Saturday, December 30, 2006

Life, Love and God's Plan

As 2006 comes to an end and the New Year begins, I find myself looking forward with uncertainty, apprehension and a seemingly insurmountable number of questions. At the same time I find myself feeling excitement, anticipation and confidence about what the future holds, although I have absolutely no idea what that may be. Seems I'm kind of at odds with myself huh.

In one moment I've never been more sure of what I want in life, what my dreams are, what my passion is, and in the next I am floundering, clueless about where to go and how to get there. I had dinner with a good friend tonight and we chatted about life, about dreams, goals, and the people who have them and what it takes to accomplish them. We also talked about people who are perfectly content to live life day to day, never thinking beyond that very moment or dreaming of anything bigger. People who are fine just working a job, living their lives day by day, and we both came to the conclusion that neither of us are the latter type of person. Here is where the conundrum lies.

I once believed God had a specific plan for my life that included a specific person. A person I loved more than I thought humanly possible. I had no idea what that plan was, or what I needed to do to accomplish it, just that he was a part of it. Maybe I should reword that belief. I believed that He had a plan for his life and I was a part of it. "His", being the (prophesied) love of my life, God's chosen one for me. I never really believed in prophecy before, didn't even know it existed other than in stories in the Old Testament. But a new adventure into a new way of believing seemed to make things so much clearer. Or did it?

Let me expound a little. I met this guy.. online of all places. Not my type at all, I didn't think he was even a little bit cute. Here's where the "it really only matters what is on the inside" saying comes in. Love is blind? Absolutely. Positively. Unequivocally. So anyway, I fell for him. Never did think he was cute by the way. Again I say. Love is blind. So a very short courtship and 3 ½ years later the fairy tale ended. But during the story some very profound things happened. I learned that I could lose all respect for myself in the name of "love".

I learned that people have the ability to "read" other people and abuse them for their own benefit, and I learned I think most importantly that when someone is so terrified of failure they refuse to try, then they are doomed to fail. And most sadly that in the midst of their failure they will pull those most dear to them down with them. That became the point where I had to separate myself. As deep and true as my love was, it would never be enough to overcome his fear. He had to learn to love himself first, before he could every truly learn to love anyone else. I hope one day he succeeds.

Anyway, back to God and His plan for my life. God, being God and unable to lie, can only speak what is and will be. Right? Before I go any further let me clarify that I have a deep unshakeable belief and faith in the Lord and my Savior, Jesus Christ. However there are still so many things that I still and may never understand about how and why He does some of the things He does. So if God speaks a Word into your life, then it's Word. True, solid and unshakeable. After all He said, "Let there be light", and there was. So if He says it then it is that it is that it is. Right?

Now say the Word God speaks concerns someone else, and that someone else decides that it's too hard to live the life he was called to live and takes an alternate path. One that has less risk of failure, or so he thinks, after all the failure to try something is failure in itself. So, the other half of your Word is out of the Word. Where does that leave you? Or should I say me? We are talking about me after all. (Stories just sound so much better about someone else) Does that mean God's word fell void? According to the Bible that's not possible. So, again, where does that leave me? Does God have an alternate Word for me?

I mean just in case the other party involved decided not to play along. If so that would mean the original Word wasn't going to work. Again, mistakes not possible from God. Right? So what do you do… look for a new dream, a new path, a new… what? I wish I knew. That's one part of my confusion. Probably a main part, but there are so many other levels and layers to it.

My dream, my ambition, my goal in life is to work with an organization like the UNHCR. Working in Africa, Asia or Southern America helping people and children. Educating people on basic healthcare, sanitation, farming, sharing God's love with people who have no hope beyond the next minute. I see myself in a small village, playing with the native children, helping a family build a safe home, building a school or medical center for a village.

I'd love to teach people how to use what they have available to live healthy, happy, successful lives; their way. Not ours. Seems like a pretty big dream. It seems like such a small thing to me, to use the gifts, skills and education God has blessed me with to help others. I don't have the right not to. My life has been so incredibly blessed. How could I not share that with people who have so little? Yet it seems an insurmountable goal.

What do I do to get where I want to be? How do I make the right connections to end up doing what I dream of doing? What if I get there and just can't handle it? What if I never get there at all? What if I spend the rest of my life alone, wondering how on earth to accomplish my dreams instead of getting out there and doing something, anything to bring me closer to them?

In addition to those dreams are the dreams of having a family. Being married to the man of my dreams, the man God chose for me, and having a beautiful child who holds my heart and soul in his or her tiny hand. Or maybe one day adopting a foreign child who would otherwise never have the kind of life available here, a child whom without me would end up dying as an infant from disease or starvation. With adoption, what if I never find that one perfect soul mate, could I do it on my own?

Do I sacrifice my dream of a probable low income but richly fulfilling life as a servant to others and work a day to day job that affords the income necessary to adopt or even support a natural born child of my own? Or do I forfeit my dreams of finding love and being a parent to devote myself to a life of service? Can I have both? Can I have either?

What if I'm too scared to try, what if I try and I fail? What if I try and succeed? What if? There's a song by DC Talk called "What if I Stumble" ..

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?

Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that

I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?

What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God

Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?

Are my dreams mine?……… or His?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Internet Nimwits

First off I want to say that it's more than a little creepy that people will search for hours online through profiles for hours to find a possible date and for no apparent reason think that you're just sitting online waiting for them to message you. I have my aol messenger set to block EVERYONE but my family who are the only people on my buddy list. They live across country and instant messaging is soooo much cheaper than the phone.

Then when the messenger doesn't work they go to the next option... email and you get something like this...

"Hey sexy, you wanna get to know me, let's talk"
to which you reply with
"I do? Are you sure about that?"

Mr. "Im a stud because I try to pick up chics online" doesn't get the hint and is oblivious when they get the little popup.. "this person has blocked you from sending instant messages".. do they really think hunting down an alternate email you have is going to make a better impression?? Or that you're reallllly going to be turned on when they say crap like "I have nudes.. wanna see?" "No thanks, I'm not interested in your porn", you reply. "It's not porn, just naked pics of my d*ck" the gray matter challenged replies.

So after you've politely, then not so politely declined... the genius sends them anyway. So when you realize that subtlety isn't going to cut it you tell Mr. OhSoNOTSexy. "Thanks but no thanks, I'm still not interested in getting to know you" He actually comes back with a truely shocked "Well why not?!" As I wonder why I don't just block him, (still trying to be nice here) I ask him, "Do you want the honest answer or the politically correct one?". Of course he says both...ok well..

"Honest is - I don't find you the least bit attractive"
"Politically correct is - I am not interested in persuing internet relationships"

Can anyone guess what the response is.. come on I bet you can if you try just a little bit.. Girls I KNOW you know what came next lol....

"Well you're not that attractive anyway"

Then why on God's green earth DID YOU MESSAGE ME TO BEGIN WITH???

Sunday, January 01, 2006

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Who is Mollie Allen?

My name is Mollie and I'm a 36yr old (formerly single) gal living in Gulf Shores, Alabama.

I am a picky, professional, dorky, honest, funny, compassionate, determined, and insanely inquisitive woman who is on a mission to follow my dreams and change the world along the way.

I've come to the conclusion through self-examination, soul searching and some stuff I read in a few really great books, that I am not the type of person who is content to just go through life day by day without any regards to what impact my existence had on the world around me. As a result of this self-realization I have made some changes in my life, some big, some small, all equally important.

I decided that becoming a parent was the one thing I've always dreamed of and am determined to accomplish with or without the aid of a man. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to live the fairy tale. I deeply believe in true love and happy ever after. I just may be too dang picky to find it. So in the event that I'm still single by the end of 2008 I've decided to become a single mother through adoption. That adventure will be a part of this blog. I am happy to say that I finally found - well thanks to he found me - my prince charming. We were married on October 9, 2011 in a dream wedding on a private beach in Orlando, FL and are blissfully enjoying our happy every after! Thanks to defunt overies - the adoption part of the above still holds true though.

I've also become somewhat of a vegetarian. Not a very strict one, but I do try and mostly succeed in abstaining from eating meat. My decision wasn't based entirely on any one reason, rather different levels of a few. I do believe that certain animals have, since the dawn of time, been raised for food. I don't however agree with the methods and treatment that "mass marketing" subjects those animals too.

After a few videos, and some research, I just decided that the process an animal goes through to get from being alive to being on my plate isn't worth it to me. To be honest it's pretty disgusting. I'm not a PETA freak, nor will I ever judge or condemn anyone else for eating meat. I mean after all I was a carnivore for 32yrs. I will however use this blog as a means to discuss new things I learn and information I come across that I find interesting pertaining to "vegetarianism".

Though I am originally from Mississippi, I have for as long as I can remember, have had a distinct dislike for living there. I moved to Michigan in 2000, and after the birth of my nieces, and much deliberation moved back south to be near her. You may ask, well why didn't she say to be near "her family" instead of just near her niece. I now have two (2) fantastically beautiful nieces, ages 2 and 5.

Well you know how most families have a "black sheep"? I'm sort of what I consider the "white sheep" of mine. I've never been drunk, I've never smoked or tried drugs, I didn't make nice with a boy until I was 24yrs old, and I'm pretty much the only person in my family that can say most if not all of those things.

It makes me a bit of an oddball. But if doing the opposite of those things is what it takes to fit in, then I'm ok with being the brunt of a few jokes. Most of my family and I get along better from a distance. I love them all, I just don't get along with most of them after more than a few days (or a few hours for some). This blog will contain stories of my childhood, my life and my family.

I really started blogging because I was trying to keep a written journal and sucking at it. I love to write, but I don't like to write. I am however on a computer at work 8 hours a day so I figured, what the heck.. I can keep up my journal the way I'd like online.. and well if a few hundred (or thousand) people get to know more about me than they'd ever wanted.. so be it.

So that's me, Mollie, self-proclaimed "Crazy Cat Lady", who is only kind of crazy, doesn't really like cats, but is to the detriment of my love life, almost always a lady. After getting married I realized that adopting my husband's last name left me with a moniker worthy of a talk show, hense the new blog name "The Mollie Allen Show". Hope you enjoy!
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