Today I want to talk about a sort of revelation I had this weekend. Saturday I went to Dauphin Island and spent the day at the beach. I'll blog about that later in the week. Trust me you won't want to miss that one. I'm still trying to scrape some of the the images I saw that day off of my minds eye. It was traumatic and just.. gah!
Sunday is today's topic.
It rained pretty much all day Sunday so I just hung at home, watched some TV, read a little and was for the most part completely bored out of my mind.
So I was flipping through the program guide on TV and remembered that I'd recorded a few movies the previous week and decided that I may as well watch one. Facing the Giants was the one I picked.
I'd heard a lot about this movie when it came out, all good, but I'd really only had a mild interest in seeing it. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I've never been really interested in "Christian" themed movies. It's not that I don't love God, I do. It's just that sadly enough those movies usually have such a small budget that the acting is so bad it's hard to get past it to really get into the story.
This movie was no exception. At least on the bad acting. But the story, the story was something that was exactly what I needed to see. It's always amazed me how God works things out at just the right time in just the right way.
There was a part in the movie where the coach was sitting in his office and this guy, who came every day and prayed over each students locker walked in and prayed for the coach. I won't give too much of the story away because, bad acting aside, I highly encourage everyone to see this movie. Anyway the guy tells this story..
Once there were two farmers. There had been a drought and both had been praying for rain for their fields. One of the farmers went ahead and prepared his field. The other did not.
Who do you think had the most faith?
Obviously the farmer who prepared his field, in spite of the fact that the weather showed no signs of rain.
The guy goes on to say that even though both farmers prayed for rain, only one prepared his field. He said that God always has what we need, sometimes He just has to wait for us to prepare ourselves to receive it.
Something about that story really hit home with me.
I'd been praying and praying for so many things these past few years. Praying to find love again, praying to become a parent, praying for financial security, etc and so on. But it occurred to me after hearing that story that I hadn't been really doing anything to prepare myself for any of those things.
I know being in a relationship takes work, I know having a child is a huge responsibility in more ways that one, I know saving money is hard and often takes making changes in your every day spending.
I knew all of these things yet I wasn't doing anything to prepare myself for the possibility of receiving any of them.
I want to meet someone and fall in love - but I haven't entirely healed from my previous and only relationship. I haven't allowed myself to believe that there is someone out there who would truly find me worth loving. A friend of mine from school was telling me the other day how "hot" I was and I totally didn't believe him. I've been conditioned to believe that the only reason an attractive guy would find a "larger" girl attractive is because well.. he wouldn't.
In my mind, if a cute guy flirts with a larger girl it's because he thinks she'll be easy. How sad and messed up is it that society (and past relationships) have shown me and I'm sure so many others that a bigger girl will be so happy to just give in to a cute guy because she thinks that's all she can get. Even worse, so many guys believe the same thing.
Let me tell you, that kind of thinking is a sure fire way to stop someone from ever really opening themselves up to another person. I don't mean any disrespect to anyone who is larger. I'm a big girl myself, but to me fat is not attractive. At all. Ya I have a pretty face but that's only a small part of me. The rest.. hell if I was a guy I wouldn't want to look at me. Even knowing that medical conditions are responsible for me having always been larger doesn't matter to me. I'm not attracted to bigger people, so why would anyone be attracted to me?
So those are things that I need to work on to "prepare my field" so to speak as far as finding love is concerned.
Being a mother. I've made all these plans and have all these ideas about using a donor, adopting etc, but haven't made any changes to my home life or situation. I live in a 2br apartment that would be OK for raising a child in, but not ideal. I've not made any plans to save money, or build a support network or anything really to prepare.
Financial stability. I'm like millions of others who live check to check. I'm pretty good with money and have my budget planned out for the next year, but no where in that have I cut back on anything or rearranged anything so I could start putting money in savings. I filed bankruptcy a few years ago and other than buying a car have really done nothing to try and rebuild my credit.
I did get apply for a few credit cards last year and was approved for one, so now I have another positive thing on my credit to show I make payments on time. There is this website Your Credit Network that I used and recommend if you're trying to get a credit card. It allows you to pick options like what type of credit your currently have, what kind of card you're looking for etc. I know credit cards are probably not the preferable way to go about building credit, but the one I have has a low credit limit and no interest. I mostly use it for gas and then pay a little more than the minimum payment each month so the balance stays pretty low.
Anyway.. I guess all of that was to say that it's not enough to just pray for God to give you the things you want. If you're not willing or ready to prepare yourself to receive them then you don't really deserve them.
I saw a documentary last year that is the perfect example of why preparation is so important.
A college student wanted to do this study on what would happen if a homeless person suddenly came into a large amount of money. So he found some people to fund his project and left a briefcase with $100,000.00 dollars in a dumpster where this one homeless guy scavenged regularly. Along with the money was a note that said - "If you allow us to film your life for one month this money is yours".
The guy had been homeless for like 10 years. Needless to say he was more than willing to let them film whatever they wanted. So the fist thing the guy did was buy a truck and get an apartment. He found a job, bought several of his friends gifts, got back in touch with family that hadn't spoken to him in years and bought gifts and gave money to them. He was so selfless with the money it was amazing. He also was completely broke and homeless again within 8 months.
He'd lived so long without money that he didn't know how to manage it. He said to him, $100,000.00 seemed like it would last forever. But before he knew it he had no money left. Sadly, once the money was gone, so were many of the family members who were happy to talk to him again as long as long as he was shelling out the dough to them. He'd enriched so many other peoples lives in his giving, yet had no thought or education, no experience with money to know that he needed to invest and save for his own future.
He said at the end of the documentary that if he'd known how things would turn out he would have left the money there in the dumpster. He wasn't prepared for the gift that had been given to him and as a result, not only did he waste it all, but he ended up worse than he was before he received it. Before the money he was just homeless and estranged from his family. After, he was homeless and had the painful realization that his family could care less about him as a person. They were only interested in what he could give them.
So I've decided to begin preparing myself and my life for all of the things I desire. I didn't realize it at the time but posting the Mind Ripper story is part of the preparing for a relationship. I guess in a way, sharing that story, putting it out in the open is my way of letting it go... once and for all.
I went back to the gym this morning and am really looking forward to having exercise be a regular part of my routine again. Preparing myself for better health and self-image. I'm going to reassess my finances and the things I spend money on so that I can start saving and prepare for my future. I'm sure in a dozen other ways and areas there are things I will do to prepare as well, not for anything in particular, but just for me. Preparing myself to be a better person, a better friend, a better me in general.
I haven't gone back and re-read this yet but I'm pretty sure it rambles a bit. Normally I'd rewrite or reword things so that they read smoothly but I think this time I'm just going to leave it as is. I apologize if was difficult to read, or didn't seem to really make much sense, but learning to express myself in a way that's not pretty or neat or well read is something else I'm hoping to get better at. Just me, being me, flaws and all, and being OK with it. That may take the most preparing of all.