The importance of checking your childs homework -
SEE MOM'S REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarahs picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The importance of checking your childs homework -
My sweet Bella has found a new home. It was a hard decision and one that made me sad, but it was best for us both.
Bella needed a lot of exercise and I just didn't have the time to give it to her. She needed a lot of love and while I had plenty of that - again lack of time was a problem. I work full time, go to school full time and am fairly active in my church, so that left a lot of time where Bella was sitting at home alone in my apartment and it just wasn't fair to her.
And her eating my furniture wasn't fair to me....
Couch eating puppies go to puppy jail.
I'm happy to say with some help from Hobby Lobby and a bit of skill with a staple gun and some needle and thread sofa has been returned to new(ish).
But that was the final straw - the couch wasn't the first thing she'd eaten. I have a nice whole in the sheetrock in my dining room wall that's calling for my skill with spackling thanks to her as well.
So last Saturday we loaded up all of her toys, beds and other stuff in the car and took a drive to Gulf Breeze, FL to meet her new dad. A guy my mom met on OKC has adopted her. He used to raise pits has a boy puppy now that he'd like to breed. Bella is a beautiful pup so I've no doubt she'll make pretty puppies.
He also has a big yard for her to run in and kids that will play with her until she can't play anymore. His little girl came with him to meet me to pick Bella up and they just loved each other instantly so I know she'll be much happier in her new home.
I called the next afternoon to see how she did with the transition and he said she whined a little at bedtime, but he put her bed in his room on the floor and after a while she went right to sleep. He said that she'd ran and played in the back yard for hours and had a grand time so all is well.
Farewell my Bell - you shall be missed.
And then the 'Crazy Cat Lady' had no pets at all...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Then my eye caught an update that stopped the air in my lungs mid-breath.
PT is in a relationship with a girl in Okinawa.
He's been in Japan for 7 weeks and he's already seeing someone.
I sat at my desk for a good 2 hours wiping away silent tears that just refused to stop falling. My boss would come by my office every so often and I'd pretend to look in my filing cabinet for something so he couldn't see my face.
The ache in my chest came as a surprise. I mean I knew I still cared about him, still wished things had turned out differently, and in some deep secret place, maybe hoped they still would - but I'd said goodbye, I'd started seeing someone new, I hadn't talked to PT in probably three weeks - so why did it still hurt so bad?
Because him being in a relationship with someone else meant- it wasn't a 'relationship' that he didn't want - it was me.
Up until the week he left he was still all "It's not you, I really like you, I'm just not ready for a relationship". He wanted to finish school first, he wanted to be in a steady job, he wanted to be able to 'take care of' someone he was in a relationship with and he wasn't ready or in a position to do that right now. Yet in less than 2 months he all of a sudden is?
He's only just started school this month, he's not working other than helping around at the church where his dad is a music minister and doing yard work for extra money, and since he's living at home now he's completely reliant on his parents - so if anything he's even further away from being 'ready' than he was when he lived here. But for some reason he can be in a relationship anyway?
I'd love to say that I'm happy for him, that I'm glad that he seems to be doing well, but right now - it would be a lie. Right now I'm angry - angry that he asked me out, angry that he was someone I could care about, angry that he drug me out of the safe cocoon of emptiness that I've been living in since my ex-fiance and I broke up 5 years ago, angry that he continued to pursue me even when he knew he didn't want me, and angry that he left while things were still so messed up.
I've no doubt that in time I will get to the point where I genuinely wish him well, where I can truly say I'm happy that he's happy - but that time is I fear a few more tears away.
Until then, I'll do my best to not stuff it down, to talk about it and as The Editor put it yesterday 'keep everything out in the open'. I'll do my best to be thankful for the great man I'm seeing that DOES want me and thinks I'm worth trying for and although I thought I'd already done so, I'll do my best to keep healing - because apparently this is one wound that's still capable of causing pain.
Friday, January 16, 2009
I have never seen Star Wars.
I'll give you a moment. I know you'll want to reread that to make sure you weren't imagining things.
I've seen bits and pieces of some of the movies. I've no idea which ones. I know who most of the characters are, and if forced could
The Editor loves Star Wars, so much so that I wonder if he may have a questionable love interest in Yoda. I say that because he has a 3 foot tall lego Yoda in his room. I've not seen the thing yet. I'm not sure I ever want to. I am almost positive that seeing such a creation would result in spending weeks of nights drenched in sweat from the horrific nightmares that would follow.
Why am I writing about Star Wars and life size lego Yodas? The Editor and I happened to have a conversation about the movie the other day, then this morning I came across a video on a twitter post that I'm fairly certain would be an exact replication of how I would sound describing what the Star Wars phenomena is all about. Not to mention the graphics and editing work on this is hilarious.
Then again, this one might be more my speed...
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The original plan for tonight was dinner at my place (that I cooked!) and then going to see Let the Right One In at the Cresent Theater downtown.
Let the Right One in is about Oskar, an overlooked and bullied boy, who finds love and revenge through Eli, a beautiful but peculiar girl who turns out to be a vampire. Eli gives Oskar the strength to hit back but when he realizes that Eli needs to drink other peoples blood to live he's faced with a choice. How much can love forgive?
Well it turns out that The Editor has to work tonight from midnight until 8am, (he normally works from 1p-10p) which technically wouldn't interfer with our plans, but I thought since he'll have to stay up all night a more relaxed evening in may be better. We're still going to the film, but we'll probably just snuggle for a bit and enjoy some pizza before instead of doing 'dinner'.
So I'll be cooking dinner tomorrow night instead, followed by an evening of just relaxing and enjoying each others company. He's staying over and since I don't have class this Saturday, we get to sleep in. To say I'm looking forward to it would be a gross understatement. Every other time he's slept over I've had to get up and get ready for work at the butt crack of dawn, leaving him all warm and snuggled in my bed. It's going to be heaven... and I can hardly wait.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
And before you go getting all "that's not nice!" on me.
I got this from one of the guys in my office and he's Puerto Rican - so
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom...
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman.. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Last Thursday I had my first 'date' since PT. I say 'date' because it wasn't like a normal date. The guy the date was with was someone I'd been friends with for a while. Someone I'd never pictured myself being intersted in. But after a bit of inspiration and self examination courtesy of Jim Carey ala YES! Man, I took a deep breath, swallowed the little red pill, had a chat with him and we've decided to give it a go at being more than friends.
Since we're already friends, and he knew how freaked out I was at the idea of possibly 'liking' him, he suggested something more casual and relaxed for our first 'date'. Thursday evening he picked up some Chinese and we relaxed at my apartment and watched a movie. For all of you Jet Li and Jackie Chan fans, The Forbidden Kingdom is - eh. But what wasn't eh was how comfortable we were together.
I've never really dated before. My ex-fiance and I kind of just 'were', having met online then moving in together a week after the first time we met, we were together 3 years but we never really 'dated'. PT was my first date in over 8yrs and we just had such intense physical chemistry that I don't think it would have mattered what we did or where we went, we just wanted to make out with each other. So being able to skip the whole getting to know someone and trying to impress them at the same time thing has been fantastic.
The movie ended around 9:30 and after talking about it for a bit we decided that he would stay. The night.
I know, I know. You're thinking - wow that was fast, maybe you should slow down, you're just trying to see if you can be more than friends, and you're already sleeping with him?!?
The thing is - Sleeping is exactly what we did. There was no sex, and it was wonderful. I'd completely forgotten how incredible it felt to sleep wrapped in the arms of someone that you trusted, that you knew cared about you just because you were you and they were glad to have you in their life. So we went to bed, we talked, cuddled, talked some more, then finally drifted off to sleep wrapped around each other.
And I've been smiling ever since.
We've talked every night since then, he's come over twice after he got off work and we stayed up talking until around midnight then he went home, and he's stayed the night twice more. And we talk and talk and talk and cuddle and talk some more.
I'm not sure if a 'romantic' relationship is something that will come of this, but what I do know is that just by opening myself up to trusting him in a different way, we've become so much closer and regardless of whether we end up a 'couple' or not neither of us have any doubt that we have taken a step toward something wonderful and magical and no matter if we're just loving each other, or falling 'in' love with each other our friendship will continue to flourish and grow.
He's coming over this Thursday evening and we're going to go see an Independant film at the Crescent Theater in downtown Mobile. We've also planned to go to Winter Jam together in February.
Oh yea, and he's going to
The first one I've ever had :)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Too much hassle, too much strain
Too much sorrow, too much pain
Not enough time to get everything done
Not enough energy to have any fun
Bills to pay, things to buy
Too worn out out even cry
No money left, all is spent
I lay here beaten, broken and bent
Places to go, people to see
Things to do, who said life is free
In this world of an exhausting pace
Nobody wins in a wild rat race
Fun and games do not exist
Be a perfect child your parents insist
Make a bad grad and they said you failed
Commit a crime and you get nailed
To the wall
Your guilt decided by the government's judge
Who moseys on home to pig out on fudge
They take you away to a cell of steel bars
Might as well bee on the planet Mars
So far way are the people who care
Everyone looks at you in a dead stare
There is no way out, why should you care
As you begin to climb down the prison stair
That's what is left, there's no one around
A faint thumping noise, your heart is found
Didn't know it existed
Guess that means I'm not dead after all
I must have taken a terrible fall
On my bike
I remember, I was pedaling along
The sun on my face, singing a song
About joy and peace, happiness and love
I look at my hand and pull off my glove
It's cut and bleeding, but there is no pain
My body is numb, or am I insane
Who knows, who cares, not I that's fur sure
Nobody shares my feeling of fear
I panic as problems reign down
Heavy as the granite stone I fell on
And cut open my head
I smiled in a daze as I lay there and bled
No one missed me, or noticed I'd gone
I guess until death we are truly alone
Unless we find love, a life long soul mate
Had I found mine, life would have been great
But alas as I die, I lay here and cry
All the tears locked inside
All the pain that we hide
From each other
Let it out
Before one day soon, you suddenly find
Your life is ending, the way I lost mine
Friday, January 09, 2009
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.........
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her new bath scales
And then the fight started.......
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.......
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.......
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.....
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.....
Monday, January 05, 2009
The Editor and I started talking close to the same time I started talking to PT, maybe a week or two after. The Editor is - well exactly that lol - he edits the clips you see on the news for a local station here in Mobile.
When we first started chatting online he was sweet, somewhat reserved and always proper. He never made any untoward suggestions or crude comments about my looks, my boobs or sex like most of the other yahoos who message me do.
He, in fact, was so decorous that I began to wonder why he'd messaged me at all. He never gave any hint that he was 'interested' in going out with me. We talked for a good month before we got around to exchanging phone numbers and still no hint of anything other than a friendship.
A about a month ago - I was whining to The Editor about PT and mentioned that his dad had been a pastor at a church here before moving to Japan. Well after doing some connect the coincidences we realized that The Editor knows PT, PT's family and the little group of PT's friends that go to my church. They'd all gone to church together a few years back.
To say it felt a bit weird to find out that The Editor actually knew this guy I'd been talking about would be putting it mildly, but he took the new info in stride just as he'd done everything else we'd chatted about.
One afternoon he invited me to his work to give me a tour of the news studio -which by the way was really freaking cool - and the online friendship became real. We've gone to the movies a couple of times together and text and/or IM on a fairly regular basis. I visited his church one Sunday morning and a few Sunday mornings later he visited mine. I felt like myself around him and it was a good feeling. I've not had any really good guy friends since I met my ex-fiance 8yrs ago and was
So when I found myself wondering 'hmm what would it be like to date' The Editor I felt conflicted. He wasn't my type, he's not at all unattractive but I didn't find myself physically attracted to him in the least. This conflict has warred on in my mind for the past couple of weeks and for the most part the "I don't 'like' him like that" argument won.
Then I sent the 'I would like to be friends, but if it doesn't work out I understand and will always be thankful I met you' email to PT. I finally came to a place where I knew that no matter how hard it would be or how much it would hurt I had to let whatever had and/or would happen between PT and I go. I had to say goodbye.
And once that happen the battle shifted. I found myself more and more wondering why I was wondering about The Editor in a more than friendly way, when I just knew that I wasn't 'into' him in that way.
Wednesday night - New Years Eve - I went to the movies to see Yes Man! with Jim Carey. If you've not seen this movie I highly highly HIGHLY recommend it.
The premise of the movie is about a guy who always says no. He'd been married and his wife left him and instead of processing the pain, dealing with it, letting it go and moving on, he wrapped it around himself and used it as a cocoon. When friends asked him out he'd say no, when co workers invited him to get togethers he'd say no, when anyone asked/invited/suggested that he do/go/see anything or anyone he'd say NO.
In the first fifteen minutes of the movie I realized I was watching my life unfold on the screen - and it was pathetic. It was sad, it was lonely, it was just plain miserable.
The thoughts the movie left me with combined with a conversation I had with a friend a couple of days later caused me to really question my thinking of late. This statement in particular really hit home.
Could it be that you've talked yourself into not being attracted to him because you're looking for the chemistry? and maybe if you were to relax a bit and just let whatever happen...maybe you'd end up finding yourself attracted him for other reasons than physical?
Well Friday night the battle in my head came to a crux and I had a revelation.
By holding on to my feelings for PT - even though I knew that they'd go no where - and by holding on to the hurt I felt from the way things had turned out between us I'd effectively wrapped myself in a blanket of protection. Protection from being available to pursue anything with another guy, protection from being able to be pursued by someone new, protection from being hurt again.
But what I realized this weekend is that protection was also acting as a barrier. A barrier from being wanted, from being cared for, from being loved.
So I messaged The Editor and said I wanted to talk to him about something. I told him how I'd been feeling, and that I was conflicted and I told him over and over again that I didn't 'like him' like that, but that for some reason I couldn't stop wondering what if. Like always he listened and when I was done he admitted that he'd had a feeling this conversation would be happening soon and that if I was willing to step outside of my comfort zone and let go of all of the preconceived notions I'd set up about what my 'type' was and how things were 'supposed' to be that he would like us to give seeing each other a try.
Of course self preservation (or flight mode) kicked in and I proceeded to come up with every excuse in the book why he shouldn't, wouldn't want to date me. I'm neurotic, I have self-esteem issues, I get clingy, I need constant reassurance and approval, I can be controlling, I'm this, I'm that, I'm.. you get the idea. For about ten minutes he let me rant and when I finally ran out of steam I admitted defeat.
"You're not going to let me do this are you?"
"You mean give me a bunch of excuses to change my mind about giving this a shot? No. No I'm not. I think you're worth it and I want to try"
He could have said he thought I hung the moon and it wouldn't have had the impact the 5 simple words he did say had.
"I think you're worth it"
It's had to believe someone else can see worth in you when you don't see it in yourself, but it's much harder to deny the fact that they do when it's so clearly spoken.
So yesterday we met for dinner during his 'lunch break' from work, and last night we talked on the phone until 3am this morning. Thursday he is picking up some Chinese and coming over and we're going to watch a movie. And we're going to give dating a try. We already have the foundation of a friendship, so there's not the dance of trying to get to know someone and impress them at the same time that you normally would deal with when dating someone. He knows I'm a basket case - and he's ok with it.
Will he stay ok with it? I can't say. But for the first time in my life I think it might be ok if he's not - because for first time in my life - I think I may be ready -and able- to climb out of the basket a little.
So here's to New Life Resolutions, here's to stepping out of the comfort zone, here's to taking a chance on letting someone take a chance on me, here's to saying YES - to life, to love, to ME.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Enjoy - *note - contains adult language