The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

So, I've not blogged much in the last year, even less so since my mom passed away in February and I'm beginning to see that falling away from this particular outlet may not have been the best thing for my mental and emotional stability.


Blogging is cathartic for me. It's the way I 'get out' all the stuff I'm holding in and trying - but usually failing - to deal with. And the past year has been slam packed FULL of things that require dealing.


When Matthew and I became engaged last July we talked about how long of an engagement we wanted and both decided that about a year was right for us. We officially became a couple May 22nd so we were going to have that be our wedding date as well, which would have given us ten more months to live together, learn each other, grow as a couple and make 100% sure we were ready to spend the rest of our lives together.


Then my mom's cancer got worse and we - I - felt like we had to push things up to make sure my mom would be able to attend the wedding - which she did - and in spite of a ton of drama and stress from my family the wedding ended up being beautiful.


Let me start by saying I do not for one second regret getting married. I love Matthew with all my heart and have no doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.


That being said - we were married in October then my mom passed in February and the stress of dealing with being a newly married couple, compounded with dealing with the loss of a parent has added an entirely new level of stress to our relationship, that to be honest, we haven't been dealing with terribly well.


Which brings me back to blogging. The only other relationship I've ever been in was with a guy who - in spite of his at times REALLY bad side - was my best friend. He knew what I was thinking without being told. He knew how I felt without me having to talk about it. He finished my sentences. Even if the issues in our relationship were 'about' him, I could talk to him without him taking it personal and getting defensive or angry. He could sit and listen to what I had to say and see it from my point of view.


Matthew, for all of his other many many wonderful traits does not share the same gift of intuitiveness that the only other love in my life did. And to be perfectly honest I'm having a hard time figuring my way around the difference.


One of the things that most attracted me to Matthew was his brain. He is fairly brilliant and has a knowledge base that just blows my mind at times. His thirst for knowledge surpasses mine and as I'm the type who wants to know everything about everything that's saying something. But with that brilliance comes a sort of detachment from the emotional. Don't get me wrong, he's not cold by any means. He is a very kind, funny, loving man - he just doesn't have that 'get me' thing that I thought every husband should have.


Maybe I've read too many romance novels, or maybe the one relationship I did have before set me up to expect things that were not the 'norm' in any potential future relationship to come. I just know that before we got married Matthew was my best friend.. and now... now he's my husband. And I love my husband dearly, but I miss my best friend.


Sigh..


It's funny how the process of emotional purging works. When I titled this post 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow' I had an entirely different subject in mind to write about, but something totally different came through my fingers.


I'd planned to write about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my parents as a child - and all of the grand realizations I'm coming to about life, and myself since my mother's passing.


Maybe next time....

Rest in Peace Momma - I love you

Saturday February 5, 2011 at around 1:15am my phone rang.

It was my sister Theresa calling to tell me our mother had just passed away.

I'd gone to see her the prior Saturday and she looked good. We sat out on the porch at my sister's house for a few hours talking, enjoying the nice weather.

I had planned to go see her again the following Saturday, but Theresa called me Thursday morning and said mom had been sleeping the last two days and she wasn't sure she'd be with us much longer.

So I called in to work and Matthew e-mailed his professors and we went to MS.

Although she would open her eyes briefly when you called her name she never really woke up, and the one time I did get a response from her she didn't know who I was. That was hard. I'm torn between being thankful my sister called me so I could come see mom again, or being angry - that my last memories of her, laughing, smiling in the sun were replaced with her lying unaware in a hospital bed.

The service was Tuesday Feb 8th... also my husband's birthday. Talk about torn emotions. Death of one and birth of another - mourned and celebrated the same day. There wasn't really any celebrating though... not on my part at least. From the pictures my sister posted it seems everyone else partied it up after I left. Mom probably would have joined them - just another way I feel separated from my family.

The service was beautiful - my grandma sang my mom's favorite song - 'I Hope You Dance' by Lee Ann Womack and at the end everyone joined in and sang along.

There were so many people there. Family I'd not seen since I was a toddler. Friends of mom's I'd never met. School friends of mine and my sister's that remembered mom from when they were kids who drove 3 hours to come honor her. That meant so much.

Everyone was kind and loving - with the exception of a few who'd been in the forefront of attacking me for my post about mom and cancer. Blood relatives, at my mother's funeral and they completely, obviously, deliberately ignored me. Even through the haze of tear swollen eyes I was amazed at their total lack of class.

After the grave side service, I went back to my sister's house with my nieces. Most everyone else went to the bar to 'do a shot in honor of mom'. Maybe it's because I don't drink, or because it was taking everything I had to not fall apart but I just could see nothing honorable in going to the bar to drink and dance when we'd just put my mother in the ground.

My husband has told me if he passes before me, 'I want you to throw a party when I die to celebrate my life'. I love him with all my heart and soul but that is one wish I will not be able to fulfill.

I guess they felt like they were celebrating her life -

I felt like they were saying Mom's dead let's party!

I was talking to a co-worker yesterday. His dad passed three years ago and he said he still has moments where he'll go to pick up the phone to call his dad before he remembers he can't. His dad lived in Africa so they didn't see each other often.

When you lose a loved one, I don't know if it's harder for the people they saw every day... or people who they talked to or saw periodically.

If you live with a person every day - there's no way to forget they're gone. They're just not there anymore.

I've lived in a different state than my family for almost ten years. I talked to mom a few times a month and saw her once or twice a month - so it's normal to go for periods of time without talking to her. I wonder if that will make it harder to remember she's gone - or harder to deal with her passing.

Sigh - I was supposed to be blogging every day this month.. I think I picked the wrong month to try and do that and I have a feeling this blog doesn't make much sense, but I felt like I had to write.

I went to work for a few hours the morning mom passed, and back to work the day after. I worked the day before her service and the day after that as well. I feel like I should take time off to process everything, but I also feel like if I do I may never stop crying.

So I work, and I write - a little now - a little later - a little after that. Until I've worked my way through this and I can think of mom without it feeling like there's a vise wrapped around my chest.

Until I can be happy with the little bit of progress we DID make in our relationship over the last few years, instead of being angry that now it will never get fixed any more than it did.

One of my mom's closest friends told me at the funeral that mom told her 'I spent so many years doing stupid stuff and missed so much of Mollie's life'. She said mom told her her how much she regretted that.... I wish she had told me.

Diane Beatrice Spiers Abshire

December 26, 1957 - February 5, 2011

When I go....

Some uplifting and jovial conversation for today..(note slight sarcasm here) lol

In the office this morning my boss and co-worker were talking about what song they wanted to be played at their funeral. How this topic came up.. I have no idea.. they're guys.. who knows why they talk about what they talk about lol

Michael.. the 20 something tech support guy wants "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

"If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me, For I must be travelling on, now,cause theres too many places I've got to see.", "Cause I'm as free as a bird now.. and this bird you cannot change"


Chad.. my boss, who's 36, wants "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Bob Dylan

"Well I don’t know why I came here tonight. I’ve got the feeling that something ain’t right.I’m so scared in case I fall off my chair,and I’m wondering how I’ll get down the stairs. Clowns to the left of me! Jokers to the right! Here I am stuck in the middle with you"

(insert raised eyebrow)I wonder who he's planning on being buried between lol


Michael's song choice.. I can see.. Chad's?? Yea.. I guess I'm missing something there

So after some less than on-key renditions of their choices they asked me what song I wanted played at my funeral.

Well ya know.. I can't say that I've ever really actually thought about it. I mean that's just a bit depressing doncha think? I don't believe in "death" so to speak. I believe life is truly eternal, never ending, always transforming. I don't believe that we "die", rather that we change forms and move from one dimension of "Life" to another. So while death is not something I fear, it's not something I tend to comtemplate on a regular basis.

I asked my mom once.. where she wanted to be buried when she passed.. it was kind of awkward. But being the oldest it will probably be primarily my responsibility to take care of matters when the time comes. Plus my brother and sister are much closer to my mother than I, as cold as it may sound, so I imagine that I'll be the one who will be able to pull it together enough to get things done and if you've come to know me at all you'll know that I'm a bit of a freak about planning and organization. I figured it would be a good thing to know.

What I have thought about in regards to my death is that I don't want people to mourn my passing. No being sad. I want my family and friends to celebrate the life I've lived and rejoice that I've gone on to a better place. I want them to feel OK.. and know that at last.. I've finally come to a place where I will be totally, unconditionally loved, accepted and at peace. I hope to feel a semblance of those things at least once while I'm alive.. but I have no doubt that in the presence of my Father... the Joy, Love, and just all encompassing feeling of completeness will be indescribable.

So after thinking about it for a few minutes it came to me.. and I've decided that the song I want played at my funeral is "I can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me. Not once have I heard this song that it didn't fill me with awe. To think.. of what it will be like.. when I'm finally face to face with my Father... it's like.. I can FEEL His big strong arms wrap themselves around me.. holding me close....safe....loved..... home

It seems fitting to me.. and I'd like my family and friends.. to be able to know how I felt about passing on. I think this song is perfect to accomplish that.

Below is the video for the song.. below that is the lyrics




I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah,
will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever Forever
worship You
I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you