For each and every thing... there is a time...

Today is Thursday, December 31, 2009. The time is 6:46pm.

It has been 3 months since I last blogged.
3 months since I was laid off from my job of 2 years.
3 months since the panic and fear set in that for the first time in my life I might have found myself in a situation I may not be able to find a way out of.

Today I can tell you that much has changed in those 3 months.

I don't start until January 11th, but I did, after submitting my resume to literally over 100 job postings, find a new job. The pay is less, and the benefits aren't free so money is going to be tight, but it's work with a reputable and stable company who instead of laying people off during the recession has consistently and continually hired new employees. It's also a company who has a tuition reimbursement plan and definite room for advancement.

Matthew and I celebrated our 9 month anniversary last week. I'm still not 100% sure he's "the one", but I am sure that with him I can be myself, and with him I can be happy... so only time will tell what that particular part of my future holds.

Matthew and I spent Thanksgiving together with my family and Christmas together with both of our families and I'm happy to say both experiences were really great. Due to me being laid off money was really tight so we didn't do any major gift giving, but we both managed to scrounge up a few dollars each for some small but heartfelt gifts. A gift we both would have happily done without, however, was the sinus infection we both got from my two nieces and sister, who all 3 woke up Christmas morning with runny noses.

I have regained all of the 17lbs I'd managed to lose this year and my health has slightly declined, but I met a great gal who is a personal trainer and as part of a business partnership we've formed, I'm going to do some tech stuff for her and she's going to kick my ass back into shape. As soon as I get over this sinus infection, that is.

One major thing that happened during the last 3 months is something that, while sucked, resulted in helping me take a major look at what I wanted to do with my life and actually take steps to make it happen.

I got a temp job at a company that creates and hosts websites and the day and a half I worked there reminded me how much I love the creative aspect of marketing and web design. I won't go into why I only worked there a day in a half - but I will say - be careful to make sure people aren't overly sensitive before you go correcting their e-mails.

When I lived in Michigan I did freelance work for small business owners, creating forms and brochures, and I really enjoyed the creative license I was able to take and the pride I felt at seeing my finished work being used to represent a company. I even came up with a business name to go at the bottom of all of my work. MJ Graphics & Business Design. Little did I know how handy that would be 4 years later.

So I've changed my major from Leadership & Cultural Studies - which I liked - but really had no idea what I'd do with - to Visual Arts with a concentration in Graphic Design. University of Mobile doesn't have a Graphic Design program so I withdrew from there and will be attending the University of South Alabama in the Spring and for the first time since going back to college I'm really excited about it.

I'm nervous about the unknown of course - I know I like creating, and I know graphic design is a field that I can relatively easily turn into a work for myself kind of job - but of course there is much I don't know and where there is the unknown fear is bound to be present. With that being said I plan to make sure my excitement about being in control of my future remains strong enough to out-weigh the fear of the unknown.

I got an email today from one of the OMT girls that mentioned a quote from Nelson Mandela that really hit home with me....

**After some research I found that this quote actually belongs to Marianne Williamson.**

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who am I not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about you shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. - Marianne Williamson

I've spent 33 years being afraid... not afraid of failing.. but afraid of succeeding. As Peter Parker's Grandpa said "With great power, comes great responsibility", and well, I don't know about you but sometimes knowing that something you do can have a profound effect on many can be daunting. What if you can't hack it? What if you follow your dreams, but then everything falls apart? What if you don't live up to every one's expectations and let them down?

Irony is a funny creature... the last time I ever spoke to my ex-fiance in person I asked him...."What are you so afraid of?" and his answer to me was "I'm afraid I'll fail".

He had the potential to be an incredible person who was a light to everyone he came in contact with but he chose to be a bum and an irresponsible jerk instead and I just didn't understand why. Before I gave him a hug and walked out of his house I told him "The only way you can ever really fail is by never trying at all". Looks like my great advice has come back to kick me in the butt.

Well times are a changin' and this girl is ready to not only try, but to succeed. 2010 is the year I stop talking about how I want to live my life and start living it.

2010 is the year I take action to turn every dream I've had into a reality.

2010 is the year that begins a life of financial stability and abundance.

2010 is the year I will learn to accept the love others give me because I will learn to accept the love I have to give myself.

2010 is the year I let my family know that while we may be drastically different in opinions and frame of mind I DO love them dearly and couldn't imagine my life without them.

2010 is the year I allow every good thing the universe has been storing for me to come my way because I finally believe I deserve it.

2010 is the year my life will be everything I've ever hoped and dreamed it could be because......

2010 is My Year To WIN!!

Feeling ~and looking~ fine in 2009

Resolution schmesolution.

How many of you have ever made and actually KEPT a New Year's Resolution?

I see, what, two - three hands?

Liars lol

I've never actually made a New Year's Resolution, and this year will be no different.

What I have decided to do is make a New LIFE Resolution - and I'm not waiting for the New Year to do it.

Today - Monday, December 29, 2008 is the 1st day of my new life. A life to becoming the very best ME I can be.

I'm not going to get on a 'diet' or 'exercise plan'. I'm not going to follow a 'program' in some self-help book I read. What I am going to do is just make some basic, but important changes that will result in bringing me back to a healthier (mental and physical) and happier ME.

So without further ado, here are a few of the things I will be changing - adjusting - adding etc.

1. Switch from the full to non-fat version of my favorite Starbucks drink. Hey - important changes come first!

2. Limit my Starbucks purchases to one a week - not only will this help my waistline - it will help my wallet!!

3. Walk the dog at least one mile EVERY DAY! The only exception to this rule will be rain or freezing weather - in which case we will find a way to play in the apartment in a way that will wear both of our butts out!

4. Back to not eating meat. I did really good for almost a year, then the thing with PT happened and I started finding myself at Krystals now and again. Not entirely sure what's on those burgers can be classified as actual meat, but still.

5. Back to eating portion controlled balanced meals - that means more salad, veggies, fruits and healthy grains, lots of baked and grilled fish and seafood too!

6. Setting aside "God Time" - I talk to God all the time, throughout the day, here and there, but I need to start setting aside a quiet time just for He and I. Time to talk AND listen, to pray, to read, to get closer to Him.

7. Work on social interaction skills - STOP LAUGHING! I'm serious. You've no idea what living in self imposed isolation for 5yrs can do to the most simplest of social skills. I mean I didn't have many to begin with, but now - eek. It's rough. I think people don't quite understand what I mean when I say self imposed isolation.

After my ex-fiance and I broke up I sort of enclosed myself in a bubble. I saw people at work and church. I talked to them, but I made no connection, shared no personal information about me, didn't care to hear any about them. For 5yrs I had only minimal interaction with people and what there was of that was superficial - not meaning it was 'fake' per say, just that there was no depth to it.

So now I'm left not even knowing how the process of becoming friends with someone works. But I've recently 'net met' one of the sweetest guys on the planet who is helping me work through that, so hopefully in time I'll be a bit less inept at interpersonal relationships.

8. Love ME. This one is going to take the most work I think. Years of never feeling like I fit in, like I was 'enough', like I was deserving or capable of being loved have sort of set a precedent in how I react to people, how I react to myself. So learning to love ME - will ultimately result in allowing me to love others, and BE LOVED in return. Once again that same sweet fella I mentioned in #7 has come to my 'rescue' . In a recent conversation he asked me - "What is enough? And who are you trying to be enough for and who are they to say you're not? To God - you are perfect and without blemish - can you get anymore enough than that??"

I know lists like these usually come in tens, but I think these are 8 pretty big goals.

I suppose if there were a 9 it would this..

To express my sincere thanks and gratitude to my 'web friends'. You have lifted me up and loved me more than you can ever possibly know. I'd list you each to give proper credit but I'm afraid I'd leave someone out, so to you all - every blog friend, every twitter friend,

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

** Edit ~ you may notice that I've said nothing about dating, or romantic relationships in any of my changes. Well that's because I've decide to not let that particular area hold any more weight in my life so to speak. I'll leave up the one profile I have on OKC and if I get messages I'll reply and be open to seeing what - if anything - comes of it. But I've decided to 'put into practice' something I've always known, but never lived - and that is that God is ALL I NEED to be happy. To be healthy. To be loved. To be COMPLETE. So I'm trusting that in getting lost in HIM - the man of my dreams will find ME, and if he doesn't - well I'll still be OK =)

New Years Resolutions

I've never been one for making New Year's Resolutions.. I always thought, why wait for the new year to do what I can do today... I still think that way. But this year has been a big year for me, I've learned a lot about myself, life, love, hope, despair, happiness, joy, determination and many other things and I've decided that this year.. I have some resolutions to make. I have some changes that I choose to see transform from "what ifs" in my head to becoming "what IS" in my life. I've read some books by author Neale Donald Walsch over the past few months that have completely transformed my way of thinking.

The funny thing is.. the ideas in the book, the revelations, the motivations.. are all things I've thought for as long as I can remember. They were also things I always thought could never truly be, just hoped for. That has changed... I've allowed myself to be opened to an incredible world of possibility - a world where really believing something is possible is enough, nay MORE than enough to make it not only possible, but so.

One of the things in the books I've read that really stands out to me is the power of words. The power of their effect not only on others when spoken by you, but the effect that self spoken words have. I've struggled for as long as I can remember with depression, I've never really persued medical treatment or taken medication. I've gone to therapy here and there, but I've always been one of those people who believed that admitting I didn't have total and complete control over my life and my emotions was the same as admitting failure. And as a perfectionist with a mild case of OCD (obessive compulsive disorder) failure was not an option.

What I've come to realize is that no one is ever completely in control. We like to feel that we are, we like to give the impression to others, and to ourselves that we are, but in reality having everything totally, completely "under control" isn't entirely possible. What we CAN have under control though is our own response.. to the things we do have under control, the things we "think" we have under control, and the things we have absolutely no control over at all. As an intelligent, emotionally motivated human being I CAN control how and even IF I allow things to directly effect myself, my feelings, my mood and my life. There's a section in the book I'm reading now, "Friendship with God", that says that one of the ways to achieve true mastery over life - is to decide HOW you will react to a circumstance BEFORE it occurs.

For someone who's unexplainably more often sad that not, and always wishing she "could feel different" that's earth shattering. If what the speaker is saying in this book is real.. and possible, then everytime I've been sad, upset, hurt, angry, and any other emotion that I've felt as a reaction to something that's occurred in my life or something I felt someone "did" to me, I could have simply CHOSEN to feel another way. I know it's one thing to hear something like that.. you think sure.. that's easier said than done. No one WANTS to be angry, or hurt, or sad.. Everyone would CHOOSE to be happy and joyful all the time if they could... right? I mean wouldn't they?

Crazy as it may sound.. I'm thinking.. no.. more often than not they wouldn't. Why? Well because if we didn't feel hurt and angry when our boyfriend, husband, wife, cheated on us then we wouldn't have any "right" to say mean things to them, or to talk bad about them to our family, or expect other people to not like them because we were angry and hurt. I personally am not guilty of this one example - I went the extreme in the opposite direction actually - I simply accepted that what had happened happened, forgave him and went blindly on for many more months thinking things would work out, but it was the first example that came to mind. Something the key speaker in "Friendship with God" says is that as people, humans, a culture, a society in general we thrive on drama. Any kind of drama. He said this so I'm angry drama. She did that so I'm hurt drama. That friend wasn't there the way I thought they should be, so I'll never forgive them drama. The senarios are endless. And the more I think about it.. entirely too true.

I've always says that I hate drama, I moved 1100 miles away from my family so I could have a nice, quiet, peaceful, drama free life, and for the most part I did. I, like many others had relationship problems, and friendship problems, job problems, money problems, etc. And I got angry, sad, hurt, indignant.. you name it I've felt it. Most of us have. But think about it.. how much simpler would live have been if we'd chosen, instead of getting all riled up about something that happened - we'd stopped, taken stock of what had happened, considered the possible why's, who's, what's, where's etc of the event then said - Ok.. it is what it is, now it was what it is, and I'm moving on. Well that's what I'm deciding to do from here on out. That's my number one New Year's Resolution. Every morning when I get up I will say "I AM happy, I AM full of joy, I AM thankful for my life, my health & my intelligence, I AM BLESSED and I WILL remain that way regardless of what today brings my way." It sounds so rediculously easy doesn't it? To just DECIDE to be happy and full of joy. No Matter What. Well it's exactly what I intend to do.. and I'll let ya know how it goes along the way! =)

The video is something I found this morning while looking for a Christmas ecard I could post on here and my MySpace.. It's very simple and very deep.. and very how I plan to start my new year.. except that I'm not waiting until January 1 to do it... I'm starting Now.

Peace, Joy, Love and Blessings to you all..

Mollie