Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Today we're going to talk about woman's number one enemy.

No... not Men. They may be a pain at times, but they have their uses.

I'm talking about the scale.

That 12x12 piece of plastic or metal, that with the twirl of a dial or the flash of a digit, can make or break your day.

Last week I sent an e-mail out to my Muffin Top(ple) ladies with a picture of me from 2004 and I asked them all to guess how much I weighed in the picture.

Here is the picture


The guesses were varied and ranged from 175 to 205lbs.

In that picture I was in the best physical shape I'd been in years. I was fit, healthy, exercising regularly and eating right.

And I weighed 237 pounds.

So many people pick a number, a weight for a goal when losing weight and get discouraged when they don't see drastic changes on the scale. Having a goal weight can be helpful, but as you can see by the picture I didn't look like I weighed anywhere near 240lbs even though I did. I was in a size 18 jeans (that I still have & will wear again!) and I was super fit and healthy.

I'd like to give you a little something to chew on (other than that candy bar!). Watching the numbers drop on the scale is always a great motivator... but an 'ideal' weight for one person may be way off for someone else - so what's most important is to shoot for getting healthy and feeling good about yourself.

According to medicine, doctors, weight charts.. the 'ideal' healthy weight for my height 5ft 5in (or 65 inches) and bone structure (large) is between 127-155lbs.

Even if I stretch it and go by the 1 inch heel height and say I'm 5'6" that only gives me another 4lbs.

My BOOBS weigh almost that much. I would, to be totally honest look sickly and ill if I weighed anything less than 185 pounds. 200 would probably be a perfect weight for me, but 235 is where I've found I'm most comfortable and physically fit. At the same time my mom is one inch taller than me and can pull off weighing 125 with no problem. My sister is 5'3" and normally wears about a size 6/8 - also around 125lbs.

My mom, me, sister & brother at my sister's wedding May 2005.

Which of these things is not like the other???


I've spent the last 20 years comparing myself to a family of skinny people. I am the ONLY heavyset person in my immediate family, and for years all I could think was "how in the world can I ever get small enough to weigh what they weigh?!?"

The answer is I can't. I have a different body type. I will always be a 'thick' chic. I'll always have curves and I'll always be bigger than everyone in my family... and I'm finally realizing that that's OK. As long as I'm healthy and feel good about myself the numbers really don't mean anything.

Anyway - I guess the point I'm trying to make is don't get caught up in the numbers on the scale. Pay attention to how you feel, the fit of your clothes, the new energy you have... and let those things be your guide.

If you still feel like you should weigh a certain weight because a chart tells you, take a look at this. It's a height and weight chart made up of pictures of real people. It's a great visual for understanding the human body and how one person who's say 5'5", can weigh 235lbs and look smaller than a person who's 5'7" and weighs less.

Don't be a slave to the scale ladies (and fellas). Eat right, exercise and focus on being healthy. The fit of your clothes and the feel of your body will tell you more than a number ever could.

Muffin Top(ple) Monday - a day late & a donut short

I've been back from Mexico for one week and I figure it was time to get off my fat tush and get back to blogging. OK technically I'll be sitting ON my fat tush to blog but... anyway.

First I want to give a HUGE thanks to the lovely ladies who filled in for me while I was gone. They did a flabtastic job and I hope you add them to your list of blogs to stalk visit on a regular basis.

Just a Titch
Sex, Lies and Dating in the City
If Music Be
Just Lisa, No Filler

Now, on to business.

Before I left for Mexico I'd made a goal of not gaining weight while on vacation and I think I accomplished that. I say think because I weighed myself first thing in the morning the day after I got home, then had a doctor's appointment that same morning and the scale at the doctor's office said I weighed 9 pounds LESS than what my scale at home said.

The scale at the doc is one of those old timey ones where you slide the weights along the bars. My scale at home is digital. Matthew had a check up the week before and the doctor's office scale said he weighed almost 10 pounds MORE than the scale at home so I really have no idea which one is right. I have another appointment today and I weighed myself at home this morning so we'll see what the doc's scale has to say.

You may be wondering what's with all the doctor's appointments?

As you may or may not know, (and the only reason you wouldn't know is if you hadn't been reading my blog and in that case why the hell not?!) I have hypothyroidism. About 5 years ago I gained 30lbs in two months for no apparent reason. I joined a gym, worked out for two hours a day, five days a week and let a trainer beat my ass for three hours one day a week. Six weeks later and I had not lost One Single Pound. Turns out there was a reason. I could have worked out until I lost consciousness and it wouldn't have done much. I went to doc, had some blood drawn and voila! Under active thyroid. Yay me!

With diet, exercise and my daily dose of Levothyroxin I managed to get a few of those pounds off and manage to not gain anymore weight. Then I moved back to the south.

The last few years I lived in Michigan I'd adopted a relatively healthy lifestyle. I worked out in the gym at my apartment on a regular basis, I rarely ate fast food and I'd completely given up pop (aka soda, coke). I was fit, healthy and felt good about myself, if only on a superficial level.

In 2006 I made the decision to move back south to be near my niece and I'll be damned if the sun didn't melt the 'healthy' part of my brain. I started drinking pop again, I quit working out, I became close friends with Krystal's and Rally's and I put on 45lbs.

Even though by 'medical standards' I was morbidly obese, I was, according to 2 full work-ups in as many years completely and perfectly healthy. Well aside from the thyroid issue, that is. My blood pressure was normal, my sugar was fine, my good cholesterol was a little low but my bad cholesterol was great.

Last year I had the pleasure of finding out that there was another contributing factor to the increasing size of my waistline. I also have PCOS. You can read about that blog post here. One of the 'symptoms' or side effects of having PCOS is weight gain. Back in January my doc put me on Loestrin birth control to 'treat' my PCOS and in just over a month I put on 20lbs. One of the top side effects of Loestrin? You guessed it...

Weight Gain

I guess in the back of my mind I'd taken to thinking, well I've gained weight, and I'm not happy about said weight gain but as long as I'm still 'healthy' it's not that big of a deal.

Well I'm annoyed, aggravated and angry to say it's become a big deal. My appointment today is to discuss ways to lower my apparently now high cholesterol and I've no doubt losing weight is going to be at the top of the list. When the nurse called me to give me my lab results she said 'you should go on a diet'. I wanted to rip her throat out through the phone.

Below are two pictures of me.

The first picture is me in July of 2003. The second is me on my vacation just last week.

As you can see I've gained quite a bit of weight.
In just under 6 yrs I have gained about 65lbs. In my defense it was just about a year after that first picture that my thyroid decided to crap out and I've been in a battle to balance meds ever since. In my NOT defense - I admit to having developed a defeatist attitude when I was told 'you'll be on medication for the rest of your life' and said what the hell, it doesn't matter what I eat I'm going to gain weight anyway so screw it and I all but gave up a hella hard earned healthy lifestyle.

The funny thing is, according to EVERY 'ideal healthy weight' chart I can find, I was about 85lbs overweight in the first picture, which would make me... well a hell of a lot MORE overweight now.

But according to several doctors and a ton of tests I was perfectly healthy 25 pounds ago.

One of the ladies who is a part of Operation Muffin Top(ple) said in an e-mail today that she got on the scale and realized that she'd finally reached 'that number'. A number that she never thought and always hoped she would never see on a scale. I imagine we all have one of those numbers, I know I do. I also know that in recent weeks I've reached and topped it.

I always looked at big people and thought It can't be good for their health, how can they have let themselves get so big?. Now I know.

And now it's not just about looking better in my clothes, or feeling better about how my jeans fit. It's about correcting the health issues that being overweight have created. It's about saving myself... while I still can.

Beauty Everywhere

Yes, Mollie is back from vacation. She’d asked me to guest blog, along with some other wonderful ladies, while she was away but I got my days all messed up and well…

My name is Simone Grant and I blog daily over at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City. I didn’t have to think long about what I wanted to blog about for Mollie, because I really liked her post Beautiful You. It got me to thinking just about what an odd relationship I have, and most women have with our bodies.

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I’m gonna out myself here. I’m not participating in this Muffin Top Monday thing. And, truthfully, I don’t really need to. I’m pretty thin. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own body and self–image issues.

I’m a 38-year old single woman who lives in New York City, a town where an unnatural percentage of the population makes their living being beautiful. It’s freaking intimidating. I’ll think I look nice, on my way out to a date, and then pass a gaggle of teen-aged supermodels on my way to the subway. Pow, there goes my self-confidence. One night, years ago, I was actually stopped on a street corner by a “helpful” stranger who told me to go home and put on nicer clothes and some make-up (it was a hot summer night and I was wearing a tank top and cut-offs, without a stitch make-up).

There were many years (decades?) when I was completely incapable of looking at myself, naked, in the mirror the way Mollie talks about in her post. And then one day I kind of got over it. I realized that no one, certainly none of the men I’d ever dated, expected me to look like a supermodel. And that I was beautiful in my own way.

Just like Mollie (heck, if I had a boyfriend who told me I was hot, I don’t know if I’d be dieting). And just like all of you. Beautiful. Every damn one of us.

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

It's week 3 of Operation Muffin Top(ple) and I'd love to say I've had huge success but that would sadly be a big fat lie, which would match my big fat ass.

I have done relatively good though. I've been eating more healthy and exercising more, but still have no real weight loss to speak of. I'm sure it didn't help that I ran out of my thyroid medicine and didn't get it filled until over a week later. Nothing puts the kibosh on dropping pounds quite like an under active thyroid. But as far as actual pounds lost, it just hasn't happened.

Saturday Matthew and I did a bit of a juice fast. We stocked up Naked Juice and had that for breakfast and lunch, then did taco salad for dinner. Saturday afternoon we walked to an art festival in downtown Mobile. It was 1.3 miles each way, plus we walked around for about an hour so I figure I got in 3 miles of walking this weekend. I'll blog about the festival later.

I'd planned on doing the 30 Day Shred this week until I left for vacation on Thursday but in the last block home Saturday I twisted my ankle so now I will be taking it easy instead. I plan to do a butt load of walking up and down the beach in Puerto Vallarta and I'd rather not limp the entire time.

So that's it for the diet & exercise update. Now we're going to talk about something else.

Saturday afternoon as Matthew and I were getting ready to leave the Arts Alive festival to come back home we ran into two old friends of his from high school. The guys were twins, dressed alike. Apparently they were freshman when Matthew was a senior so that would make them 21(ish), still entirely too old to be matching. But that's just my opinion.

Anyway. They guys and Matthew were super excited to have run into each other and did the "OMG wow it's been forever, it's so good to see you, how've you been" thing. Matthew introduced me to them (as his girlfriend *giggle*) and they chatted for a few minutes more.

You may be wondering what in the world any of this has to do with Muffin Top(ple) Monday. Just stick with me, we'll get there.

There were lots of Awesome! and Super Great! going on from the twins. These two guys were way uber exuberant, to the point that it was making me uncomfortable and I was on the verge of telling Matthew we needed to get going. I don't believe I've ever seen any one person so intensely excited to see another person before in my life, much less two. They finally wrapped up and Matthew and I started walking home.

Well when we got a few blocks down the street I asked him, "uhh honey, what was wrong with those guys?".

He looked at me, confused. "What do you mean what's wrong with them?".

"Well, are they, like, you know, slow, or something? They way they were acting was just weird. Not... normal."

Turns out one of the guys was valedictorian of his senior class. They were super smart, super friendly and apparently always super excited about life.

I'll cut out the nasty parts, where I imitated *read - made fun of* his friends and he got pissed at me, and I ended up walking home alone and skip to the point of this post.

Something about the way those guys acted bothered me. And for some unknown reason I felt the uncontrollable need to imitate them. At the time I wasn't thinking of what I was doing as 'mocking' or 'making fun of' them, but in reality that is what I was doing and my honey, defender of humanity that he is, called me out on it. The result was not pretty.

I didn't consciously intend to make fun of his friends, and him calling me out on doing exactly that had the effect of making me feel like a big steaming pile of pewp. For years I've always gotten angry when I heard people making fun of someone for the way they looked, or dressed. Making fun of the mentally handicapped is sure to get me steamed and I will call you out on being an ass. So for him to call me out on an action that I so intensely disliked from others struck a nerve.

Then on the way home karma had her bitchy way with me and I tripped on an uneven piece of sidewalk and fell flat on my face, scratching my hands up and bruising my knee.

In spite of me being a total jerk, when I came in crying Matthew went right to the medicine cabinet and proceeded to gently doctor me up. Then he held me while I sobbed my little heart out because I felt awful about being a jerk. God has truly blessed me with this man.

So how in the world does this tie into Muffin Top(ple) Monday?

Let me tell you..

When I first signed up for Operation Muffin Top(ple), I was directed to this blog post. For the purposes of this post, I want you to scroll about 3/4 down the page and look at the picture of women who are exhibiting obvious signs of Muffin Top malady. I'll wait for you.

When I saw those pictures and read the post I reacted in two ways.

1. I thought - man someone should tell those poor girls they're wearing the wrong size.

2. I thought - people probably think the same thing when they see me.

What I didn't do, in spite of thinking how similar my full length photos look to those, is think how wrong it was. The incident this weekend brought me back to those photos. And THAT is where this all ties in together.

I'm not entirely certain what it was about those two guys that bothered me so much. I have no idea why I felt a need to make fun of them, however unintentionally, but what I do know is that poking fun at the expense of another is never ever EVER OK.

To be as huge as it is, the Internet can at times be a very very small place. What if those women blog? What if they happened across the blog where their photos are plastered all over a post as a 'motivation tool' to diet and exercise so you don't end up looking like them??

How would they feel? How would I feel? How would you feel?

I know I'd feel horrible. I may act all tough but my self-esteem is more often than not only a few flushes away from being in the crapper. Seeing my picture on a blog emphasizing how someone didn't want to end up looking would result in some pretty severe self-depreciation.

So what is it about things that make us uncomfortable in other people that lends to thinking it's ever ok to make fun of them? Now you may be saying "Aw come on Mollie, it was just an example, it's not like anyone is really getting picked on. It's not like those chics know their pictures are on the web being used as an example of why not to eat Twinkies".

But what if they did? And even if they don't and never do, so what. Why does that make it OK? It doesn't. I was so horribly disappointed in myself when I realized that regardless of what I thought I was doing, I actually was making fun of those guys. I can't stand those kinds of people, so to have it smack me square in the face that I was being one - not OK.

It all comes down to self-image. Those guys were super excited to see my boyfriend. But instead of being happy that my man is so fantastic that after not seeing him for four years someone would be that stoked to run into him, I was bothered by their exuberance. I am a fairly calm, mellow, laid back kind of person. My passions run deep, but they run deep quietly.

During our argument about my, to quote @iamdiddy, 'bitchassness' behavior Matthew made the comment "Well they're my friends and I accept them for who they are". So why couldn't I? I actually said something along the lines of "Well I just wouldn't be able to hang out with someone like that".

Like that?

Like what? Happy? Full of joy? Loud? Not normal?

Who the hell am I to say what's normal or not? Most people think I'm not normal because I play life so close to the vest and am usually entirely too serious. But that's just me. That's how I am. Loud and boisterous is how those guys are. Overweight and wearing too small shirts is, at least at that particular moment, how the women in those pictures were.

I think I've strayed a bit but the whole thing just really got me thinking.

"They're my friends and I accept them for who they are."

Is the reason we have such a hard time doing that to people who we view as odd, or different, or whatever kind of characteristic that stands out to us as not 'OK', because maybe we don't accept ourselves as who WE are so we point out the flaws in others to compensate?

It's definitely something to think about.

Someone who points out and pokes fun at the differences in people is not the kind of person I want to be.

When I told Matthew he shouldn't be with me, that he deserved someone better because I wasn't a good person, he said this - "You're as good as you want to be". Then he told me was with me because he WANTED to be, regardless of whether I thought he should be or not.

So I guess the next step is figuring out just how good of a person I want to be and start working on getting there. Then thank God each and every day for blessing me with such an incredibly wonderful man.

Beautiful you..

"Honey there is nothing sexy about my rolls."

Let me clear up any possible confusion, that statement has nothing to do with bread.

Matthew is often telling me how sexy he thinks I am. How much he loves 'all of me', just the way I am.

I am often contradicting him, telling him he's crazy, that there is just nothing even remotely attractive about fat.

There's this song I've been hearing on the radio lately that I love. I know all the words, I sing along and dance in the car when it comes on, but for some reason until this morning I apparently haven't really been hearing it.

If you've been around my blog the last few days then you know that I've joined up with a group of fellow bloggers/tweeters in a friendly competition to lose our muffin tops.

What is a muffin top?



That thing hanging out between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her pants.

Maybe it's the new found determination to get back into shape and improve my health, maybe it's that I have a wonderful man at home who never fails to make me feel loved, or maybe it was just the right time for the lyrics of that particular song to click into place but whatever it was, it got me thinking.

Who was it that made me feel less than beautiful because I have a little extra to love? Ok so I have a lot extra. But so what. Right?

I had to do a little digging and if you're one of those people (like me) who cringe at the site of a little cellulite you may want to prepare yourself, but I finally found some pictures that show just how far we've come - or fallen - in the idea of what is and isn't beautiful.

Here are 3 paintings from the Renaissance period, I believe.

The Three Graces
Charites, known in Greek mythology as The Three Graces, goddesses of such things as charm, beauty, and creativity.

These women were considered beautiful. Heck the first painting reflects women who were thought to be goddesses. Goddesses of charm, beauty and creativity! They are NOT stick thin size 6 women. Hell they're not even size 8 women. More likely they were closer to a 14-16. They have tummies, and thick thighs. They have curves and shape. And they were beautiful. They were art!

So what happened? When did we, society start thinking that 'thin was in'? And when did we, women start believing that rubbish?

I'm the first to say that I don't find fat attractive. Seeing myself naked is enough to threaten my lunch to return from whence it came. Yet my boyfriend finds me beautiful. He enjoys my naked body, rolls and all. Just last night I was in the kitchen cooking and he came up behind me and slid his arms around my waist and told me how awesome I was, while rubbing up and down on my tummy.

I'm not, nor have I ever been attracted to heavier guys, even though I'm far from small myself. My ex-fiance gained a good bit of weight after we'd been together a while and seeing his body go from relatively fit to flabby completely turned me off.

Why?

Was it that seeing his flab reminded me of my own? Was it that I'd been conditioned to buy into the crap that in order to be attractive, sexy, handsome, you have to be a certain size or shape?

I've never been "thin", have honestly never wanted to be. I'm perfectly ok, happy even being a thick chic. But there's 'thick' and then there's 'fat'. And fat is where I feel I am now. Fat is what makes me want to turn out the lights when the clothes come off and the lovin' comes on. Fat is what makes me stand in front of my closet dreading having to find something that camouflages my 'muffin top' and back fat.

But to the man who loves me - I am perfect just the way I am. I am beautiful.

That's where the song ties into all this. It talks about a little girl, and then a young woman who've bought into the crap the media feeds us that we have to look a certain way to be beautiful, then the chorus says "There can never be a more beautiful you... You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do. So there could never be a more beautiful you."

So I'm issuing a challenge, and it's one I'm going to take myself. Tonight when you get home, or tomorrow when you get up - get undressed and stand in front of a mirror. Oh Shut up, it will not crack, break or shatter. And yes you DO have one big enough. But look at yourself. Look at yourself in the way that someone who loves you does. See what they see.

I'm not in the best shape I've ever been in and my need to lose weight is more based on health issues than worrying about my appearance, but I'm just as guilty of looking in the mirror and feeling ugly because my body doesn't look how I'd like it to. But in spite of my extra jiggle and the rolls that have nothing to do with dinner er ok, mostly to do with dinner, but you know where I was trying to go with that - for those who are like ummm huh?

Get it - rolls...dinner..
Dinner rolls

ok where were we?

Right, naked. Naked and beautiful. Because no matter what size you are, how much cellulite you have, if you've been guilty of stuffing your extra top stomach into your pants so you look like you have some sort of a waist line You ARE BEAUTIFUL.

God created you for a specific purpose. You have a reason for being on this earth, a place that no one else can fill. So if you need to drop a few pounds to feel better about yourself, or get in better health that's one thing, but if you're starving yourself and dragging ass at the gym every morning because you think losing a bit of fluff around the middle will make you 'prettier' then give yourself a swift kick in the ass sister. Drag yourself to a mirror and say these words...

I AM BEAUTIFUL. JUST AS I AM.

NOW BELIEVE IT.

Because it's true

More Beautiful You

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

With a little bit of glue & a whole lot of love....

This used to be me....

then I met The Editor.

A month ago today I blogged about taking a chance and seeing if my friendship with The Editor could possibly become something more. Today I can tell you that it could, it did, it has, and it was without a doubt the absolute best chance I've ever taken in my life.

I had my first case of puppy love in the 5th grade. His name was Michael Shea. I was madly in crush with him for our whole 5th grade year and when he moved away I was devastated. He'd been living with his grandparents while his parents got settled at the new location his dad had been stationed. My grandparents lived across the street and I remember sitting in the living room at my grandma's house the day he left listening to Bon Jovi's 'Never Say Goodbye' over and over on cassette tape, crying my little 10yr old heart out. I found Michael on Myspace last year. He's still cute as can be, and his new wife is pretty hot as well. Turns out he never knew I had a crush on him lol.

In junior high and high school I had a crush on a couple of different guys, but I was the quiet girl with good grades and I'd have died a thousand slow deaths before letting them know I liked them. The guy I had a thing for my 11th and 12th grade year had a brief cameo in one of my blogs a while back. Turns out he always thought I was cute and remembers checking out my boobs a lot (how nice), but was hung up on an on-again/off-again girlfriend and was never brave enough to ask me out. Or so he says..

Fast forward to February 1999. This is when I met the guy who would be my first. I was 23. Our 'relationship' was short lived, but we are still friends today and he calls me fairly often.

In April of the following year, I met Lazeras - the guy who would become my fiance - twice - and totally consume my life for the next 3 years. To understand some of how I got to be where I am now, you'd need to read the story of Lazeras - but to summarize so we can continue on here - he manipulated and abused me in basically every way possible; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. When I finally realized that I was a shell of the woman I used to be and ended things for good in April of 2003, the damage that had been done was extensive.

The next five years were basically a self imposed isolation from the world. No dating, no real friendships, minimal contact with family, co-workers and acquaintances - just work and sleep. I convinced myself that I was OK, I'd moved on, I'd healed and that the jagged bloody wounds he'd left on my heart and soul had long since scabbed up and were just faint scars of memory.

Zoom to September 2008.

Enter PT.

PT was a guy I met online shortly after I finally decided to come out of hiding and see, for the first time in my life, what the dating game was all about. PT was everything I'd ever imagined finding in 'the perfect guy'. Only it turned out that those qualities, while real, were very thinly veiling a guy with issues nearly as deep as my own. PT showed me that I could feel again. He also showed me I was still very capable of being hurt.

The Editor -

I met The Editor around the same time I met PT, through the same dating site actually. The Editor was one of those guys who seemed really sweet and a potential friend, but just didn't 'make the cut' as someone I thought I'd be interested in 'dating'. Ok, Ok.. so I was wrong. It happens. Rarely, but it does happen.

The beginning of January saw me closing final doors with PT and wondering about doors that weren't yet open with The Editor. I was conflicted about this - I mean I wasn't attracted to him 'like that'. He was sweet and funny and we had a good time together the few times we'd hung out but I just didn't see him as someone who could be more. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling though that I might be missing something about him so one day I broached the subject about 'seeing' each other and we decided to give it a go.

The first time we hung back out after the conversation was sooo awkward. Here I was with this guy who I'd never seen as anything more than a friend and all of a sudden I'm noticing how nice his lips are, and what a cute butt he has and wondering if - ok, how much - I'd freak out if he tried to kiss me. We met at the mall during his dinner break from work and ate, then sat in the car for half an hour and just talked. The whole time I'm thinking - man he has nice lips - I wonder how they feel, and it turns out he was - well - having similar thoughts. :)

Since then we've gotten closer than I've ever been with another human being. Because we work opposite shifts we've had to come up with a schedule to see each other. We have a regular 'date night' on one of his regular evenings off - we chill at my apartment and have dinner, then cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or TV. He has regular 'sleep over' nights when he comes over after he gets off work and stays the night - and wrapped in each other's arms we do exactly that - sleep.

He... there is so much this man has done for me that I'm not even sure I have the words to explain it all. Because of him I'm learning who I really am, I'm gaining control over my emotions, my thoughts, my life, my SELF. I'm learning to work through my feelings instead of giving in to them. I'm learning to force positive thoughts instead of melting down at the slightest sign of things becoming unorganized in my life. I'm finding out for the first time in my life what it is to be really, truly, wholly, unconditionally LOVED. And it is phenomenal.

He gives me more than I've ever imagined possible but at the same time he knows when and how to stand firm with me. When I'm melting down and falling into a pit of despair and pity he refuses to, and I'm quoting him - 'coddle' me. He addresses the root of the issue, shows compassion and love for that, but when I decide it's not enough and I want to cry and scream and rage against the world he walks away and leaves me to deal with myself. He makes me face myself and DEAL with ME. And he does it in a way that leaves me feeling nothing but love from him. No judgment, no blame, no disdain, no pity. Just love - complete all-encompassing love. He understands my 'issues' from past experiences, but he doesn't allow me to use them as excuses anymore.

I've spent my entire life thinking I was broken, that there was just something wrong with me. I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, and honestly can't pin point a time in my life when I've been truly deeply happy and at peace. Sure there have been good moments here and there, but they've been shallow moments of joy - always covering a much deeper feeling of immense internal despair. I've tried and tried to force happiness in myself. I've tried to 'fake it until I make it' in seeing life with hope and positivity and to be totally honest the 'make it' part has never really 'made it'.

I can remember back as young as 3yrs of age feeling alone, unloved, different, set apart, not understood. I'd become resigned to the fact that I was just not like other people - that maybe I wasn't able to really be happy. I'd also gotten pretty good at faking it - at least I thought so.

But since taking the chance to let things become 'more than friends' with The Editor all of that has changed. I'm taking an active role in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my future. I have true hope that I can be in control of my feelings instead of a victim to them. I feel stronger, more confident, more motivated and eager to improve my life and myself as a person.

I'm not saying everything is all better, or that all of my problems and issues have suddenly gone away over night - not at all. There are still many many 'switches' I have to flip in the long hallway of things in my life that need addressing, but for the first time in - ever - I have the belief that things can change - that they can be better - that I can be better, and I owe that to him. And the most amazing thing is - these change aren't taking place because I want to be a better person for him - they're happening because I truly want to be a better person for ME.

You may not know it, but if you've been following my blog lately you've already met him in the post about my latest tattoo- but I think it's time for a formal introduction.

Ladies and gentleman I give you the first man in my life to ever really truly show me love and NOTHING BUT LOVE.

The Editor - heretofore known as...

Matthew

and yea.... I <3>

Feeling ~and looking~ fine in 2009

Resolution schmesolution.

How many of you have ever made and actually KEPT a New Year's Resolution?

I see, what, two - three hands?

Liars lol

I've never actually made a New Year's Resolution, and this year will be no different.

What I have decided to do is make a New LIFE Resolution - and I'm not waiting for the New Year to do it.

Today - Monday, December 29, 2008 is the 1st day of my new life. A life to becoming the very best ME I can be.

I'm not going to get on a 'diet' or 'exercise plan'. I'm not going to follow a 'program' in some self-help book I read. What I am going to do is just make some basic, but important changes that will result in bringing me back to a healthier (mental and physical) and happier ME.

So without further ado, here are a few of the things I will be changing - adjusting - adding etc.

1. Switch from the full to non-fat version of my favorite Starbucks drink. Hey - important changes come first!

2. Limit my Starbucks purchases to one a week - not only will this help my waistline - it will help my wallet!!

3. Walk the dog at least one mile EVERY DAY! The only exception to this rule will be rain or freezing weather - in which case we will find a way to play in the apartment in a way that will wear both of our butts out!

4. Back to not eating meat. I did really good for almost a year, then the thing with PT happened and I started finding myself at Krystals now and again. Not entirely sure what's on those burgers can be classified as actual meat, but still.

5. Back to eating portion controlled balanced meals - that means more salad, veggies, fruits and healthy grains, lots of baked and grilled fish and seafood too!

6. Setting aside "God Time" - I talk to God all the time, throughout the day, here and there, but I need to start setting aside a quiet time just for He and I. Time to talk AND listen, to pray, to read, to get closer to Him.

7. Work on social interaction skills - STOP LAUGHING! I'm serious. You've no idea what living in self imposed isolation for 5yrs can do to the most simplest of social skills. I mean I didn't have many to begin with, but now - eek. It's rough. I think people don't quite understand what I mean when I say self imposed isolation.

After my ex-fiance and I broke up I sort of enclosed myself in a bubble. I saw people at work and church. I talked to them, but I made no connection, shared no personal information about me, didn't care to hear any about them. For 5yrs I had only minimal interaction with people and what there was of that was superficial - not meaning it was 'fake' per say, just that there was no depth to it.

So now I'm left not even knowing how the process of becoming friends with someone works. But I've recently 'net met' one of the sweetest guys on the planet who is helping me work through that, so hopefully in time I'll be a bit less inept at interpersonal relationships.

8. Love ME. This one is going to take the most work I think. Years of never feeling like I fit in, like I was 'enough', like I was deserving or capable of being loved have sort of set a precedent in how I react to people, how I react to myself. So learning to love ME - will ultimately result in allowing me to love others, and BE LOVED in return. Once again that same sweet fella I mentioned in #7 has come to my 'rescue' . In a recent conversation he asked me - "What is enough? And who are you trying to be enough for and who are they to say you're not? To God - you are perfect and without blemish - can you get anymore enough than that??"

I know lists like these usually come in tens, but I think these are 8 pretty big goals.

I suppose if there were a 9 it would this..

To express my sincere thanks and gratitude to my 'web friends'. You have lifted me up and loved me more than you can ever possibly know. I'd list you each to give proper credit but I'm afraid I'd leave someone out, so to you all - every blog friend, every twitter friend,

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

** Edit ~ you may notice that I've said nothing about dating, or romantic relationships in any of my changes. Well that's because I've decide to not let that particular area hold any more weight in my life so to speak. I'll leave up the one profile I have on OKC and if I get messages I'll reply and be open to seeing what - if anything - comes of it. But I've decided to 'put into practice' something I've always known, but never lived - and that is that God is ALL I NEED to be happy. To be healthy. To be loved. To be COMPLETE. So I'm trusting that in getting lost in HIM - the man of my dreams will find ME, and if he doesn't - well I'll still be OK =)

Lash out Ladies!

As a women I feel obligated to spread the word when I come across a truly magnificent product. I'm pretty picky so that doesn't happen often.

But today.. today ladies.. I bring you the unheard of... a product that actually gives the same results when used by us normal every day Janes as it does for the inhumanly gorgeous supermodels on the commercials.

I present to you, the miracle of all miracles, the wonder of all wonders..

I mascara that really truly does lengthen, thicken and separate your lashes!

Don't believe me? Yea, I didn't think you would.. so I took pictures.

I have very short, very thin, very are you serious.. what kind of excuse are those for lashes, lashes.

See.. no mascara equals no lashes. When my eyes are open, if I haven't gooped on fourteen coats of mascara you can barely even tell I have eyelashes. It's not much better when they're closed.



Now I preset to you - Maybelline Define a Lash Volume Mascara

Aren't my fingernails pretty?

I don't wear a lot of makeup, but what little I do wear is a must and it damn well better to do what it's intended to do. Some concealer for the under eye circles, some powder for the shine, lip gloss and mascara and I'm good to go.

So here are some pictures of the after - Look at those lashes ladies!!

Now a side by side comparison.

The first one is a really bad picture - something about angle or eh I don't know, but the point is look - can you see my eyelashes? Nope. Me neither.

But look at the second one.. Long luscious lashes woohoo! The eyelashes on my left eye have always been a little more sparse than the right ones but even those look longer and fuller.

The wand is unlike any I've ever seen. It's rubber, with little prickly spike thingies on it. I know that doesn't exactly sound like something you'd want to rub across your eyelid but it's actually really soft and comfortable.

No little microfiber brushes or plastic hair-like things getting gooped up and clogged when the the plastic doohickey inside the mascara tube stops scraping off the excess when you pull the wand out.

And it's shaped symmetrically so regardless of which hand you use or which angle you're applying it from your lashes get the same amount of mascara all the way across. The 'brush' part is really flexible too, so it curves with your lashes.

So when it comes to long luscious lashes that are out of this world..

move over Cover Girls.. because

Maybe she's born with it... or maybe it's Maybelline!

Just stuff some socks in my pants and call me Steve

The day started out beautifully. It was a gorgeous sunny day. I loaded my clothes basket in the car and headed to the laundry. I have a washer/dryer at my apartment complex but when it's nice out I like to go to the laundry so I can walk around in the shopping center while my clothes are washing & drying. I was just out and about enjoying a beautiful day. The enjoying ended about 5pm.

I was looking at some old pictures of me last night and saw one where I had this really cute shorter haircut. I've been letting my hair grow out after a disastrous hair cut last year. It had finally gotten past my shoulders and was at a length where I felt it was safe to brave another attempt at getting it cut into some kind of a style so that it was still growing out but actually looked half decent.

I have decided that I am NEVER getting my hair cut again. I don't care if I have 12 inch long split ends. No one is coming near my head with a pair of scissors. EVER

Here is me before. This was taken last week.

Here is the photo I showed to the stylist. Granted it's a bit shorter but still long in the front and very cute. It's a cut that would do well growing out. Plus I could totally rock this look.

This is what I ended up with. Angry would be a mild term to describe how I'm feeling about this.

Don't let the smile fool you. It's fake. I also don't have on any make-up which I'm sure doesn't help.

I specifically told her, I want the front to be absolutely no shorter than chin length. I can't stand my hair in my face, I HAVE to be able to tuck it behind my ears. It's no where freaking near that long!!

Argh. Ok I'm getting angry.. my hair keeps falling in my eyes as I'm typing and I keep trying to shove it behind my ears only to have it fall back in my eyes because it's TOO F'ING SHORT!

I'm going to end this now and go to bed. Hopefully I'll wake up with the style I asked for and find that this "oh great I look like a DUDE!" hair cut was all bad dream.


Until then I'll just slap a barrette in it. Aren't I just cute now. Grr.

Good Night.

Beauty is only...what the media says?

I was browsing blogs this morning and came across this video that Dove made. (see below) I have to say their Campain for Real Beauty is doing some pretty spectacular things in the fight to combat the twisted image of "beauty" the media is feeding us.

I've always been a bit on the "healthy" side and thankfully never really felt the pressure to be "thin". I was a very athletic kid and teen, playing softball from ages 7 through about 14, basketball for my church when I was 15 or 16, and volleyball my 2nd semester in college so even though I was a bit heavier than most kids I was still fit.

Thankfully medicine and science are slowly coming to the conclusion that being technically overweight doesn't always mean you're unhealthy. I'm considerably overweight now, technically obese, but am according to a complete blood panel and workup just last year, other than hypothyroidism, the picture of perfect health. This is not always the case though so I'm in no way saying it's safe or "ok" to be obese. You may be thinking.. wait didn't she just blog about going to the gym? Yes.. but that's not because I'm "unhealthy", it's because I'm carrying more weight now than I normally do and am personally not comfortable with it. I'm not striving to get thin, just back to a weight at which I'm more comfortable.

Things have gotten so out of hand with self-image these days that everywhere you look, on the cover of every magazine there is some article about how to lose weight, flatten your stomach, thin your thighs, tone your arms, or smooth your wrinkles. The list of improvements we're being told we need is vast. You have celebrities looking the same year after year, even respected news anchors are falling prey to the nip/tuck mentality. Speaking of Nip/Tuck.. there's even a show, heck there are several shows dedicated to showcasing the so-called benefit and need for aestheticly altering ourselves. You have Dr. 90210, Extreme Makeover (not the home edition), The Swan, Plastic Surgery Before & After, and my favorite (note extreme sarcasm here) I Want a Famous Face, that takes teenagers and offers them plastic surgery that promises to leave them looking like their favorite celebrity.

Then you have America's Top Model, Make me a Super Model, The Agency & The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, taking "average people" and running them through a gamet of tests and adventures to see who has what it takes to be a super model. In defence of Tyra's show, Top Model does offer the opportunity for "plus-sized" models, however so far none have made it in the top 4. Whether that's because the particular plus-size girls they choose fail to take consistently fantastic pictures or because the pictures aren't considered fantastic because of the girls size I can't say, but that show is at least showing that big can possibly be beautiful.

I have a niece who will be 2yrs old next month and I can only hope that by the time she's old enough to understand the implications of what she sees on TV and in magazines that times will have changed and what she'll see are pictures and images of Real Beauty, in every shape, size and color. I hope what she sees will teach her that she is beautiful, acceptible, worthy of being loved and perfect just as she is. I also hope, for the girls, boys, men and women influenced by what they see today, that it doesn't take that many years for such a change to occur.

You.. yes YOU are beautiful JUST AS YOU ARE. Never let anyone tell you differently.

I'm gonna be...

A BEAUTY

On the way back to the office from lunch I heard this song.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

So I thought I'd share =) Cuz I'm nice like that lol

The video is the only one I could find with the entire song. It's just some clips a fan put to the song. Lyrics are below the video.

Beauty - Ayiesha Woods




Never been the kind that the world defined ,
as being some trendy, top, super model
Never been the one you could call a swan ,
even though my mama said that they oughtta
So say a prayer for the girl with the hand me downs,
and the pig tails in her hair
One for me, one for you cause we never knew
that God don't even care

If you've got the walk and ain't got the talk
And ain't got the stuff that they dream of
Cause there'll be a beautiful day

Cause I...I, I'm gonna be a beauty!
I'm gonna see God y'all, and I'm gonna be a beauty!
Tell me you believe it

I'm a long way from home but I'm passing through
Seem like everything is so artificial
Cause everything that we see in the magazines or even on TV is so superficial
It's like a virus, I can't describe it, how shallow we can be
We say true beauty comes from the inside but all that we can see

She's got the walk - he's got the talk
And they've got the stuff the world dreams of
But there will be a beautiful day…

Cause I...I, I'm gonna be a beauty!
I'm gonna see God y'all, and I'm gonna be a beauty!
Tell me you believe it

What you see ain't what you get
Cause you ain't seen nothin' yet
What they see ain't who you are
Cause you're gonna be a shining star..

Cause I...I, I'm gonna be a beauty!
I'm tellin ya'll I... I, I'm gonna be a beauty!
I'm gonna see God y'all, and I'm gonna be a beauty!
Tell me you believe it