Moving Forward by Taking a Step Back

Sometimes a sign of trouble in paradise is really just a
speed bump reminding you to slow down and enjoy the ride. ~Me

Yesterday Matthew and I reached a breaking point.

He'd called me like he does every morning so I can talk him through the drive home from work. He works nights and is often fairly exhausted by the time he gets off around 8:30am, so talking gives him something to focus on so he doesn't nod off while driving.

That call, like most conversations we've had the last few weeks ended up in an argument. It was silly and stupid and over nothing of any importance, which is why it was so upsetting to me. After ten minutes of trying to steer the conversation back to calmer ground I gave in and hung up on him. Sitting at my desk, crying, I realized that the time may have come to make a decision I'd been dreading for weeks, the decision that we really were just not meant to be together, that being in a relationship was killing the beautiful friendship we used to have.

I sent him a text and asked him to please not go to bed yet, that as soon as I finished up some work I was coming home. We needed to talk. He said OK. My boss had stepped out of the office so I dropped him a quick e-mail saying I had an emergency at home and had to go. Not entirely true, but not completely false either. The rest of my life was about to change and that seemed pretty important to me.

During my drive home I thought of all the things Matthew had brought to my life, all the changes I'd made as a person as a result of knowing him. I thought of what it meant to be with him, and what it would mean to be without him and as bad as things had been lately the thought of not having him in my life just took my breath away.

I got home, went into our room and sat on the bed. I'd cried all the way home and was still crying once I got there. He came in and sat next to me and for the next ten minutes that's all we did. Then he pulled me into his arms and I fell apart.

Through sobs and hiccoughs, I told him that as much as I loved him and knew he loved me something had to change. I told him that I thought that it might be best if we went back to just being friends, but I was too selfish to make that decision for us. I told him that having him in my life was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but lately all we did was argue and I just couldn't live that way anymore. I told him that where we once communicated so well, now we could hardly even talk without arguing. I told him that the thought us possibly breaking up was tearing my heart in two, but the way we were going, we'd end up not even being friends and that was just not acceptable.

We talked, we argued, I cried, Matthew sighed and when it was all over we'd finally communicated in a way we'd needed to be doing for months.

He was my best friend before we started dating, and in my inexperience, I expected him to somehow become 'more' when we became a couple. I'd loved him for just who he was before we got together, but when the friendship evolved into a relationship I thought somehow he should change.

Why? I can't really say. I know I sound like a broken record but not having ever been in a normal relationship has really put me at a huge disadvantage and growing up reading Danielle Steel novels has left a very unrealistic image in my head of what a relationship should be like.

And part of the problem was, he did change. He felt that I wanted 'more' from him and it left him feeling like I didn't think he was good enough. So he expended all of his energy trying to become what he thought I wanted from him, and in doing so lost the guy I fell in love with. The more he changed, the less I liked who he was, and the less happy I was the more he tried to change to make me happy. It became a viscous circle of me not being happy, him trying to make me happy, and his changes making me less happy, leaving him feeling more and more like he just wasn't enough, and the more he changed, the more I missed the person he was when we met. This was a monster I created and I didn't even know it.

On top of that we've both been under a great deal more stress the last several weeks than we usually are and without any other type of outlet, we ended up taking it out on each other. Money has been really really tight lately and you don't have to be a genius to know that financial issues are the number one killer of relationships. Add to that taking in the stray cat has left us with not only her, tracking food and litter everywhere, which drives this OCD clean freak insane, but four rambunctious kittens peeing and pooing every where but the litter box and draining finances even more with the increased need for food, litter and cleaning supplies. To make that worse, all of the shelters, kill and no-kill are full and we've had no luck finding new homes for them, so for the indefinite future we're stuck with 5 cats. And as someone who doesn't really like cats and hates fur and litter being everywhere, I can't even begin to tell you the stress that's brought me.

Being stressed, angry, hurt and generally frustrated for so long has taken a drastic tole on our levels of communication. When we first met we would sit and talk for hours about everything under the sun. Now, aside from niceties and required conversation we rarely speak to each other. And again, the mess I mentioned before has also had a lot to do with that.

Before Matthew and I decided to date we'd already planned on him moving in as a roommate. And even though I mean roommate in the literal sense of the word, it really was just going to be two friends living together. We were just going to happen to share a bed because my extra room was already occupied. That may sound odd but he'd already stayed the night a few times - as a friend - with nothing happening but sleeping and it worked great for us.

So we already lived together when we decided to start dating. Now I can imagine some of you going "Oh girl, that was your first mistake", but I don't think so. The real problem with living together and dating, was that the only other time I'd lived with a guy I was in a relationship with, we were engaged, and in every way but paper we lived as a married couple. So when Matthew and I decided to take our friendship to the next level I automatically slipped back into that role. I became Mollie Homemaker with someone who wasn't quite ready to make house.

To make an already long story short, we realized that we moved too fast. Matthew has never lived with anyone he was in a relationship with and I'd only lived with someone I was for all intents and purposes married to, and we didn't take the time to find a middle ground before getting together. So we're not breaking up, but we are backing off. Taking time to find a common ground for both of us where we're together but still living our own separate lives.

School starting back will help because I'll be gone from morning to late evening on days I have class, which will give Matthew some personal time, and help me not miss him so much when we're not together, because I won't be home sitting by myself while he's asleep in the next room. I'll also be doing personal training a few nights a week which will get me out of the house and give me some time to focus on me, which I don't do nearly enough.

It's strange, but once we talked everything through and realized what our problems were and what we needed to do to fix them the air around us just seemed to lighten and the happy couple we started out as found their way back. We spent the rest of the evening laughing and cutting up like we used to do. We were happy.

As for the "something is not right" feeling in my gut, it's abated and now my heart, head and gut are all filled with a warm happiness. What tomorrow will bring remains to be seen, but we know that we love each other and for today, that's enough.

The Half Way Mark

Today is my and Matthew's six month anniversary. We decided to try dating and see if we could evolve our friendship into something more back in January of this year, but it was on March 22nd that we officially decided to become a 'couple'.

I know normally anniversaries are counted in years rather than months, but as someone who's only had one previous boyfriend in her life, each month of being in a new loving committed relationship is a milestone. I told Matthew that we'd honor the day we became a couple each month until the 6th month, then we could move to yearly celebrations.

In light of my recent conundrum, the half-way mark has dual meanings. It marks six months into a loving healthy relationship, which is a first for me. It's also half way through the year I said I'd give us, give myself to figure out if being with Matthew is really what is right for us, for me.

When Matthew and I first met and started talking as friends, he was really good at giving me an unbiased outside view on my life. If I was stressed out about something he would give me his take on the situation and it usually helped me see things in a way I'd not previously been seeing, and it almost always helped me work through whatever issue I was dealing with. On the way home from Mississippi Saturday night I asked him if he thought he could possibly separate himself from our situation and be able to give me that same insight he did when we first met.

After taking a moment to think about he said yes, that he thought he could. So I asked him why he thought I was having such a hard time with deciding if we should be together or not, if we were together because what we had was 'right' rather than just comfortable.

In typical fashion before letting him answer I butted in and went on to tell him that I was afraid. What if I decided to stay together and spent the next 30 or 40 years loving him but always wishing things were a little bit more?. He is totally happy being together and my feeling that way would be completely unfair to both of us. What if I decided we should just be friends and then later realized that what we had was really what I'd wanted all along and it was too late to go back?

I'd talked to my mom the day before about how I was feeling and she asked me if other than the worrying about if he was 'the right one' or not was I happy, and if so then maybe I should just stop worrying about what I should or shouldn't do and just be happy now. I also shared this with Matthew.

He smiled and said "I think you just answered your own question. If you'd stop for a minute to think before asking, you'd realize that you usually already know the answer" What he asked me next took me aback a little. "Mollie, how much of your life has been happy?"

I just kind of snorted and cocked my eyebrow at him. My life didn't suck, but it hasn't really been that fantastic either. Looking back there are honestly very very few moments in my life that I can truly say were happy. I was a troubled child who hid feeling like an outsider by focusing on school and sports. I never had a close relationship with either of my parents and although we got along well, there was a large enough age gap between my siblings and I that we were never really on the same level. My brother and sister are 3 years apart and were always very close. They still are. I'm 7 years older than my sister and 10 yrs older than my brother so growing up I was more the baby sitter than best friend. I had a few friends in school, but always felt more the confidante than confider.

Matthew then went on to say that it could quite possibly be that worrying about him being the one or not isn't the problem at all, that the idea of being happy is what I'm having so much trouble with. As much as I want to be happy, being unhappy is where my comfort level is, it's what I'm used to, what I've always known. I've never really been truly happy and the idea that actually feeling like my life is finally OK, that I'm OK is out of the realm of possibility.

As with the article in my previous post that made the point that you can either have comfort or blazing passion, but very very rarely does anyone find both, I'd love to say his point made a light bulb of realization go off in my head, but all I feel is more confusion.

I'll fully admit that his theory has merit and is quite possibly part of the problem, just as I'll admit that my unwillingness to believe you have to concede passion for comfort is also a part, but even with those things being realized as issues there is still something else. Something I can't quite grasp hold of. Something that is stopping me from either letting myself go and enjoying what we have, or letting him go and us both move on.

Some people have told me - listen to your gut, it's always right. Some have said listen to your brain - it's more rational. Some have said - listen to your heart - it knows what you truly want. The problem is they all tell me something different.

My heart says - he loves me, and I love him. He treats me well and makes me happy. He makes me laugh and never fails to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am. It says you have passionate moments here and there, even if they're not quite what you'd like them to be. It says maybe those things can truly be enough, that being in love will come... eventually.

My head says - he's a good guy, he's got a steady job, he loves you for who you are. It says you got a good one, now stop being stupid and leave well enough alone. It says you were single for 24 years and spent 3 years being in love with an unstable ass and look what it got you. Then you were alone for 5 years before you finally got the balls to try and date. Do you really want to go through all that again? What if you screw this up and never find anyone who will love you the way he does, who will put up with your OCD issues and control freak crap?

My gut says - something isn't right.

So who do I listen to? Or do I listen to any of them at all?

I wish I knew, but I don't. What I do know is that I cry over this almost daily and something has got to give, and soon.

Hearing everything yet not listening to a word

Forward to 2:10 on the clip.



Lee: Do you understand the words that are a-coming out of my mouth?
Carter: Don't nobody understand the words that are comin' out of your mouth.

The clip is from Rush Hour 2. Jackie Chan's character Lee, is trying to explain something to Chris Rock's character Carter, and Carter is having a hard time understanding it. Lee thinks he is speaking clearly. He understands what he's trying to say, but his partner - even though he's hearing the words just doesn't understand what the message is.

I first titled the post Listening to Everything but not Hearing a Word but as I was planning what to write out in my head I realized that was a little backwards. Hearing is the primary function of the ear. Unless you are deaf you cannot help but to 'hear'. Listening on the other hand is a conscious action. It requires focus and intent.

Parents and children are prime examples. When we were kids, my sister and I took to calling our mom by her first name because when we called her mom she wouldn't answer. She'd be watching TV, or reading a book and we'd be like 'mom, mom, momm, MOMMM!' and nothing. But we could say her name one time and she'd answer. She 'heard' us say mom every time we said it, but it was just background noise. Like being at a ballgame and hearing that everyone around you is talking but not listening to what it is they are saying.

Last weekend Matthew and I got in a pretty big fight. I honestly don't remember how it started but the primary content was that at times we both feel like the other doesn't 'listen'. The next day we sat and talked about it and we're better and stronger than ever, but we realized that even though we can sit and talk for hours about nearly any topic under the sun, when it comes to feelings we both have a bit of trouble in the communication department.

He has a habit of not telling me when something bothers him and then when we argue about it he'll think he's mentioned it before, although I have no recollection of him talking to me about it. Sometimes I honestly just forget, but sometimes he'll think ' I need to tell Mollie such and such', and because he remembers thinking he needed to tell me he gets to thinking he actually did tell me even if he never actually got around to it. My sister does the same thing all the time. Didn't I text you about so and so? No? Oh.. well I must have just been thinking I Needed to text you, but never actually got around to it.

My problem is a bit more complicated. When it comes to feelings I can write all day and all night and express how I feel with ease. I can spout romantic, I can wax poetic, I can rant aggressiveness, you name it. If it comes to putting pen to paper, or type to screen as the case may be, I can talk about my feelings with my eyes closed and get my point across clearly and concisely.

But when it comes to actually verbalizing how I feel, the skill I seem to have with writing just doesn't transfer over. I can have what I want to say all planned out in my head. I'm going to tell him this, and how I feel about that, and how when he does this it makes me feel like so and so. Yet when I open my mouth the words rarely come out as intended. And the main problem with this is I think the words I speak match up perfectly with the thoughts in my head even though that is rarely the case. So when he says 'Mollie, you didn't say anything about that you said this' I get frustrated because I just know that I told him what I was thinking.

It's something we've realized is a problem and we're working on it, but it brings up some questions I'd like your thoughts on..


What do you do when you don't feel like someone is really 'listening' to you even though they truly believe they are and vice verse.

I make it a point to focus on Matthew when we're discussing something so I'm not only hearing the words he's speaking but I'm actively listening to what it is he's trying to say. And if I find myself distracted, which usually only happens on the phone, I'll tell him - Honey, I'm hearing what you're saying but it's just not sticking, can we talk about this another time so I can give you the attention you deserve?. This has proven to be a very successful way of making sure we really pay attention to each other when we need to talk about something important.

Feelings seems to be the only area of conversation where it isn't quite working.

Is it that neither of us are clearly expressing our 'feelings' or is it that both of us have preconceived ideas of what the other is going to say and that's what we really 'hear' instead of what is actually being said?

Matthew says I have a bad habit of assuming I know what he's going to say so when I answer him - I answer what I thought he said instead of what he actually did say. I totally concede that this is a possibility. He also concedes that he may actually think he's told me something but never actually got around to it. So we both know we have short comings, and we're working together to iron those out so we can better communicate when it comes to emotions. But I honestly doubt we're the only couple with these same issues. So...

What types of issues have you had with communicating with your partner/husband/wife/loved on?

Do you feel they don't really listen to you?

Do they feel you don't really listen to them?

Are you thinking one thing but really saying another?

And if you've overcome these problems how did you do it?

One thing we've decided to do is use a talking stick. They have one similar to the picture at Michael's that you can put together as a craft, but we'll most likely just use a wooden spoon from the kitchen. *The talking stick has been used for centuries by many American Indian tribes as a means of just and impartial hearing. It was commonly used in council circles to designate who had the right to speak. When matters of great concern came before the council, the leading elder would hold the talking stick and begin the discussion. When he finished what he had to say he would hold out the talking stick, and whoever wished to speak after him would take it. In this manner the stick was passed from one individual to another until all who wished to speak had done so. * Info courtecy of http://www.acaciart.com/

In other words - he who holds the stick gets to talk - he who doesn't needs to shut up and wait their turn. For two very intelligent verbally articulate people who love to make their point, it may turn out to be the most important use for a kitchen spoon ever.

There once was a girl...

...who went on a vacation. And it was wonderful.

Then it was over and she had to come back home. Which sucked.

But lucky for you she took a lot of pictures and has decided to share!

I am 33yrs old and up until April 23rd of this year, I had never been on a 'real' vacation. Growing up we did family reunion get togethers at state parks, but anyone who was once a kid knows that is more like torture than fun. Forced group activities with people you rarely see and sometimes barely know. Thanks, but I'm good.

Then I went to work for a company called ECAD, Inc and the empty place in my photo album where vacation memories go finally got a chance to be filled.

The first thing I have to say is that I work for the most incredible company on the planet. The owner of this company is one of the sweetest, most caring and kind women I've ever had the pleasure to meet. She also takes hella good care of her employees.

For the past 9 years there has been a 'Company' vacation. The only requirement to be able to go is that you have to have worked for the company for one year.

Company vacation?

That may not sound like your idea of fun, spending your vacation time with people you work with, but it's not quite what you'd expect.

Last year's vacation was in Cancun. The year before Cozumel, before that Playa Del Carmen. They've been to the Bahama's, Hawaii, on cruises.. Still thinking a vacation with your co-workers sounds like a drag? lol

I hadn't been here quite a year yet when the Cancun trip came around so I didn't get to go. This year's vacation was in Puerto Vallarta. I went.

4 nights, 5 days all, and other than some shopping and activity money, I do mean ALL expense paid vacation to an All Inclusive Luxury Resort.

Starting to sound better?

We flew out Thursday morning at the butt-crack of dawn and got to Mexico just after noon and flew back home Monday morning. Saturday evening there was an awards dinner and late Sunday afternoon there were a few hours of 'company' activities that required attendance but other than that, all the rest of the time is yours to do with as you choose.

OK enough about that - and yes, I know you wish you had my job - let's move onto the pictures!!

You can go to my Myspace and click the Puerto Vallarta photo album to view all of the pictures from our trip on a larger scale.

Every year someone comes up with a slogan for the trip and everyone gets a t-shirt. Here is this year's.

Here are a few shots from the plane on our way to Mexico.
Sunrise at 13,000 feet


Ice crystals on the plane window


Once we arrived in Mexico we piled in a bus for the twenty minute drive to our hotel.

The people that work for this company are serious drinkers so of course we had to stop by a Corona plant. The guy in the middle? That's Ramone - our guide. Don't forget to rrrrollll your rrrrrrrs.

Welcome to the Riu Palace Pacifico! We were greeted with glasses of fruit punch when we got there. This was not just any regular fruit punch, it tasted fresh squeezed and was delish!

The view from the deck just outside the lobby and the pool.

The view from our room, Matthew posing and us, chilling on the balcony listening to the ocean.

Check in was at 3 and we got there early so we decided to talk a walk along the beach while we waited for our room to be ready.

The view of the hotel from the beach, and our footprints in the sand

Early Friday morning we went on a Kon-Tiki tour where we sailed around the bay, stopped at an island for snorkeling, visited a small village and hiked a mountain to a waterfall.

Except for about 3 hours we spent hiking to the waterfall we sunned on the top of that boat from 9am to around 6pm. We got a LOT of sun. Which wouldn't have been so bad except we left our sunscreen at the hotel. Ack!

We got a chance to go snorkeling at a small island.
I couldn't stand the mask on my face but Matthew had a blast. Flippers are so sexy.

I stayed on the boat taking pictures

Me, pretty fish & the island cave they snorkeled through

The village

We hiked across two 'rivers', up 70 degree inclines, up a rock staircase and across a rickety bridge to get to the waterfall

I thought I was going to die. Matthew had to at times literally push me up the mountain.

But once we got there it was so worth it!

Nooo silly, that's not the waterfall......

This is

Matthew jumped in and played under the waterfall. I was too tired to do anything but sit on the rocks and watch the fish. Plus the water was ice cold and I knew hiking back down the mountain in wet clothes wouldn't be fun!

By the time we got back to the boat we were pretty pooped. Not quite as tired as some people though.

Then the guides on the boat decided it was time for some fun and games.
We danced to the YMCA and I found out I have the whitest boyfriend on the planet. We also played a game that somehow ended up using my bra as a prop.


I'd taken my bra off earlier in the morning to put my swimsuit on and put it in our bag. Funny how it somehow managed to find it's way atop one of the guide's head.


Our fabulous guides!


We'd met two lovely ladies on the boat that we sort of befriended. Mother and daughter - Anna & Linda. They did not speak one word of English, but we still managed to communicate. When we got back to the marina the 'Pirate Ship' tour was just pulling out


Even though we ended up borrowing sunscreen from someone on the boat, we'd already been baking for about 3 hours and knew some burning was inevitable so we walked to the mall to get some after frying sun lotion with lidocain. It didn't work, the lidocain that is. We were in hella pain that night lol.


There were 4 restaurants at the hotel, but the buffet was so good we ended up eating from it the whole time. Plus the weather was so incredible we wanted to eat outside. They always had everything set up so pretty.


Saturday afternoon we took a cab to Bucerias, a village about 2 miles up the beach from the hotel. The main part of the village was like one giant flea market. Matthew bartered the guy in the middle from 450 to 135 pesos for a silver ring. From about $37 to about $11!

There was so much color everywhere. Everything just seemed bright and festive.

After about an hour of window shopping we decided to walk down the beach back to the hotel. Like hiking a mountain hadn't been enough exercise!

We passed some tourists who's grandkids had buried them quite literally up to their necks in sand and some kids waiting for a good wave to surf.

Saturday evening we had the company awards dinner. They took 'official' vacation pictures of everyone then we ate dinner out on the veranda while the sunset over the beach.

We'd been so busy doing other fun stuff that we hadn't had a chance to check out the pool yet so Sunday morning we ordered room service for breakfast, slathered ourselves with sunscreen and headed down for a swim.

Sunday afternoon was the other company required event. It turned out to be an ECAD version of Survivor. In light of our extreme sunburns we opted to be voted out after the first game and then sat on a grassy hill in the shade watching the rest of the fun.


Then bright and early Monday (5:30am) morning headed to the airport to come back home.

Bye bye Mexico.

Bye Bye Mountains

Bye Bye scariest damn flight I've ever been on!

The last leg of the flight from Houston to Mobile had some SERIOUS turbulance!!

Sunburns aside, it was a fabulous vacation and we had an absolutely fantastic time. Being lulled to sleep by the sound of the ocean drifting in through our open balcony door was something I will never forget.

Something else I won't forget?

Sunscreen for next years trip!!