Moving Forward by Taking a Step Back

Sometimes a sign of trouble in paradise is really just a
speed bump reminding you to slow down and enjoy the ride. ~Me

Yesterday Matthew and I reached a breaking point.

He'd called me like he does every morning so I can talk him through the drive home from work. He works nights and is often fairly exhausted by the time he gets off around 8:30am, so talking gives him something to focus on so he doesn't nod off while driving.

That call, like most conversations we've had the last few weeks ended up in an argument. It was silly and stupid and over nothing of any importance, which is why it was so upsetting to me. After ten minutes of trying to steer the conversation back to calmer ground I gave in and hung up on him. Sitting at my desk, crying, I realized that the time may have come to make a decision I'd been dreading for weeks, the decision that we really were just not meant to be together, that being in a relationship was killing the beautiful friendship we used to have.

I sent him a text and asked him to please not go to bed yet, that as soon as I finished up some work I was coming home. We needed to talk. He said OK. My boss had stepped out of the office so I dropped him a quick e-mail saying I had an emergency at home and had to go. Not entirely true, but not completely false either. The rest of my life was about to change and that seemed pretty important to me.

During my drive home I thought of all the things Matthew had brought to my life, all the changes I'd made as a person as a result of knowing him. I thought of what it meant to be with him, and what it would mean to be without him and as bad as things had been lately the thought of not having him in my life just took my breath away.

I got home, went into our room and sat on the bed. I'd cried all the way home and was still crying once I got there. He came in and sat next to me and for the next ten minutes that's all we did. Then he pulled me into his arms and I fell apart.

Through sobs and hiccoughs, I told him that as much as I loved him and knew he loved me something had to change. I told him that I thought that it might be best if we went back to just being friends, but I was too selfish to make that decision for us. I told him that having him in my life was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but lately all we did was argue and I just couldn't live that way anymore. I told him that where we once communicated so well, now we could hardly even talk without arguing. I told him that the thought us possibly breaking up was tearing my heart in two, but the way we were going, we'd end up not even being friends and that was just not acceptable.

We talked, we argued, I cried, Matthew sighed and when it was all over we'd finally communicated in a way we'd needed to be doing for months.

He was my best friend before we started dating, and in my inexperience, I expected him to somehow become 'more' when we became a couple. I'd loved him for just who he was before we got together, but when the friendship evolved into a relationship I thought somehow he should change.

Why? I can't really say. I know I sound like a broken record but not having ever been in a normal relationship has really put me at a huge disadvantage and growing up reading Danielle Steel novels has left a very unrealistic image in my head of what a relationship should be like.

And part of the problem was, he did change. He felt that I wanted 'more' from him and it left him feeling like I didn't think he was good enough. So he expended all of his energy trying to become what he thought I wanted from him, and in doing so lost the guy I fell in love with. The more he changed, the less I liked who he was, and the less happy I was the more he tried to change to make me happy. It became a viscous circle of me not being happy, him trying to make me happy, and his changes making me less happy, leaving him feeling more and more like he just wasn't enough, and the more he changed, the more I missed the person he was when we met. This was a monster I created and I didn't even know it.

On top of that we've both been under a great deal more stress the last several weeks than we usually are and without any other type of outlet, we ended up taking it out on each other. Money has been really really tight lately and you don't have to be a genius to know that financial issues are the number one killer of relationships. Add to that taking in the stray cat has left us with not only her, tracking food and litter everywhere, which drives this OCD clean freak insane, but four rambunctious kittens peeing and pooing every where but the litter box and draining finances even more with the increased need for food, litter and cleaning supplies. To make that worse, all of the shelters, kill and no-kill are full and we've had no luck finding new homes for them, so for the indefinite future we're stuck with 5 cats. And as someone who doesn't really like cats and hates fur and litter being everywhere, I can't even begin to tell you the stress that's brought me.

Being stressed, angry, hurt and generally frustrated for so long has taken a drastic tole on our levels of communication. When we first met we would sit and talk for hours about everything under the sun. Now, aside from niceties and required conversation we rarely speak to each other. And again, the mess I mentioned before has also had a lot to do with that.

Before Matthew and I decided to date we'd already planned on him moving in as a roommate. And even though I mean roommate in the literal sense of the word, it really was just going to be two friends living together. We were just going to happen to share a bed because my extra room was already occupied. That may sound odd but he'd already stayed the night a few times - as a friend - with nothing happening but sleeping and it worked great for us.

So we already lived together when we decided to start dating. Now I can imagine some of you going "Oh girl, that was your first mistake", but I don't think so. The real problem with living together and dating, was that the only other time I'd lived with a guy I was in a relationship with, we were engaged, and in every way but paper we lived as a married couple. So when Matthew and I decided to take our friendship to the next level I automatically slipped back into that role. I became Mollie Homemaker with someone who wasn't quite ready to make house.

To make an already long story short, we realized that we moved too fast. Matthew has never lived with anyone he was in a relationship with and I'd only lived with someone I was for all intents and purposes married to, and we didn't take the time to find a middle ground before getting together. So we're not breaking up, but we are backing off. Taking time to find a common ground for both of us where we're together but still living our own separate lives.

School starting back will help because I'll be gone from morning to late evening on days I have class, which will give Matthew some personal time, and help me not miss him so much when we're not together, because I won't be home sitting by myself while he's asleep in the next room. I'll also be doing personal training a few nights a week which will get me out of the house and give me some time to focus on me, which I don't do nearly enough.

It's strange, but once we talked everything through and realized what our problems were and what we needed to do to fix them the air around us just seemed to lighten and the happy couple we started out as found their way back. We spent the rest of the evening laughing and cutting up like we used to do. We were happy.

As for the "something is not right" feeling in my gut, it's abated and now my heart, head and gut are all filled with a warm happiness. What tomorrow will bring remains to be seen, but we know that we love each other and for today, that's enough.

Manage My Muffin Top Monday

Not much new to report on the fight to banish my back fat. I've not lost any more weight lately, nor have I gained it. I've also not really been following any type of eating plan or fitness regime in quite a while.

I did begin eating all raw foods at the beginning of September but finances have been really tight lately and eating pretty much nothing but fruits and veggies can get really really expensive so Matthew and I are thinking maybe the best thing for us right now is to focus on a primarily vegetarian diet and incorporate as many fruits and vegetable as we can.

The main difference with this is, we'll be able to buy a box of whole grain pasta, some marinara, and veggie crumbles that will make an entire "cooked" dinner and have left overs for lunch the next day for less than $10, verses spending $20 on lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc that will only make about one meal for each of us.

I am also going to be starting work with a personal trainer soon, so hopefully that will kick start my butt back into a regular and continuous exercise routine that I'll stick with for years to come.

I know that even with Hypothyroid and PCOS, which both cause me to put on weight really easily, exercising WILL work to take the weight off. It takes time and comes off slowly but it does come off. I just have to dig deep and find the discipline to drag my ass off the couch, but I have faith that having someone else to push me will be just the kick in the tush I need.

So look forward to more exciting and productive updates to come.. along with some probable cursing and complaining about being made to work out when I'd rather sit on the sofa and watch Smallville.

Until next time...

Eat healthy and be happy!

The Half Way Mark

Today is my and Matthew's six month anniversary. We decided to try dating and see if we could evolve our friendship into something more back in January of this year, but it was on March 22nd that we officially decided to become a 'couple'.

I know normally anniversaries are counted in years rather than months, but as someone who's only had one previous boyfriend in her life, each month of being in a new loving committed relationship is a milestone. I told Matthew that we'd honor the day we became a couple each month until the 6th month, then we could move to yearly celebrations.

In light of my recent conundrum, the half-way mark has dual meanings. It marks six months into a loving healthy relationship, which is a first for me. It's also half way through the year I said I'd give us, give myself to figure out if being with Matthew is really what is right for us, for me.

When Matthew and I first met and started talking as friends, he was really good at giving me an unbiased outside view on my life. If I was stressed out about something he would give me his take on the situation and it usually helped me see things in a way I'd not previously been seeing, and it almost always helped me work through whatever issue I was dealing with. On the way home from Mississippi Saturday night I asked him if he thought he could possibly separate himself from our situation and be able to give me that same insight he did when we first met.

After taking a moment to think about he said yes, that he thought he could. So I asked him why he thought I was having such a hard time with deciding if we should be together or not, if we were together because what we had was 'right' rather than just comfortable.

In typical fashion before letting him answer I butted in and went on to tell him that I was afraid. What if I decided to stay together and spent the next 30 or 40 years loving him but always wishing things were a little bit more?. He is totally happy being together and my feeling that way would be completely unfair to both of us. What if I decided we should just be friends and then later realized that what we had was really what I'd wanted all along and it was too late to go back?

I'd talked to my mom the day before about how I was feeling and she asked me if other than the worrying about if he was 'the right one' or not was I happy, and if so then maybe I should just stop worrying about what I should or shouldn't do and just be happy now. I also shared this with Matthew.

He smiled and said "I think you just answered your own question. If you'd stop for a minute to think before asking, you'd realize that you usually already know the answer" What he asked me next took me aback a little. "Mollie, how much of your life has been happy?"

I just kind of snorted and cocked my eyebrow at him. My life didn't suck, but it hasn't really been that fantastic either. Looking back there are honestly very very few moments in my life that I can truly say were happy. I was a troubled child who hid feeling like an outsider by focusing on school and sports. I never had a close relationship with either of my parents and although we got along well, there was a large enough age gap between my siblings and I that we were never really on the same level. My brother and sister are 3 years apart and were always very close. They still are. I'm 7 years older than my sister and 10 yrs older than my brother so growing up I was more the baby sitter than best friend. I had a few friends in school, but always felt more the confidante than confider.

Matthew then went on to say that it could quite possibly be that worrying about him being the one or not isn't the problem at all, that the idea of being happy is what I'm having so much trouble with. As much as I want to be happy, being unhappy is where my comfort level is, it's what I'm used to, what I've always known. I've never really been truly happy and the idea that actually feeling like my life is finally OK, that I'm OK is out of the realm of possibility.

As with the article in my previous post that made the point that you can either have comfort or blazing passion, but very very rarely does anyone find both, I'd love to say his point made a light bulb of realization go off in my head, but all I feel is more confusion.

I'll fully admit that his theory has merit and is quite possibly part of the problem, just as I'll admit that my unwillingness to believe you have to concede passion for comfort is also a part, but even with those things being realized as issues there is still something else. Something I can't quite grasp hold of. Something that is stopping me from either letting myself go and enjoying what we have, or letting him go and us both move on.

Some people have told me - listen to your gut, it's always right. Some have said listen to your brain - it's more rational. Some have said - listen to your heart - it knows what you truly want. The problem is they all tell me something different.

My heart says - he loves me, and I love him. He treats me well and makes me happy. He makes me laugh and never fails to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am. It says you have passionate moments here and there, even if they're not quite what you'd like them to be. It says maybe those things can truly be enough, that being in love will come... eventually.

My head says - he's a good guy, he's got a steady job, he loves you for who you are. It says you got a good one, now stop being stupid and leave well enough alone. It says you were single for 24 years and spent 3 years being in love with an unstable ass and look what it got you. Then you were alone for 5 years before you finally got the balls to try and date. Do you really want to go through all that again? What if you screw this up and never find anyone who will love you the way he does, who will put up with your OCD issues and control freak crap?

My gut says - something isn't right.

So who do I listen to? Or do I listen to any of them at all?

I wish I knew, but I don't. What I do know is that I cry over this almost daily and something has got to give, and soon.

Manage My Muffin Top Monday

Saturday Matthew and I went to MS to spend the day visiting with my nieces and get a fitting from my mom for our costumes for the Renaissance Faire in November.

We ate pizza at my sisters.

We ate McDonald's on the drive home back to Mobile.

I think you can see where this is going.

We're doing a fine balancing act between eating really healthy, and eating really un-healthy. We've not completely fallen off the wagon, but we can't seem to get back completely on it either.

Maybe this, just like everything else in my life, is something I need to try and find balance in. Being obsessive compulsive means things usually have to be all or nothing for me, but I'm finding that life rarely works that way and some times.... whether you like it or not.... you have to live in shades of grey.