Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A good day for a holiday

Today is February 24, 2009

Some national holidays that are celebrated today are ...

Fastnachts Day
Pancake Day
Mardi Gras
Shrove Tuesday
Paczki Day

oh yea and we can't forget Spa Day

Well I propose that we make today a different kind of holiday.

I propose that today be Power of Positive Thinking Day. And not just today - I say we make EVERY DAY a power of positive thinking holiday.

You may be wondering what prompted such an idea?

Or then again you may not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. :-)

After I got to work this morning I signed on to Twitter and was catching up on the past few hours of tweets and noticed what seemed like an overwhelming amount of negative messages. A lot of anger, bitterness, and just general negativity and ugliness across the board and reading it really put a sour taste in my mouth.

This may come as a surprise to some because I've been known to be quite the 'Debbie Downer' myself on the rare occasion, (not to be connected to a movie starting by the same name or any similar sounding activity that may occur in said movie - pervs) er OK so more the rare occasion. For a good part of the last several years I will concede that I've been fairly foul of mood and disposition. Not all the time, it's one of those 'it comes and goes' things. All upbeat and Suzy Sunshine for a day or two, followed by a few weeks of quite literally a Moping Mollie.

But there's been a change in my life lately, for the better, another thing I owe to The Editor. I suppose since I've introduced Matthew in a previous post I could start calling him by name, but he's been The Editor for so long it just kind of sticks with me lol. Anyway...

If you've read any of my blog then you may have come to the conclusion that I've not always been the happiest of gals. I've spent the majority of my life with what psychologists like to call a 'victim mentality'. No one likes me, no one gets me, why can't I ever be understood, I just want to be loved for who I am... etc and so on.

Typing it out now makes me want to cringe. I honestly wonder how the people in my life who've hung around managed to put up with me. The funny thing is - I never noticed I was that way.. until someone DID love me for who I am and cared enough to point it out. Not that it hadn't been pointed out before, but the difference in those people and Matthew is that he didn't just tell me how negative I was, or how pathetic, or how this or how that - he showed me the way I was being - with love, then gave me the tools to do something about it.

I've recently started reading a book called 'Soul Psychology: Keys to Ascension‎' by Joshua David Stone and I can already tell you now - it is going to CHANGE MY LIFE.

Here is an excerpt...

The basic function of the subconscious mind is to store information. It is the storehouse and memory bank of all your thoughts, feelings, imaginings, habit patterns, impulses and desires. From the time you were a little infant, you have been receiving programs from your parents, grandparents, peers, teachers, ministers, extended family and television programs. When you are a child, your reasoning mind has not developed enough to be able to discriminate and thereby protect you from negative programming. As a child, you are totally open, so your subconscious mind can be filled with mental poisons, faulty thinking and faulty beliefs. Just as the body can be filled with physical toxins from poor eating, the subconscious is filled with mental toxins from negative programming and education.

So every time your parents told scolded you and said that you were bad, or they were disappointed in you, or your teacher told you that you didn't do well enough, or a tv program showed someone being abused, or mistreated or spoken to in a negative way your subconscious was being programmed with those thoughts. You were being 'built' to think a certain way.

For me, I never felt good enough. I never felt like anything I did or who I was quite measured up or was worthy of love or acceptance. My birth father didn't want me, my mother was more interested in watching Dynasty and Falcon Crest than spending quality time with me, my step-dad worked all the time and was never home. I was a straight A student, excelled at everything I did, didn't smoke, drink, fornicate, or do any of the other stuff every other kid I knew was doing and still I felt like it wasn't enough. My little brother and sister did everything that I didn't do and it still seemed like they were the preferred children. I never felt like I was loved, like I was good enough. I felt alone.

Well one of the things (the main thing) that Matthew has been so emphatic about telling me and trying to make sure that I really understand is that I don't have to DO anything to be loved. He loves me because I'm worthy of love, just as I am. I am a child of God - I was created to be loved. That's it. I didn't have to do anything, or be anything to qualify myself to be loved by him. I was born being more than enough. I don't have to excel at this, or be successful at that. I don't have to weigh a certain amount, or look a certain way for him to love me. He Just Does.

What I've realized is that the reason it is so hard for me to accept the kind of love he gives me is because.. well I don't give that kind of love to myself. If I don't think I'm enough then how will I ever believe anyone else thinks I am. I won't. I can't. I find myself all the time asking him - do you really love me? Why do you love me? How can you treat me so good when I'm so messed up? And until recently I didn't realize that it's my own negative thinking about myself that has shaped pretty much my entire life and every relationship I've had - those with my family, friends, and the few romantic relationships that I've had. He doesn't think I'm messed up, or fat, or not pretty enough, or not smart enough, or not experienced enough in relationships. He doesn't think any of those things about me - I do.

Self doubt. This is a HUGE thing that I'd not hesitate to say the majority of people deal with. And most of them don't even know it. I didn't. I didn't think that "I" thought I wasn't good enough - I thought other people didn't. I thought - well everyone in my life leaves me, no one sticks around, they all find fault in something I do, some way I act - something about ME isn't good enough, or right enough for them and they leave. I put my worth in the eyes of others. I put my value in the hands of someone else. I was giving the power of Who I AM away.

One of the things I'm learning from this book is that we too often put our value in things we have or do instead of who we are.

I have a body, but I am not my body.
I have emotions, but my emotions do not make up who I am.
I have a mind, but I am not my mind.

These are all things that I HAVE - but they are not WHO I AM. So if my body gets a little fat, or flabby, or out of shape - it doesn't change WHO I AM. If I get over emotional and have a moment of hysterics - that is not WHO I AM. If my mind goes into over-analyze mode and tries to pick apart every little bit of something that was said to me - it doesn't have to control me because it is not WHO I AM. And none of those things detract from my value or my self-worth, none of them make me any less deserving of love.

I AM a child of God, created in His image and likeness so how can I be anything less than worthy? God IS Love, so how can I be anything but loved?



And so are YOU.

For the longest time I've had this little print out on the mirror in my bathroom. It's a few sentences that say something like "I love you, I appreciate you, I forgive you for any mistakes. Today is a new day, the past is gone. I will respect myself etc.." For a while I read it every morning when I got ready for work. Then I just stopped. I don't think it would have mattered at the time though if I'd read it twenty times a day because internally, in my heart, my mind, my soul, I didn't really believe anything it said. I mean I read it, I kind of believed it was true, but I didn't really KNOW it was. That is changing...

I sort of went off on a tangent there but the point is - negative thinking effects us. Our negative thinking, other's negative thinking, negative broadcasting on the television and radio, it all imprints on our subconscious. Now I'm not saying to only watch only positive programs. Heck I'm not sure if you ruled out all negativity there would be anything left TO watch. Even positive programs and music sometimes miss the mark and send faulty messages.

I listen to a Christian Contemporary station and I was listening to a song on the radio this morning and all of a sudden heard it in a new way.

The chorus is

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

Now most of you will see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Look again...

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue

That statement puts us in a place of being a victim, in a place of needing rescuing. God gave us everything we will ever need to accomplish anything that will ever come our way. We do not need to be rescued.

In John 14:12 Jesus Himself says "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."


We have the power to perform miracles, healings, and wonders - but the world, the church, our family, friends, all of these outside influences have programmed us to believe we need help, that we are frail, weak, worthless beings incapable of doing anything on our own - and we BELIEVE IT.

We are negatively thinking ourselves and our world into the grave.

So my proposal -

For one entire day - check yourself. Every thought you have, check it. Stop for a second and ask yourself - Is this going to benefit myself or someone else? Is this going to uplift me or those around me? Is this going to encourage and empower me or anyone else? If not - DON'T SAY IT!

You'll be surprised at how often you'll end up not saying something you'd planned on saying, or not reacting in a way you'd not have given a thought to before. And once you start realizing how much negativity you pour into your own life, you'll begin to see that it's not only you that you're hurting. Then you'll start to see the negativity in others - and you can at that point consciously choose to NOT let their negativity effect you. You can HEAR what someone says, but you can CHOOSE not to be affected negatively by it and before you know it you'll find yourself having a whole new attitude and outlook on life! So here's to The Power of Positive Thinking Day!

Now get out there and BE POSITIVE!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

A rose by any other name...

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

I've been trying to avoid blogging about this particular issue for a while now. One, I think that it doesn't matter how I try to explain it, it's still not going to make sense to anyone but The Editor and me, and two - well because I don't really want it to be this way. But it seems the universe has decided it's time to suck it up and get to writing so here goes...

I got this friend request on Myspace today - this is a picture of the screen I took with my phone - and yes it is real.

Aside from the terrible spelling and the fact that well - the guy is just not my type, the main thing some of you may find wrong with this picture is the part that says (or attempts to say) 'I am single too'. This would be wrong because for ol' Zachary there to be single too, it would seemingly insinuate that I am single as well, and if you've been keeping up with my life as of late you'd know that wasn't true.

Or is it?

Talking to someone, dating, seeing each other, exclusive, boyfriend & girlfriend...

These are all labels applied to the process that is starting and or being in a relationship. From the sound of how things are between The Editor and I, it would be a natural progression to assume that I would fall into one of the last three categories.

So why would this guy think I was single?

Most likely because my Myspace profile says I am, as does my Facebook.

Why, if I am in such a wonderful loving relationship with an incredible guy who treats me better than I ever imagined possible would I not say so? Why would I not go into my account settings and click the little box that says 'in a relationship' instead of leaving the box that says single checked? Why wouldn't Matthew do the same?

Because although for all intents, purposes and appearances what The Editor and I have is a loving committed relationship we are in fact not 'together'.

We aren't seeing anyone else, he stays the night, has a key to my place, we call each other baby and honey, he throws my clothes in with his when he does his laundry at my place on our regularly scheduled dinner and movie night, we love each other (love, not IN love) and if asked out or approached by someone both he and I will say that we are talking to or seeing someone, but we are not 'boyfriend & girlfriend', we are not a 'couple'.


The why is another post for another day, but I will at least give you this much, there are circumstances and future events to come that have led us both to believe that allowing ourselves to just fall willy nilly head over heels in love with each other would not be the best thing for either of us. But we do have 'romantic feelings' for one another, we do care for each other, we do in fact love one another very much, so why not just be together? Again.. another post for another day.

But as Juliet said...

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

So seeing each other, dating, in a relationship, boyfriend & girlfriend... regardless of the label attached to what we have, he and I both know it is very special.. and very very real.

Not for little ears...

A 5 year old's first job

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Monday, February 09, 2009

When I was a kid.....

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears, with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.

When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning

... Uphill...

.... in the snow....

.... BOTH ways....

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!

...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!

When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders', 'Q-bert' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote control!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!

You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.

Do you Hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

If we wanted Popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.

You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

The over 30 Crowd

Thursday, February 05, 2009

For every girl...

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

With a little bit of glue & a whole lot of love....

This used to be me....

then I met
The Editor.

A month ago today I blogged about taking a chance and seeing if my friendship with The Editor could possibly become something more. Today I can tell you that it could, it did, it has, and it was without a doubt the absolute best chance I've ever taken in my life.

I had my first case of puppy love in the 5th grade. His name was Michael Shea. I was madly in crush with him for our whole 5th grade year and when he moved away I was devastated. He'd been living with his grandparents while his parents got settled at the new location his dad had been stationed. My grandparents lived across the street and I remember sitting in the living room at my grandma's house the day he left listening to Bon Jovi's 'Never Say Goodbye' over and over on cassette tape, crying my little 10yr old heart out. I found Michael on Myspace last year. He's still cute as can be, and his new wife is pretty hot as well. Turns out he never knew I had a crush on him lol.

In junior high and high school I had a crush on a couple of different guys, but I was the quiet girl with good grades and I'd have died a thousand slow deaths before letting them know I liked them. The guy I had a thing for my 11th and 12th grade year had a brief
cameo in one of my blogs a while back. Turns out he always thought I was cute and remembers checking out my boobs a lot (how nice), but was hung up on an on-again/off-again girlfriend and was never brave enough to ask me out. Or so he says..

Fast forward to February 1999. This is when I met the guy who would be my first. I was 23. Our 'relationship' was short lived, but we are still friends today and he calls me fairly often.

In April of the following year, I met
Lazeras - the guy who would become my fiance - twice - and totally consume my life for the next 3 years. To understand some of how I got to be where I am now, you'd need to read the story of Lazeras - but to summarize so we can continue on here - he manipulated and abused me in basically every way possible; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. When I finally realized that I was a shell of the woman I used to be and ended things for good in April of 2003, the damage that had been done was extensive.

The next five years were basically a self imposed isolation from the world. No dating, no real friendships, minimal contact with family, co-workers and acquaintances - just work and sleep. I convinced myself that I was OK, I'd moved on, I'd healed and that the jagged bloody wounds he'd left on my heart and soul had long since scabbed up and were just faint scars of memory.

Zoom to September 2008.


PT was a guy I met online shortly after I finally decided to come out of hiding and see, for the first time in my life, what the dating game was all about. PT was everything I'd ever imagined finding in 'the perfect guy'. Only it turned out that those qualities, while real, were very thinly veiling a guy with issues nearly as deep as my own. PT showed me that I could feel again. He also showed me I was still very capable of being hurt.

The Editor -

I met The Editor around the same time I met PT, through the same dating site actually. The Editor was one of those guys who seemed really sweet and a potential friend, but just didn't 'make the cut' as someone I thought I'd be interested in 'dating'. Ok, Ok.. so I was wrong. It happens. Rarely, but it does happen.

The beginning of January saw me closing final doors with PT and wondering about doors that weren't yet open with The Editor. I was conflicted about this - I mean I wasn't attracted to him 'like that'. He was sweet and funny and we had a good time together the few times we'd hung out but I just didn't see him as someone who could be more. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling though that I might be missing something about him so one day I broached the subject about 'seeing' each other and we decided to give it a go.

The first time we hung back out after the conversation was sooo awkward. Here I was with this guy who I'd never seen as anything more than a friend and all of a sudden I'm noticing how nice his lips are, and what a cute butt he has and wondering if - ok, how much - I'd freak out if he tried to kiss me. We met at the mall during his dinner break from work and ate, then sat in the car for half an hour and just talked. The whole time I'm thinking - man he has nice lips - I wonder how they feel, and it turns out he was - well - having similar thoughts. :)

Since then we've gotten closer than I've ever been with another human being. Because we work opposite shifts we've had to come up with a schedule to see each other. We have a regular 'date night' on one of his regular evenings off - we chill at my apartment and have dinner, then cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or TV. He has regular 'sleep over' nights when he comes over after he gets off work and stays the night - and wrapped in each other's arms we do exactly that - sleep.

He... there is so much this man has done for me that I'm not even sure I have the words to explain it all. Because of him I'm learning who I really am, I'm gaining control over my emotions, my thoughts, my life, my SELF. I'm learning to work through my feelings instead of giving in to them. I'm learning to force positive thoughts instead of melting down at the slightest sign of things becoming unorganized in my life. I'm finding out for the first time in my life what it is to be really, truly, wholly, unconditionally LOVED. And it is phenomenal.

He gives me more than I've ever imagined possible but at the same time he knows when and how to stand firm with me. When I'm melting down and falling into a pit of despair and pity he refuses to, and I'm quoting him - 'coddle' me. He addresses the root of the issue, shows compassion and love for that, but when I decide it's not enough and I want to cry and scream and rage against the world he walks away and leaves me to deal with myself. He makes me face myself and DEAL with ME. And he does it in a way that leaves me feeling nothing but love from him. No judgment, no blame, no disdain, no pity. Just love - complete all-encompassing love. He understands my 'issues' from past experiences, but he doesn't allow me to use them as excuses anymore.

I've spent my entire life thinking I was broken, that there was just something wrong with me. I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, and honestly can't pin point a time in my life when I've been truly deeply happy and at peace. Sure there have been good moments here and there, but they've been shallow moments of joy - always covering a much deeper feeling of immense internal despair. I've tried and tried to force happiness in myself. I've tried to 'fake it until I make it' in seeing life with hope and positivity and to be totally honest the 'make it' part has never really 'made it'.

I can remember back as young as 3yrs of age feeling alone, unloved, different, set apart, not understood. I'd become resigned to the fact that I was just not like other people - that maybe I wasn't able to really be happy. I'd also gotten pretty good at faking it - at least I thought so.

But since taking the chance to let things become 'more than friends' with The Editor all of that has changed. I'm taking an active role in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my future. I have true hope that I can be in control of my feelings instead of a victim to them. I feel stronger, more confident, more motivated and eager to improve my life and myself as a person.

I'm not saying everything is all better, or that all of my problems and issues have suddenly gone away over night - not at all. There are still many many 'switches' I have to flip in the long hallway of things in my life that need addressing, but for the first time in - ever - I have the belief that things can change - that they can be better - that I can be better, and I owe that to him. And the most amazing thing is - these change aren't taking place because I want to be a better person for him - they're happening because I truly want to be a better person for ME.

You may not know it, but if you've been following my blog lately you've already met him in the post about my latest tattoo- but I think it's time for a formal introduction.

Ladies and gentleman I give you the first man in my life to ever really truly show me love and NOTHING BUT LOVE.

The Editor - heretofore known as...


and yea.... I <3>

Monday, February 02, 2009

Pot-TEA for two

I've been an awful blogger lately - not because there's been nothing to talk about but because I've just been so happy with life that I haven't wanted to take time away from it (and The Editor) to blog, but I promise I'll be back soon with stories and funny anectodes about all the thrilling and fantasticness that is my life -

until then.. here's a little humor to tide you over =)

Note - this is a story someone sent me - no idea who it's actually about

Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"