And now for... The Rest of the Story

Yesterday's post was the last of the Mind Ripper Story. At least the last of what I'd written about. I wrote that last part in June of 2001.

In July of 2001 I moved back to Michigan. Prior to breaking up we had agreed that he'd go back to Michigan, find a job, get a place and I'd follow him once my lease was up in the apartment where I was living. I'd already given notice at my job and turned in notice to the apartment that I was moving before he met someone and decided he didn't love me anymore.

Not one to let a silly thing like a new girlfriend stand in the way of what I believed was fate, I moved anyway.

We did end up back together. He asked me to marry him again and I didn't say yes so much as I just didn't say no. I remember when he took me back to his mom's to tell her he'd proposed (again) that I had this feeling like, am I really doing this? She smiled and said all the appropriate comments. "You must really love her son, you keep going back to her". Psh

He moved in with me. And that was the beginning of the end. The real end.

One night in April 2003 my phone rang. It was about 1:30 in the morning. I'm in bed sleeping, he's in the computer room online - chatting. I go in and ask him who the hell is calling my house at 2am and he says "It's this girl, I gave her your number".

I'm sorry.. you what?

He explained that he had told her to call and had invited her to come hang out. At my house.

Again.. I'm sorry.. you WHAT?!?

He tried to play it off like, "what? We can't have new friends? She's just coming over to hang out with us".

Us huh? I'd been asleep when the phone rang and was pretty damn sure I wasn't interested in "hanging out" with anyone at that particular hour, much less some Internet chic.

I turned around, walked to my room, pulled all of his clothes out of the closet, walked back down the hallway and dumped them on the floor in front of the computer room door.

I said, "Take your sh*t and get the F&#K out of my house. I'm DONE!"

If I hadn't been so pissed at him giving some chic off the Internet MY number and having her call MY house at 2 in the morning I would have been amused at how he tried to back pedal his way out of what he'd done.

There had been so many times we'd broken up that I'd taken him back. So many times he'd lied, cheated, and abused me that I forgave him. For some reason that night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I was done.

Done giving everything I had to someone who didn't appreciate it. Done loving him so much it hurt. Done letting him belittle me and abuse me into losing every bit of self esteem I'd once had. Done hoping beyond all hope that "one day he'll change" and things will work out.

It was like something clicked in my head and I'd finally had enough. He called several times in the following months. Saying how sorry he was, how he loved and missed me, how he realized what a good thing we had, etc and so on. I'd always taken him back before so I don't think he really thought I was serious this time.

He was wrong.

And once he saw that I wasn't backing down the calls became more frantic. I told him I was happy to be his friend, we could hang out and still do stuff together but as far as being with him in a relationship.. it wasn't going to happen. Ever again.

He got mad, saying he didn't want to just be my friend, that if he couldn't have me the way he wanted he wasn't able to talk to me at all. It was just too hard. And even though this tiny tiny part of my heart wished with every thing I had that he meant it I knew in my head that he was full of it. He'd had 3 years of someone bending over backward for him, going out of their way to do everything they could to make him happy and his life easy and now that was gone.

Every so often he'd call to ask me to come hang out. Sometimes I would. We'd rent movies and lay in bed watching them, and for a few hours I felt whole again. I let my wishful thinking get the best of me once and in September of 2003 we slept together. It was then that I realized he was right. We wouldn't ever be able to be "just friends".

Last I heard he married a 19yr old girl he'd been dating off and on for about 3 years and they moved to Kentucky to live with his parents. They recently had a baby. Although I hear through the grape vine it's not his. He's still the same kid in a man's body he's always been. Not working, no apparent concept of what responsibility, love and relationships really mean.

I feel sorry for the girl. She's so young and fell for his lines just like all the others. But it's not my problem anymore.

Posting this story has been somewhat cathartic for me. Reading back over the past 8 years of my life, seeing where I've been, what I've been through and how far I've come leaves me with mixed emotions.

I'm sad, for the love lost, angry for the things I allowed myself to go through, thankful for the lessons I've learned and will therefore hopefully never repeat, and nervous, anxious and apprehensive of what's to come.

One of the bloggers I follow One Date Wonder is also on Twitter and she twitted this the other day "At what point does a girl just pack it in and admit there really isn't anyone out there for her? Happiness is an impossible goal"

I replied "Hopefully never! Or else I may as well give up now."

She answered back "Don't you ever think it might be easier just to give up? Hope just hurts."

All the time girlfriend... all the time.

I Want (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

Roses are red, violets are blue, life is a joke but what can you do.
Give your love, you think it’s returned, open your heart only to get burned.
Center your world around that “special” one
In the blink of an eye they’re out having fun…

With someone else.

You’re left with nothing, no reason to live.
You gave them your soul and what did they give?
13 months of undying love and complete devotion,
Then he tramples your heart leaving you void of emotion.

Life sucks and so do you. I’m sick of feeling so blue.
Where is God’s mercy and why can’t He see,
That without you, there is only half of me.
I want my baby boy back in my arms.
I want him holding me safe from all harm.

I want that special name he called only me.
I was his Brutiful baby girl you see.
I want to sit on the beach with my love
and watch fireworks in the sky above.

Just like we did the year before.
I want his love now more than ever before.
But no he’s got this other chic now,
I hope she’s an ugly stupid cow.

I hope she breaks his heart into millions of tiny shards,
And scatters them over hundreds of yards.
So he knows how I feel broken and torn,
unable to feel love, only scorn.

I want him back and I want him back NOW!
Live without him? I just don’t know how.
I don’t want to learn to be on my own.
I don’t want to hear his voice on the phone.

I want him with me where he belongs.
I want to dance to our favorite songs.
I want him to love me like he did before,
before I let him walk out of the door.

I want him to know I’m so very sorry.
I never meant to cause him to hurt or to worry.
I promise if he would just give me a chance,
I’d do everything to bring back our romance.

Even with the Spirit and the love of the Lord,
I’d still give anything to hear those three words.
From my love, my life, my soul and my heart,
I’m begging you please give us a new start.

No problems, only solutions was what he always said.
Such belief in his love he put in my head.
Once he told me after a fight,
no matter what’s wrong, he can make it right.

We’ll just keep on beginning again,
to us there will never be an end.
But he lied and he went away and now I am left,
never in my life have I felt so bereft.

Please give me another try, Please tell me it wasn’t a lie….
When you said you loved me

Written 6/26/2001

The Spirit - an epilogue to the Mind Ripper Story

Sitting in the pew listening to the talk
Trying hard to find the nerve to get up and take that walk
If you want to go, I'll walk with you says my friend to me
Such a short walk, but seems so long it's worth it to be free

The first step is the hardest they get easier as I go
Just a few more steps to take to find relief I know
What's wrong dear child the pastor says as he takes my hand
I'm tired and sad and oh so weary I seek the promise land

What is your name he asks Mollie, I reply
Everyone pray for Mollie he says May the Lord give her wings with which to fly
A crowd gathers round me and many hands are laid
Free her from life's prison Lord so many people prayed

The tingles started in my fingers and went down to my toes
Then came the healing of the Lord like I'd seen on the TV shows
Jolts of electricity surging through my being
If I weren’t experiencing it myself I wouldn't believe what I was seeing

Shock after shock washed over me heat surged through my earthly shell
The Lord was working on my soul oh yes He was working well!
Unable to stand or even speak they guided me to the floor
And all the pain and weariness I'd felt just burst out my hearts closed door

Trembling lips muttering words I did not know
A perfect prayer to The Holy Ghost as pure as freshly fallen snow
How long I lay there I do not know I tried to rise time and time again
But the Lord was not yet done with me just lie still said my friend

When the Spirit was finally done cleansing my heart and soul
For the first time in a long time I felt complete and whole
When I thought I couldn't go on and would die from a broken heart
Was when the Lord stepped in and took over and gave me a new start.

To God be the Glory for He is truly divine
And in your darkest hour He's your best friend and mine.
Each Day is a Gift from God. That's why they call it "The Present"

Reminders of You (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

Showered , dressed and out the door to start another day,
Determined not to admit things have changed in any way
It’s been almost two hours since I forced myself out of bed.
I can do this, I tell myself, keeping thoughts of you from my head.

So far so good, I’m driving down the road,
Then our song comes on the radio and the memories explode.
Amazed is the song the radio plays, we used to sing it to each other.
Held tightly in your arms dancing. You swore you’d never love another.

Little things here and there, things we did together,
Taking in an evening movie in the rainy weather.
Every song the radio plays seems to be about you players,
haters and heartache creators.

It’s all I can do just to remember to breath
The road before me blurs as the tears begin to fall,
How could you do this to me, did you ever love me at all?

Everywhere I turn I see constant reminders.
I just can’t believe that all this time I’ve been wearing blinders.
You cried one night when we made love, you asked me to be your wife
We’ve had so many wonderful times, overcome so much turmoil and strife.
…………………………………………………………………………………………

You know what, I’m just way to pissed and irritated right now to finish this poem. Maybe it’s better to feel anger than hurt, but the hurt always comes back stronger and more painful than before. Every where I look something reminds me of him, of us, of our love and our life together. He called me his Brutiful Baby Girl, his Brat, his best friend. He was my Beautimus baby boy, my sunshine and my angel. I prayed for God to send me love and now it’s being taken away. Is it because he (my love) is trying to make his own path? Is he straying away from the one God has for us? How can someone be in love with someone one day then not want to be with them the next? Does anyone have any idea how much this pisses me off?? I want to scream and shout and cry and rage out against the pain he’s causing me, while he’s going along with his life like nothing is wrong.

Denial (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

I woke up this morning disoriented, confused and out of sorts.
Something wasn’t as it should be, the puzzle was missing some parts.
Dazed and sleepy eyed, I struggled to awake.
Trapped in slumber by a bad dream I couldn’t seem to shake.

As I wiped the sleep from my eyes the truth came flooding in.
On my bedside table sat your picture, God I love that sexy grin.
Memories came crashing back of the events of yesterday.
I didn’t dream it after all, you had taken your love away.

We’d had fights before and said things we didn’t mean.
He doesn’t really mean it, inside my head I screamed.
Like all the other broken fences, surely this one will mend.
I can make it through this day. Before we break we bend.

With this thought in my head and hope clutched in my heart.
I sat up, go out of bed and willed the day to start.

Mind Ripper - Chapter 13 The End

Mind Ripper has been an adventure that I hope you all have enjoyed reading.
I am unbelievably sad to say that as of yesterday, the story has come to an end.


He met this lady, less than a week ago; he says he likes her a lot
The love he felt for me all this time, he says now he does not
I still love you he says, but no longer in love am I
I'm bored with all this he says; I want to give something new a try

He's 21; she's 29 nearly a decade older than he
What in the world could she possibly have for him to choose her over me?
13 months of trials and triumphs and just last week I love you's were exchanged
How could his feeling for me in less than a week have changed?

He was my sunshine my angel sent from God above
I prayed and prayed for the right one, the one meant for my love
Could God be so cruel so cold and vicious
To answer my prayers then take away my wishes

I prayed for our love, and was given a peace of heart, of soul and of mind
This peace was given to me by my Lord have I really been so blind?
I just can't imagine a God so mean to give me a peace about our relationship
And then to take it away and leave my heart shredded in strips

So I ask all of you for your prayers that our love be mended once again
For there is power in prayer and I truly believe we are meant to be
Together, forever
Amen

Mind Ripper - Chapter 12

Once again we packed up our things and started out anew
With no plan that we could see or idea what we would do
Back to the Mississippi we went, back to where I called home
Hoping that after this journey, we no more would roam

In less than one year’s time we had lived in 4 different places
Different homes, different jobs, different friends and faces
His parents had a little apartment that no one was living in
So we decided that this was where we would once again begin

A former chicken coup turned into housing was what we arrived at
Crawling with bugs and spiders, who me, live in that?
My father lived not far, a 45-minute drive away
While I was more than welcome, my love could not stay

So we parted ways for the first time since the day we met
With plans for weekends together, surely no reason to fret
Our plans didn't work out as hoped and visits became sparse
What had once been a dream come true was quickly becoming a farce

A phone call here, a visit there and many tears in between
This turn in our relationship could not have been foreseen
In an effort to establish a concrete base I got an apartment with my sister
The reaction I got from my love for this, was more ravaging a twister

He felt like I was moving on and leaving him behind
Did he not know my love for him, how could he be so blind
I was trying to make a home for us, a place to call our own
However this was not to be, for my sister was casting stones

As families are want to do when a loved one is thought to be in danger
My sister had taken a dislike to my love, and toward him felt great anger
With great aplomb and ado she made her claim cloud and clear
"This is my apartment too and he is not staying here!"

Faster and bigger they came at us, one roadblock after another
Had the stars lied, been mistaken, were we not meant to be with each other?
We’d been together eight months, seen more trials than most in as many years
We’d laughed and loved, we'd hated and screamed and shed oh so many tears

What was to become of us, of my love, and me, were we to prove everyone right?
Could I possibly imagine my life alone, without him holding me through out the night?

I could not

Mind Ripper - Chapter 11

With my heart in shreds and a bruise on my cheek
I tried to make it through out the week
We didn’t talk, we didn’t touch
We didn’t laugh, we didn’t love

This lasted for what seemed like forever
I just knew we’d always be together
First he lost his job, and then I lost mine
Yet on the outside everything looked just fine

While I was dying a slow agonizing death in my heart
He was wishing for another new start
When I didn’t think I could take anymore
He came knocking on my hearts door

He said he loved me and he was sorry
He didn’t mean to hurt me or make me worry
He wished he could take it all away, the hate and hurtful things
And especially the slap, I still could feel its sting

I love him more than my life, but how could I be sure
That this event would not repeat itself, that his love for me was pure
So much hurt, so many questions could I forgive and forget
We’d caused each other so much pain, there was that and yet

When I looked in my heart, I saw the truth, and what was meant to be
I was the one meant for him, and he was meant for me
So once again we mended our love so many times torn and broken
We would move on and try again, it was so, our hearts had spoken

Mind Ripper - Chapter 10

Now would be the time for the happy ending
The happy ever after we should be spending
But believe it or not after all we’d been through
The tragedies to come were something completely new

In a four-bedroom house we lived with a family of four
His sister, her three children but wait there is more
To add to that was a live in brother
I soon found out was worse than my mother

To put seven people in one house
Was like before a cat dangling a mouse
Trouble was sure to make itself known
The face of uncontrollable rage, I’d soon be shown

To have been reared in the south was to be taught manners and respect
These were things people in the north simply didn’t get
Children ages 10 through 14 smoking and cussing
With no regard to their mother’s fussing

To put a southern girl in this environment
Was like putting an egg in a square hole, it simply didn’t fit.
Strain and feeling out of place quickly took its toll
The tattle tale, "bitcher", I was given this role

And to escape his family’s wrath,
Constant absence became my love’s path
Out all night every night, hanging with his boys
Leaving me dangling like some old broken toys

In a vicious pattern we became engaged
And more and more were we both enraged
Me mad at him for leaving me alone,
Him mad at hearing my bitches and moans

The word hate was thrown around
The love we once had was no where to be found
It finally came to a horrible halt,
with each saying it was the others fault

We got in a fight, once and again,
and then he did it, he raised his hand
And hit me hard across my face,
my brain zoned into outer space

As blood trickled from my ear,
down my cheek ran a tear
For I knew that this was the end,
I could never feel the same again

I now feared that which once I loved more than my own life
No longer would come the day that I would be called wife
I screamed my hate and anger and disbelief
No words could fully describe my grief

It’s over he yelled, I’m done with you
Drop dead I screamed, it’s over we’re through
And I closed my eyes and then cried
Feeling inside like I had just died.

Mind Ripper - Chapter 9

With the weight of loss on my heart and his absence on my mind
The happiness I once had felt was now hard to find
Into a deep depression I soon quickly fell
Life without my love was simply living hell

The days they went by in a haze
My heart had become numb and dazed
Each night I’d wait for his call to come
And each night I’d wish that he was home

How much more of his absence could I take
Before my will to live did break
For he had become my reason for life
My cure for daily sorrows and strife

And now when I needed him most of all
I could only have him in a phone call
Finally the day came for my love to return to me
His beautiful face I could not wait to see

They sent him home on a greyhound bus,
Is it just me or do bus stations seem the life of us
I sat awaiting his arrival
His return was necessary for my survival

To try and explain the unadulterated joy when his face I saw at last
To know that all the pain I faced alone would now come to pass
With tears in our eyes we walked toward each other
Knowing we would never feel this love for another

In his arms he wrapped me, safe and warm
All was right my love had come home

Mind Ripper - Chapter 8

Well they took him off to a far away place
where I couldn’t even visit him
A future that once looked so very bright,
was now looking very dim

Nightly phone calls were what I lived for
Just to hear his loving voice if only once more
I found a very good job, went to work each day
And every night when I got home I'd beg the Lord and pray

Please Jesus if I’ve ever done one thing right
It was to find this man, this angel, my sunshine, my light
If you can’t bring him back to me before his time is through
Give me strength to make it, something to hold on to

Shortly after came the backaches and leg pains
And I suddenly noticed the little weight I’d gained
I did the math with a calendar’s help and boy my mind went wild
For if my calculations were correct, I was now with child

He called that night and I said I had news to share
"You’re pregnant,” he said, before I said a word, "I sure wish I was there"
He always had this uncanny knack to know me inside and out
For him to know what I just learned was God at work, no doubt

We talked about baby names, and laughed until we cried
But stress from him being gone must have got the best of me,
for the same week I found out, was the week our baby died.

To have to endure the pain of loss with out his support
Any resemblance of happiness soon did I abort
He knew what happened just like before, before I said a word
"I love you" he said, "it will be ok, the mysterious work of the Lord"

Mind Ripper - Chapter 7

His sister came and picked us up,
with her we could stay.
Until we got on our feet,
until we made our way

One week went by and the shit it hit the fan
Pulled over on our way home from an interview and his license the officer ran

An arrest warrent for skipping a years old court date
How I wish that I had known, too little much too late
Simple assault he'd been arrested for,
a fight last year with his brother
Had she been right all along,
should I have listened to my mother?

I watched in disbelief as the around his wrists the officer placed the cuffs
Inside I screamed God, God why!?! Hadn’t we been through enough?
Lost in a place I knew nothing about I somehow made my way home
Well to the house of his sister that is, Lord, did I feel so alone

He called me from jail, not long after I got back
Its worse than you think he said, don't have a heart attack
You see honey, I have these old tickets for no license or insurance
I left the state without paying my fines, and I’m sort of in a mess

They held him in a tiny cell
until he could see the judge
They wouldn’t let me see him,
I pushed but they didn’t budge

I sat in the courtroom when his time came to plea his case
He seemed so sure of getting out; such a smile was on his face
To his surprise it didn’t quite work out that way

The judge sentenced him to 30 days;
after court was over I drove home in a daze
I hadn’t even been able to touch him
Now chances of him coming home were suddenly slim

Mind Ripper - Chapter 6

To the bus station we went, once and once again,
Where we were headed to, we didn't yet have a plan
900 miles away was where his heart was at
Michigan was where he was reared, a northerner imagine that

So the ticket purchases were made
and a note I left my mother
We’re running away, to try love again,
we won’t part, we love each other

With the keys hid under the seat,
at the station I left her car
Her number I left with the attendant,
he said he'd give her a call

We boarded the bus together, arm in arm we sat
And away we went on our new journey, can you imagine that
24 hours it took to reach out destination
It would be a day to soon, if I never saw another bus station

A brand new state, a brand new day,
a brand new start, a brand new way
A fresh new slate to start all over,
with my life, my heart, my friend and my lover

Not knowing where we would stay, he called upon his sister
Hi sis I’m back in town, and I’ve brought with me a visitor
She’s my girl, or as they say in the "D" my old lady
In the middle of downtown Detroit we stood, Lord have I gone crazy

With my life I trusted him and he wouldn’t let me down
Even though I’d never been in such a place as this "D town"
A small town southern girl, ready to take on the big city

Mind Ripper - Chapter 5

I awoke the next morning eyes swollen from tears cried
I just couldn’t imagine my life without him; no matter how hard I tried
I volunteered to take him to the bus station to send him on his way
There's no verse to explain how I felt when to me not a word did he say

As we get in the car and go on our way
Only one thing to me over and over did he say
Why are you doing this to me?

See he blamed me for telling my mom when I was troubled
When talking to her only made the stress double
Come away with me he begged, I can’t live without you
Pack up again I asked, is that what you would have me do?

For the third time, leave everything I know,
my job, and family and friends
Yes he said, that's what it will take
to make this relationship mend

Start over on strike number 3,
or try not to die as I watch him leave me
Oh Lord what choices are these you give
You know without him I could not possibly live

But to start over and over and over again will it ever stop
Will we find our place together, ever come out on top
Decisions decisions, what do I do,
do I stay do I go I wish I knew

So back to our adorable little home, to pack and pack some more
Leaving behind more history, on this chapter closing the door

Mind Ripper - Chapter 4

As the bus pulls into the station,
I see him waiting, my God's creation
All the fear and nerves fade as abruptly as they began;
I step off the bus and give him my hand.

Home we go to start our new life,
home with this man, who'll one day call me wife
Things started out wonderfully,
everything will work out, I tell you you'll see

But in a small town he lived
and work was hard to find
The longer I looked the less I found,
doubts invaded my mind

No problems he says, only solutions,
cast out your doubt, that devil's pollution
One month later we packed up our things,
on to another place, a second new beginning

We tried his home and nothing panned out,
so back to my stomping ground did we scout
For my home was much larger and offered much more
So once again, there I went knocking on employments door

Work was found and an cute little apartment
Things were going great, luck seemed heaven sent
Then came a lesson I learned very hard
A new relationship won’t work with mom in your back yard

See we lived very close to my mother
And fond she was of saying we weren't meant for each other
Harp harp, nag nag, went my mother day in and day out
It started to wear on me, and at my love did I shout

Her yelling at me, me yelling at him
a vicious circle did we weave
Then came the day I never thought to see,
he said he had to leave

No more could he take of the constant harassing,
what was he saying, this leaving me thing
It had gotten so bad he'd almost lost control,
our constant fighting had taken its toll

A hole in the wall, he punched it right through
With tears in his eyes he said, that could have been you
He couldn’t take the chance you see,
he couldn’t live if he ever hurt me

I couldn’t understand, what wrong did I do,
I'll never make it, I can't live without you
And once again great packing was done,
no more smiles, laughter and fun

My angel was going away from me;
this of course caused my mother much glee
The night before he was to go away,
at my mothers alone did I stay

You see my mother had called the apartment manager
And made up this story about his uncontrollable anger
They banned him from the property,
and my love they wouldn’t let me see

In the middle of the night out side I crept,
to sit under our window and quietly wept

Mind Ripper - Chapter 3

I look out the window of the bus as it travels down the highway
On to a brand new life, a brand new home, a brand new day

As I gaze at the scenery that passes me by
I take one small moment and let myself cry
I’m crying tears for the life I’m leaving behind
All my family and friends, they say I’m being blind

To have known the man, for such a short while
And to claim you love him, are you senile?
True love, they laugh at the notion, you don’t even know him they say
They don’t understand, or feel what I feel, how could they

As sure as the sun sets in the west
I know that for me he is the best
An angel sent to me from God in my great time of need
Try to understand, just support me I plead

On to a new life, a new home, a new love a new day
To the arms of my sunshine, that’s where I’ll stay

Mind Ripper - Chapter 2

We spent the most glorious weekend together
Fresh in the knowledge that we had found our forever
When the time came to part
a great sadness fell on my heart

For this love was so perfect and new,
Separate myself from it, I could not do
We smiled as we said our bonne nuites (good night), for good-bye we would not say
We vowed to be strong for we knew we see each other again, another day

The drive home I don’t remember,
for the view was clouded with tears
For so long have I searched for this love,
for so many years

I walked in the door and picked up the phone,
to let him know I’d made it home
"Hello", he said. "I love you", I replied,
and to my amazement he broke down and cried

He said he felt like he was dying
his love for me was so great
He should have asked me to stay;
letting me go was a mistake

So in a feverish hurry great plans were made
to eliminate the distance between us
I packed my bags and one week from the day we met
boarded a greyhound bus.

Mind Ripper - Chapter 1

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine You make me happy when skies are gray, You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine away........

Internet love, what a ridiculous notion,
Like number 9 a magical love potion
There I was chatting in Talk City,
Name of the room, !Flirts-Mississippi!

A loud mouth chatter,
the know it all kind,
ha ha I'll give him
a piece of my mind

What started out as opinionated difference,
Resulted in conversational consistence
Mind Ripper was his name.
Talk was his game.

And yet he seemed able
to see into my soul,
How could this stranger from far away know
that deep inside I didn’t feel whole?

So on we typed about this and about that,
I found myself looking forward to his chat
Each night I would sign on hoping to see his name,
thinking sure, I could play his game

We talked of politics theories and feelings,
his thoughts more often than not left me reeling
From Internet courting to calls on the phone,
my how this "telling him off" had grown

In a very short time this relationship grew,
some of these feelings impossibly new
He is a stranger, could I possibly feel,
this love from my heart, could it be real

He made me laugh, he made me cry,
and when I didn’t, he always knew why
This ability he had to finish my sentences, so strange it seemed
Warning, careful, watch out my head screamed

From "giving him a piece of my mind" to living for the next time we spoke
Such deep emotions and thoughts he provoked
And then came the time, the next step to take,
a face to face meeting, my insides did quake

For we had spoken those three little words that mean everything,
what if he was not all that he seemed
To truly love the person inside, with no thought to looks,
was this kind of love I’d read of in books

Sure we’d swapped pictures and letters in the mail,
but was that enough, I wish I could tell
Someone anyone of these feelings I have, but they’d only laugh,
Internet love, you must have gone mad

A three-hour drive, the nervousness growing,
fear of rejection on my face was showing
There he is standing there waiting for me,
can I go forward, can I not flee

He comes toward me with a purposeful walk,
where is my tongue, why can’t I talk.
Then as if we’d known each other forever and a day,
he wraps me in his arms and I hear what I need him to say.

Welcome home, Mollie, I love you.

To make an already long story short
I thank you for reading you’ve been a good sport
May 5th will mark our anniversary, one year we’ve been together
Could I see myself without him, nope, not ever

Mind Ripper is his name,
talk is his game
And rip my mind he did, and my heart and my soul
a place that without him would not be whole

I told him once he was my angel,
come to rescue me from a world of loneliness and despair
And I know that no matter what may come,
for me he’ll always be there

I need him like the air I breathe,
for he is my sunshine come to chase the dark clouds away
And bring to my life the light of love and faith and belief in happy ever afters.

The path to singledom

I'm not sure if that's an actual word but work with me here.

I was replying to an e-mail last night from someone who saw my personals ad and I realized that while I've been sharing my dating or lack-of-dating adventures with you I haven't really gone into much detail about how I came to be single.

I haven't always been single. There were 3 years of my life where I was blissfully and miserably in love. And yes, you can be both at the same time.

During one of the first break-ups my ex-fiance and I went though, and there were many, I wrote a series of poems that detailed our relationship from beginning to what I thought at the time was the end. They weren't mean to be great works of literature or even somewhat decent poetry, they were just the only way a young confused girl could think of to work through what was going on in her life.

Anyway, I thought I'd share those with you. Other than my ex-fiance no one has read the story and I'm not entirely sure about sharing it on here. It's something that is very personal to me and still close to my heart. But after thinking about it, I realized that there are many blogs that I've read where people had shared intimate details about things they'd gone through, and those blogs made me feel stronger, better about the things I'd endured. So if I can do that for someone else then it's worth opening up about one of the most personal experiences of my life. One that I still struggle with understanding to this very day.

So starting tomorrow I'll post a chapter a day. The story is called Mind Ripper. That was the screen name he was using when we first began talking, and it fits the effects our relationship had on me. There are 13 chapters I think, and a few post "The End" poems that are a part of the story.

Again, please understand that they were never meant to be "poems" in the way that most people think. The story rhymes. Why? I honestly couldn't say. I suppose that at the time it was how the thoughts and feelings came to me.

I usually say enjoy, when I'm going to post a story or funny moment of my past but some of the writing to come wasn't all that funny or enjoyable so I suppose I shall just say or rather ask that if you decide to become a part of a very very important time in my life by reading the next several posts that you do so with an open mind and a kind heart.

Thank you =)

Mollie