Thursday, December 31, 2009

For each and every thing... there is a time...

Today is Thursday, December 31, 2009. The time is 6:46pm.

It has been 3 months since I last blogged.
3 months since I was laid off from my job of 2 years.
3 months since the panic and fear set in that for the first time in my life I might have found myself in a situation I may not be able to find a way out of.

Today I can tell you that much has changed in those 3 months.

I don't start until January 11th, but I did, after submitting my resume to literally over 100 job postings, find a new job. The pay is less, and the benefits aren't free so money is going to be tight, but it's work with a reputable and stable company who instead of laying people off during the recession has consistently and continually hired new employees. It's also a company who has a tuition reimbursement plan and definite room for advancement.

Matthew and I celebrated our 9 month anniversary last week. I'm still not 100% sure he's "the one", but I am sure that with him I can be myself, and with him I can be happy... so only time will tell what that particular part of my future holds.

Matthew and I spent Thanksgiving together with my family and Christmas together with both of our families and I'm happy to say both experiences were really great. Due to me being laid off money was really tight so we didn't do any major gift giving, but we both managed to scrounge up a few dollars each for some small but heartfelt gifts. A gift we both would have happily done without, however, was the sinus infection we both got from my two nieces and sister, who all 3 woke up Christmas morning with runny noses.

I have regained all of the 17lbs I'd managed to lose this year and my health has slightly declined, but I met a great gal who is a personal trainer and as part of a business partnership we've formed, I'm going to do some tech stuff for her and she's going to kick my ass back into shape. As soon as I get over this sinus infection, that is.

One major thing that happened during the last 3 months is something that, while sucked, resulted in helping me take a major look at what I wanted to do with my life and actually take steps to make it happen.

I got a temp job at a company that creates and hosts websites and the day and a half I worked there reminded me how much I love the creative aspect of marketing and web design. I won't go into why I only worked there a day in a half - but I will say - be careful to make sure people aren't overly sensitive before you go correcting their e-mails.

When I lived in Michigan I did freelance work for small business owners, creating forms and brochures, and I really enjoyed the creative license I was able to take and the pride I felt at seeing my finished work being used to represent a company. I even came up with a business name to go at the bottom of all of my work. MJ Graphics & Business Design. Little did I know how handy that would be 4 years later.

So I've changed my major from Leadership & Cultural Studies - which I liked - but really had no idea what I'd do with - to Visual Arts with a concentration in Graphic Design. University of Mobile doesn't have a Graphic Design program so I withdrew from there and will be attending the University of South Alabama in the Spring and for the first time since going back to college I'm really excited about it.

I'm nervous about the unknown of course - I know I like creating, and I know graphic design is a field that I can relatively easily turn into a work for myself kind of job - but of course there is much I don't know and where there is the unknown fear is bound to be present. With that being said I plan to make sure my excitement about being in control of my future remains strong enough to out-weigh the fear of the unknown.

I got an email today from one of the OMT girls that mentioned a quote from Nelson Mandela that really hit home with me....
**After some research I found that this quote actually belongs to Marianne Williamson.**

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who am I not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about you shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. - Marianne Williamson

I've spent 33 years being afraid... not afraid of failing.. but afraid of succeeding. As Peter Parker's Grandpa said "With great power, comes great responsibility", and well, I don't know about you but sometimes knowing that something you do can have a profound effect on many can be daunting. What if you can't hack it? What if you follow your dreams, but then everything falls apart? What if you don't live up to every one's expectations and let them down?

Irony is a funny creature... the last time I ever spoke to my ex-fiance in person I asked him...."What are you so afraid of?" and his answer to me was "I'm afraid I'll fail".

He had the potential to be an incredible person who was a light to everyone he came in contact with but he chose to be a bum and an irresponsible jerk instead and I just didn't understand why. Before I gave him a hug and walked out of his house I told him "The only way you can ever really fail is by never trying at all". Looks like my great advice has come back to kick me in the butt.

Well times are a changin' and this girl is ready to not only try, but to succeed. 2010 is the year I stop talking about how I want to live my life and start living it.

2010 is the year I take action to turn every dream I've had into a reality.

2010 is the year that begins a life of financial stability and abundance.

2010 is the year I will learn to accept the love others give me because I will learn to accept the love I have to give myself.

2010 is the year I let my family know that while we may be drastically different in opinions and frame of mind I DO love them dearly and couldn't imagine my life without them.

2010 is the year I allow every good thing the universe has been storing for me to come my way because I finally believe I deserve it.

2010 is the year my life will be everything I've ever hoped and dreamed it could be because......

2010 is My Year To WIN!!