For each and every thing... there is a time...

Today is Thursday, December 31, 2009. The time is 6:46pm.

It has been 3 months since I last blogged.
3 months since I was laid off from my job of 2 years.
3 months since the panic and fear set in that for the first time in my life I might have found myself in a situation I may not be able to find a way out of.

Today I can tell you that much has changed in those 3 months.

I don't start until January 11th, but I did, after submitting my resume to literally over 100 job postings, find a new job. The pay is less, and the benefits aren't free so money is going to be tight, but it's work with a reputable and stable company who instead of laying people off during the recession has consistently and continually hired new employees. It's also a company who has a tuition reimbursement plan and definite room for advancement.

Matthew and I celebrated our 9 month anniversary last week. I'm still not 100% sure he's "the one", but I am sure that with him I can be myself, and with him I can be happy... so only time will tell what that particular part of my future holds.

Matthew and I spent Thanksgiving together with my family and Christmas together with both of our families and I'm happy to say both experiences were really great. Due to me being laid off money was really tight so we didn't do any major gift giving, but we both managed to scrounge up a few dollars each for some small but heartfelt gifts. A gift we both would have happily done without, however, was the sinus infection we both got from my two nieces and sister, who all 3 woke up Christmas morning with runny noses.

I have regained all of the 17lbs I'd managed to lose this year and my health has slightly declined, but I met a great gal who is a personal trainer and as part of a business partnership we've formed, I'm going to do some tech stuff for her and she's going to kick my ass back into shape. As soon as I get over this sinus infection, that is.

One major thing that happened during the last 3 months is something that, while sucked, resulted in helping me take a major look at what I wanted to do with my life and actually take steps to make it happen.

I got a temp job at a company that creates and hosts websites and the day and a half I worked there reminded me how much I love the creative aspect of marketing and web design. I won't go into why I only worked there a day in a half - but I will say - be careful to make sure people aren't overly sensitive before you go correcting their e-mails.

When I lived in Michigan I did freelance work for small business owners, creating forms and brochures, and I really enjoyed the creative license I was able to take and the pride I felt at seeing my finished work being used to represent a company. I even came up with a business name to go at the bottom of all of my work. MJ Graphics & Business Design. Little did I know how handy that would be 4 years later.

So I've changed my major from Leadership & Cultural Studies - which I liked - but really had no idea what I'd do with - to Visual Arts with a concentration in Graphic Design. University of Mobile doesn't have a Graphic Design program so I withdrew from there and will be attending the University of South Alabama in the Spring and for the first time since going back to college I'm really excited about it.

I'm nervous about the unknown of course - I know I like creating, and I know graphic design is a field that I can relatively easily turn into a work for myself kind of job - but of course there is much I don't know and where there is the unknown fear is bound to be present. With that being said I plan to make sure my excitement about being in control of my future remains strong enough to out-weigh the fear of the unknown.

I got an email today from one of the OMT girls that mentioned a quote from Nelson Mandela that really hit home with me....

**After some research I found that this quote actually belongs to Marianne Williamson.**

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who am I not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about you shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”. - Marianne Williamson

I've spent 33 years being afraid... not afraid of failing.. but afraid of succeeding. As Peter Parker's Grandpa said "With great power, comes great responsibility", and well, I don't know about you but sometimes knowing that something you do can have a profound effect on many can be daunting. What if you can't hack it? What if you follow your dreams, but then everything falls apart? What if you don't live up to every one's expectations and let them down?

Irony is a funny creature... the last time I ever spoke to my ex-fiance in person I asked him...."What are you so afraid of?" and his answer to me was "I'm afraid I'll fail".

He had the potential to be an incredible person who was a light to everyone he came in contact with but he chose to be a bum and an irresponsible jerk instead and I just didn't understand why. Before I gave him a hug and walked out of his house I told him "The only way you can ever really fail is by never trying at all". Looks like my great advice has come back to kick me in the butt.

Well times are a changin' and this girl is ready to not only try, but to succeed. 2010 is the year I stop talking about how I want to live my life and start living it.

2010 is the year I take action to turn every dream I've had into a reality.

2010 is the year that begins a life of financial stability and abundance.

2010 is the year I will learn to accept the love others give me because I will learn to accept the love I have to give myself.

2010 is the year I let my family know that while we may be drastically different in opinions and frame of mind I DO love them dearly and couldn't imagine my life without them.

2010 is the year I allow every good thing the universe has been storing for me to come my way because I finally believe I deserve it.

2010 is the year my life will be everything I've ever hoped and dreamed it could be because......

2010 is My Year To WIN!!

Manage My Muffin Top Monday

Not much new to report on the fight to banish my back fat. I've not lost any more weight lately, nor have I gained it. I've also not really been following any type of eating plan or fitness regime in quite a while.

I did begin eating all raw foods at the beginning of September but finances have been really tight lately and eating pretty much nothing but fruits and veggies can get really really expensive so Matthew and I are thinking maybe the best thing for us right now is to focus on a primarily vegetarian diet and incorporate as many fruits and vegetable as we can.

The main difference with this is, we'll be able to buy a box of whole grain pasta, some marinara, and veggie crumbles that will make an entire "cooked" dinner and have left overs for lunch the next day for less than $10, verses spending $20 on lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc that will only make about one meal for each of us.

I am also going to be starting work with a personal trainer soon, so hopefully that will kick start my butt back into a regular and continuous exercise routine that I'll stick with for years to come.

I know that even with Hypothyroid and PCOS, which both cause me to put on weight really easily, exercising WILL work to take the weight off. It takes time and comes off slowly but it does come off. I just have to dig deep and find the discipline to drag my ass off the couch, but I have faith that having someone else to push me will be just the kick in the tush I need.

So look forward to more exciting and productive updates to come.. along with some probable cursing and complaining about being made to work out when I'd rather sit on the sofa and watch Smallville.

Until next time...

Eat healthy and be happy!

Manage My Muffin Top Monday

Saturday Matthew and I went to MS to spend the day visiting with my nieces and get a fitting from my mom for our costumes for the Renaissance Faire in November.

We ate pizza at my sisters.

We ate McDonald's on the drive home back to Mobile.

I think you can see where this is going.

We're doing a fine balancing act between eating really healthy, and eating really un-healthy. We've not completely fallen off the wagon, but we can't seem to get back completely on it either.

Maybe this, just like everything else in my life, is something I need to try and find balance in. Being obsessive compulsive means things usually have to be all or nothing for me, but I'm finding that life rarely works that way and some times.... whether you like it or not.... you have to live in shades of grey.

Hodge Podge

I've said it once and I'm apparently in need of saying it again.

I've been a bad bad blogger.

I realized yesterday that I've not really blogged much lately, and what I have blogged has mostly been the Operation Muffin Top(ple) stuff - re my attempts and failures at losing weight.

There's been a lot going on in my life and I suppose the reason I've not blogged about it is because blogging is kind of like my journal. If I don't write it in my journal (blog about it) then it's not really an issue and I don't have to deal with it.

But you can only escape life for so long so this is going to be a mish mash of catching up on everything that's been going on.

~> Operation Muffin Top(ple)/Raw Diet update - not much to report on this end. Matthew and I totally fell off the wagon last weekend. We had Mexican Friday night, which wouldn't be terribly bad except we ate as much as we would have several weeks ago and that "full" feeling left us feeling sick. Then we had Wendy's Sat and Sunday evening. I realized that your body quickly adapts to eating healthily and quickly lets you know it doesn't like it when you convert back to eating junk, so I had granola cereal with rice milk this morning and am currently eating a lunch of grapes, strawberries, carrots and celery with peanut butter.

~> Family - Nothing terribly exciting on this front either. My mom is currenly sewing costumes for Matthew and I for the upcoming Renaissance Faire in November. It will be the first either of us have gone to and we're pretty excited. My dress is the one on the left in the picture. I'm using different color material though so it will look slightly different.

Matthew's costume is a combination of a few patterns but basically he'll look a little like Aragon in Lord of the Rings. He'll have a tunic, jerkin, wrist cuffs, trousers and boots. Maybe a cape, we'll see.

The nieces are good as always. Paisley is growing so fast and looking more beautiful each time I see her and Marley is still smart as a whip and full of more energy than any one child should have. We're going to MS Friday night to stay over and visit with the girls and check out the progress on our costumes.

~> Kitties - Back in July a stray cat wandered up on the porch of our apartment building and kind of adopted Matthew and me. Against my better judgment we ended up taking her in and she ended up being pregnant. Now we have four 5-week old kittens running amock in the apartment. They've just started eating hard food and are learning to use the litter box. Some of them are doing well with both, some prefer the floor to the box and leave us lovely little piddle puddle surprises to find.

I'm not a cat person. I've never been a cat person and I'm not likely to ever become a cat person. When I lived in Michigan I got talked into adopting two kittens from a lady I went to church with and while I loved those kitties dearly, the stress of dealing with cat hair and scattered litter ended up turning my boys into more of a stress than a joy and I re-homed them both to the same lady. They now live terribly spoiled lives in the lap of kitty luxury.

Matthew wants to keep one of the kittens. I do not. Since bringing in Scathath (the stray) I've pretty much stressed non-stop about the little she spreads everywhere, the smell her poo leaves lingering throughout the apartment (even after scooping!), how she scatters her food all over the kitchen floor when she eats, and the massive amounts of dust and cat hair that seem to be everywhere now. Not to mention the new holes she's put in my leather furniture.

When a pet brings more stress into a home than joy then it's not a good idea to have it. So, as sad as it makes him, Matthew has agreed that it's best to put the mom and all 4 kitties up for adoption. Next week they'll be 6 weeks old and we're taking them to the no-kill shelter.

~> Matthew - now we get to the crux of my blogging avoidance. Not Matthew himself, he's still as wonderful as ever. I mean the guy will go to Dollar Tree with me just so I can play.
The problem is with me. If you've read my blog for any length of time you'll recall that aside from Matthew, I've only ever been in one relationship. From the age of 25-28 I was with the man who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. We were engaged. Twice. In the end he didn't want to grow up and I didn't want to spend my life raising a grown man so we parted ways.

For the next 5 years I was single. And when I say single I mean SINGLE. No dating, no flirting, no casual sexual encounters. Other than family and co-workers there was absolutely zero male interaction in my life. Last year around July I decided to change that and for the very first time in my 32 years, entered the world of dating. It was a combination of being tired of being alone, and sick of hearing my family ask me when I was going to 'find a good man' that finally prodded me into signing up on a couple of online dating sites. I chatted with a few guys here and there, but none struck my interest enough to actually meet until PT. Long story short, he was young, flirted well, I fell for it, got hurt and he moved to Japan. If you want the long story long - well you can read all about it here.

While the PT debacle was going on I met Matthew. He'd messaged me on OKCupid and seemed like a nice enough guy, if not someone I'd be into dating. We met, went out here and there as friends, but as time went by I found myself wondering what it would be like to be more. Cut to today - we live together and are going to be celebrating our six month anniversary on the 22nd of this month - next Tuesday.

I really can't say enough good things about this man. He's changed my life in ways I didn't know possible. I've become a better, stronger woman as a result of his love and support and for the first time in years started believing dreams were more than just things that disturbed your sleep at night. He's kind, hellishly smart and makes me laugh at least once a day. So what's the problem?

Like I said before - the problem is me. Matthew loves me, and has recently admitted that not only does he love me, but he is falling in love with me. He's asked me my ring size and recently talked about the idea of buying a home together in the future. He treats me better than anyone I've ever known and truly loves and accepts me for who I am. And although it's not as often as I'd like we have a fairly fantastic sex life. Yet in spite of all that I find myself wondering if he's the one. I find myself alternating between feelings of romantic love for him, and the love you'd have for a best friend. I find myself wondering what it would be like to flirt back with guys who flirt with me. I find myself knowing that I love him with all my heart, but being unsure that I'll ever fall in love with him.

We've talked about all of this at length, repeatedly, and of course as with every thing else, he's been wonderful and understanding. He says they're all normal feelings and that I'm only having such a hard time with them is because the one and only other relationship I've ever been in was about as far from normal and healthy as you can get so I don't realize that what I'm feeling is what all people feel when in a new relationship.

When I was with my ex-fiance he was my world. I never had any doubt what-so-ever that I loved him, was in love with him and wanted to be with him forever. I never so much as looked at other guys, much less wondered what it would be like to go on a date with someone else. I was also young and naive, and he was incredibly manipulative. I loved the person I saw on the inside, the person I saw that he could be, were he to actually try and he knew how to take that love and use it to his advantage. He knew how to cater to my insecurities, then use them to keep me under heel. Matthew thinks I was in a word, brain washed. Not like the 'I'm going to kill myself in a mass suicide because God is coming soon' brain washed, but manipulated to the point that I didn't realize things were supposed to be a different way. I don't completely discount that theory, but even knowing how much I let him break me down part of me still would like to think I was strong enough to have known what I was doing and had done so willingly.

So this is where I am - wondering if I'm staying with Matthew because I love what we have and don't want to be alone again, or because I actually love him in the way I'm supposed to. Fearing that I'm hanging on to something I know isn't right to avoid hurting us both and possibly losing the best friend I've ever had, yet afraid to break up because part of me thinks it might just all be my over-active imagination analyzing things into the ground that need no analyzing and that as soon as I end it, I'll realize I truly am in love and then it will be too late.


There are things that I want in a relationship that we don't have, but I don't know if those things are really important. I love music and dancing. Matthew likes music and is so white Carlton from Fresh Prince could learn a thing or two from him. I LOVE sports and going to ball games. Matthew loves sports but only goes to the game because he knows I enjoy it. We have interests that are the same but there are things I'm passionate about that just really aren't his thing and vice verse. He says it's normal, that you don't have to have everything in common, and I partly agree, but the person you spend your life with should be able to understand your deepest passions because they share them too.

Have you ever gone to an event with someone who only went because you asked, then spent the entire time not having as much fun as you could have because you knew they didn't really care to be there? That's the stuff I'm talking about - to know that I'll never dance with the man I love - fluidly - or never have him sit next to me at a game and cheer along with me are things that I'm not sure I can do without. They may seem like small things, but if you're with someone who shares your passion for something, imagine how it would be if they didn't. Imagine how your joy would be tainted because you can't share something you love with the person you love most - because they love it too.

Then there's the other guys thing. Last night we went out to eat and there were two guys in a truck next to us that were trying to flirt with me, and they were cute. Matthew is sitting next to me in the car but some part of me still wished I could have flirted back. Then when we got to the restaurant our waiter was really cute and part of my brain thought 'if I were with someone else I could flirt with him'. Matthew says it's normal to still think other people are attractive - what matters is whether or not you act on it. I think if you're with the person you're supposed to be with the temptation shouldn't even be there. So it makes me wonder.. is it really normal.. or am I with someone who should really just be a friend?

I'm pretty sure I've lost the smooth subject to subject transition this post started out with, but it's just really been something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for some time now and I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. I told Matthew that I'd give us time to see how things went and I still plan on doing that, but I thought having made a decision on what to do would take away the anxiety of not knowing what to do and it hasn't.

And that he's being so incredibly patient and understanding about all of this makes me feel even worse. He knows he loves me. He knows he wants to be with me. He knows I'm the one he wants. And I'm basically taking all of that love and telling him I'm not sure it's enough. It's not fair to him and I hate it, but I don't know what else to do. So if you've ever been in a situation like this please comment. No matter how your situation turned out or what decision you made, just knowing that this really is all normal and I'm not just a freak who has no idea how to be in a relationship would be a huge relief.

Until next time...

Manage My Muffin Top Monday - Week 1 Raw Food Recap

Sunday marked one week since Matthew and I decided to try out an all (90%) raw food diet and I can honestly say I've had some seriously positive results.

We weighed and measured outselves Sunday morning and decided to re-weigh, measure every Sunday to chart our progress and in the past week I've lost 5lbs. That puts me at a total weight loss of 13 pounds since June, when I started actively trying to lose weight. I'd lost 17 pounds on the first round of Operation Muffin Top(ple) then gained 9 of those back. So with the 5 I lost last week I'm 3 pounds short of the original 17 pounds I'd lost at the start of my weight loss adventure. I've also lost half an inch on my waist in the last week!

Other positives on the raw food diet -

~> I no longer feel full or bloated after eating

~> My body tells me when it's had enough so I don't eat until I feel uncomfortable, I just eat until I feel done eating

~> I'm not starving again a few hours after I eat, which happened often with cooked foods.

~> I've been sleeping like a ROCK, which is possibly a combination of the new diet and this stress tamer tea Matthew bought, that we've started drinking a hot cup of each night before bed. Either way, it's a new improvement that I'm super happy about.

~> This one is gross, but my eliminations are softer and less frequent. For as long as I can remember I've been the poster child for regularity. 3 times a day every day, morning, noon and night. I don't know about you but I just really hate going poo, there's simply nothing enjoyable about the experience. SO being able to go less but not feel backed up is just wonderful to me.

We've been trying to figure out exactly how we want to structure our new eating lifestyle and are bouncing back and forth between all raw, with the exception of fish and brown rice, or just vegetarian with limited cooked foods and I can't speak for Matthew but I had an experience this weekend that pretty much cinched it for me.

Sunday afternoon we were out running errands and decided to go to a Mexican restaurant for lunch. I had a taco salad - beans, rice, lettuce, tomato and cheese in a crispy fried flour bowl, and Matthew had a tostada, bean burrito and cheese fajita. All vegetarian friendly except for the cheese - well depending on what kind of vegetarian you are that is - and mostly all raw except for the beans, rice and tortillas, none of which are technically *bad* for you.

The food was fantastic and we stopped eating once we started getting that full feeling, but within minutes of finishing our meal we both felt like crap. Our stomachs felt heavy and bloated and I felt almost instantly fatigued and achy all over. I honestly didn't think eating some rice, beans and a flour tortilla shell would be that bad, but it seems my body adapted really quickly to all fresh raw food and did not like detouring back into it's previous style of eating. Seafood seems to be the one exception my stomach is willing to make to the cooked rule and we had some FABULOUS pre-seasoned boiled shrimp from Winn-Dixie yesterday for lunch.

My next goal is to get a food dehydrator so I can start making some of the incredible looking raw food recipes I've found online. For those of you who are all "OMG I couldn't live without bread, or chips".. well you can make those things yourself with the dehydrator and they're not "cooked" enough to leach out the nutrients and enzymes you get from eating them raw. I found a recipe for home made corn chips and salsa that I can't wait to try!

As for expenses - eating raw really hasn't cost any more than the way we used to eat. Yea fruits and vegetables are expensive, but if that's basically all you're buying then you still have the money you would be spending on meat, bread, and other processed foods so it really kind of evens out.

All this talk about food has made me hungry and it's lunch time so I'm going to eat!

Until next week... Eat Healthy and be Happy!

Manage my Muffin Top Monday - You are not the Biggest Loser

It's been 3 weeks since I've blogged and I wish I could say the reason I've not written in so long is because life has just been so full of exciting and wonderful events that I haven't had time, but the truth of the matter is I've just been in a funk I can't seem to pull myself out of. But I've decided to put forth the effort to try and snap out of it and update you wonderful guys and gals on what's been happening in my life lately.

I finally got tired of not knowing and e-mailed one of the casting directors for The Biggest Loser to see if I could get an update and I got the following reply e-mail.

Mollie,

Thank you so much for opening up to our casting team and sharing so much of your life with us. Unfortunately, you were not selected as a finalist for season 9. As you know, in the end the network has the final say in selecting the finalists and cast members.

I encourage you to lose the weight on your own. You CAN do it!!

Thank you for the time you have spent during this process and for all your hard work. We truly appreciate it and wish you the best.

Warm Regards,
Angelic & The Biggest Loser Crew

I can honestly say that I'm not really upset about not getting picked. When I first started the audition process I was excited, anxious and a little nervous, but as time went by the thrill of possibly being on TV waned. Life took over and the idea of being away from Matthew and not seeing my nieces for possibly 4 months made the idea of being on the show less and less appealing, and four months is how long I'd be gone for filming if I made it to the end of the show.

So I'm not really bummed or upset about not being chosen. As for why I didn't get picked.. well they don't tell you that but my best guess would be because I auditioned as an individual and this season's show is for couples. They tell you to audition anyway even if you don't have a friend or family member to try out with you, so maybe they didn't come across another individual they though I'd make a good partner with. Who knows. It was an interesting experience any way.

I kind of wish I was more sad about it though... that would be preferable to this damn apathetic ditch I've somehow managed to fall into.

As for my progress on the weight loss front - I won't tell you what I do weigh but I wills say that I've managed to gain back 10 of the 17 pounds I'd lost in the first round of Operation Muffin Top(ple). I got really sick with some kind of virus on steroids a few weeks ago and just haven't felt like doing much of anything but eating comfort food. So there's been a lot of pizza and ice cream in my house the past few weeks.

All that changed this weekend though. Matthew and I were watching a show on Discovery last week and they were talking to people who were on different kind of extreme diets. There was a couple who lived on the CR Way - CR being calorie restriction. I know, extreme right? Then there was a lady who called herself a freegan, which means she dumpster dived outside of restaurants and grocery stores for all of her food. Sounds disgusting but you'd be surprised at some of the perfectly fine, unused, unopened, unexpired food she found. I don't remember what the third person's diet was but the last one was a raw foodist.

They lived and ate this way full time though so diet isn't really the right word, but one of the people they interviewed caught our eye so after talking about it and doing some research we've decided to convert to an all raw food diet.

By 'all' I mean about 95 percent, and by 'raw' well I mean exactly that - food that hasn't been cooked. Now we're not going to go all crazy and start tearing into raw slabs of beef or chicken. Fish is the only 'meat' we're keeping in our diet and we've decided that even cooked fish is something that really just can't be bad for you, although we will include sushi as well. But other than the fish, and brown rice, which is something else I like too much to give up, we're basically going to eat nothing but raw fruits and veggies. We'll also have legumes (beans) and granola as well as nuts and seeds.

It sounds extreme but the research I did makes sense to me. Cooking food alters the chemical make up and lessens the nutrients you receive from the food you eat. One of the articles I read used this analogy -

Fire kills. What has ever been increased or made 'more' by setting it to flame? If you set your house on fire does it get bigger? Better? No. It's destroyed. Heating food kills it. Period. It really is that simple. So what sense does it make to try and support and sustain a living vessel (your body) by putting dead things in it? It doesn't.

The other thing I read that stood out to me talked about the evolution of man. Animals, plants, every living organism on the planet except for humans live off of raw food in their natural habitat. Tigers don't toss their prey over an open flame before digging in. And as a human I just really can't imagine myself tearing through the woods and taking down an animal to rip it's neck out with my teeth. We're just not built that way.. and we're not built that way for a reason. We're really not meant to eat meat.

As we evolved and people got more curious (and lazy) we started putting crap in our bodies that really didn't need to be there. I say lazy because it's really easy to throw a burger on the grill. It takes work and preparation to make a great salad. And ya know what? I'm ok with that. I don't mind working for my food. I don't mind spending some time cutting lettuce and peppers and tomatoes and whatever other kind of vegetable I decide to eat to properly fuel my body. I enjoy using cool kitchen tools to make melon balls and cut my fruit into fun interesting shapes.

So Friday after I got home from work Matthew and I emptied out the kitchen. Every processed food, every item that needed to be cooked to eat, we loaded up in bags and brought to my sister in MS. When we left to go visit my family the only thing in our kitchen was a half of a head of lettuce, some pineapple, a jar of olives and a box of granola cereal. If the junk isn't in the house - You Can't Eat It.

Saturday night when we got home we went to the store and loaded up on fruits and veggies and haven't looked back. Last night for dinner we had a bowl of watermelon. And you know what? It was great! We ate until we didn't feel the need to eat anymore and we were satisfied without having that 'full' feeling we normally have after eating. This morning I had some granola cereal with rice milk and today for lunch I'll have more watermelon and an orange. Tonight I'll have a piece of lightly baked fish and a huge salad.

I have to say there really is a mind set change that has to happen before you can do something like this. And I'm not sure what triggered mine, but I just got tired of feeling weighed down. Not just by the extra weight I'm carrying but by the food I put in my body. Even eating a piece of baked chicken, which is supposedly sooo healthy, leaves me feeling heavy afterwards. Well that might be because I've basically put a lump of dead meat in my stomach. It's just not natural.

So I've decided to get back to basics and make eating a means of survival. As the saying goes "You should eat to live, not live to eat". I'll still enjoy what I eat but I won't eat because I feel like I'll just die if I don't have that piece of pizza or bowl of ice cream, I'll eat because my body needs fuel and energy and food is a means of accomplishing that.

At first I was worried about feeling deprived but I really don't think that's going to be an issue. I've found loads of recipes for all raw ice cream using mint and cocoa and almond milk. We haven't drank regular milk in months, so using rice or almond milk will be more normal to us rather than seem like a substitute. Fruit is naturally sweet and works wonders and taking care of a sweet tooth and vegetables are cool and crunchy making not only great meals, but fantastic healthy snacks as well.

The never again eating a nice hot meal thing had me worried for a minute too but something I read tamped down that concern as well. We don't really need hot food to keep us warm. Think about this before you argue with me - it's winter and you get in a nice steaming hot shower to warm up - then you get out and what happens? You freeze your ass off until you can get some clothes on. But have you ever had to take a cold shower? When you get out you feel fresh and invigorated and not. the. slightest. bit. cold.

And I'll leave you to think about that...

Until next time =)

Manage My Muffin Top Monday

Ok so I'm actually writing this on Wednesday, but Blogger lets me cheat and change the post date of the blogs to whenever I want, and since this is a Manage My Muffin Top Monday post........

Wait a minute... I thought you changed these posts from Operation Muffin Top(ple) to Manage My Fat Monday??

I did.

But the fabulous fatties from OMT are at it again and I've sucked it up (and in) and joined back in the fight to banish back fat.

@Catherinette has gone all out this time and fashioned us a super fancy website on http://www.twolia.com/ where we can weigh in - both figuratively and literally as well as check out the weekly challenge; ie adding fruits and/or veggies to every meal, and check out fabulous low fat recipes posted by our fellow fatties!

From June 1st to about mid July I'd lost 17lbs. As of today I've gained 7 of those pounds back. I'm going to totally deny any responsibility and blame going out of town 3 weekends in a row, which resulted in the return of fast food to my formerly healthy eating plan.

Matthew and I had planned on starting a 2nd round of our own 30 Day Challenge of no sweets, no pop and no fast food along with working out 5 days a week the Monday after we got back from vacation, but I ended up getting sick and between coughing and/or sneezing my brains out, it's all I can do to breath, so getting in some cardio is just currently out of the question.

Matthew has been working out though so I've every confidence once I'm fully recovered he'll be back in cheerleader mode encouraging me to get my sweat on (and fat off!).

As for the Biggest Loser - well I've not heard anything back yet, which could be good or bad. Holland said it could be a few weeks before I heard anything, but she also said if they have everything they need from you they may not contact you again until you've been actually chosen to go on the show. This Wednesday is 3 weeks from the date of my 2nd interview so I figure if I don't hear anything by the end of next week, then my road to Biggest Loser stardom has reached its end.

I'm staying positive though and expecting my phone to ring any day. If not, there's always next season!!

Manage My Fat Monday - Biggest Loser Update!

So on my last post I talked about how Holland from the @blcastingteam called me and said that they'd run out of time for 2nd call back interviews but they were interested in considering me for the show and wanted me to make an audition video and e-mail it to them.

Well a couple of days later I got an e-mail from Holland saying they'd had a spot come open and wanted me to come in for a call back interview!

The interview was at 10am on Wednesday July 15th at Grand Hotel Marriott Resort in Point Clear, AL. Needless to say I sent an immediate request to my boss to take a vacation day! Matthew came with me again for moral support and we made it to the hotel a few minutes before ten. There was another girl already there, who'd also gone to the casting call and gotten a call back. She came from Birmingham and was scheduled after me. (She didn't get a follow up e-mail after the interview )

We'd only been there a few minutes when Holland came out to get me. She explained that the interview would be filmed, but not to be nervous, the interview process was very informal and conversational and to try to forget the camera was even there. Yea right!

Here is the room where my call back interview took place

Holland and DJ sat in chairs on either side of the camera and I sat on the couch. For the most part, she was right, it was very casual and conversational and I was able to focus on talking directly to the casting directors and not pay much attention to the camera.

They asked a lot of questions, some funny, some serious, some that of course brought me to tears but they were really incredibly nice and encouraging and really fun to talk to.

In the e-mail that I got inviting me to the interview it said that call back interviews can last anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Mine lasted 45 minutes, which I'm guessing is good. I figure they know within ten to fifteen minutes if you're not right for the show and are experts at cutting the process short if they don't think it's worth it to keep talking to you. That probably sounds a little harsh but they are casting directors and even though the show is about changing people's lives if it's not good TV, it's not good TV, and in the end ratings are what TV shows are really about.

We finally wrapped up the questions and answer session and Holland said "Ok it's time for your first 'weigh in'".
I was like my uhh what?

She was like "We're not going to make you do the whole bike shorts and sports bra thing like on the show but we do need you to pull your shirt up to your bra and push your pants down a little under your stomach".

EEK!!

I know if I make the show I'll be showing my rolls to damn near half the world, but right there in that moment I was mortified to have to expose my jiggle to them and have it go on camera!

After that they took a head shot and full body picture against the wall and said that if I was picked to move on I'd get an e-mail by Friday.

Here's DJ, me and Holland - the casting directors.

After the interview Matthew and I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince then went home. The interview was at 10am, the movie at noon and when we got home around 3pm I checked my e-mail and saw this...

Congrats! You are on to the next round of casting for BL9! Attached are a few files: a sample bio, the home tape instructions and background questionnaire. Let us know immediately if you did not get all three. Below are details regarding each document. Please take this very seriously and get done what we need in a timely manner. Not everyone makes it to this step so we congratulate you for making it this far!!! (a bunch more stuff....) Please keep in mind you are required to mail these to us within approx. 7 days of getting this email from the casting directors.

Remember now, they said if I got picked to move on I'd hear something by Friday, so I fully anticipated not hearing anything for two more days. Imagine my surprise to have an e-mail waiting for me already by the time I got home the same day as the interview!

The bio took about half an hour, it's surprisingly hard to talk about yourself in 3rd person and the 24 page background questionairre took a bit longer. Who remembers every address they've lived at and every job they've had for the past 10 years?

The video was going to be a bit more tricky because they wanted footage of my family, my job, my home life, hobbies etc. The job and home life weren't terribly difficult but the family part... well all of my family live in Mississippi, which meant I had less than a week to get to MS, film myself interacting with my family and spending time with my nieces and turn it all into a video!!

I normally go to MS to visit my nieces every other weekend, but because of the 4th, then the next week being my sister's birthday we'd already been two weekends in a row and now we were going to have to go a 3rd time. I called up my sister and was like "Yo, we're coming over, taking the girls to the park and making a video. Be ready!".

Matthew did an incredible job filming and by 10:30pm Sunday night I'd managed to get all the clips I'd filmed over the previous 3 days edited, put together and burned to a disc ready to mail. I spent dang near $20 shipping it UPS 2nd day air but I wanted to make sure they got what they needed on time!

So now I wait.

The next step is the casting directors take my video, edit and combine it with the video of the interview and come up with a clip to pitch to the producers of the show. I e-mailed Holland and asked her how long it would take to hear anything, IF I hear anything after this part of the process and she said "any calls or e-mails in the next few weeks are good news!" so I could hear something today or I could hear something in 2-3 weeks.

Then again they could decide not to pick me and I could not hear anything at all, but with all the incredible people I have cheering me on and rooting for me I think it would be more of a miracle if I didn't make the show!

This weekend I'm going to try and edit down my video to a more short and less embarrassing clip and I'll post it for everyone to see, but for now I'll save showing my jiggle for the show!!

Muffin Top(ple) Update

I guess since I'm not doing Part Two of Operation Muffin Topple I need to come up with a new name for my weekly installment of all things diet, exercise and scale throwing related.

Ask and ye shall receive... This just popped in my head:

"Manage My Fat Monday"

What do you think? Catchy? Eh, it will do for now, until I can come up with something better.

Update - On my last Muffin Top(ple) post - June 22 - I'd lost 12 pounds. I am excited to say that number has increased by 3. Since June 1st I have lost a total of 15 pounds. Three pounds in two weeks might not seem like much, but considering the fact that I haven't worked out once in those two weeks and have fallen off the 'no junk wagon' in a serious way I'll take my 3 pounds and be happy.

I had planned on resuming my workouts yesterday but felt like poo all day. Unluckily, my OnDemand date with Bob Green of Biggest Loser will be postponed yet again, as the poo feeling has followed me into today.

Speaking of the Biggest Loser - open casting is THIS SATURDAY!! I'm pretty nervous. They're looking for couples again - parents & kids, couples, cousins, friends etc., and I'm applying by myself. The website says feel free to apply anyway even if you don't have a partner but I can't help but wonder if it will hurt my chances of making the show by trying out solo.

I remember a few years ago they had a couples show and two single people who made it and they paired them up and that worked pretty well. It was a bit harder for those two than the other contestant because they didn't have a friend/family member there with them to keep them from missing home quite as bad, but it also gave them more incentive and motivation to kick butt!

I'll be tweeting from the line starting at 8am Saturday morning. The actual casting is from 10a-6p and they say not to arrive any earlier than 2 hours before casting begins or they won't let you in line. I only live about half a mile from the casting location so I'm hoping to be at the beginning of the line!

Wish me luck!!!

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Operation Muffin Top(ple) has come to an end.. and while I didn't win the prize, I still feel like I've come out of this a winner. I've learned so much about my health, my body, food, exercise and what it takes for me to get where I need to be weight/health wise. Most importantly, I've learned that I CAN do it.

And I can do it without killing myself at the gym or starving half to death.

I won't tell you what my beginning weight was, maybe once I've reached my final goal I'll reveal that number but until then I will say that since Matthew and I started our 30 Day Challenge on June 1st, I have lost 12lbs. We've slacked off the last week so I haven't been losing like I was but I've not gained any either, so I know that what we're doing works.

To find out who won you can head on over to Catherinette's blog and congratulate the girls on a job well done.

They've decided to go another round, as there are girls who didn't quite meet their goal, and most everyone has signed up for round two, but I think I'm going to go it alone from now on - well just me and Matthew. The girls are great and it was awesome to read the witty and sometimes snarky comments back and forth as they pushed and prodded each other to put down that twinkie and get to the gym. But not winning kind of put a dent in my cap so to speak. I know it wasn't about the prize, but knowing I have 2 medical conditions that make me have to work twice as hard as everyone else to lose just one pound, and having lost 12lbs in spite of that then not even making 2nd or 3rd place.. well it deflated the joy I had from working so hard and sucessfully losing weight.

However, if you want to sign up for the 2nd go around head over here

With Matthew as my main support I don't expect anything from him, so when I don't 'win', I won't feel like all my hard work has been for nada. It will be just about losing the weight and getting healthy, which for me personally is just a better plan.

I have decided though to continue the Muffin Top(ple) Monday posts to keep you updated on my journey to health and fitness.

In other news - Biggest Loser is holding an open casting call here in Mobile on July 11th and I think I'm going to try out. I've talked to Matthew about it quite a bit to see what he thinks, and yes I know I'd be doing it for ME, but if I did get picked I'd be away for 4 months filming and that would effect HIM as well. Four months without being able to see and quite possibly talk to each other. Four months of him taking over making sure our rent and utilities get paid, which is something I've always done, as they're all in my name. Four months of him going grocery shopping and fending for himself in the kitchen rather than having a home cooked meal, which will more than likely result in a nightly cuisine of corn dogs and spaghetti-o's.

The general consensus is - we would miss each other madly, but this would be one hella fantastic opportunity for me and I should go for it. It would also give me the platform I've been looking for to talk about PCOS and Hypothyroidism - and how hard losing weight can be for women who have not just one, but both of those conditions. There are just not enough resources or information out there for women with PCOS, and nearly none on how to manage weight loss with PCOS and Hypothyroidism combined.

My doctor basically told me 'You just have a big body type' and will always be large. Huh? Seriously?!

Well needless to say I wasn't happy with that answer and the last few weeks have shown me that there are things that work, and it doesn't have to be a huge struggle to get off the weight these conditions put on.

As the date for the casting comes closer I'll blog more about it and will definitely keep you updated on the casting process itself. Wish me luck!!

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Well it's been one week since starting my self issued 30 day challenge.

To recap - Matthew and I challenged ourselves to 30 days of No soda, no fast food and no sweets. We also set up a schedule that has us working out 6 days a week.

I am happy to report that I since last Monday I have lost 5.6 pounds. I've also lost an inch off my waist and half an inch off of my hips.

I won't lie and say it's easy. I mean it sort of has been, but there are definitely times when I'd gladly rip off my right arm for a piece of chocolate, or a bowl of ice cream. Thankfully Matthew is there every step of the way supporting me and reminding me that this whole 30 day challenge thing was my idea and come hell or high water we're going to stick to it.

Sometimes ripping off his arm seems like a better idea. Just kidding. Sort of.

Honestly though, it has been really awesome to have someone there supporting me so much. He believes in me even when I don't believe in myself and always lets me know that I CAN do this. The best thing is that even though I really do need to drop some of this weight, he never fails to remind me that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful just as I am.

I've decided to up the activity level a bit this week and I'm going to start taking the stairs at work. My office is on the second floor and normally I take the elevator up and the stairs down. Although recently I heard that going down stairs is actually not so great on the knees and hip joints, so I'm going to reverse that. I took the stairs this morning and was amazed at the immediate burn I felt in my thighs. I doubt taking stairs up one flight is going to have any dramatic effect on burning calories but every little extra bit helps.

Check back in next Monday for my next 30 Day Challenge update!

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Happy Monday friends.

I'd love to say I've dropped dozens of pounds since beginning Operation Muffin Top(ple) but that would be a lie and I'm going to take a cue from Honest Abe and tell the truth.

Matthew and I saw Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Friday night - hence the Honest Abe reference.

Anyhoo. When I started this about 6 weeks ago I weighed x number of pounds. I normally fluctuate 3-5 pounds on any given day but had managed to lose a steady 5 pounds as of the beginning of last week. As of today I've gained back those 5 pounds plus 2.

To be honest for all my talk about motivation and determination I've pretty much half-assed this thing. I'll either eat really well and not exercise at all, or exercise my butt off and eat junk. Well last week I combined eating junk (read Wendy's & McDonald's) 3 days and not working out at all the entire week. And I feel like doo doo.

So I've decided (again) to do something about it. Only this time I'm taking a slightly different approach.

Matthew and I - he doesn't really need to lose weight but wants to get in better shape and is such a fantastic support to me - have issued a challenge to ourselves.

A 30 Day Challenge.

Starting today, June 1st.
For the next 30 days we are going to do the following:

Diet:

~No pop (soda, coke)
~No fast food - that includes pizza & Subway
~No sweets - that means ice cream, candy, cake/brownies/cookies etc

Sweet tea is something that Matthew just can't go without so we're limiting consumption to one glass a day and only with dinner.

Exercise:

~Mon-Fri 6am - I will walk 2-3 miles with Leslie Sansone on OnDemand
~Mon-Fri 6pm - I will do 20 push ups & 'The 100'.

I'm currently doing wall push-ups but don't let anyone tell you they're not hard or don't work. They do!

Wall Push ups


Pilates 100 (3 different levels of ab torture!)


Matthew has his set of exercises he is going to do morning and evening as well.

I have a dry erase calendar/message board in the kitchen and we've written down everything that we've pledged to do, and each day that we complete the challenge we will X out that day.

We've both recorded our weight for today and each Monday will weigh in and write in the new weight on the board.

I'm one of those people that the quickest way to get me to do something is tell me I can't do it. Why? Because that issues a challenge and while I may not care if I prove myself to anyone else - proving something to myself is entirely different and Matthew is much the same way.

Which is why we've made it a challenge. Every day for 30 days we're challenging ourselves to do the things listed above. We're both pretty excited too. I don't know if it's because we wrote down a specific plan or what but this time it's something that we're both sure we will stick with.

Studies show it takes 21 consecutive days of doing something in order for it to become a habit. So at the end of 30 days not eating junk, not drinking pop and exercising will have become a regular part of our lives!

What do you need to challenge yourself to do??

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Today we're going to talk about woman's number one enemy.

No... not Men. They may be a pain at times, but they have their uses.

I'm talking about the scale.

That 12x12 piece of plastic or metal, that with the twirl of a dial or the flash of a digit, can make or break your day.

Last week I sent an e-mail out to my Muffin Top(ple) ladies with a picture of me from 2004 and I asked them all to guess how much I weighed in the picture.

Here is the picture


The guesses were varied and ranged from 175 to 205lbs.

In that picture I was in the best physical shape I'd been in years. I was fit, healthy, exercising regularly and eating right.

And I weighed 237 pounds.

So many people pick a number, a weight for a goal when losing weight and get discouraged when they don't see drastic changes on the scale. Having a goal weight can be helpful, but as you can see by the picture I didn't look like I weighed anywhere near 240lbs even though I did. I was in a size 18 jeans (that I still have & will wear again!) and I was super fit and healthy.

I'd like to give you a little something to chew on (other than that candy bar!). Watching the numbers drop on the scale is always a great motivator... but an 'ideal' weight for one person may be way off for someone else - so what's most important is to shoot for getting healthy and feeling good about yourself.

According to medicine, doctors, weight charts.. the 'ideal' healthy weight for my height 5ft 5in (or 65 inches) and bone structure (large) is between 127-155lbs.

Even if I stretch it and go by the 1 inch heel height and say I'm 5'6" that only gives me another 4lbs.

My BOOBS weigh almost that much. I would, to be totally honest look sickly and ill if I weighed anything less than 185 pounds. 200 would probably be a perfect weight for me, but 235 is where I've found I'm most comfortable and physically fit. At the same time my mom is one inch taller than me and can pull off weighing 125 with no problem. My sister is 5'3" and normally wears about a size 6/8 - also around 125lbs.

My mom, me, sister & brother at my sister's wedding May 2005.

Which of these things is not like the other???


I've spent the last 20 years comparing myself to a family of skinny people. I am the ONLY heavyset person in my immediate family, and for years all I could think was "how in the world can I ever get small enough to weigh what they weigh?!?"

The answer is I can't. I have a different body type. I will always be a 'thick' chic. I'll always have curves and I'll always be bigger than everyone in my family... and I'm finally realizing that that's OK. As long as I'm healthy and feel good about myself the numbers really don't mean anything.

Anyway - I guess the point I'm trying to make is don't get caught up in the numbers on the scale. Pay attention to how you feel, the fit of your clothes, the new energy you have... and let those things be your guide.

If you still feel like you should weigh a certain weight because a chart tells you, take a look at this. It's a height and weight chart made up of pictures of real people. It's a great visual for understanding the human body and how one person who's say 5'5", can weigh 235lbs and look smaller than a person who's 5'7" and weighs less.

Don't be a slave to the scale ladies (and fellas). Eat right, exercise and focus on being healthy. The fit of your clothes and the feel of your body will tell you more than a number ever could.

Muffin Top(ple) Monday - a day late & a donut short

I've been back from Mexico for one week and I figure it was time to get off my fat tush and get back to blogging. OK technically I'll be sitting ON my fat tush to blog but... anyway.

First I want to give a HUGE thanks to the lovely ladies who filled in for me while I was gone. They did a flabtastic job and I hope you add them to your list of blogs to stalk visit on a regular basis.

Just a Titch
Sex, Lies and Dating in the City
If Music Be
Just Lisa, No Filler

Now, on to business.

Before I left for Mexico I'd made a goal of not gaining weight while on vacation and I think I accomplished that. I say think because I weighed myself first thing in the morning the day after I got home, then had a doctor's appointment that same morning and the scale at the doctor's office said I weighed 9 pounds LESS than what my scale at home said.

The scale at the doc is one of those old timey ones where you slide the weights along the bars. My scale at home is digital. Matthew had a check up the week before and the doctor's office scale said he weighed almost 10 pounds MORE than the scale at home so I really have no idea which one is right. I have another appointment today and I weighed myself at home this morning so we'll see what the doc's scale has to say.

You may be wondering what's with all the doctor's appointments?

As you may or may not know, (and the only reason you wouldn't know is if you hadn't been reading my blog and in that case why the hell not?!) I have hypothyroidism. About 5 years ago I gained 30lbs in two months for no apparent reason. I joined a gym, worked out for two hours a day, five days a week and let a trainer beat my ass for three hours one day a week. Six weeks later and I had not lost One Single Pound. Turns out there was a reason. I could have worked out until I lost consciousness and it wouldn't have done much. I went to doc, had some blood drawn and voila! Under active thyroid. Yay me!

With diet, exercise and my daily dose of Levothyroxin I managed to get a few of those pounds off and manage to not gain anymore weight. Then I moved back to the south.

The last few years I lived in Michigan I'd adopted a relatively healthy lifestyle. I worked out in the gym at my apartment on a regular basis, I rarely ate fast food and I'd completely given up pop (aka soda, coke). I was fit, healthy and felt good about myself, if only on a superficial level.

In 2006 I made the decision to move back south to be near my niece and I'll be damned if the sun didn't melt the 'healthy' part of my brain. I started drinking pop again, I quit working out, I became close friends with Krystal's and Rally's and I put on 45lbs.

Even though by 'medical standards' I was morbidly obese, I was, according to 2 full work-ups in as many years completely and perfectly healthy. Well aside from the thyroid issue, that is. My blood pressure was normal, my sugar was fine, my good cholesterol was a little low but my bad cholesterol was great.

Last year I had the pleasure of finding out that there was another contributing factor to the increasing size of my waistline. I also have PCOS. You can read about that blog post here. One of the 'symptoms' or side effects of having PCOS is weight gain. Back in January my doc put me on Loestrin birth control to 'treat' my PCOS and in just over a month I put on 20lbs. One of the top side effects of Loestrin? You guessed it...

Weight Gain

I guess in the back of my mind I'd taken to thinking, well I've gained weight, and I'm not happy about said weight gain but as long as I'm still 'healthy' it's not that big of a deal.

Well I'm annoyed, aggravated and angry to say it's become a big deal. My appointment today is to discuss ways to lower my apparently now high cholesterol and I've no doubt losing weight is going to be at the top of the list. When the nurse called me to give me my lab results she said 'you should go on a diet'. I wanted to rip her throat out through the phone.

Below are two pictures of me.

The first picture is me in July of 2003. The second is me on my vacation just last week.

As you can see I've gained quite a bit of weight.
In just under 6 yrs I have gained about 65lbs. In my defense it was just about a year after that first picture that my thyroid decided to crap out and I've been in a battle to balance meds ever since. In my NOT defense - I admit to having developed a defeatist attitude when I was told 'you'll be on medication for the rest of your life' and said what the hell, it doesn't matter what I eat I'm going to gain weight anyway so screw it and I all but gave up a hella hard earned healthy lifestyle.

The funny thing is, according to EVERY 'ideal healthy weight' chart I can find, I was about 85lbs overweight in the first picture, which would make me... well a hell of a lot MORE overweight now.

But according to several doctors and a ton of tests I was perfectly healthy 25 pounds ago.

One of the ladies who is a part of Operation Muffin Top(ple) said in an e-mail today that she got on the scale and realized that she'd finally reached 'that number'. A number that she never thought and always hoped she would never see on a scale. I imagine we all have one of those numbers, I know I do. I also know that in recent weeks I've reached and topped it.

I always looked at big people and thought It can't be good for their health, how can they have let themselves get so big?. Now I know.

And now it's not just about looking better in my clothes, or feeling better about how my jeans fit. It's about correcting the health issues that being overweight have created. It's about saving myself... while I still can.

Beauty Everywhere

Yes, Mollie is back from vacation. She’d asked me to guest blog, along with some other wonderful ladies, while she was away but I got my days all messed up and well…

My name is Simone Grant and I blog daily over at Sex, Lies and Dating in the City. I didn’t have to think long about what I wanted to blog about for Mollie, because I really liked her post Beautiful You. It got me to thinking just about what an odd relationship I have, and most women have with our bodies.

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I’m gonna out myself here. I’m not participating in this Muffin Top Monday thing. And, truthfully, I don’t really need to. I’m pretty thin. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own body and self–image issues.

I’m a 38-year old single woman who lives in New York City, a town where an unnatural percentage of the population makes their living being beautiful. It’s freaking intimidating. I’ll think I look nice, on my way out to a date, and then pass a gaggle of teen-aged supermodels on my way to the subway. Pow, there goes my self-confidence. One night, years ago, I was actually stopped on a street corner by a “helpful” stranger who told me to go home and put on nicer clothes and some make-up (it was a hot summer night and I was wearing a tank top and cut-offs, without a stitch make-up).

There were many years (decades?) when I was completely incapable of looking at myself, naked, in the mirror the way Mollie talks about in her post. And then one day I kind of got over it. I realized that no one, certainly none of the men I’d ever dated, expected me to look like a supermodel. And that I was beautiful in my own way.

Just like Mollie (heck, if I had a boyfriend who told me I was hot, I don’t know if I’d be dieting). And just like all of you. Beautiful. Every damn one of us.

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Hello there! My name is Amy, and I'm yet another guest blogger while Mollie is away, sunning herself on the beach and hopefully not contracting swine flu! Yikes! You can usually find me over at Just A Titch but I told Mollie I'd help her out while she is away. Like our previous lovely guest blogger, I met Mollie through our Operation Muffin Top(ple) group, a lovely group of girls trying to get skinny.

As part of my personal mission to get thinner, I signed up for a new gym. No, this isn't just a typical gym: it has classes and trainers and you have to work with other people. This, my friends, is where I've found a problem.

Pretty sure I've gone twice, and everybody hates me.

The truth is, I'd hate me too. Here's why: I'm the fat, slow kid. Don't get me wrong---I've been picked last for many a game of dodgeball and all that, seeing as how I've always been a little on the fat side and a lot on the non-atheletic side. The first day I went to the gym, my girlfriend came with me, so it wasn't so bad. She and I paired up to complete a billion arm exercises and speed wasn't an issue. The next day, this was not the case. We were expected to do Agility Drills in groups. And let me tell you what: I DRAGGED DOWN THE ENTIRE GROUP. Badly. If your team is only as strong as your weakest link, with me on your team, you are SCREWED. Big time. Everyone tried to be nice as they lapped me and gently scooted me over so they could leap over things or zig zag around cones as I huffed and puffed, but I could tell they were wondering who let the fatty in to ruin their workout.

In case you're wondering, no, I am not the *least* bit paranoid.

Still, I did my thing, and damn, I was sore afterwards. My crowning glory moment came when we were split into two large groups and had to alternate running with ab exercises. Basically, if you were crunching, you had to work until everyone came back from running a quarter mile lap.

Guess who got eye daggers as she dragged her fat ass in from that lap?

The good news is that I don't care. They can hate me as much as I want to, but I'll still be showing up, if not only to screw up their workout. And someday, when I'm thin and hot, I'm totally going to lap a fatty.

Another Guest Post You Say: Mollie must be on Holiday

Hi there, I'm LizSara and I blog over at If Music Be. Mollie told me to tell you that I'm guest blogging for her while she is (and I quote) "sunning my ass on the sand like a beached whale and can't roll my way to a computer to blog lol"

So here I am.

I met Mollie (in the same way as Lisa) through Operation Muffin Top(ple). When she asked for guest posters I jumped at the chance because OMT has been such a great expereince for all of us so far I wanted to do something for her. I'm all about spreading the blog love you know.

Anyhoodle, I was going to post about what OMT has been doing for me but you've already had one of those posts from the delectable Lisa, so instead I am going to tell you why I am the polar opposite of Mollie and why that doesn't matter because when you blog you get friends because of who you are, not what you've done in life.

See I was always a bit of a slut-in-training when I was at school. I stared smoking when I was 13 and drinking not long after. I was never off the rails, I always came home on time and never talked back to my Mum (oh yes, I say that because I'm English sorry should have mentioned that part too) and I was always at school when I was supposed to be, but my social life wasn't exactly how my family thought it was.

If Mollie was the white sheep of her family I was definitely the murky grey one of mine.

When I left home at 17 I did it because I wanted to have a greater freedom than living with my family would allow. So I moved in with a boyfriend and some friends, got engaged and then slept around the town I lived in until my relationship broke up. I spent the majority of my university years doing much the same thing, always looking for the next high.

By the time I hit 24 I was bored with that lifestyle, and wanted to settle down so I moved in with a guy who was an alcoholic, left my friends 50 miles away and tried to be a Stepford Wife.

You can guess how that turned out can't you?

Fast forward to now, I'm 31, I live alone, I have the greatest boyfriend that I don't get to se nearly enough because he lives 100 miles away, hardly any friends through total fault of my own and I am finally living the fiscally responsible, sensible life my family always wanted for me.

Do I want to break out sometimes...of course I do, you can never change your personality, only which bits of it you show to the world.

So I say, through experience; Live the life that makes you happy, not the one that makes them happy, whoever they are and you won't go far wrong. You can make friends with whomever you choose, you only need to know what they're like as a person, not have shared experiences with them...sometimes it's those people who make the worst friends.

Life is all about what you do with it, you, only you can make yourself happy

Much love

Mwah

The importance of motivation

What’s up, Peeps! My name is Lisa, infiltrating Mollie’s blog while she’s sunning herself on a rock in paradise. If you want to check out my blog, you can mosey on over to Just Lisa, No Filler. It's the story of me, my husband Wylee, our daughter The Allie Cat, and our struggle to add a fourth one to the mix.

I know the crazy cat lady from this thing called Operation Muffin Top(ple). It’s a group of awesome ladies that are trying to lose some weight. I’ve been struggling to lose weight for years, starting with an event that happened when I was still young and single. I was on a date, and while I was at the restaurant, wolfing down my cheese tortellini, I noticed that my date was staring at me. Did I have alfredo sauce dripping down my chin? Was there a bit of cilantro stuck between my teeth?

“What’s the matter?” I asked, self-consciously dabbing my napkin around my mouth.

“You’re quite pretty,” he answered, carefully observing me. “You would look sensational if you worked out.”

There it was, right smack in front of my face. The classic “you-have-a-pretty-face” syndrome. The nice way of saying, “Your butt’s getting too big for the chair.”

Don’t worry. There was no second date.

The very next day, I went to a local gym and asked for a tour. I was really hoping for a tour guide who resembled an Adonis, like in the movies, but unfortunately I ended up with Barbie’s twin. I could give this woman the twenty pounds that I wanted to lose and she still would have been the skinniest girl I had ever seen.

“OK, let’s go!” Barbie said in her best cheerleader voice. “This is the best decision you’ve ever made! Let’s get started!”

For me, the key to working out is the proper motivation, and I have to say that I would be much more motivated to go through the pain and torture of working out if I had a golden boy with the arms of Brett Favre and the chest of Tito Ortiz encouraging me along. “I’m really not ready to make a commitment,” I said. “I just want to look around and see if this is the right place for me.”

Barbie just giggled at this. “Looking around isn’t going to make those hips any smaller, Silly.”

Sigh. I was defeated.

Barbie took me around to each machine and showed me how everything worked. She made me do as many reps as I could on each machine and then set goals for me to increase my levels of strength and endurance. Then she measured every possible area of my body, pinched muscles that I didn’t even know I had, and figured out my body fat (something that I will never share, even with you).

I noticed throughout the tour that there were women everywhere. Large women, small women, young women, old women, pretty women, not so pretty women, women, women, women. I felt like a demented Dr. Seuss. Where were all the guys? “Excuse me,” I said to my spandex-clad tour guide, “Is there a certain time when there will be more, um, guys?”

Barbie could barely contain her laughter. “There isn’t going to be any guys here,” she managed between giggles. “Didn’t you know? This gym is for women only.”

That was the last time I stepped foot into a gym. Like I said, motivation is an important thing for me. I absolutely have to have something to look at as I sweat. And if Adonis isn’t going to be there, I have to move on.

Yeah, my hips are getting a little big. But hey, I’m married now! Joke’s on Wylee!

(Thanks for letting me play, Mollie! Hope you're having a great vacation! ~Lisa)

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

It's week 3 of Operation Muffin Top(ple) and I'd love to say I've had huge success but that would sadly be a big fat lie, which would match my big fat ass.

I have done relatively good though. I've been eating more healthy and exercising more, but still have no real weight loss to speak of. I'm sure it didn't help that I ran out of my thyroid medicine and didn't get it filled until over a week later. Nothing puts the kibosh on dropping pounds quite like an under active thyroid. But as far as actual pounds lost, it just hasn't happened.

Saturday Matthew and I did a bit of a juice fast. We stocked up Naked Juice and had that for breakfast and lunch, then did taco salad for dinner. Saturday afternoon we walked to an art festival in downtown Mobile. It was 1.3 miles each way, plus we walked around for about an hour so I figure I got in 3 miles of walking this weekend. I'll blog about the festival later.

I'd planned on doing the 30 Day Shred this week until I left for vacation on Thursday but in the last block home Saturday I twisted my ankle so now I will be taking it easy instead. I plan to do a butt load of walking up and down the beach in Puerto Vallarta and I'd rather not limp the entire time.

So that's it for the diet & exercise update. Now we're going to talk about something else.

Saturday afternoon as Matthew and I were getting ready to leave the Arts Alive festival to come back home we ran into two old friends of his from high school. The guys were twins, dressed alike. Apparently they were freshman when Matthew was a senior so that would make them 21(ish), still entirely too old to be matching. But that's just my opinion.

Anyway. They guys and Matthew were super excited to have run into each other and did the "OMG wow it's been forever, it's so good to see you, how've you been" thing. Matthew introduced me to them (as his girlfriend *giggle*) and they chatted for a few minutes more.

You may be wondering what in the world any of this has to do with Muffin Top(ple) Monday. Just stick with me, we'll get there.

There were lots of Awesome! and Super Great! going on from the twins. These two guys were way uber exuberant, to the point that it was making me uncomfortable and I was on the verge of telling Matthew we needed to get going. I don't believe I've ever seen any one person so intensely excited to see another person before in my life, much less two. They finally wrapped up and Matthew and I started walking home.

Well when we got a few blocks down the street I asked him, "uhh honey, what was wrong with those guys?".

He looked at me, confused. "What do you mean what's wrong with them?".

"Well, are they, like, you know, slow, or something? They way they were acting was just weird. Not... normal."

Turns out one of the guys was valedictorian of his senior class. They were super smart, super friendly and apparently always super excited about life.

I'll cut out the nasty parts, where I imitated *read - made fun of* his friends and he got pissed at me, and I ended up walking home alone and skip to the point of this post.

Something about the way those guys acted bothered me. And for some unknown reason I felt the uncontrollable need to imitate them. At the time I wasn't thinking of what I was doing as 'mocking' or 'making fun of' them, but in reality that is what I was doing and my honey, defender of humanity that he is, called me out on it. The result was not pretty.

I didn't consciously intend to make fun of his friends, and him calling me out on doing exactly that had the effect of making me feel like a big steaming pile of pewp. For years I've always gotten angry when I heard people making fun of someone for the way they looked, or dressed. Making fun of the mentally handicapped is sure to get me steamed and I will call you out on being an ass. So for him to call me out on an action that I so intensely disliked from others struck a nerve.

Then on the way home karma had her bitchy way with me and I tripped on an uneven piece of sidewalk and fell flat on my face, scratching my hands up and bruising my knee.

In spite of me being a total jerk, when I came in crying Matthew went right to the medicine cabinet and proceeded to gently doctor me up. Then he held me while I sobbed my little heart out because I felt awful about being a jerk. God has truly blessed me with this man.

So how in the world does this tie into Muffin Top(ple) Monday?

Let me tell you..

When I first signed up for Operation Muffin Top(ple), I was directed to this blog post. For the purposes of this post, I want you to scroll about 3/4 down the page and look at the picture of women who are exhibiting obvious signs of Muffin Top malady. I'll wait for you.

When I saw those pictures and read the post I reacted in two ways.

1. I thought - man someone should tell those poor girls they're wearing the wrong size.

2. I thought - people probably think the same thing when they see me.

What I didn't do, in spite of thinking how similar my full length photos look to those, is think how wrong it was. The incident this weekend brought me back to those photos. And THAT is where this all ties in together.

I'm not entirely certain what it was about those two guys that bothered me so much. I have no idea why I felt a need to make fun of them, however unintentionally, but what I do know is that poking fun at the expense of another is never ever EVER OK.

To be as huge as it is, the Internet can at times be a very very small place. What if those women blog? What if they happened across the blog where their photos are plastered all over a post as a 'motivation tool' to diet and exercise so you don't end up looking like them??

How would they feel? How would I feel? How would you feel?

I know I'd feel horrible. I may act all tough but my self-esteem is more often than not only a few flushes away from being in the crapper. Seeing my picture on a blog emphasizing how someone didn't want to end up looking would result in some pretty severe self-depreciation.

So what is it about things that make us uncomfortable in other people that lends to thinking it's ever ok to make fun of them? Now you may be saying "Aw come on Mollie, it was just an example, it's not like anyone is really getting picked on. It's not like those chics know their pictures are on the web being used as an example of why not to eat Twinkies".

But what if they did? And even if they don't and never do, so what. Why does that make it OK? It doesn't. I was so horribly disappointed in myself when I realized that regardless of what I thought I was doing, I actually was making fun of those guys. I can't stand those kinds of people, so to have it smack me square in the face that I was being one - not OK.

It all comes down to self-image. Those guys were super excited to see my boyfriend. But instead of being happy that my man is so fantastic that after not seeing him for four years someone would be that stoked to run into him, I was bothered by their exuberance. I am a fairly calm, mellow, laid back kind of person. My passions run deep, but they run deep quietly.

During our argument about my, to quote @iamdiddy, 'bitchassness' behavior Matthew made the comment "Well they're my friends and I accept them for who they are". So why couldn't I? I actually said something along the lines of "Well I just wouldn't be able to hang out with someone like that".

Like that?

Like what? Happy? Full of joy? Loud? Not normal?

Who the hell am I to say what's normal or not? Most people think I'm not normal because I play life so close to the vest and am usually entirely too serious. But that's just me. That's how I am. Loud and boisterous is how those guys are. Overweight and wearing too small shirts is, at least at that particular moment, how the women in those pictures were.

I think I've strayed a bit but the whole thing just really got me thinking.

"They're my friends and I accept them for who they are."

Is the reason we have such a hard time doing that to people who we view as odd, or different, or whatever kind of characteristic that stands out to us as not 'OK', because maybe we don't accept ourselves as who WE are so we point out the flaws in others to compensate?

It's definitely something to think about.

Someone who points out and pokes fun at the differences in people is not the kind of person I want to be.

When I told Matthew he shouldn't be with me, that he deserved someone better because I wasn't a good person, he said this - "You're as good as you want to be". Then he told me was with me because he WANTED to be, regardless of whether I thought he should be or not.

So I guess the next step is figuring out just how good of a person I want to be and start working on getting there. Then thank God each and every day for blessing me with such an incredibly wonderful man.

Muffin Top(ple) Monday

Yea yea I know it's Tuesday, but I wasn't feeling well yesterday and spent most of the day with my head under the covers so I'm playing catch up.

So I did great with the walking thing for 2 whole days. Then I woke up late one day and didn't have time to exercise before work and that's all she wrote.

It's amazing to me how easy it is to get OUT of shape and how incredibly little motivation or effort it takes, but how extremely difficult and time consuming it is to get IN shape. Personally I think it should be the other way around. Being in shape should just be the way of things, and you'd have to work really hard at getting fat and lazy. Once upon a time I could jog a mile with relative ease. And by relative ease I mean being slightly winded at the end but not doubled over gasping for breath, which is how you'd have found me after this morning's workout.

I got up at 6am and did day 1 of the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels.

Jillian Michaels, winning trainer on NBC's The Biggest Loser, helps you lose big – up to 20 pounds in 30 days! Her 30 Day Shred DVD includes three 20-minute circuit-training workouts that burn mega calories and build strong, lean muscle. Each level contains a 20-minute workout based on Jillian's exclusive 3-2-1 Strength/Cardio/Ab training circuit: 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of ab work. There's also a brief warm-up session and a cool down stretch. Follow Jillian's program for 30 days and you will see amazing results!

You can buy this DVD on her website for $10 or if you have Comcast, you can get it for free on OnDemand. I have Comcast. Yay Me.

I need to lose a lot of weight. Any toned muscle I once had has long since turned to flab so I figured just walking in place, however energetic the walking, probably wasn't going to get me the results I wanted. At least not in this decade.

So I decided to turn it up. The intensity of my work out that is. When I starting typing that sentence I was originally typing 'turn up the..' but couldn't figure out how to finish it. Changing the wording of the sentence didn't stop one of the cheesiest 80's songs of all time from popping into my head.

"Pump up the volume, pump up the volume, pump up the volume.
Dance! Dance!"

Sorry, I had to share the torture.

Moving on.

So I thought the 10 minute mile I did last week was a decent work out. It got my heart rate up, accelerated my breathing and I broke a little sweat doing it. Psh!

Half way through Jillian's 20min shred I was gasping for breath and holding on to whatever hope I could find that my arms wouldn't disconnect from my body, fall off and flop on the floor. Ole Girl Kicked. My. Ass.

After finishing the workout and peeling myself off the floor, I managed to roll up my yoga mat and drag my butt to the shower. Barely. I may or may not have fully bathed. I couldn't keep my eyes open and it took every bit of concentration I had to try and return my breathing to normal so I know I got wet and I know I got soapy but that's about all I recall of this morning's shower.

I knew I was out of shape, but damn. If the workout I got this morning is even half the crap she puts those tubbies through on The Biggest Loser no wonder they're dropping 10-15 pounds a week!

Her claim is you can lose up to 20lbs in 30 days by doing this workout program. I don't know much my arms weigh, but I imagine them falling off would be close to, if not a few pounds more than 20, so this video just might live up to it's promise.

The good news is - in spite of the piece of cake I had at my niece's birthday party slash Easter egg hunt and the brownie I had at Matthew's mom's Sunday evening, my scale says I've dropped just under 4lbs since Friday. And that was BEFORE I let Jillian beat me like Mommie Dearest. I'm going to do my best not to weigh again until Friday, but I imagine if I can keep up with the 30 Day Shred I'll have dropped a few pounds by then. Or at least an appendage.