Moving Forward by Taking a Step Back

Sometimes a sign of trouble in paradise is really just a
speed bump reminding you to slow down and enjoy the ride. ~Me

Yesterday Matthew and I reached a breaking point.

He'd called me like he does every morning so I can talk him through the drive home from work. He works nights and is often fairly exhausted by the time he gets off around 8:30am, so talking gives him something to focus on so he doesn't nod off while driving.

That call, like most conversations we've had the last few weeks ended up in an argument. It was silly and stupid and over nothing of any importance, which is why it was so upsetting to me. After ten minutes of trying to steer the conversation back to calmer ground I gave in and hung up on him. Sitting at my desk, crying, I realized that the time may have come to make a decision I'd been dreading for weeks, the decision that we really were just not meant to be together, that being in a relationship was killing the beautiful friendship we used to have.

I sent him a text and asked him to please not go to bed yet, that as soon as I finished up some work I was coming home. We needed to talk. He said OK. My boss had stepped out of the office so I dropped him a quick e-mail saying I had an emergency at home and had to go. Not entirely true, but not completely false either. The rest of my life was about to change and that seemed pretty important to me.

During my drive home I thought of all the things Matthew had brought to my life, all the changes I'd made as a person as a result of knowing him. I thought of what it meant to be with him, and what it would mean to be without him and as bad as things had been lately the thought of not having him in my life just took my breath away.

I got home, went into our room and sat on the bed. I'd cried all the way home and was still crying once I got there. He came in and sat next to me and for the next ten minutes that's all we did. Then he pulled me into his arms and I fell apart.

Through sobs and hiccoughs, I told him that as much as I loved him and knew he loved me something had to change. I told him that I thought that it might be best if we went back to just being friends, but I was too selfish to make that decision for us. I told him that having him in my life was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but lately all we did was argue and I just couldn't live that way anymore. I told him that where we once communicated so well, now we could hardly even talk without arguing. I told him that the thought us possibly breaking up was tearing my heart in two, but the way we were going, we'd end up not even being friends and that was just not acceptable.

We talked, we argued, I cried, Matthew sighed and when it was all over we'd finally communicated in a way we'd needed to be doing for months.

He was my best friend before we started dating, and in my inexperience, I expected him to somehow become 'more' when we became a couple. I'd loved him for just who he was before we got together, but when the friendship evolved into a relationship I thought somehow he should change.

Why? I can't really say. I know I sound like a broken record but not having ever been in a normal relationship has really put me at a huge disadvantage and growing up reading Danielle Steel novels has left a very unrealistic image in my head of what a relationship should be like.

And part of the problem was, he did change. He felt that I wanted 'more' from him and it left him feeling like I didn't think he was good enough. So he expended all of his energy trying to become what he thought I wanted from him, and in doing so lost the guy I fell in love with. The more he changed, the less I liked who he was, and the less happy I was the more he tried to change to make me happy. It became a viscous circle of me not being happy, him trying to make me happy, and his changes making me less happy, leaving him feeling more and more like he just wasn't enough, and the more he changed, the more I missed the person he was when we met. This was a monster I created and I didn't even know it.

On top of that we've both been under a great deal more stress the last several weeks than we usually are and without any other type of outlet, we ended up taking it out on each other. Money has been really really tight lately and you don't have to be a genius to know that financial issues are the number one killer of relationships. Add to that taking in the stray cat has left us with not only her, tracking food and litter everywhere, which drives this OCD clean freak insane, but four rambunctious kittens peeing and pooing every where but the litter box and draining finances even more with the increased need for food, litter and cleaning supplies. To make that worse, all of the shelters, kill and no-kill are full and we've had no luck finding new homes for them, so for the indefinite future we're stuck with 5 cats. And as someone who doesn't really like cats and hates fur and litter being everywhere, I can't even begin to tell you the stress that's brought me.

Being stressed, angry, hurt and generally frustrated for so long has taken a drastic tole on our levels of communication. When we first met we would sit and talk for hours about everything under the sun. Now, aside from niceties and required conversation we rarely speak to each other. And again, the mess I mentioned before has also had a lot to do with that.

Before Matthew and I decided to date we'd already planned on him moving in as a roommate. And even though I mean roommate in the literal sense of the word, it really was just going to be two friends living together. We were just going to happen to share a bed because my extra room was already occupied. That may sound odd but he'd already stayed the night a few times - as a friend - with nothing happening but sleeping and it worked great for us.

So we already lived together when we decided to start dating. Now I can imagine some of you going "Oh girl, that was your first mistake", but I don't think so. The real problem with living together and dating, was that the only other time I'd lived with a guy I was in a relationship with, we were engaged, and in every way but paper we lived as a married couple. So when Matthew and I decided to take our friendship to the next level I automatically slipped back into that role. I became Mollie Homemaker with someone who wasn't quite ready to make house.

To make an already long story short, we realized that we moved too fast. Matthew has never lived with anyone he was in a relationship with and I'd only lived with someone I was for all intents and purposes married to, and we didn't take the time to find a middle ground before getting together. So we're not breaking up, but we are backing off. Taking time to find a common ground for both of us where we're together but still living our own separate lives.

School starting back will help because I'll be gone from morning to late evening on days I have class, which will give Matthew some personal time, and help me not miss him so much when we're not together, because I won't be home sitting by myself while he's asleep in the next room. I'll also be doing personal training a few nights a week which will get me out of the house and give me some time to focus on me, which I don't do nearly enough.

It's strange, but once we talked everything through and realized what our problems were and what we needed to do to fix them the air around us just seemed to lighten and the happy couple we started out as found their way back. We spent the rest of the evening laughing and cutting up like we used to do. We were happy.

As for the "something is not right" feeling in my gut, it's abated and now my heart, head and gut are all filled with a warm happiness. What tomorrow will bring remains to be seen, but we know that we love each other and for today, that's enough.

The Half Way Mark

Today is my and Matthew's six month anniversary. We decided to try dating and see if we could evolve our friendship into something more back in January of this year, but it was on March 22nd that we officially decided to become a 'couple'.

I know normally anniversaries are counted in years rather than months, but as someone who's only had one previous boyfriend in her life, each month of being in a new loving committed relationship is a milestone. I told Matthew that we'd honor the day we became a couple each month until the 6th month, then we could move to yearly celebrations.

In light of my recent conundrum, the half-way mark has dual meanings. It marks six months into a loving healthy relationship, which is a first for me. It's also half way through the year I said I'd give us, give myself to figure out if being with Matthew is really what is right for us, for me.

When Matthew and I first met and started talking as friends, he was really good at giving me an unbiased outside view on my life. If I was stressed out about something he would give me his take on the situation and it usually helped me see things in a way I'd not previously been seeing, and it almost always helped me work through whatever issue I was dealing with. On the way home from Mississippi Saturday night I asked him if he thought he could possibly separate himself from our situation and be able to give me that same insight he did when we first met.

After taking a moment to think about he said yes, that he thought he could. So I asked him why he thought I was having such a hard time with deciding if we should be together or not, if we were together because what we had was 'right' rather than just comfortable.

In typical fashion before letting him answer I butted in and went on to tell him that I was afraid. What if I decided to stay together and spent the next 30 or 40 years loving him but always wishing things were a little bit more?. He is totally happy being together and my feeling that way would be completely unfair to both of us. What if I decided we should just be friends and then later realized that what we had was really what I'd wanted all along and it was too late to go back?

I'd talked to my mom the day before about how I was feeling and she asked me if other than the worrying about if he was 'the right one' or not was I happy, and if so then maybe I should just stop worrying about what I should or shouldn't do and just be happy now. I also shared this with Matthew.

He smiled and said "I think you just answered your own question. If you'd stop for a minute to think before asking, you'd realize that you usually already know the answer" What he asked me next took me aback a little. "Mollie, how much of your life has been happy?"

I just kind of snorted and cocked my eyebrow at him. My life didn't suck, but it hasn't really been that fantastic either. Looking back there are honestly very very few moments in my life that I can truly say were happy. I was a troubled child who hid feeling like an outsider by focusing on school and sports. I never had a close relationship with either of my parents and although we got along well, there was a large enough age gap between my siblings and I that we were never really on the same level. My brother and sister are 3 years apart and were always very close. They still are. I'm 7 years older than my sister and 10 yrs older than my brother so growing up I was more the baby sitter than best friend. I had a few friends in school, but always felt more the confidante than confider.

Matthew then went on to say that it could quite possibly be that worrying about him being the one or not isn't the problem at all, that the idea of being happy is what I'm having so much trouble with. As much as I want to be happy, being unhappy is where my comfort level is, it's what I'm used to, what I've always known. I've never really been truly happy and the idea that actually feeling like my life is finally OK, that I'm OK is out of the realm of possibility.

As with the article in my previous post that made the point that you can either have comfort or blazing passion, but very very rarely does anyone find both, I'd love to say his point made a light bulb of realization go off in my head, but all I feel is more confusion.

I'll fully admit that his theory has merit and is quite possibly part of the problem, just as I'll admit that my unwillingness to believe you have to concede passion for comfort is also a part, but even with those things being realized as issues there is still something else. Something I can't quite grasp hold of. Something that is stopping me from either letting myself go and enjoying what we have, or letting him go and us both move on.

Some people have told me - listen to your gut, it's always right. Some have said listen to your brain - it's more rational. Some have said - listen to your heart - it knows what you truly want. The problem is they all tell me something different.

My heart says - he loves me, and I love him. He treats me well and makes me happy. He makes me laugh and never fails to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am. It says you have passionate moments here and there, even if they're not quite what you'd like them to be. It says maybe those things can truly be enough, that being in love will come... eventually.

My head says - he's a good guy, he's got a steady job, he loves you for who you are. It says you got a good one, now stop being stupid and leave well enough alone. It says you were single for 24 years and spent 3 years being in love with an unstable ass and look what it got you. Then you were alone for 5 years before you finally got the balls to try and date. Do you really want to go through all that again? What if you screw this up and never find anyone who will love you the way he does, who will put up with your OCD issues and control freak crap?

My gut says - something isn't right.

So who do I listen to? Or do I listen to any of them at all?

I wish I knew, but I don't. What I do know is that I cry over this almost daily and something has got to give, and soon.

Passion Vs. Comfort: Do You Have to Have Fireworks to Have a Successful Relationship?

A friend who's recently been in a similar situation as the one I mentioned in my last post recommended this article Passion Vs. Comfort: Do You Have to Have Fireworks to Have a Successful Relationship?. It really says a lot and I wish I could say it made a light bulb flash in my head and led me to an instant decision I felt great about but that would be too easy. What I can say is that it's given me a little more to think about and maybe a different perspective to think about it from.

Here's an excerpt - you can click the link above, or below to go to the whole article.

Passion vs. Comfort. This is a post you don’t want to miss, inspired by a discussion on my (500) Days of Summer thread. Here’s the gist of it. Reader Lori writes:

I have been with a man who loves me, and has loved me, as close as one can get to unconditionally for over 13 yrs…. I was never totally madly in love with him, but he knew he wanted to marry me the minute he met me. I married him – BECAUSE he was a great guy in so many ways, minus the sky illuminating fireworks. Don’t get me wrong, intimate moments were always adequate…even pretty damn good at times. But never, well, you know…crazy great. Almost fourteen years later, I remain married and faithful, but with an empty space in my heart. And wondering if I aspired to mediocrity and lost out on the amazing feeling most of us have felt at some time, of true selfless love. I love him….but I’m not ‘in love’ with him. And that is what has happened to EACH AND EVERY married friend I have, (male and female) that married simply because of the reasons you mention… many have strayed, the others are simply living there…yet nobody’s home.

Everyone I know that married because the partner seemed a great choice, would be a great dad, etc. ended up divorced or unhappy. The FEW couples I know who are happily married – still love to hold hands AND ‘make-out’ – THEY married someone they felt intense chemistry for & vice versa…and of EVERY one of the divorced friends, several who are dating but have not found love, only ONE tells me she made the wrong choice leaving. The rest say they would rather be alone, than with someone and lonely.

Please know, I am not a cynic. I have SEEN & BELIEVE IN great love & marriage, but it SHOULD NOT BE treated as a business decision – it sounds great in theory – but it just brings way too much misery for way to many down the road – you better be pretty damn sure you wanna come home to this person, sleep with this person, and walk on the beach holding hands with this person 50 yrs later…because divorce.. from what I have seen… hurts. And living in quiet desperation…hurts.

Listen, I’m a 37-year-old dating coach who’s been married for less than a year. As such, I’m not going to sweep Lori’s points under the rug or deny her 13 years of pain. She feels what she feels, she’s seen what she’s seen, and it’s perfectly valid. In fact, it’s very persuasive.

However, without negating Lori’s take on things, I’d like to try to balance it out a bit. Because if you take as gospel what she says – “passion or bust!” – you might have a long and lonely road ahead of you. And I’d rather you have a happy relationship instead.... Page 2

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Hodge Podge

I've said it once and I'm apparently in need of saying it again.

I've been a bad bad blogger.

I realized yesterday that I've not really blogged much lately, and what I have blogged has mostly been the Operation Muffin Top(ple) stuff - re my attempts and failures at losing weight.

There's been a lot going on in my life and I suppose the reason I've not blogged about it is because blogging is kind of like my journal. If I don't write it in my journal (blog about it) then it's not really an issue and I don't have to deal with it.

But you can only escape life for so long so this is going to be a mish mash of catching up on everything that's been going on.

~> Operation Muffin Top(ple)/Raw Diet update - not much to report on this end. Matthew and I totally fell off the wagon last weekend. We had Mexican Friday night, which wouldn't be terribly bad except we ate as much as we would have several weeks ago and that "full" feeling left us feeling sick. Then we had Wendy's Sat and Sunday evening. I realized that your body quickly adapts to eating healthily and quickly lets you know it doesn't like it when you convert back to eating junk, so I had granola cereal with rice milk this morning and am currently eating a lunch of grapes, strawberries, carrots and celery with peanut butter.

~> Family - Nothing terribly exciting on this front either. My mom is currenly sewing costumes for Matthew and I for the upcoming Renaissance Faire in November. It will be the first either of us have gone to and we're pretty excited. My dress is the one on the left in the picture. I'm using different color material though so it will look slightly different.

Matthew's costume is a combination of a few patterns but basically he'll look a little like Aragon in Lord of the Rings. He'll have a tunic, jerkin, wrist cuffs, trousers and boots. Maybe a cape, we'll see.

The nieces are good as always. Paisley is growing so fast and looking more beautiful each time I see her and Marley is still smart as a whip and full of more energy than any one child should have. We're going to MS Friday night to stay over and visit with the girls and check out the progress on our costumes.

~> Kitties - Back in July a stray cat wandered up on the porch of our apartment building and kind of adopted Matthew and me. Against my better judgment we ended up taking her in and she ended up being pregnant. Now we have four 5-week old kittens running amock in the apartment. They've just started eating hard food and are learning to use the litter box. Some of them are doing well with both, some prefer the floor to the box and leave us lovely little piddle puddle surprises to find.

I'm not a cat person. I've never been a cat person and I'm not likely to ever become a cat person. When I lived in Michigan I got talked into adopting two kittens from a lady I went to church with and while I loved those kitties dearly, the stress of dealing with cat hair and scattered litter ended up turning my boys into more of a stress than a joy and I re-homed them both to the same lady. They now live terribly spoiled lives in the lap of kitty luxury.

Matthew wants to keep one of the kittens. I do not. Since bringing in Scathath (the stray) I've pretty much stressed non-stop about the little she spreads everywhere, the smell her poo leaves lingering throughout the apartment (even after scooping!), how she scatters her food all over the kitchen floor when she eats, and the massive amounts of dust and cat hair that seem to be everywhere now. Not to mention the new holes she's put in my leather furniture.

When a pet brings more stress into a home than joy then it's not a good idea to have it. So, as sad as it makes him, Matthew has agreed that it's best to put the mom and all 4 kitties up for adoption. Next week they'll be 6 weeks old and we're taking them to the no-kill shelter.

~> Matthew - now we get to the crux of my blogging avoidance. Not Matthew himself, he's still as wonderful as ever. I mean the guy will go to Dollar Tree with me just so I can play.
The problem is with me. If you've read my blog for any length of time you'll recall that aside from Matthew, I've only ever been in one relationship. From the age of 25-28 I was with the man who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. We were engaged. Twice. In the end he didn't want to grow up and I didn't want to spend my life raising a grown man so we parted ways.

For the next 5 years I was single. And when I say single I mean SINGLE. No dating, no flirting, no casual sexual encounters. Other than family and co-workers there was absolutely zero male interaction in my life. Last year around July I decided to change that and for the very first time in my 32 years, entered the world of dating. It was a combination of being tired of being alone, and sick of hearing my family ask me when I was going to 'find a good man' that finally prodded me into signing up on a couple of online dating sites. I chatted with a few guys here and there, but none struck my interest enough to actually meet until PT. Long story short, he was young, flirted well, I fell for it, got hurt and he moved to Japan. If you want the long story long - well you can read all about it here.

While the PT debacle was going on I met Matthew. He'd messaged me on OKCupid and seemed like a nice enough guy, if not someone I'd be into dating. We met, went out here and there as friends, but as time went by I found myself wondering what it would be like to be more. Cut to today - we live together and are going to be celebrating our six month anniversary on the 22nd of this month - next Tuesday.

I really can't say enough good things about this man. He's changed my life in ways I didn't know possible. I've become a better, stronger woman as a result of his love and support and for the first time in years started believing dreams were more than just things that disturbed your sleep at night. He's kind, hellishly smart and makes me laugh at least once a day. So what's the problem?

Like I said before - the problem is me. Matthew loves me, and has recently admitted that not only does he love me, but he is falling in love with me. He's asked me my ring size and recently talked about the idea of buying a home together in the future. He treats me better than anyone I've ever known and truly loves and accepts me for who I am. And although it's not as often as I'd like we have a fairly fantastic sex life. Yet in spite of all that I find myself wondering if he's the one. I find myself alternating between feelings of romantic love for him, and the love you'd have for a best friend. I find myself wondering what it would be like to flirt back with guys who flirt with me. I find myself knowing that I love him with all my heart, but being unsure that I'll ever fall in love with him.

We've talked about all of this at length, repeatedly, and of course as with every thing else, he's been wonderful and understanding. He says they're all normal feelings and that I'm only having such a hard time with them is because the one and only other relationship I've ever been in was about as far from normal and healthy as you can get so I don't realize that what I'm feeling is what all people feel when in a new relationship.

When I was with my ex-fiance he was my world. I never had any doubt what-so-ever that I loved him, was in love with him and wanted to be with him forever. I never so much as looked at other guys, much less wondered what it would be like to go on a date with someone else. I was also young and naive, and he was incredibly manipulative. I loved the person I saw on the inside, the person I saw that he could be, were he to actually try and he knew how to take that love and use it to his advantage. He knew how to cater to my insecurities, then use them to keep me under heel. Matthew thinks I was in a word, brain washed. Not like the 'I'm going to kill myself in a mass suicide because God is coming soon' brain washed, but manipulated to the point that I didn't realize things were supposed to be a different way. I don't completely discount that theory, but even knowing how much I let him break me down part of me still would like to think I was strong enough to have known what I was doing and had done so willingly.

So this is where I am - wondering if I'm staying with Matthew because I love what we have and don't want to be alone again, or because I actually love him in the way I'm supposed to. Fearing that I'm hanging on to something I know isn't right to avoid hurting us both and possibly losing the best friend I've ever had, yet afraid to break up because part of me thinks it might just all be my over-active imagination analyzing things into the ground that need no analyzing and that as soon as I end it, I'll realize I truly am in love and then it will be too late.


There are things that I want in a relationship that we don't have, but I don't know if those things are really important. I love music and dancing. Matthew likes music and is so white Carlton from Fresh Prince could learn a thing or two from him. I LOVE sports and going to ball games. Matthew loves sports but only goes to the game because he knows I enjoy it. We have interests that are the same but there are things I'm passionate about that just really aren't his thing and vice verse. He says it's normal, that you don't have to have everything in common, and I partly agree, but the person you spend your life with should be able to understand your deepest passions because they share them too.

Have you ever gone to an event with someone who only went because you asked, then spent the entire time not having as much fun as you could have because you knew they didn't really care to be there? That's the stuff I'm talking about - to know that I'll never dance with the man I love - fluidly - or never have him sit next to me at a game and cheer along with me are things that I'm not sure I can do without. They may seem like small things, but if you're with someone who shares your passion for something, imagine how it would be if they didn't. Imagine how your joy would be tainted because you can't share something you love with the person you love most - because they love it too.

Then there's the other guys thing. Last night we went out to eat and there were two guys in a truck next to us that were trying to flirt with me, and they were cute. Matthew is sitting next to me in the car but some part of me still wished I could have flirted back. Then when we got to the restaurant our waiter was really cute and part of my brain thought 'if I were with someone else I could flirt with him'. Matthew says it's normal to still think other people are attractive - what matters is whether or not you act on it. I think if you're with the person you're supposed to be with the temptation shouldn't even be there. So it makes me wonder.. is it really normal.. or am I with someone who should really just be a friend?

I'm pretty sure I've lost the smooth subject to subject transition this post started out with, but it's just really been something that's been weighing heavily on my heart and mind for some time now and I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. I told Matthew that I'd give us time to see how things went and I still plan on doing that, but I thought having made a decision on what to do would take away the anxiety of not knowing what to do and it hasn't.

And that he's being so incredibly patient and understanding about all of this makes me feel even worse. He knows he loves me. He knows he wants to be with me. He knows I'm the one he wants. And I'm basically taking all of that love and telling him I'm not sure it's enough. It's not fair to him and I hate it, but I don't know what else to do. So if you've ever been in a situation like this please comment. No matter how your situation turned out or what decision you made, just knowing that this really is all normal and I'm not just a freak who has no idea how to be in a relationship would be a huge relief.

Until next time...

Love means....

...never having to say you're sorry.

Does it now?

"Love means never having to say you're sorry." is a line from the novel of the same name and from the 1970's film Love Story.

Matthew (The Editor) and I had our first real disagreement since being an official couple last week and it got me to thinking.

First of all - I say disagreement rather than fight because I don't believe anything is ever really a 'fight' unless you want it to be. Matthew and I are both rather intelligent (him more so than I) individuals with a very strong hold on what we believe and for the most part our thoughts and beliefs are very similar. However, when we do come across a topic we don't see eye to eye on we can tend to get rather passionate and well, OK let's just be blunt here, we can both be pushy jerks about getting our personal views across to the other person. And respect can sometimes get lost in the heat of the dispute.

This happened in our disagreement. I guess argument could be an accurate description as well. I admit I wasn't always this way, and occasionally am still not, but over the years I've come to the realization that everyone is not going to think like me. I know, who'd have thunk? Along with that realization has also come the maturation of my ability to respect others even when we don't see eye to eye. I have, you could say, developed the ability to be ok with 'agreeing to disagree'. My honey on the other hand, while he's much more mature than me in many other areas, is somewhat lacking that same ability.

It started from a conversation about Lam Loung, the man who threw his four small children off of the Dauphin Island Bridge last year. He was found guilty and jurors were deliberating to determine his sentencing. Life in prison or the death penalty.

I personally am against the death penalty. I do not believe that any human has the right to take the life of another. The only exception I would make to this is in an extreme case of self defense. God is the giver of life. God is the only One who has the right to take it away. That is my personal belief on that topic.

Matthew believes in a more Karmic view. Yes God gave life, but the Bible says that if you take the life of another then you forfeit your life at the hands of man as well. You take the life of someone, you are in effect putting into motion the end of your life as a result.

The first mention of capital punishment as a penalty for murder is in Genesis 9:6:

"Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed: for in the image of God made he man." (KJV)

Numbers 35:31 states:

"... you shall take no ransom for the life of a murderer who is guilty of death, but he shall surely be put to death."


And that's all find and dandy, but it's not my personal feeling or belief. Yes I believe in God, yes I read and follow the Bible, but on this particular subject, my heart leads me in another direction.

So the conversation started getting a bit passionate and I could tell that it was headed nowhere fast so I told Matthew, "OK, I understand how you feel, and I respect that. I don't feel the same. We'll just have to agree to disagree on this particular subject"

He didn't agree, or agree to disagree and he continued to push his view to the point that it became disrespectful. He got angry, eh frustrated may be a better word, and I got upset.

We both calmed down later and I expressed how I felt, that by refusing to accept my view and respecting that it was not the same as his, that he'd disrespected me. He said he was sorry for upsetting me and we moved on.

Now I want you to reread that last sentence because it is the real reason for this post.

He said he was sorry for upsetting me and we moved on.

He was sorry that something he did upset me. Not that he did something wrong.

Please note that the next day he did come over and very very humbly said he realized that he'd been a bit of an ass and that he owed me a very big apology, which I very happily accepted.

But it got me thinking.

Saying you're sorry.

If you honestly don't think you did something wrong, but are honestly sorry that someone was upset as a result of your actions does the sorry mean the same thing as apologizing for the actions themselves?

Does "I'm Sorry" carry the same weight if the person really doesn't think they did anything to be sorry for or are they basically apologizing for you taking something the wrong way? Even if you didn't. Even if they really were wrong.

Now this isn't a slight against Matthew in any way, shape or form. This is not a 'my boyfriend was a jerk so I'm going to complain about it' post. We rarely disagree and when we do, we're normally very skilled at verbalizing ourselves in a way that gets the point across to both parties without any sleight occurring. It's simply a question, an expression of a thought brought on by a rare instance where we didn't communicate quite so well.

So what do you think? How do you like your 'sorrys'? Does it matter what the apology is for as long as it's sincerely heart-felt, or is it important to you that the other person really see the 'wrong' they've done and are sorry for that?

For me... a heart-felt apology for hurting my feelings carries a lot of weight, but ultimately I want the sorry to be for the action that did the hurting. Although ideally it would be for both.

So for my love and I... it may not need to be said often, but love doesn't mean we'll never say "I'm sorry".

Come and knock on our door.....

We've been waiting for you......
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too.

Except in this case it's his and his and hers, and one of those his and hers is an ours.

**edit**

**After I wrote this and went back and proof-read it I realized that last sentence may be a bit confusing. I have a guy roommate, so that's where the other 'his' comes in. He's just a roommate, older, and has a girlfriend lol so the only his and hers kissing going on is between Matthew and me. :-) **

Last week I posted about feeling, in spite of how wonderful Matthew is and how great things were between us, that something was missing in our relationship.

And back in February I wrote about how, although for all intents and purposes Matthew and I were together, we were actually not a 'couple'. I explained that due to events yet to come, we'd decided it just wasn't in the best interest of either of us to plunge full steam ahead into a 'relationship'. I've not yet talked about those events, and today won't be the day for that either, but despair not, that post is in the near future.

Well shortly before the post about feeling something was missing, I'd had a talk with Matthew and explained how I felt. Then I let him read the post. I told him that even though things were great, he was great, we were great, it just wasn't enough for me. I was no longer ok with 'being together', but not really 'being together'. If you just got confused.. well imagine how I've been feeling.

It's hard to explain our inital decision without talking about the future events, but there is a reason I'm holding off on that post so just try to bare with me. If you didn't know that we weren't an official 'couple' and saw us in public you'd think we were together. We're affectionate with each other, he calls me hon or baby and I do the same. He sleeps over at my apartment, we for all intents and purposes act like a couple. Yet we weren't. Our 'relationship' had all the bells and whistles of 'being together' but we weren't together. My profiles said single, as did his. If someone asked we were 'seeing someone' but not in a committed relationship. He was not my 'boyfriend', nor I his 'girlfriend'.

This was a mutual decision between us. One I thought I'd be ok with, and I was... for a while. But that changed. So we talked, and I told him I needed him to decide - what did I mean to him, to what extent did he really want me in his life and how much risk (future events related) was he willing to take to have me there. Or did he just want to try and go back to really being 'just friends'. I needed things to either be one way or the other. The balancing act between acting like we were together but not really being together just wasn't something I could do anymore.

To say I was nervous, scared, anxious about what his answer would be is putting it mildly. I was terrified. What if he just decided it wasn't worth the risk - to either of us - to go ahead and really be together? What if he just wanted to go back to being friends? Could I do that? Could he?

Well Sunday morning he said he had something to tell me - but was nervous and wasn't sure how I'd take it. Sounds ominous I know. But as always, I worried for nothing, and I'll just say this - my face is starting to hurt from smiling so much.

We are now officially a couple. He IS my boyfriend. *giggles* and I his girlfriend. We are together, and I've never been more happy.

It wasn't the little things he didn't do that made me feel like something was missing. It was that we were walking a tight-rope between being together and not being together and I'd started feeling like I was about to lose my balance. I needed the complete commitment from him that I was who he wanted in his life, who he wanted to be with and now that I have that the 'little things that bothered me' just seemed to kind of fade away.



Oh yea, there's one more thing....


He's moving in. :-)

Diggin' up bones...

I'm diggin up bones, I'm diggin up bones
Exhuming things that's better left alone
I'm resurrecting memories of a love that's dead and gone
Yeah tonight I'm sittin alone diggin up bones

Lyrics to 'Diggin Up Bones' by Randy Travis

Relationships.

Every person has things they want, ideas that they envision for the perfect relationship.

Wants, needs, desires.

Well what happens then the wants, needs and desires of one person in a relationship don't quite match up with those of the other?

Every person is different. Each person has their own type of 'love language'.

Some are very affectionate, showering their significant other with hugs and kisses before they leave for the day and when they come in from work. Others are ok with a 'see you later babe' and aren't overly big on the touchy feely stuff.

Some feel that saying 'I love you' is an automatic ending for every phone call. Others, not so much, feeling that 'well they know I love them, I've told them before, why do I need to say it over and over?'.

Some think it's important to do 'little things to show I care', like picking up a smiley face cookie on the way home, just because you know it will bring a smile to your loved one's face. Or sending a text just to say "Hey, I was thinking about you, how's your day". Others feel that those things shouldn't really be needed if the other person really knows you love them.

I am the first in all of those scenarios. Matthew is the second.

It's not that he doesn't show his affection. He does. If I'm on the computer, or cooking he'll come up behind me and rub my shoulders, or tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss my head. When we're cuddling, watching a movie he'll squeeze my arm or hand. He does kiss me when he leaves and when he comes in, eventually.

So why do I still feel like something is missing? I do love him with all of my heart and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me, but sometimes.. it just doesn't feel like that is enough.

Diggin' up bones....

I've only ever been in one real relationship. My ex-fiance and I were together for three years and our relationship was dysfunctional at best. Yes there were some bad times, really bad times, but the good times.. when they were good, they were so so very good. Great even. Lazeras was very affectionate. All. the. time. He was a master at manipulation of every kind; mental, emotional, physical. He loved for me to take care of him as well as care for him. He loved the attention I gave him and knew that giving attention in return was the best way to keep that happening. He knew I was vulnerable and naive and longing to be loved, so he loved me - the way he wanted to and knew that I had no way of knowing it wasn't the right way to love, the way I deserved to be loved.

And yet I find myself making comparisons.

People who have been in multiple relationships have experiences to use as a 'gauge' for what works, what doesn't, what they do and don't like, what they expect from a relationship. I have one. And as far as model examples, it's definitely not one that should be used to compare. But it's all I have. And so I compare.

I find myself thinking, well Lazeras did this so why doesn't Matthew. Lazeras loved me so he acted like such and such, but Matthew doesn't do that so maybe he doesn't love me as much? Even though I KNOW that Lazeras' 'love' wasn't healthy, or normal by any means. Even though I KNOW Matthew loves and respects me in a way no one ever has. I compare.

I find myself feeling un-needed because he can go half the day without texting me. It doesn't matter that I know he's busy at work and isn't supposed to text. I find myself feeling un-wanted because he doesn't linger on the phone at night, even though I know he's exhausted and needs to get to bed. I find myself feeling un-loved because he doesn't verbally say 'come sit next to me' when we're getting ready to watch a movie. Even though he's told me - unless I say otherwise, of course I want you next to me.

I've had an emotionally passionate relationship and while at times it was absolute bliss, it was a text-book example of everything a healthy stable relationship isn't. So now that I am in a healthy, loving, stable, positive relationship why do I find myself feeling like it's not enough?

Is passion something that has to be in a relationship for it to work? Now don't get to thinking I'm talking about sex. There is definitely no lack of passion in our sex life - when we have it. I say that but our work schedules really do make it a bit difficult to fit in all the lovin' I'd like to be having and sometimes fun simply must be sacrificed for the health benefits of sleep. Moving on...

So anyway.. I find myself at a crux. How can I stop comparing this man that loves me and the way he loves me to the only other romantic 'love' I've known? Is there really something missing or is it just me? Should I be happy with the way things are or admit that if it was 'right' then I wouldn't feel like I needed more.

My ex-fiance was my world. When we broke up I literally thought I was going to die. I felt like I was dying without him. I wanted to die without him. With Matthew, if anything were ever to happen and we weren't in each other's lives anymore I would be devastated.. but I know that eventually I would be OK. And I know that is definitely the more healthy view of the two, but I can't help but want to feel like he'd be lost without me.

No one should ever become so much to you that you'd be unable to cope if they were to leave. It's just not healthy. In all of the self-improvement work I've been doing one point that is focal in every book I've read is that we must learn to be completely happy, healthy and whole within ourselves. We need to get to a place where we can say "I love ME, I'm happy being ME and only ME". I don't need another person to complete me, I don't need someone else's love or approval to be OK with myself. So I know in my mind that the way things are between us... is for all intents and purposes healthy. Yet my heart longs for more...

So what do you do?

Do you take the good and be grateful for it and try to let the little stuff not matter so much, or do you say we'd be better off friends because I want more from the man in my life and you're just not giving it to me?

Is the more I want really important? Does it matter that much to feel like a priority? Should I really want him to feel that way? Should I really feel that way about him? Or is love really only a deep binding friendship with a few romantic moments sprinkled in?

I wish I knew the answers....

Moving along...

His and her

...shelves in the bathroom medicine cabinet

.......sides of the bed

..........clothes in the same closet

Changes are a'comin' and I couldn't be happier :-)

A rose by any other name...

Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

I've been trying to avoid blogging about this particular issue for a while now. One, I think that it doesn't matter how I try to explain it, it's still not going to make sense to anyone but The Editor and me, and two - well because I don't really want it to be this way. But it seems the universe has decided it's time to suck it up and get to writing so here goes...


I got this friend request on Myspace today - this is a picture of the screen I took with my phone - and yes it is real.

Aside from the terrible spelling and the fact that well - the guy is just not my type, the main thing some of you may find wrong with this picture is the part that says (or attempts to say) 'I am single too'. This would be wrong because for ol' Zachary there to be single too, it would seemingly insinuate that I am single as well, and if you've been keeping up with my life as of late you'd know that wasn't true.

Or is it?

Talking to someone, dating, seeing each other, exclusive, boyfriend & girlfriend...

These are all labels applied to the process that is starting and or being in a relationship. From the sound of how things are between The Editor and I, it would be a natural progression to assume that I would fall into one of the last three categories.

So why would this guy think I was single?

Most likely because my Myspace profile says I am, as does my Facebook.

Why, if I am in such a wonderful loving relationship with an incredible guy who treats me better than I ever imagined possible would I not say so? Why would I not go into my account settings and click the little box that says 'in a relationship' instead of leaving the box that says single checked? Why wouldn't Matthew do the same?

Because although for all intents, purposes and appearances what The Editor and I have is a loving committed relationship we are in fact not 'together'.

We aren't seeing anyone else, he stays the night, has a key to my place, we call each other baby and honey, he throws my clothes in with his when he does his laundry at my place on our regularly scheduled dinner and movie night, we love each other (love, not IN love) and if asked out or approached by someone both he and I will say that we are talking to or seeing someone, but we are not 'boyfriend & girlfriend', we are not a 'couple'.

Why?

The why is another post for another day, but I will at least give you this much, there are circumstances and future events to come that have led us both to believe that allowing ourselves to just fall willy nilly head over heels in love with each other would not be the best thing for either of us. But we do have 'romantic feelings' for one another, we do care for each other, we do in fact love one another very much, so why not just be together? Again.. another post for another day.

But as Juliet said...

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

So seeing each other, dating, in a relationship, boyfriend & girlfriend... regardless of the label attached to what we have, he and I both know it is very special.. and very very real.

Time after time...

Yesterday I logged on Facebook and did a haphazard scan of peoples updates and status changes - like usual, not really paying any particular attention - like usual.

Then my eye caught an update that stopped the air in my lungs mid-breath.


PT is in a relationship with a girl in Okinawa.


He's been in Japan for 7 weeks and he's already seeing someone.


I sat at my desk for a good 2 hours wiping away silent tears that just refused to stop falling. My boss would come by my office every so often and I'd pretend to look in my filing cabinet for something so he couldn't see my face.

The ache in my chest came as a surprise. I mean I knew I still cared about him, still wished things had turned out differently, and in some deep secret place, maybe hoped they still would - but I'd said goodbye, I'd started seeing someone new, I hadn't talked to PT in probably three weeks - so why did it still hurt so bad?

Because him being in a relationship with someone else meant- it wasn't a 'relationship' that he didn't want - it was me.

Up until the week he left he was still all "It's not you, I really like you, I'm just not ready for a relationship". He wanted to finish school first, he wanted to be in a steady job, he wanted to be able to 'take care of' someone he was in a relationship with and he wasn't ready or in a position to do that right now. Yet in less than 2 months he all of a sudden is?

He's only just started school this month, he's not working other than helping around at the church where his dad is a music minister and doing yard work for extra money, and since he's living at home now he's completely reliant on his parents - so if anything he's even further away from being 'ready' than he was when he lived here. But for some reason he can be in a relationship anyway?

I'd love to say that I'm happy for him, that I'm glad that he seems to be doing well, but right now - it would be a lie. Right now I'm angry - angry that he asked me out, angry that he was someone I could care about, angry that he drug me out of the safe cocoon of emptiness that I've been living in since my ex-fiance and I broke up 5 years ago, angry that he continued to pursue me even when he knew he didn't want me, and angry that he left while things were still so messed up.

I've no doubt that in time I will get to the point where I genuinely wish him well, where I can truly say I'm happy that he's happy - but that time is I fear a few more tears away.

Until then, I'll do my best to not stuff it down, to talk about it and as The Editor put it yesterday 'keep everything out in the open'. I'll do my best to be thankful for the great man I'm seeing that DOES want me and thinks I'm worth trying for and although I thought I'd already done so, I'll do my best to keep healing - because apparently this is one wound that's still capable of causing pain.

I vant to suck yore bluuud

The Editor and I are both a big fan of the supernatural. Me; vampires, weres and the like, him; more ancient gods, godesses and prominent figures of mythology.

The original plan for tonight was dinner at my place (that I cooked!) and then going to see Let the Right One In at the Cresent Theater downtown.

Let the Right One in is about Oskar, an overlooked and bullied boy, who finds love and revenge through Eli, a beautiful but peculiar girl who turns out to be a vampire. Eli gives Oskar the strength to hit back but when he realizes that Eli needs to drink other peoples blood to live he's faced with a choice. How much can love forgive?

Well it turns out that The Editor has to work tonight from midnight until 8am, (he normally works from 1p-10p) which technically wouldn't interfer with our plans, but I thought since he'll have to stay up all night a more relaxed evening in may be better. We're still going to the film, but we'll probably just snuggle for a bit and enjoy some pizza before instead of doing 'dinner'.

So I'll be cooking dinner tomorrow night instead, followed by an evening of just relaxing and enjoying each others company. He's staying over and since I don't have class this Saturday, we get to sleep in. To say I'm looking forward to it would be a gross understatement. Every other time he's slept over I've had to get up and get ready for work at the butt crack of dawn, leaving him all warm and snuggled in my bed. It's going to be heaven... and I can hardly wait.

Down the rabbit hole we go...

I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!!

Last Thursday I had my first 'date' since PT. I say 'date' because it wasn't like a normal date. The guy the date was with was someone I'd been friends with for a while. Someone I'd never pictured myself being intersted in. But after a bit of inspiration and self examination courtesy of Jim Carey ala YES! Man, I took a deep breath, swallowed the little red pill, had a chat with him and we've decided to give it a go at being more than friends.

Since we're already friends, and he knew how freaked out I was at the idea of possibly 'liking' him, he suggested something more casual and relaxed for our first 'date'. Thursday evening he picked up some Chinese and we relaxed at my apartment and watched a movie. For all of you Jet Li and Jackie Chan fans, The Forbidden Kingdom is - eh. But what wasn't eh was how comfortable we were together.

I've never really dated before. My ex-fiance and I kind of just 'were', having met online then moving in together a week after the first time we met, we were together 3 years but we never really 'dated'. PT was my first date in over 8yrs and we just had such intense physical chemistry that I don't think it would have mattered what we did or where we went, we just wanted to make out with each other. So being able to skip the whole getting to know someone and trying to impress them at the same time thing has been fantastic.

The movie ended around 9:30 and after talking about it for a bit we decided that he would stay. The night.

I know, I know. You're thinking - wow that was fast, maybe you should slow down, you're just trying to see if you can be more than friends, and you're already sleeping with him?!?

The thing is - Sleeping is exactly what we did. There was no sex, and it was wonderful. I'd completely forgotten how incredible it felt to sleep wrapped in the arms of someone that you trusted, that you knew cared about you just because you were you and they were glad to have you in their life. So we went to bed, we talked, cuddled, talked some more, then finally drifted off to sleep wrapped around each other.

And I've been smiling ever since.

We've talked every night since then, he's come over twice after he got off work and we stayed up talking until around midnight then he went home, and he's stayed the night twice more. And we talk and talk and talk and cuddle and talk some more.

I'm not sure if a 'romantic' relationship is something that will come of this, but what I do know is that just by opening myself up to trusting him in a different way, we've become so much closer and regardless of whether we end up a 'couple' or not neither of us have any doubt that we have taken a step toward something wonderful and magical and no matter if we're just loving each other, or falling 'in' love with each other our friendship will continue to flourish and grow.

He's coming over this Thursday evening and we're going to go see an Independant film at the Crescent Theater in downtown Mobile. We've also planned to go to Winter Jam together in February.

Oh yea, and he's going to

The first one I've ever had :)

Lights, Camera, Action!

Yes I know it's a song by Mr. Cheeks - a really hot one too, but that's not what I'm talking about.

The Editor and I started talking close to the same time I started talking to PT, maybe a week or two after. The Editor is - well exactly that lol - he edits the clips you see on the news for a local station here in Mobile.

When we first started chatting online he was sweet, somewhat reserved and always proper. He never made any untoward suggestions or crude comments about my looks, my boobs or sex like most of the other yahoos who message me do.

He, in fact, was so decorous that I began to wonder why he'd messaged me at all. He never gave any hint that he was 'interested' in going out with me. We talked for a good month before we got around to exchanging phone numbers and still no hint of anything other than a friendship.

A about a month ago - I was whining to The Editor about PT and mentioned that his dad had been a pastor at a church here before moving to Japan. Well after doing some connect the coincidences we realized that The Editor knows PT, PT's family and the little group of PT's friends that go to my church. They'd all gone to church together a few years back.

To say it felt a bit weird to find out that The Editor actually knew this guy I'd been talking about would be putting it mildly, but he took the new info in stride just as he'd done everything else we'd chatted about.

One afternoon he invited me to his work to give me a tour of the news studio -which by the way was really freaking cool - and the online friendship became real. We've gone to the movies a couple of times together and text and/or IM on a fairly regular basis. I visited his church one Sunday morning and a few Sunday mornings later he visited mine. I felt like myself around him and it was a good feeling. I've not had any really good guy friends since I met my ex-fiance 8yrs ago and was forced strongly encouraged to let the male friendships I had at the time go.

So when I found myself wondering 'hmm what would it be like to date' The Editor I felt conflicted. He wasn't my type, he's not at all unattractive but I didn't find myself physically attracted to him in the least. This conflict has warred on in my mind for the past couple of weeks and for the most part the "I don't 'like' him like that" argument won.

Then I sent the 'I would like to be friends, but if it doesn't work out I understand and will always be thankful I met you' email to PT. I finally came to a place where I knew that no matter how hard it would be or how much it would hurt I had to let whatever had and/or would happen between PT and I go. I had to say goodbye.

And once that happen the battle shifted. I found myself more and more wondering why I was wondering about The Editor in a more than friendly way, when I just knew that I wasn't 'into' him in that way.


Wednesday night - New Years Eve - I went to the movies to see Yes Man! with Jim Carey. If you've not seen this movie I highly highly HIGHLY recommend it.

The premise of the movie is about a guy who always says no. He'd been married and his wife left him and instead of processing the pain, dealing with it, letting it go and moving on, he wrapped it around himself and used it as a cocoon. When friends asked him out he'd say no, when co workers invited him to get togethers he'd say no, when anyone asked/invited/suggested that he do/go/see anything or anyone he'd say NO.

In the first fifteen minutes of the movie I realized I was watching my life unfold on the screen - and it was pathetic. It was sad, it was lonely, it was just plain miserable.

The thoughts the movie left me with combined with a conversation I had with a friend a couple of days later caused me to really question my thinking of late. This statement in particular really hit home.

Could it be that you've talked yourself into not being attracted to him because you're looking for the chemistry? and maybe if you were to relax a bit and just let whatever happen...maybe you'd end up finding yourself attracted him for other reasons than physical?

Well Friday night the battle in my head came to a crux and I had a revelation.

By holding on to my feelings for PT - even though I knew that they'd go no where - and by holding on to the hurt I felt from the way things had turned out between us I'd effectively wrapped myself in a blanket of protection. Protection from being available to pursue anything with another guy, protection from being able to be pursued by someone new, protection from being hurt again.

But what I realized this weekend is that protection was also acting as a barrier. A barrier from being wanted, from being cared for, from being loved.

So I messaged The Editor and said I wanted to talk to him about something. I told him how I'd been feeling, and that I was conflicted and I told him over and over again that I didn't 'like him' like that, but that for some reason I couldn't stop wondering what if. Like always he listened and when I was done he admitted that he'd had a feeling this conversation would be happening soon and that if I was willing to step outside of my comfort zone and let go of all of the preconceived notions I'd set up about what my 'type' was and how things were 'supposed' to be that he would like us to give seeing each other a try.

Of course self preservation (or flight mode) kicked in and I proceeded to come up with every excuse in the book why he shouldn't, wouldn't want to date me. I'm neurotic, I have self-esteem issues, I get clingy, I need constant reassurance and approval, I can be controlling, I'm this, I'm that, I'm.. you get the idea. For about ten minutes he let me rant and when I finally ran out of steam I admitted defeat.

"You're not going to let me do this are you?"
"You mean give me a bunch of excuses to change my mind about giving this a shot? No. No I'm not. I think you're worth it and I want to try"

He could have said he thought I hung the moon and it wouldn't have had the impact the 5 simple words he did say had.

"I think you're worth it"

It's had to believe someone else can see worth in you when you don't see it in yourself, but it's much harder to deny the fact that they do when it's so clearly spoken.

So yesterday we met for dinner during his 'lunch break' from work, and last night we talked on the phone until 3am this morning. Thursday he is picking up some Chinese and coming over and we're going to watch a movie. And we're going to give dating a try. We already have the foundation of a friendship, so there's not the dance of trying to get to know someone and impress them at the same time that you normally would deal with when dating someone. He knows I'm a basket case - and he's ok with it.

Will he stay ok with it? I can't say. But for the first time in my life I think it might be ok if he's not - because for first time in my life - I think I may be ready -and able- to climb out of the basket a little.

So here's to New Life Resolutions, here's to stepping out of the comfort zone, here's to taking a chance on letting someone take a chance on me, here's to saying YES - to life, to love, to ME.

The 8 Phases of Dating

I followed a tweet by @gwenbell on twitter and stumbled upon something that makes me think my decision to put dating on the back burner in 2009 was probably a good idea lol.

Enjoy - *note - contains adult language

by Matthew Inman of Mingle2

Can't live with 'em can't kill 'em..

Or can you?

When I first decided to jump head first into the 'wide world of dating' I asked 'Jane', gal pal, fellow blogger and One Date Wonder extraordinaire to guest post on my blog. She shared her knowledge on how to initiate first contact in online dating, the best if not most polite way to decline or deter interest from a would be suitor that you'd rather not be well suited by and several more pearls of wisdom that my dating deficit had left me not knowing.

Last night my non-existent love life got a little more complicated and my brain is in a bit of a fuzz, so I've asked Jane if I could borrow her latest post and spread a little more sage advice amongst you all. Don't worry, I'll fill you in on the latest complication soon, but for now... check out Jane's advice on how to handle a break-up.

And let me tell you - I wish I'd read this 6 years ago the 1st time my ex-fiance and I broke up. I may have saved myself about 7 more break-ups and a 2nd engagement. Then again I'm pretty hard headed so maybe not. Hope you're a better listener than I would have been ;)

Breaking up is hard to do

Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, you new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you). We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voice mails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way. These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest. Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie. I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.

The fracture of a fairytale

I hate to sound pessimistic, or be the voice of gloom but I feel like I should have known that the thing with PT was too good to be true.

It seems however, that while I'm all facts, figures and logic in most every aspect of my life, there is still that tiny little piece connected to love that is the eternal optimist, the hopeless romantic.

It wasn't that he's not a good guy. He really is and I don't think badly of him. I truly wish him happiness and success in whatever he pursues.

It wasn't that we didn't have amazing chemistry. We did. Boy oh boy did we. Like hot molten I want to just eat your face chemistry.

What it was, was a combination of lousy timing, previous relationship baggage (on both our parts) and an age gap that, although I really wanted to not matter, led to a difference in understanding and a slight break down when it came to communication.

Long story short -

Me previous relationship left me with quite a bit of emotional damage, and while I've mostly worked through it all, there are apparently still some issues with doubt and being insecure about my ability to be liked and/or loved simply for the woman I am.

His previous relationship seems to have never quite gotten to the relationship stage. The whole 'I don't know where my life is going so I can't bring you along yet' story. And it seems that in the midst of talking about us and where our relationship was and wasn't going he realized that he'd still been holding on to the hope that his almost girl would decide she wanted him to be a part of her journey.

I want a serious relationship. I've been taking care of myself for many years and am ready to give up or at least share that responsibility with someone I love. I'm ready to date one person exclusively, fall in love, get married, have a family.. the whole shebang.

He is still trying to figure out what he wants to be 'when he grows up.' He wants to finish school and be settled so that when he does meet someone he'll be emotionally, and financially in a position to properly care for her. Very honorable if somewhat naive and unrealistic. I mean do any of us every really know what we want to be when we grow up, or heck even really ever grow up for that matter.

Some things in life just don't follow a plan. Love is one of them.

Being an OCD freak about organization and planning, I can completely relate and understand PT's need to 'have all of his ducks in a row' so to speak. But being quite a few years older than PT, I also have the life experience to know that it's most often in the middle of your planning that the best things in life show up, and if you can't stop planning long enough to see them and allow them to come into your life then you'll miss them altogether.

Then there's the issue of hormones.

No, not mine. I may be female but I'm pretty in control when it comes to the mood swings. The hormonal issue was from his side. The issue being, while he understood that being physical with someone was something that was only acceptable in a relationship for me, and that anything more than kissing was going to have to be restricted unless he decided he wanted our seeing each other to progress into something more serious, he seemed unable to bust out enough discipline to make sure his actions matched up with his words.

Words - I like you, I want to get to know you, I understand that a physical relationship means something serious to you and I don't want to go there yet.

Actions - I want to make out with you, I want to make out with you, I know making out means something to you and doing so will make you think I want more but I can't seem to stop myself, so I want to make out with you anyway.

See where this is going?

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and she said the problem is that men can do the physical without the emotional better than women. For the most part I agree with that, but the difference here is that I very clearly expressed to PT that at this point in my life - physical = serious, so if he really just wanted to 'hang out and get to know each other', he was going to have to put a leash on it.

But he didn't and I, being the dating novice that I am, took that to mean that he'd decided to just let go of his self-imposed 'no serious relationship' restrictions and let things happen and see where they would go. It never occurred to me that he still only wanted to be friends, but was too horny to get himself under control. Apparently I still have a LOT to learn about this stiff, er stuff.

So we've decided that we need to go our separate ways. I really wish we could be friends. He's smart and funny and we really do have great conversations, but we can't seem to be in each other's company for more than twenty minutes without wanting to tongue each other down. And while I'd love to pursue this and see if maybe it could evolve into more than a friendship, I'm not willing to be the 'friend' who he also happens to make out with, and he's not willing to let go of his thing for this girl to see what might transpire.

Oh well, it was really nice while it lasted.

Next!

Irony at it's best

How ironic is it that the day I decide to post about the dismal end of the first almost relationship I’ve had in 5 years, I also hop on over to PayPerPost to see if they have any new opportunities and the first one that pops up is for a lesbian dating site.

I’ve not hidden the fact that I am by society’s standards a ‘bisexual’ woman. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I have an intense dislike for labels, preferring to simply say that I have the ability to see beauty in any form, but since we’re not happy unless we can cram something in a box I suppose I’ll have to deal with being considered ‘bisexual’.

I’m really not looking for a woman at this particular juncture in my life but if I were I now know I have a place I can go to look for some sexy single Florida Lesbians. Or ones from Alabama for that matter.

Mr Right....just not right "now"

I've been giving a lot of thought about how to proceed with the documentation of whatever is progressing between PT, the fantastic fella I went out with Saturday, and myself and I have to admit I'm at a bit of an impasse.

There is most definitely a seriously intense connection between PT and I and not just in a physical way. Although that particular connection is just ridiculously HOT.

In just the several hours we spent together Saturday and talking and texting since we've discovered so many things we have in common. We have similar views on life, love, religion, politics and more.

Not saying we see eye to eye on every topic we've discussed but one thing we definitely agree on, and which I think is so very important, is the belief that we can all have different views and or opinions but still respect each other.

We both believe that there is no topic that is unacceptable or too taboo for discussion, and we both are open minded enough to listen to one another and regardless of whether we agree or not, still respect each other's point of view.

That being said there are other factors that happen to be present that seem to be making the "progression" of our interest in each other a delicate and possibly tangled web to be wove.

So I'm not sure how much to talk about, or not talk about. I have no doubt it's going to go somewhere, but exactly where it's going or how it will get there is something I'm completely unsure of.

One positive thing I can say about PT, ok so it's like the 8th or 9th positive thing I've said, is that he's the most open guy I've ever met. By that I mean open to direct and honest conversation. He understands that I need to know what's going on, what he wants, what his intentions are and doesn't mind telling me, and he doesn't mind listening to those same things from me as well.

He dislikes the "game" of dating as much as I do and is completely comfortable laying it all out on the table, so to speak. I mean how often does a first date conversation get to the point of "Ok this is what I'm looking for, this is what you're looking for, this is what I'm not looking for, this is what you're not looking for.. now how do we match what matches and work around what doesn't?" and neither person get freaked out or overwhelmed or scared away?

Heck, maybe it happens all the time and I'm really just so out of the loop that I didn't know guys were capable and willing to really "talk" these days. But I'm thinking more than likely I just got really lucky.. or I prefer to think blessed that this particular fella found me when he did.

So don't despair my fine friends.. I will blog more, and I will share more, and I'm sure it will be soon... but as for now what, when and how much sharing is to be done will remain a mystery not only to you.. but to myself as well.

Happy and successful adventuring to us both =)

The Very Best First Last Date Ever...

A few weeks ago a guy messaged me on OKCupid. He was cute, funny, but young(ish) so I didn't really put any serious interest into his communication.

We ended up chatting on Yahoo messenger and against my better judgment, when he asked me out on Friday I said yes.

Remind me to not listen to my better judgment more often. It is completely clueless.

Well after a bunch of spastic texts trying to figure out what we were going to do (me being the spaz) we decided to go to the park, hang out for a while then go to dinner.

Municipal park here in Mobile is really nice. It surrounds a small body of water that I suppose you'd call a lake, or large pond, so the plan was to just sit out near the water and get to know each other.

Here's a pic of the park from the City of Mobile website.

The original plan was that PT, I guess I need to give him a name, and he drives a PT Cruiser so I suppose that will work, anyway, PT was supposed to pick me up at 5pm, we'd hang at the park or a couple hours then go to dinner at 7pm.

Well by 3:15, I'm ready, apparently he's ready and we're both just waiting for 5 o'clock to roll around. He texts me and asks what I'm doing, I say nothing, just waiting, what is he doing, he replies the same. So I say that if he'd like he can go ahead and come get me and we'll just go out early.

I want to say here that this was the first date I'd been on in over 8 years. I was in a relationship from 2000-2003 and I just really hadn't felt mentally or emotionally ready to meet someone between then and now.

So as I'm standing outside waiting for him to get there I text him "I feel like I'm going to throw up. Tell me again why I have no reason to be nervous".

I know.. nice huh? It's a wonder he didn't turn the car around right then and go back home. But he didn't. He's pretty terrific that way. :-)

He pulls up, and I don't even give the poor guy a chance to show me the gentleman he is, I just run walk quickly to the car and get in. On the way to the park conversation was light and comfortable.

We get to the park and decide to sit on a platform that's right at the edge of the water. While we're walking to the platform we hear music. Turns out there was a band playing in the pavilion that day.

We didn't go up close enough to really see, but from the sound of the singer it was an old black man and a younger lady, and they were singing old gospel and blues songs. And since both PT and I have a very strong love of God there really couldn't have been a more perfect backdrop.

The weather couldn't have behaved any better either. Sunny, but cool, with a really nice breeze that would come and go.

So we're sitting on the platform, looking out over the water, watching ducks wander around the park, listening to old gospel and blues in the background, talking about this and that and it starts to sprinkle. Just a very light mist, not enough to get you wet but enough to feel cool when the sun started getting warm.

I like to think what happened next was pure serendipity. I've never been kissed in the rain. Sad I know. Well as I'm sitting there thinking, he's really cute, and we really seem to click, and we have so much in common, and I've never been kissed in the rain, and this would so be the perfect moment if he just leaned over, he says, "You know something I've never done?".

"What's that?" I ask.

He looks at me and says, "I've never kissed in the rain."

I'm grinning like an idiot right now typing this lol - some times life really really is good.

So I say, "Really?, Neither have I."

I'm thinking to myself. Ok this is the moment.. he's going to lean over and kiss me and it will be perfect!

Nope.

So we're sitting there.. just sitting.. silence.. sitting.. FINALLY!!

And it was the sweetest moment ever. Then he says.. "oops.. it stopped raining"

We laugh and kiss again.

We ended up sitting there chatting for almost 4 hours, and not once was there an awkward or stilted or uncomfortable moment the entire time.

Shortly before 7pm we left the park to go to dinner at a little sushi place. I've never had sushi and really wasn't sure I'd like it, but I'll try almost anything once so I decided what the heck.

I have to be honest, it was pretty darn good. We had smoked salmon, and California rolls and some little dumpling looking things. Oh yea and the whole using ginger to cleanse your palate with thing? Genius! Warning - if you've never eaten raw ginger, it's got a hella bite to it. But once you're done chewing the taste is gone and it really does leave your taste buds clean for the next bite.

The restaurant was short staffed that night so between chatting and waiting and eating, dinner lasted close to two hours, but again, just complete comfort. Like meeting an old friend for the first time, if that makes any sense.

After dinner we decided to go back to the park. We stopped by my apartment to pick up a blanket and when we got to the park we laid it out on the grass and, are you ready for this, it's so sweet I almost can't type it... we spent the next hour talking and lying under the stars. OK so we only talked some.. and made out a little more than some, but it was really the absolute perfect ending to an absolutely perfect date.

After we were uh kindly instructed by the local PD that the park closes after dark, well there wasn't a sign!!, he drove me home. When he pulled up at my apartment he turned off the car, which I thought was odd, so I asked if he was going to come in.

A gentleman to the end.. He said no, but that he was going to walk me to the door. I know how sweet.

So as perfect as this all was, you may be wondering why I titled this the Very Best First Last Date Ever...

I think I'll save that for the next post, so make sure to stick around to find out :)

Changes are a-comin'

A few things.

1. I've been a totally sucky blogger lately. I apologize. Pre-inputting the Mind Ripper story and being able to schedule the chapters to post has made me lazy. I was able to copy and paste 2 full weeks worth of blog posts in one day and sit back and let blogger take care of posting them for me each day.


2. I've been giving serious thought to giving away my remaining cat. I gave his brother away a few months ago because I really didn't have time to give 2 cats the attention they needed. I know most cats just sit on the back of the couch and stare at you, but the two I adopted almost 4 years ago are the most neediest, attention wanting cats I've ever come across in my life.

The one I kept is much more needy than his brother and I just felt guilty, like I was having to basically ignore one cat because the other needed so much attention, so I gave him away. The young lady I gave him too loved him on sight and he seemed to like her as well so I felt confident that he'd get all the love and attention he deserved.

So now I have one cat, and I don't know if it's just changes in my life, a mood malfunction or what, but I just really don't seem to have the time or energy to mess with him anymore. He's really the sweetest most loving cat I've ever seen but all I can feel is annoyed by his presence. He wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn EVERY single morning, sitting in my face meowing for his treat.

I made the mistake of getting them both on a routine when they were kittens and now I'm suffering for it. If I'm not up and moving by 6am he makes damn sure I'm aware of his dissatisfaction with the fact that I'm still in bed and he hasn't had his piece of cheese yet. I don't even pee first when I get up in the morning. I wake up, crawl out of bed and go straight to the kitchen to give him a piece of cheese. THEN I can take care of stuff I need to do.

I find myself being more angry at having a cat lately than peaceful. I've read that people who have cats tend to be more at peace and relaxed. That may have been the case once upon a time, but no longer, and it's not fair to the kitty. He's doing nothing different now than he has for the past 3 and a half years. He's a bit more vocal now that his brother is gone, but that's really the only thing that's changed. He's really low maintenance, other than the constant yelling meowing at me to pet him, pick him up, feed him, pay attention to him.


3. So if I do end up re-homing him then I'll no longer be the "Crazy Cat Lady". I may still be a little crazy, and unfortunately still a lady, but there will be no Cat in the equation. So.. I'll have to come up with a new blog name and theme. Right now I'm thinking..."F Dating, Guys are Pieces of Sh*t - My Journey to Becoming a Full Blown Lesbian!". If you're wondering where the hostility is coming from... continue reading.

4. Ok I know I said a few things, and technically a few is 3, but there's not really a word for 4 that works in the same context. I'm going to the store to pick up a quad things. Ya.. doesn't really work.

Anyway.. so I've mentioned a few times before that I've finally decided to step outside the isolation box I've been living in for the past four years, take a deep breath, hold my nose and jump off the deep end of sanity of single life into the pool of dating. I signed up on Yahoo Personals. I paid for a one month subscription so I could actually message people back who'd messaged me and after the lack of appealing responses cancelled before the 2nd months payment was due.

It's not that I didn't get responses, I did. I just didn't get any from anyone who fit any kind of idea I had about someone I'd be interested in going out with. The majority of guys who messaged me were ridiculously slightly older than the age range I'd specified. I'm 32, so I listed 27-37 as my preferences. I know that's only a 5 years span on either side, but I have very young parents. My mom just turned 50 and my dad is 46. Before you do the math and freak out he's my step-dad. He adopted me when I was 5, so for all intents and purposes he's my dad.

So the idea of dating someone who may have more in common with my parents than I do is just not an idea I'm gung-ho about, yet I can safely say that about 75% of the guys who messaged me were 42 or older. Much older. And the other guys who messaged me were either guys who smoked, drank or just really didn't appeal to me on a physical level. Think ZERO physical attraction.

I did end up chatting back and forth with 3 different guys for a bit.

One of them expressed in his profile that he's extremely shy and as a result has a hard time meeting people. Boy was he not kidding. I'm not adverse to being the facilitator in communication but when having a conversation becomes as fun and easy as pulling teeth, with pliers, and no anesthetic then I'm sorry but it just stops working for me. Conversation should be able to flow at least some what easily. Sure getting it started can take some work but it shouldn't be difficult to keep it going if there are mutual interests. So that kind of fizzled.

The 2nd guy seemed cool, not someone I'd really be interested in dating, but as I said I've been living in a self induced social coma for several years, so I thought if nothing else then he'd be a new friend and someone fun to hang out with. We text back and forth a few times a week and planned to meet one weekend when I was in town. He lived in MS, I live in AL, but to go MS a few times a month to visit family and he is planning to move to Mobile soon. Well something came up and I wasn't able to get out of town that weekend. We kept texting and finally weekend before last ended up meeting.

It was my sister's birthday and a bunch of family & friends and I were out clubbing it up. We'd gone to one bar, where a friend of my sister's from school was having a party. It was her birthday too. Then we went to the Hard Rock Casino and met my cousin, who's birthday was 2 days prior, at some bar/club called the Road House Live. There was a live cover band. Playing country music. It was torture. We'd toughed it out there for about an hour and had just decided we'd had enough and were trying to decide where to go next. Right about that time guy #2 calls and says he's at the same bar that we'd been to earlier. So we decide to go back there to finish off the night. He and his friend were leaving when we got there, the music was techno/rave, really LOUD techno/rave and they weren't big fans, but we got to meet and chat for a few before they headed out.

This past week I text him and asked what he was doing on Saturday. I wanted to go to Dauhpin Island and spend the day at the beach and wanted company. He has two little boys, ages 3 and 4 and I told him to bring them along and we'd make a day of it. He said cool, we set up the time and that was that.

Friday morning I get this text - "I got a f'ing DUI last night!" Keep in mind, I said this wasn't someone I was interested in dating, just being friends with. He smokes and drinks. Both are things that just aren't acceptable in a guy I'll be with. Occasional social drinking sure. A beer or two on the weekend I have no problem with. This guy gets trashed midweek. I won't date anyone who drinks to get drunk. I don't drink, have never been drunk and just really don't see the point in it. In my personal opinion it's stupid. A waste of money, a killer on your body and an embarrassment to you the next morning and any one who had the misfortune to be around you the night before. Now take how much I'm against drinking to get drunk and multiply it times 34230809 and you'll come close to how I feel about people who Drink and DRIVE.

If you want to put your own life at risk knock yourself out. But when you get behind the wheel of a car and are intoxicated. You're risking the life of everyone else who is on the road. Not cool, Not OK, NOT Acceptable. I didn't give him a hard time about the DUI, but I wasn't sympathetic either. Needless to say he didn't make it to the beach with me and we haven't text each other since.

The 3rd guy was older than the range I was looking for, 42, but seemed like a really nice guy and looked young. He also resembled my ex-fiance which I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about. We talked back in forth in e-mail for a bit, then moved on to messenger and I finally agreed to meet him for lunch. Today. I talked to him yesterday morning briefly and everything was on schedule. I was meeting him at Red Lobster at noon.

I fully expected him to sign on messenger this morning, to say hey, make sure plans were still a-go. He didn't. So I called him at 11am to make sure we were still on. He didn't answer. Now I've been known to over analyze things before. My brain is set up permanent over-drive and it takes nothing at all to send it into a frenzy concocting the worst possible scenarios for any and everything. While I'm sitting at work, watching the clock I begin to assume the worst. He didn't sign on, he didn't answer his phone, that bastard is going to stand me up.

Now this was to have been the first date I'd been on in almost 9 years. I've only been on a total of I think 3 dates in my entire life. As I said before, my ex-fiance and I didn't date. We talked online, met one weekend and moved in together the next. We were together for 3 years, there was no dating.

So I decide that before I drive to the restaurant, sit there and look like an idiot when no one shows up, I'll call to see if he's there. I'd already called his cell earlier and got no answer and I'm only about a 7-10 minute drive from where we were meeting so even if I didn't leave until 11:55, I'd only be a few minutes late. I call and ask if they're really busy. I'm told no, there are only a few people in the restaurant, so I give the bar tender the guy's description and ask if he sees anyone who looks like him there. No ma'am.

That was at 11:45.

I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's still early, maybe he's not there yet. So I call back at 12:10, talk to a different person, give them the description, ask them to see if anyone matches. No ma'am, there's no one here that looks like that. Look, it's not like the guy would blend in in a crowd. He's 6'1, 250lbs, bald head with a goatee. He definitely would be easy to spot in a mostly empty restaurant. I've been stood up.

Well I guess I can't technically say I was stood up since I didn't go either but you know what I mean.

Well 1:15pm rolls around and mister no-show signs on messenger. "I called your phone earlier. You didn't answer". "Are you sure you dialed right?", he says, "I don't have any missed calls". I give him the number, knowing I didn't miss dial and he confirms. "Hmm" he says, "I think I'm going to change carriers."

WTF EVER

I tell him I called the restaurant twice to see if he was there. They had 3 different people look and no one saw anyone that matched his description. He says he was there, even goes so far as to say he thinks he'll have to call the restaurant and complain. I told him to go ahead and knock himself out, but not to do it on my account.

If there wasn't already his age and his resemblance to my ex that were making me iffy about going out with him then this would have been enough to clue me in it wasn't in the cards. I told him that I thought he seemed like a nice guy, and that I wish him the best but that I wouldn't be calling again. He said he understood, but just wanted me to know that he did show up.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, only God knows now for sure. But the whole thing just rubbed me wrong. I finally get to the point where I'm brave enough to step outside of the damage my previous relationship left to try and meet someone and I get nada.

Maybe I'm giving up too soon, maybe I never really even started trying, who knows. I mean it's not like I've literally lived in a box for the past 4 years. Sure I didn't go out much in a social aspect, but I still got out and about in places where I'm seen. Do guys not pick chics up at the grocery store, or the gym anymore?

Why can't I meet a nice guy at the library? I tell you, that would have to be my dream way to meet a guy. I'm browsing the supernatural romance section for the latest Laurel K Hamilton novel and look over and there is this super hot guy in sci-fi checking me out.

"You like fantasy?" he asks.

I smile and reply, "I have a thing for sex and vampires".

He comes over, grabs me around the waist, nibbles my neck and we live happily every after.

A girl can dream... can't she?