Monday, September 22, 2008

The fracture of a fairytale

I hate to sound pessimistic, or be the voice of gloom but I feel like I should have known that the thing with PT was too good to be true.

It seems however, that while I'm all facts, figures and logic in most every aspect of my life, there is still that tiny little piece connected to love that is the eternal optimist, the hopeless romantic.

It wasn't that he's not a good guy. He really is and I don't think badly of him. I truly wish him happiness and success in whatever he pursues.

It wasn't that we didn't have amazing chemistry. We did. Boy oh boy did we. Like hot molten I want to just eat your face chemistry.

What it was, was a combination of lousy timing, previous relationship baggage (on both our parts) and an age gap that, although I really wanted to not matter, led to a difference in understanding and a slight break down when it came to communication.

Long story short -

Me previous relationship left me with quite a bit of emotional damage, and while I've mostly worked through it all, there are apparently still some issues with doubt and being insecure about my ability to be liked and/or loved simply for the woman I am.

His previous relationship seems to have never quite gotten to the relationship stage. The whole 'I don't know where my life is going so I can't bring you along yet' story. And it seems that in the midst of talking about us and where our relationship was and wasn't going he realized that he'd still been holding on to the hope that his almost girl would decide she wanted him to be a part of her journey.

I want a serious relationship. I've been taking care of myself for many years and am ready to give up or at least share that responsibility with someone I love. I'm ready to date one person exclusively, fall in love, get married, have a family.. the whole shebang.

He is still trying to figure out what he wants to be 'when he grows up.' He wants to finish school and be settled so that when he does meet someone he'll be emotionally, and financially in a position to properly care for her. Very honorable if somewhat naive and unrealistic. I mean do any of us every really know what we want to be when we grow up, or heck even really ever grow up for that matter.

Some things in life just don't follow a plan. Love is one of them.

Being an OCD freak about organization and planning, I can completely relate and understand PT's need to 'have all of his ducks in a row' so to speak. But being quite a few years older than PT, I also have the life experience to know that it's most often in the middle of your planning that the best things in life show up, and if you can't stop planning long enough to see them and allow them to come into your life then you'll miss them altogether.

Then there's the issue of hormones.

No, not mine. I may be female but I'm pretty in control when it comes to the mood swings. The hormonal issue was from his side. The issue being, while he understood that being physical with someone was something that was only acceptable in a relationship for me, and that anything more than kissing was going to have to be restricted unless he decided he wanted our seeing each other to progress into something more serious, he seemed unable to bust out enough discipline to make sure his actions matched up with his words.

Words - I like you, I want to get to know you, I understand that a physical relationship means something serious to you and I don't want to go there yet.

Actions - I want to make out with you, I want to make out with you, I know making out means something to you and doing so will make you think I want more but I can't seem to stop myself, so I want to make out with you anyway.

See where this is going?

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning and she said the problem is that men can do the physical without the emotional better than women. For the most part I agree with that, but the difference here is that I very clearly expressed to PT that at this point in my life - physical = serious, so if he really just wanted to 'hang out and get to know each other', he was going to have to put a leash on it.

But he didn't and I, being the dating novice that I am, took that to mean that he'd decided to just let go of his self-imposed 'no serious relationship' restrictions and let things happen and see where they would go. It never occurred to me that he still only wanted to be friends, but was too horny to get himself under control. Apparently I still have a LOT to learn about this stiff, er stuff.

So we've decided that we need to go our separate ways. I really wish we could be friends. He's smart and funny and we really do have great conversations, but we can't seem to be in each other's company for more than twenty minutes without wanting to tongue each other down. And while I'd love to pursue this and see if maybe it could evolve into more than a friendship, I'm not willing to be the 'friend' who he also happens to make out with, and he's not willing to let go of his thing for this girl to see what might transpire.

Oh well, it was really nice while it lasted.


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