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Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Can't live with 'em can't kill 'em..

Or can you?

When I first decided to jump head first into the 'wide world of dating' I asked 'Jane', gal pal, fellow blogger and
One Date Wonder extraordinaire to guest post on my blog. She shared her knowledge on how to initiate first contact in online dating, the best if not most polite way to decline or deter interest from a would be suitor that you'd rather not be well suited by and several more pearls of wisdom that my dating deficit had left me not knowing.

Last night my non-existent love life got a little more complicated and my brain is in a bit of a fuzz, so I've asked Jane if I could borrow her latest post and spread a little more sage advice amongst you all. Don't worry, I'll fill you in on the latest complication soon, but for now... check out Jane's advice on how to handle a break-up.

And let me tell you - I wish I'd read this 6 years ago the 1st time my ex-fiance and I broke up. I may have saved myself about 7 more break-ups and a 2nd engagement. Then again I'm pretty hard headed so maybe not. Hope you're a better listener than I would have been ;)


Breaking up is hard to do

Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, you new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you). We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voice mails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way. These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest. Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie. I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.

2 People who coughed on a furball:

Ella said...

jane is awesome - and i wouldn't have stumbled upon her had i not stumbled upon you - so kudos to you both.

p.s. i'm a long time supporter of the DTM method. it WORKS.

Nic said...

Ooooh...I just borrowed this and posted it on my blog as well..by the way, YOU are awesome, my fellow single Bama Girl!