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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..


There are so many thoughts chasing themselves in circles inside my head. When I woke up this morning I'd already half way finished verbalizing what I'd write today. Yet when I got to work and opened the page to start typing - nothing came.

2008 has been a big year for me. Many things have happened - some good - some eh not so good - some absolutely heart breaking - some breathtakingly beautiful.

I guess the best way to wrap this year up would be to just make a list - an accounting of all the big things that were.. and those that weren't.

I'm not going to number them because my OCD self would get stuck or something and spaz out trying to come up with one more thing so I can end on an even number.

No particular order, no good first bad last, just.. as they come to me - here are the events that outlined this year of my life - 2008.
  • I started the year with two kitties, I ended it with none.
  • I re-homed them at separate times, but they both ended up at the same home - together again. That makes me happy.
  • I got a puppy - my first since the dog I had through most of my childhood and early 20's died in 2000.
  • Edit - I thought I got a puppy. Turns out I got a goat in a pit bull costume.
  • Required walking to help tame her excessive energy is going to help me get back in shape.
  • After 5yrs of being single I decided to try my hand at dating and signed up on a few dating sites.
  • I ended up talking to quite a few guys, but only ended up going on two actual dates.
  • One was eh OK. He was a sweet guy - just not for me.
  • The other - turned my life upside down. He was the perfect guy for me, and he broke my heart. But I will always care for him deeply and never regret a single second of knowing him.
  • I tried to help out some family members who seemed to be having a hard time of things by letting them move in with me. One was my cousin, she stayed with me a few months - then screwed me over and we no longer talk. The other was my mom - she stayed a few months as well. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't exactly pleasant and put a tremendous strain on our already tenuous relationship.
  • My new roommate moves in this weekend - not sure if I'm nervous, excited or just apathetic.
  • I enrolled in college in October and took 2 classes for the fall semester. Next week I will begin the spring semester - 4 classes. I will be in my 3rd semester as a freshman.
  • It's taken 10yrs to go back to college but I finally did it, and in this particular thing - I have never been more proud of myself.
  • I broke a 4yr vow of abstinence in January with a guy I'd been friends with for 20yrs, and now we don't talk. I cannot express how sad that makes me.
  • I went 6 more months without sex then attempted the FWB thing - it worked for me in my 20's. It does not work for me now.
  • PT was the last person I shared myself with - and unless a miracle of all miracles happens and I fall in love and get married one day. He WILL be the last person to ever know me in that way.
  • I reached my 1yr anniversary at my job, had a 1yr review and did fantastic. Looking forward to my raise in January.
  • I started actively blogging again - and have net met many great people as a result.
  • I also started Twittering - and am on the way to some really incredible friendships because of it.
  • I found a new church home that I love - although tensions with PT's friends have made it not quite as enjoyable going lately.
  • I'm determined to work through that last issue- their attitude is their problem- not mine.
  • I met an angel - well really a person, but the way God has used them to help me is truly Angelic.
  • I'm thinking I may be putting that person on too high a pedestal, because thus far they've only made me smile - that just changed. No one is perfect.
  • I still think that person is going to help me learn more about myself than anyone else ever has - and for that I am thankful.
  • I've renewed my vow of chastity to myself - and to God.
  • The last is going to be hard - that is a part of myself I have struggled with for years. It's time I stopped struggling and let God take care of it - and me.

I know there's more - so much more, but remembering all the things I've been through is making me tired. It's been a very draining year - emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. I've faith that 2009 will be my year of revival.

Remembering things can be hard, especially when you've not fully over them. I've learned this year that everything has a process and my processor doesn't always seem to work right. I don't like dealing with things, I don't like emotions so I don't allow myself to go through the stages that are apparently necessary to heal, which means I just bury things. Problem on top of problem, hurt on top of hurt until I run out of room to pile them and I collapse into a sobbing emotional wreck.

This next year I want to work on processing things as they happen - allowing myself to feel, to love, to fear, to hurt, to heal and then to move on.

Mostly though - I want to work on allowing myself to be happy. I've not done that in a very very long time - if truly ever. I want to allow myself to truly BELIEVE that I am special, that I am capable and worthy of being loved - by others - but mostly by me.

So while 2008 wasn't entirely great - it wasn't entirely sucky either. I lived, I learned, I loved, I lost.. and now I'm moving on.

So to 2008 I say - goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend - you have been the one - you have been the one for me. But now I'm ready for someone new.

I'm ready for ME.

1 People who coughed on a furball:

Ella said...

there are so many strong, independant women (heck yeah i'm including you and me) out there with these same postive attitude that 2009 is just going to be an awesome year - we need a motto.