Passion Vs. Comfort: Do You Have to Have Fireworks to Have a Successful Relationship?

A friend who's recently been in a similar situation as the one I mentioned in my last post recommended this article Passion Vs. Comfort: Do You Have to Have Fireworks to Have a Successful Relationship?. It really says a lot and I wish I could say it made a light bulb flash in my head and led me to an instant decision I felt great about but that would be too easy. What I can say is that it's given me a little more to think about and maybe a different perspective to think about it from.

Here's an excerpt - you can click the link above, or below to go to the whole article.

Passion vs. Comfort. This is a post you don’t want to miss, inspired by a discussion on my (500) Days of Summer thread. Here’s the gist of it. Reader Lori writes:

I have been with a man who loves me, and has loved me, as close as one can get to unconditionally for over 13 yrs…. I was never totally madly in love with him, but he knew he wanted to marry me the minute he met me. I married him – BECAUSE he was a great guy in so many ways, minus the sky illuminating fireworks. Don’t get me wrong, intimate moments were always adequate…even pretty damn good at times. But never, well, you know…crazy great. Almost fourteen years later, I remain married and faithful, but with an empty space in my heart. And wondering if I aspired to mediocrity and lost out on the amazing feeling most of us have felt at some time, of true selfless love. I love him….but I’m not ‘in love’ with him. And that is what has happened to EACH AND EVERY married friend I have, (male and female) that married simply because of the reasons you mention… many have strayed, the others are simply living there…yet nobody’s home.

Everyone I know that married because the partner seemed a great choice, would be a great dad, etc. ended up divorced or unhappy. The FEW couples I know who are happily married – still love to hold hands AND ‘make-out’ – THEY married someone they felt intense chemistry for & vice versa…and of EVERY one of the divorced friends, several who are dating but have not found love, only ONE tells me she made the wrong choice leaving. The rest say they would rather be alone, than with someone and lonely.

Please know, I am not a cynic. I have SEEN & BELIEVE IN great love & marriage, but it SHOULD NOT BE treated as a business decision – it sounds great in theory – but it just brings way too much misery for way to many down the road – you better be pretty damn sure you wanna come home to this person, sleep with this person, and walk on the beach holding hands with this person 50 yrs later…because divorce.. from what I have seen… hurts. And living in quiet desperation…hurts.

Listen, I’m a 37-year-old dating coach who’s been married for less than a year. As such, I’m not going to sweep Lori’s points under the rug or deny her 13 years of pain. She feels what she feels, she’s seen what she’s seen, and it’s perfectly valid. In fact, it’s very persuasive.

However, without negating Lori’s take on things, I’d like to try to balance it out a bit. Because if you take as gospel what she says – “passion or bust!” – you might have a long and lonely road ahead of you. And I’d rather you have a happy relationship instead.... Page 2

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Why yes I'd love cancer today - thank you!

Last week I lost an online friend because she, a smoker, didn't like what I had to say about smoking.

She tweeted "All I want to do is smoke lately. I could stand outside and chain smoke right now, I swear. No lectures please."

I replied - "we only lecture you because we love you - and because smoking is farking disgusting! =)"

She went on to tell me that my statement counted as a lecture and I could love her and refrain from lecturing - the same way another tweeter had done. I answered that I guess it was a good thing I wasn't that other tweeter then wasn't it - all with a smile and good natured intentions. Apparently she didn't think so because after a few more tweets back and forth she told me my opinion wasn't appreciated.

I let it go with her but tweeted a few statements about how I really just didn't understand why anyone would smoke - citing some of the most foul aspects of the habit. I even made sure to let her know that my statements were not directed at her, rather at my inability to understand smokers in general. She called me passive aggressive, self-righteous and said she didn't have any desire to talk to me further.

If you know anything about me, then you know that passive is not a word likely to be used when describing me. I've never shied from speaking my mind or expressing my feelings to anyone about anything. If I have a problem or issue then I'm much more likely to address it head on then whine about it and do nothing - which is a characteristic of someone who is passive-aggressive.

There are those in my family might agree with the self-righteous part, but I honestly do not think I as a person am better than anyone else. I do feel that I, for the most part, make better choices than some. But it's not because I'm smarter, or better than anyone. It's because I've made my wrong choices years ago and learned from them. I simply do my best to live a clean life and I choose to not participate in certain activities others do and not to surround myself with people who do things I don't.

If you're not ok with being nude, you're not going to hang out at a nudist colony. If you don't like rap music you're not going to go to a club that only plays rap. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs so I don't hang around with people who do those things. Yet more often than not, I find those people to be the ones pointing fingers and calling me names for separating myself from them.

Why is that people who do things that are bad for them are so quick to judge those who don't and call it ok, but when the suggestion is made that what they're doing isn't in their best interest it's being judgmental and self-righteous?

A therapist once told me that people who live lives doing things that are bad for themselves don't like hanging around people who don't because it makes them feel guilty. Being around a person who is perfectly happy not drinking, smoking or what have you emphasises to people who do those things that they are making less than ideal choices and they don't like it.

I have never, even one time smoked a cigarette. I have never been drunk. I have never tried any type of drug what-so-ever. I am also the ONLY person in my immediate and mostly extended family who can make any and/or all of those statements.

Growing up a child of smokers had a strong and lasting effect on me that didn't seem to carry over to my brother and sister. They both smoke. I remember as a young girl wishing for new clothes, or to be able to go to events my friends did but not being able to because we didn't have the money. I wasn't able to get a letter jacket, or a class ring, or go to prom because there wasn't money for those things, yet somehow my mom managed to afford 2 cartons of cigarettes a week and my dad two 5-packs of skoal.

~Each day 3,000 children smoke their first cigarette.

~At least 3 million adolescents are smokers.

~Tobacco use primarily begins in early adolescence, typically by age 16.

~Almost all first use occurs before high school graduation.

~20 percent of American teens smoke.

~Roughly 6 million teens in the US today smoke despite the knowledge that it is addictive and leads to disease.

~Of the 3,000 teens who started smoking today, nearly 1,000 will eventually die as a result from smoking.

Now the gal above doesn't have children so she might say her habit isn't hurting anyone. Chain smoking doesn't take away from anything or anyone in her life. I say she's wrong. Science and medicine agree.

~3,000 nonsmoking adults die of diseases caused by exposure to second hand smoke every year.

~Secondhand smoke causes coughing, phlegm, chest discomfort and reduced lung function in nonsmokers.

~Some 2 to 5 million US children suffer from asthma; of these, about 20 percent experience more asthma attacks and more severe attacks than their fellow young asthmatics, due to secondhand smoke.

~Secondhand smoke contains more than 4,000 chemical compounds, including carbon monoxide ( which poisons the human body), ammonia, formaldehyde, and other poisons. 4 of the chemicals – benzene, 2-naphthylamine, 4-aminobiphenyl, and polonium-210 are classified by the EPA as known carcinogens—cancer causing agents.

~The EPA has classified secondhand smoke as a carcinogen since 1992.

~A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that nonsmokers exposed to secondhand smoke were 25 percent more likely to have coronary heart diseases compared to nonsmokers not exposed to smoke.

Smoking, like alcoholism and drug addiction is a horribly selfish habit. If you want to spend all your money on toxins and spend your time smoking it up in your own home that's one thing. But when you take your habit outside, where people who have no desire to fill their lungs with tar are, it's another.

Since most restaurants and business have adopted a smoke-free policy, smokers have had to take their habit outdoors. Now they crowd around the doorways creating a cloud of toxins that non-smokers have to walk through to get in.

They take extra breaks at work that non-smokers do not get leaving others to fill in and cover the load while they're outside killing themselves and the planet.

They pollute the air at ball-games and events with no regard or care that the person next to them might not want to go home smelling like an ashtray.

And one of my biggest pet peeves is the litter. If I had a nickle for every cigarette butt I saw on the side of the road and littering the grassy medians I could retire now a rich woman.

When you participate in an action that causes you to be oblivious to the health and well-being of others it is a problem. When you know that your habit harms others and you choose to do it anyway - it's reprehensible.

So yea I'm going to tell you that smoking is bad. I'm going to point out that it stains your teeth and fingers, that it makes your hair and clothes stink. I'm going to remind you that you're not only killing yourself but those around you. And if that makes me self-righteous or passive aggressive then I'm ok with that.

Because this is my planet too damn it. This is my air, and my streets and my restaurant that I'm having dinner at with my boyfriend. And we shouldn't have to walk through your cloud of smoke or see the trash of your habit in our park because you're to selfish to care about the people you're hurting.

Can't live with 'em can't kill 'em..

Or can you?

When I first decided to jump head first into the 'wide world of dating' I asked 'Jane', gal pal, fellow blogger and One Date Wonder extraordinaire to guest post on my blog. She shared her knowledge on how to initiate first contact in online dating, the best if not most polite way to decline or deter interest from a would be suitor that you'd rather not be well suited by and several more pearls of wisdom that my dating deficit had left me not knowing.

Last night my non-existent love life got a little more complicated and my brain is in a bit of a fuzz, so I've asked Jane if I could borrow her latest post and spread a little more sage advice amongst you all. Don't worry, I'll fill you in on the latest complication soon, but for now... check out Jane's advice on how to handle a break-up.

And let me tell you - I wish I'd read this 6 years ago the 1st time my ex-fiance and I broke up. I may have saved myself about 7 more break-ups and a 2nd engagement. Then again I'm pretty hard headed so maybe not. Hope you're a better listener than I would have been ;)

Breaking up is hard to do

Unfortunately when it comes to breaking up, there is no magic bullet. No one sure fire way to erase the pain and move on. No path to avoid longing, or pain, or heart break. And no way to erase memories. It’s going to hurt. And anyone who tells you otherwise is a filthy liar. The only thing you can do is to develop a way to survive through the time it will take for your heart to mend again. And that’s what I’ve been invited here to talk about with you today. Because, of course, I have an opinion on this.

My breakup philosophy is pure and simple like the freshly fallen snow, and is called Dead To Me (DTM). DTM is a straightforward philosophy both simple in name and premise. Practice is deceptively difficult. In short, you new ex is now dead to you. No longer exists. *poof*

First you must explain DTM to all of your friends. Surely they have all been there, all love you, and all believe that ex was never good enough for you anyway. They will help to distract you, keep from talking endlessly about him, and definitely keep you from contacting him.

Regarding contact, here is the thing: Your ex is dead (to you). We do not call the dead on the telephone. We do not send the dead emails. We do not text the dead when we are drunk. The dead are beyond these means of communication. So when fully practicing DTM, all of these are automatically prohibited. As part of the DTM philosophy all of those means of contact must be erased. (Ladies seriously, in your cell phones? This includes saved voice mails, your contact list, text message history, and your recent and missed calls. I know all your tricks. Stop holding on over there.) Please also add any other means of online, telephone, cell phone, or other communication you can think of. Simple so far, right?

Unfortunately, sometimes the dead refuse to stay that way. These zombies of exes will pop up. They will want to just say hi, or be friends, or possibly have a booty call. Now listen carefully… have you ever seen those old horror flicks? The black and white ones, with the zombies? Seriously, would you go to bed with that? Hell no! Those are to be attacked with axes or burning stakes or something. Not welcomed back into your cell phone, or your MySpace, or your bed. Zombie sex…. just ick. Plus I’m sure that kissing a zombie results in you becoming undead yourself. And really, who wants that? Remember, if your pesky ex reappears, he is a zombie and is to be ignored.

On a more serious note, the last step is unfortunately the hardest. Even if you manage to stop contacting him and even if you manage not to let him wheedle his way back in, the part that no one can really help you with is making your heart forget. The purpose of DTM is to give you the room to let go. It is easy to imagine maybe things weren’t that bad and to get caught up in missing him. But for the most part, whatever did you in the first time will do you in again. That is usually the way way of things. So it is best to hold on to DTM instead of holding on to him. Hold on to your friends, not your zombie. I will not lie… it won’t be easy. But eventually, you will heal.