In the words of George Michael...

Wake me up before you go-go,
Take me dancing tonight

So I'm never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythm,
So I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you

Life's a dance you learn as you go,
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance

It’s natural
It’s chemical (let’s do it)
It’s logical
Habitual (can we do it?)
It’s sensual
But most of all ...
Sex is something..


Sorry got off track for a moment. The third and fourth ones aren't George Michael, and the last one..well my mind wandered for a moment.


Life is like a dance huh? I suppose I can see that.

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately {like that's something I don't already do entirely too much of} and I guess you could say I've realized that I think I'm missing the dance.

Not entirely, I mean I got all prettied up, put on my make-up, squeezed into my fancy dress and uncomfortable shoes and I went to the gymnasium, but that's where my dance stopped.

Instead of getting out on the floor and shaking my bon bon, I've stood on the sidelines and watched everyone else make fools of themselves. I watched everyone else - have fun.

I guess I should warn you now - this may be long, and it's probably going to ramble.


I've been talking to a new friend the past few days about life, how people process things in their lives and the ever nagging, yet never answered question in the back of every obsessive compulsive's mind - WHY?

Why do things happen the way they do?
Why they happen when they do?
Why do they always seem to happen to other people instead of me or vice versa?

I'm going to say something now that might sound completely ridiculous, but the people reading this who are like me, they will totally get it.

Some times being smart sucks ass. And I'm not specifically talking high IQ smart, or street smart, or book smart or any kind of smart classified by some kind of test.

I'm talking about being the kind of smart that refuses to ever ever ever let your brain rest. The kind that keeps you up because you're always thinking about something new you learned, or something you want to learn, or something you know you should have learned but didn't and can't quite figure out why you haven't.

Heck maybe that has nothing to do with being smart at all, maybe it's just my jacked up brain, but I do know I'm smart, and I honestly truly believe that if I were less intelligent, less of a 'thinking person' I'd be much more at peace with my life than I am now.


Things with PT and I are not going well. In fact they are close to falling over the edge of not going at all.

My life, the experiences I've had, my seeming inability to properly process things, and my insatiable desire to know why, how, what, when and why some more, about everything I come across just may have proven to be more than this particular 'relationship' can handle.

I've come to the conclusion that my emotional, physical and mental psyches have split personalities. Not like 'Hi Im Syble, No! I'm Syble!!' split personalities, more like opposite sides of a coin that are never able to mesh.

The Emotional: There is a part of me that is completely apathetic to life and everything in it. I don't care about work, school, friends, family, nothing. I really don't want to be bothered to hear about your day or how you're feeling. I just. don't. care.

Then there is a part that is, in the recent words of an old school friend, 'a brilliant empath'. I feel everything. About everything. I can read someone in a second just by looking at them and feel everything they feel, and desire to reach out in any way I can to help.

The Mental: It is what it is. Crap happens. Put on your big girl panties, deal with it and move on.

Why? Why did that happen? Why did he say that? Is that what he meant or was he trying to be nice? What if I were like that person, would I have more friends? Why, Why, Why?

The Physical: The physical I think is a combination of all three; physical, mental and emotional. On one hand I'm the nice girl, the good girl who believes in love and commitment and happily every after. That sharing yourself with someone is special and that someone can melt your soul with a kiss.

Then there's the girl who just wants to f**k. No strings, no attachments, no feelings, just physical, physical, physical. Wham, bam, thank you - you get the point.

In 32 years of life I have yet to figure out how to get any of those two sides of myself to peacefully coexist.

I lack the ability to deal in shades of gray. I'm either all one, or all the other, but never a healthy combination of any.

So - PT.

When PT and I first started talking I did not allow myself to be interested. He was young and I just wasn't going to go there. But he was cute and charming and funny and I finally said what the heck.

So we went out and if you haven't already done so, you can read about the absolutely most perfect first date ever -here-.

The instant I met him something just clicked in me and I felt safe. I felt completely at ease, comfortable, good. I felt good about myself, I felt like I could be who I was, issues and all, and he would not look at me any differently.

I have to tell you, that is NOT something I feel often. I have only ever felt like that with one other person in my life and that was my ex-fiance. I'll let the EX part speak for itself.

So in talking to the friend I mentioned earlier and things PT has said, I've begun to realize that part of the reason things have gone so drastically wrong is how I reacted to that safe feeling.

When you go through your life never really feeling like you fit, never feeling like you belong in any group, or that anyone ever really understands you, and then you find someone who gives you that missing feeling you want to grab on to it for all it's worth.

So in trying too hard to 'keep a good thing' once I'd found it, I've inadvertently succeeded in pushing it away.

Right now things are very tense. He feels smothered, but he's leaving in a week so I want to cling. I've tried to back off and just be a friend, but everyone is different and it seems that where this is one of the times that my mental processing switches to the 'ok crap happened, move on' setting, he needs time to sort things out and get past stuff that's already happened before he can move on to everything 'being ok'. It sucks, and I'm sad and angry and hurt and confused and yet hopeful all at the same time.

I'm angry that my lack of male/female social interaction growing up has left me ill equipped to deal with situations like these.

I'm confused about why I can't seem to be ok with 'not knowing why'. Why I always push and push and push instead of just standing back and letting things happen in their own time.

I'm hurt and sad that my actions have caused him stress and anxiety.

Yet, I'm hopeful, because in spite of all of my spazzing out he still hasn't given up on me.

He's leaving this Thursday for Japan and we'll email. Maybe not as much as I'd like, and definitely not as much as the talking every day we have been doing, but it's something, and for now, in the bigger picture of how things have been and how they could have turned out - it's more than enough.

Mr Right....just not right "now"

I've been giving a lot of thought about how to proceed with the documentation of whatever is progressing between PT, the fantastic fella I went out with Saturday, and myself and I have to admit I'm at a bit of an impasse.

There is most definitely a seriously intense connection between PT and I and not just in a physical way. Although that particular connection is just ridiculously HOT.

In just the several hours we spent together Saturday and talking and texting since we've discovered so many things we have in common. We have similar views on life, love, religion, politics and more.

Not saying we see eye to eye on every topic we've discussed but one thing we definitely agree on, and which I think is so very important, is the belief that we can all have different views and or opinions but still respect each other.

We both believe that there is no topic that is unacceptable or too taboo for discussion, and we both are open minded enough to listen to one another and regardless of whether we agree or not, still respect each other's point of view.

That being said there are other factors that happen to be present that seem to be making the "progression" of our interest in each other a delicate and possibly tangled web to be wove.

So I'm not sure how much to talk about, or not talk about. I have no doubt it's going to go somewhere, but exactly where it's going or how it will get there is something I'm completely unsure of.

One positive thing I can say about PT, ok so it's like the 8th or 9th positive thing I've said, is that he's the most open guy I've ever met. By that I mean open to direct and honest conversation. He understands that I need to know what's going on, what he wants, what his intentions are and doesn't mind telling me, and he doesn't mind listening to those same things from me as well.

He dislikes the "game" of dating as much as I do and is completely comfortable laying it all out on the table, so to speak. I mean how often does a first date conversation get to the point of "Ok this is what I'm looking for, this is what you're looking for, this is what I'm not looking for, this is what you're not looking for.. now how do we match what matches and work around what doesn't?" and neither person get freaked out or overwhelmed or scared away?

Heck, maybe it happens all the time and I'm really just so out of the loop that I didn't know guys were capable and willing to really "talk" these days. But I'm thinking more than likely I just got really lucky.. or I prefer to think blessed that this particular fella found me when he did.

So don't despair my fine friends.. I will blog more, and I will share more, and I'm sure it will be soon... but as for now what, when and how much sharing is to be done will remain a mystery not only to you.. but to myself as well.

Happy and successful adventuring to us both =)

The Very Best First Last Date Ever...

A few weeks ago a guy messaged me on OKCupid. He was cute, funny, but young(ish) so I didn't really put any serious interest into his communication.

We ended up chatting on Yahoo messenger and against my better judgment, when he asked me out on Friday I said yes.

Remind me to not listen to my better judgment more often. It is completely clueless.

Well after a bunch of spastic texts trying to figure out what we were going to do (me being the spaz) we decided to go to the park, hang out for a while then go to dinner.

Municipal park here in Mobile is really nice. It surrounds a small body of water that I suppose you'd call a lake, or large pond, so the plan was to just sit out near the water and get to know each other.

Here's a pic of the park from the City of Mobile website.

The original plan was that PT, I guess I need to give him a name, and he drives a PT Cruiser so I suppose that will work, anyway, PT was supposed to pick me up at 5pm, we'd hang at the park or a couple hours then go to dinner at 7pm.

Well by 3:15, I'm ready, apparently he's ready and we're both just waiting for 5 o'clock to roll around. He texts me and asks what I'm doing, I say nothing, just waiting, what is he doing, he replies the same. So I say that if he'd like he can go ahead and come get me and we'll just go out early.

I want to say here that this was the first date I'd been on in over 8 years. I was in a relationship from 2000-2003 and I just really hadn't felt mentally or emotionally ready to meet someone between then and now.

So as I'm standing outside waiting for him to get there I text him "I feel like I'm going to throw up. Tell me again why I have no reason to be nervous".

I know.. nice huh? It's a wonder he didn't turn the car around right then and go back home. But he didn't. He's pretty terrific that way. :-)

He pulls up, and I don't even give the poor guy a chance to show me the gentleman he is, I just run walk quickly to the car and get in. On the way to the park conversation was light and comfortable.

We get to the park and decide to sit on a platform that's right at the edge of the water. While we're walking to the platform we hear music. Turns out there was a band playing in the pavilion that day.

We didn't go up close enough to really see, but from the sound of the singer it was an old black man and a younger lady, and they were singing old gospel and blues songs. And since both PT and I have a very strong love of God there really couldn't have been a more perfect backdrop.

The weather couldn't have behaved any better either. Sunny, but cool, with a really nice breeze that would come and go.

So we're sitting on the platform, looking out over the water, watching ducks wander around the park, listening to old gospel and blues in the background, talking about this and that and it starts to sprinkle. Just a very light mist, not enough to get you wet but enough to feel cool when the sun started getting warm.

I like to think what happened next was pure serendipity. I've never been kissed in the rain. Sad I know. Well as I'm sitting there thinking, he's really cute, and we really seem to click, and we have so much in common, and I've never been kissed in the rain, and this would so be the perfect moment if he just leaned over, he says, "You know something I've never done?".

"What's that?" I ask.

He looks at me and says, "I've never kissed in the rain."

I'm grinning like an idiot right now typing this lol - some times life really really is good.

So I say, "Really?, Neither have I."

I'm thinking to myself. Ok this is the moment.. he's going to lean over and kiss me and it will be perfect!

Nope.

So we're sitting there.. just sitting.. silence.. sitting.. FINALLY!!

And it was the sweetest moment ever. Then he says.. "oops.. it stopped raining"

We laugh and kiss again.

We ended up sitting there chatting for almost 4 hours, and not once was there an awkward or stilted or uncomfortable moment the entire time.

Shortly before 7pm we left the park to go to dinner at a little sushi place. I've never had sushi and really wasn't sure I'd like it, but I'll try almost anything once so I decided what the heck.

I have to be honest, it was pretty darn good. We had smoked salmon, and California rolls and some little dumpling looking things. Oh yea and the whole using ginger to cleanse your palate with thing? Genius! Warning - if you've never eaten raw ginger, it's got a hella bite to it. But once you're done chewing the taste is gone and it really does leave your taste buds clean for the next bite.

The restaurant was short staffed that night so between chatting and waiting and eating, dinner lasted close to two hours, but again, just complete comfort. Like meeting an old friend for the first time, if that makes any sense.

After dinner we decided to go back to the park. We stopped by my apartment to pick up a blanket and when we got to the park we laid it out on the grass and, are you ready for this, it's so sweet I almost can't type it... we spent the next hour talking and lying under the stars. OK so we only talked some.. and made out a little more than some, but it was really the absolute perfect ending to an absolutely perfect date.

After we were uh kindly instructed by the local PD that the park closes after dark, well there wasn't a sign!!, he drove me home. When he pulled up at my apartment he turned off the car, which I thought was odd, so I asked if he was going to come in.

A gentleman to the end.. He said no, but that he was going to walk me to the door. I know how sweet.

So as perfect as this all was, you may be wondering why I titled this the Very Best First Last Date Ever...

I think I'll save that for the next post, so make sure to stick around to find out :)

Hi, nice to meet you my name is.. NEXT!

So my new roommate moved in this past weekend. Her name is Renee and she seems pretty cool so far. Her mom flew down with her from Oregon to help her get moved in and told Renee's dad on a phone call that I'm "a nice girl, yes a very nice girl". Aww.

Well Renee was asking me about stuff to do in Mobile, and as I've briefly mentioned before.. uh I don't get out much, so I didn't really have much to tell her. I'm not what one would call a social butterfly by any means. I mean I'm perfectly capable of holding a deep intellectual conversation about any of many subjects that I'm passionate about. But when it comes to "small talk", hey, how are you, what do you do, stuff like that, I totally suck.

Renee on the other hand is, I'm beginning to think, a social butterfly extraordinaire. She actually went on MySpace and did a search for people around her age that were local here in Mobile, and messaged them! "Hey my name is Renee, I'm moving to Mobile and looking to meet people, hang out etc." Or something along those lines.

Of course she refined the search with some important criteria, not crazy, somewhat educated, breathing. (j/k) She's already got people, mostly guys I think, calling her and asking her to meet up with them. I'd die a thousand slow deaths before I had the nerve to do something like that!

So when I mention that I've lived a pretty solitary existence since I became single.. in April... of 2004 she asked if I'd ever been speed dating.

I'm sorry what?

I've never even been Slow dating. What do you mean speed dating? I mean I understand the general concept, I watch movies. You go to a restaurant or cafe, put a classy sticker on your chest that says "Hi, My Name is Mollie - I'm lonely and socially inept" and play musical tables while someone rings a bell every 3 minutes.

What the heck can you say to someone that will give you any idea if you'd get along, much less possibly be the man of your dreams, future husband and father of your children, in 3 minutes?!

Maybe it's because I just can't seem to do the "small talk" thing. I grew up playing sports and hanging out with guys as one of the guys. So conversations with new guys for me go something like, "Dude did you catch that Pistons game?, Ben Wallace is the sh*t!". And that's only after someone, usually a guy, that I already know has initiated the conversation and I just chime in now and then.

But Renee has decided to take it upon her self, take me under her wing, and thrust me head first, stumbling, feet dragging and clutching on for dear life to the arm of the sofa, into society via speed dating.

I don't know if Mobile even has speed dating anywhere, but lucky me, she works at USA, so if there's someone who knows someone who knows someone, who's been to or heard of where there may be a speed dating event, that's the place to find them. Yay.

I'm thrilled. No really I am. I'm not kidding. Ok maybe I am just a little. Not about her dragging me to a speed dating thing, rather about how much I'm looking forward to it. cringe

Who knows, the first guy I see may be so charmingly handsome and approachable that I can skip going to the next table, or the next 13 after that. Of course that would mean he'd have to find me as equally charming and handsome, err cute and offer to continue chatting for that to work. Here's Hoping!!

More than alone....

Life is a funny thing.. and emotions are fickle.

Three days ago I was filled with joy and a love for life.

Today... blah is the only word I can think of that somewhat describes my mental and emotional state. Nothing has changed since then. No new events or catastrophes have transpired that can explain my lack of happy. It's just not there anymore.

Since I was a kid I've struggled with being sad. Often with good cause, but sometimes without reason. At least no discernible reason I could or can pin point. Logic, and science and a therapist or two say this is depression. Not a huge deal right? Hundreds of people suffer from depression, some mild, some severe. Well for someone who's a perfectionist with a bit of an obsessive compulsive personality depression just isn't an acceptable option.

Depression means there is something in my body, my head that doesn't work right. Something that's missing something it needs to "make" me happy. So how does someone who is a firm believer that mind over matter is more than just a catch phrase and people are solely and completely responsible for their own happiness explain that she more often than not is unable to be happy? She can't. I can't.

I was the kid who came home and grounded myself in 7th grade for making a B on my report card. I cleaned the whole house and left a note on the kitchen table for my parents that I was grounded and horribly disappointed in myself. I was the kid who cracked her knuckles punching a dent in the paper towel holder in the school bathroom for making 2nd chair in band. As a freshman. Out of about 17 other alto sax players. 1st chair was a senior. I was 1st chair tenor sax out of 2 of us and the ONLY oboe player in the entire band. You read that correctly. That means I played 3 instruments in band. Over achiever much? So depression equals less than perfect, or at least less than the absolute very best I can be, which equals not acceptable.

Therein lies the dilemma. I've been to therapy before. Two different therapists, two different states. The first one wanted to put me on antidepressants by the 3rd visit. I'm ridiculously anti-medication. Reference the above "mind over matter" thing. The second one just told me that I was right in how I felt and everyone in my life was wrong. Yea that helped.

Why am I so hard on myself? Maybe 3rd time will be the charm and a new therapist (yes I'm in search for one) will be more successful in sorting out my deep rooted issues than the previous two. Therapy is even difficult for me. It means I have stuff, crap that I need to talk about so I can deal with it. It means that I've slacked in being able to control my life and my reactions to events, people, etc in it. Again.. less than perfect. Again.. not acceptable.

I think the only reason I've finally gotten to the point where therapy is an option is that allowing things in my life to adversely effect me translates in to not being able to NOT allow them. So if getting an outside unbiased view of how to unscramble the scrambled mess that is my head will enable me to have more control (I'm a bit of a freak about control ) then it can be deemed a somewhat acceptable avenue.

What does any of this have to do with the title of this post you ask?

Allow me to expound:

I've always been a bit of an independent child. My mom told me recently that when I was about 7yrs old I just up and decided that I wanted to be grown. And have been ever since. I've never felt any deep attachment to my parents or many of my other relatives. I love them all dearly, but have never been really close to any of them. I've always been a bit different. Interested in other things, had different views, opposing opinions, wanted other things.

I'd say it was a safe estimate that about 85% of my family have at least at one time if not regularly done drugs. I've never tried a single drug. Ever. Probably 70% of my family drink or participate in some sort of recreational drug use, be it weed, prescription pill abuse or something heavier. I've never been drunk and can count on both hands all the times I've ever actually tasted alcohol. Close to 90% of my family smoke cigarettes. I despise the smell of smoke and won't even touch a cigarette. I've in fact since moving away from my family and not being around smoke for several years have developed an allergy to it. I think it would be a safe guess to say that probably 65+% of my family had sex by or before the age of 16. The first guy I had sex with was also the first guy I french kissed. I was 24.

So needless to say (at least I think it's pretty obvious) I've always felt out of place. In my family, in school, in life in general. I don't buy into much of what she says but Sylvia Browne said on an episode of Montel (she's a regular guest) that people live several lives, and often when someone feels "out of sorts" or disconnected for most of their life it's because they're living out their "last life". I'm not sure if I believe we live multiple lives or not. I'm not saying we do, I'm not saying we don't. My views on life, spirituality, religion and God have drastically changed over the past couple of years and some things, multiple lifetimes being one of them, I'm just not sure what I believe about anymore. But it, feeling disconnected, definitely struck a cord with me.

Have you ever been in a room full of people, be it family, friends, or just a bunch of strangers in a bar or at a party, and felt like you simply were different than everyone there? That you didn't fit. I've felt that way pretty much every day of my life. I question things most people don't question, I should have a doctorate in over analyzing things and making them more difficult than they should be. I care entirely too much about things that shouldn't matter and can't seem to force myself to give a shit about the things that should. I've more compassion for the plight of a complete stranger than I do for someone who shares the same blood as me.

And I have no idea why.

Again you ask.. are we coming to a point here.. does any of this have anything to do with the title I read wayyyy up there?

I posted a blog a few days ago saying I was going to venture into the world of dating. For the first time in my life. A few days before that I posted about how beautiful Mobile was and how I really enjoyed living here.

I'll wait a minute if you'd like to go back and read to catch up.

.........................
..............................

Well the thing about being single is you don't have anyone to share all the little things in life that amaze you with. I was single for 25yrs of my life then met and fell in love with my ex-fiance. I went from 25 yrs of sharing nothing with anyone to 3yrs of sharing everything with one person. Then I was single again. Why we broke up is a story that I may or may not share on another day. Long story short, he was abusive, inconsiderate and immature. As if any of those things are ever exclusive of the other.

He was also in my OCD/Perfectionism distorted mind a failure, or more distinctly something at which I failed. I was unable, in spite of everything I tried to make the relationship work. Had I been in my right mind, not saying my my mind is entirely "right" now, but it's come along some, I would have realized that it stopped being a relationship shortly after it begun. It became a dictatorship, an ownership and many other things all of which I was not in control.

Once it ended I was so distraught over so many things, being single again, losing the person who I thought had been my best friend, confidante and lover, going from being able to share everything with someone to once again having no one with which to share anything, that I closed myself off from the outside world rather than risk any chance of being so totally crushed once again. All of the friends I had before we met were guys, which was unacceptable to him so I blindly cut contact with people who had been dear friends. My family couldn't stand him, (hmm think they saw something I didn't, or was unwilling to?) but I was in love so rather than lose him I gradually stopped talking to them. He became my everything, my world. I'd never been in a relationship before and didn't have anything experiences to compare to know that I was digging myself a hole that I'd soon be in completely alone, with no way or one to help me out.

I severed ties with him in November of 2004, which meant I also severed ties with all of his family and friends, who had also become my family and friends. I was alone. I was angry. I was hurt and there was no way I was going to put myself "out there" for someone else to realize I wasn't what they wanted so they could throw me away again. So I stayed alone, angry and hurt. The angry.. for the most part I've worked through and it's faded to just confusion and sadness. The hurt.. I think will probably stay with me for a very long time to some extent. The alone... I'm still there and I'm tired of it.

For a while being alone was ok. It didn't necessarily mean being lonely. I like my space and my privacy. I enjoy time alone reading, or watching movies, or just being. I'm a pro at throwing myself head first up to my eyeballs in something to distract myself from life. Church is one of those things. I have a really hard time doing anything half way and tend to jump full throttle into things and go overboard. For a couple years I searched for what I was missing in church. Not in God.. but in church, in the people, the music, the message, the fellowship. I longed for a feeling of family, of belonging and if you can't feel that in church where can you? At first it was awkward, not knowing anyone, hoping people would notice me and introduce themselves. Then it was nice, being greeted by name when I came in, people asking how I was, telling me they missed me when I didn't make it to service. Then it became awkward again, feeling like I had to make small talk or share myself with people who, although were really nice, I didn't know that well.

I'm complicated and I have this insanely deep rooted fear that if I let people know me.. really know me they'll be disgusted, or disapproving or just not like me. So rather than face possible rejection I just keep everyone out, effectively keeping myself from being hurt by someone else. What I've recently realized though, is that while keeping other people out, I'm keeping myself in, and although I may have prevented someone outside from hurting me, I've hurt myself.

There's a blog I read Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper that I relate to in a way I'm not sure therapy could even explain. Crystal - the author reminds me a lot of me. She puts in words fears I've yet to fully reveal even to myself. She's found someone who loves her not in spite of, but possibly because of all her quirks, fears, and craziness. She gives me hope. If she ever happens to stumble across my blog I want to say Thank you Crystal, for being yourself, for seeing past your fear and putting yourself out there for the world to see. It's given me the courage to take a step in whatever direction out there is. It may be just one step.. and a baby step at that, but it's a step forward rather than staying stationary, which I've realized just may be worse than taking two steps back.

I guess I said all that to say that I'm lonely.. and alone. and I don't want to be either anymore.

To everything.. turn, turn turn

There is a season.. a time for Change!

If you're here then you've noticed things look a bit different. Well you'll only notice they're different now if you've been here before. In which case I say Thank you for returning! If this is your first visit. Where the hell have you been?!?


*crickets, chirp, chirp*


I really need to stop thinking I'm so damn funny.

I've decided, ok not so much decided as stumbled headfirst into the realization, that it's time to take my life in a different direction.

"Ummm Mollie", you say (hi, I'm Mollie btw - nice to meet you), Your title says Crazy Cat Lady.. isn't that the uh Wrong direction?


Precisely!!


Confused?

It's ok.. confused isn't so bad a place.. I visit there often. Usually I'll stop there during my even more frequent travels along the streets of "I'm going to over analyze things now" & "but I just don't Understand!" I wouldn't recommend staying there long though. It's more one of those "I'd like to visit but wouldn't want to live" kind of places.

Last year brought around many a realizations, moments of enlightenment, changes, determinations, melt downs and even an epiphany or two.

So it was as I was standing in Wal-mart *expletive* totally fascinated with a CAT TOY that I decided it's high past time for me to get my ass in gear and get a life.

Yesterday I waxed poetic about the beauty of Mobile, AL and realized that.. hmm other than driving to work, and driving from work, and the occasional trip to the store I have no idea what Mobile is all about. There's a LOT of really cool stuff here.

Don't be a smarty pants.. I looked online. That's how I know.

I've been using this blog as an outlet for well.. pretty much everything. Good days, bad days, funny days, sad days. Ha I rhymed. See I told you I need a life.

Well that's going to change. I still am the same gal who loves life, saving the planet, ending world hunger and poverty etc. but I'm going to leave that kind of stuff for my MySpace page. This blog is going to become the journal so to speak of my forays into the world of (whispered) dating. I say Into rather than Back into because well.. folks.. sad as it is to say. I've never dated. I went on uhh I think 2 dates in my early twenties, met my now ex fiance online in May of 2000, talked with him for a few weeks then moved in with him. That lasted 3 yrs. My first and so far only relationship took up the years of my life from ages 25 to 28. I'm now 32. I've been single, celibate and undated since November of 2003. We actually "broke up" for the last time in April, but as many of you probably know.. well.. just because you're "broken up" doesn't mean you stop boinking. November 2003 was when the dust bunnies and cobwebs took up residence in my hoo-ha. For those of you who don't speak cute genital nic name language, my vagina.

I'll give you a moment...

You're probably thinking.. either this girl is busted butt ugly, or she's nuts, or a martyr.

That's me. You decide lol

I was always a very mature, responsible, independent child. Those characteristics have only increased as I've gotten older. I was more interested in school and sports than boys so I guess I never seemed approachable by guys growing up. I was one of the guys. Much more tomboy than girly girl. Plus I didn't put out.. at all. I didn't even kiss on the first date. Well the 2 dates I had. So apparently that put me off the being asked out grid. I could spend hours upon hours trying to figure out why I was single until I was 25, but for the most part I suppose it was all just a choice.

After my ex-fiance and I stopped seeing each other I was too devastated to even think about putting myself back "out there". Why do people say "out there"? It makes dating and relationships sound like this whole other scary planet or something. No wonder I stayed away from it lol. Omg you're going "out there"?!? Where the single, horny, lonely, crazy people are?!? Nooo stay HERE.. where the realllllllly single, horny, lonely, crazy people are! It's SAFER.

See me rolling my eyes.

Anyway, it's been 4 years and by golly it's time. Yes I said by golly, get over it. I'm strange. I know it and I'm ok with it. Sort of. Mostly. Sometimes.

The problem I'm facing now is I'm relatively new to the city in which I live and I don't know anyone. I love dancing but going to a bar or club alone just isn't all that appealing to me. Plus I'm "wookin por nub" not a hook-up or an std or being cut up in little pieces and stuffed in a trunk.

So I bequeath thee, my 3 readers. Help a sistah out! How do you meet people when you don't know anyone? Where dost thou frequent to put one's self "out there"?

I can promise you the stories to follow - If I ever actually get asked on a date that is - will induce laughter.

Disclaimer:

Potential suitors must meet the following requirements:

• Have a JOB
• Have their OWN place or at least a place they share with a roommate, not the room they grew up in as a kid in their parent's house. Unless they now own said house and live there minus the parents.
• Be in possession of their own personal transportation. Preferably CLEAN, or at least somewhat clean.
• Not smoke, and only drink occasionally, or socially if at all.
• Not expect to get laid or participate in an avid game of tonsil hockey the first time we meet.
• Speak E N G L I S H - yo babe holla, is not an acceptable form of grammar and does not constitute a complete sentence.
• Be passionate - about life, love, liberty and the pursuit of dark chocolate.
• Beginning to see why I don't date?!?

In the words of....

The late great Marilyn Monroe:


I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Leaving yesterday behind..

I'm going to warn you ahead of time - today's blog is probably going to ramble a bit..

To say it's been a rough weekend would be grossly over simplifying things. It's been rough, it's been sad, it's been angry, it's been enlightening, it's been a time of release, a time of relief, a time of self discovery and self preservation - and those are only some of the spectrum of emotions I've wandered through since Friday evening at 5pm.

We'll start off with how my day ended Friday.

Normally Michael - my co-worker gives me a ride to the bus stop just over 1/2 mile up the street. (Let me redefine "normally" b/c "normally" I get in my car and drive home! Normally in this case means since my car accident on 11/21) The bus usually comes between 5:20 and 5:30pm. Yes I've been waiting outside in the freezing cold for half an hour every day after work. Yes it kinda sucks - but I read to pass the time - standing or rather leaning against a power pole on the side of the street. Well I read until the street light goes out - which I'll NEVER understand why street lights EVER turn off after dark, but that's a whole different blog I'll post one day on things I just don't get!. So anyway, Michael called off work Friday - he felt bad (excuse the eye rolling here - Michael is a kid - 24yrs old who thanks to a short stint in the Marines, thinks he is THE SH*T and talks about how awesome he is pretty much all day. He didn't "feel bad", he knew our boss was out of town and he could get out of sitting in the office all day). But anyway since Michael wasn't at work I walked up to the Win-Dixie on the corner a block down from where my bus stop is. It was only 5:05 so I knew I had time to run in and get a couple things I needed. I even set the alarm on my phone for 5:15 to make sure I was out of the store in plenty of time to walk one block up before the bus came.

I walked out of the store at exactly 5:14, my alarm went off as I was walking across the parking lot. There were still 5-10 mins before the bus came so I figured I'd walk up the street to a closer bus stop - not worried about missing the bus b/c if it came before I made it to an actual stop it would have to drive pass me and I'd wave and the driver would stop. So I'm walking... walking... walking.. it's 5:20, 5:25, 5:35.. no bus. I don't worry, thinking well maybe it's late so I keep walking, knowing for sure there is a bus stop just outside the library a little further down the street. I get to that stop at about 5:45-5:50. Still no bus.. Still not worrying - or even agitated yet.. it's a nice night out - not too cool, not too warm - there's a nice breeze. I sat at the bus stop (there was a bench at this one) and thought I'll just read until the bus comes, maybe it came early and I missed it but another one will be coming soon.

Little did I know the bus I catch in the evening after work is the LAST time that particular bus runs it's route! So 6:15 - 6:30 comes and goes and I'm getting a little irritated by now. It's late, I'm tired I want to be home. I try calling the Wave Transit customer service # to see if I've missed the bus, if there's another bus coming.. no answer - I select 1 for customer service and scheduling - ring, ring, ring, ring. I call back and select 2 for Operations - ring, ring, ring, ring. I call back and select 0 for the operator - ring, ring, ring, ring. I call back and select 3 for complaints and feedback - ring, ring, ring, "hello - I'm sorry we don't have bus schedules in this department - call back and select 0 for the operator". Seeing a pattern here??? So I start walking - thinking either I'll run into another stop or I'll pass a bus soon. I knew my normal bus ran this route - again what I DIDN'T know was that my normal bus had retired for the evening and wouldn't be passing by again until the morning. So I walk, and walk, and walk - I mapped it after I finally ended up getting home and it was just under 3 miles I walked - from my office to where I finally caught a bus.

I ended up finding another stop with a different number than the one I had been calling - ring, ring, "hello" - "Yes I need to find out when a bus will be coming by this stop - or where the next closest stop is I can catch a bus". "Let me transfer you to that department" - "Extension 222 is currently unavailable - please hold - your call will be ordered in the answer it was received""We're sorry extension 222 is not available at this time - this box is not currently accepting new messages - goodbye". I went through this last step about 6 times before I finally go the lady to buzz the driver that drove the route for the bus stop I'd made it to on the walkie-talkie. (WHY IN GOD'S NAME DIDN'T SHE DO THAT TO BEGIN WITH?!?). So she tells me - via the driver - that there is a stop right around the corner - only 2 more blocks - and that bus goes to the mall (where I need to catch my connecting bus) and will be there at 7:05.

It's 6:45 now.

So I walk to that stop and waited - needless to say my feet hurt, it was getting cold by now, I was tired, cranky and more than a little peeved at the whole situation. 7:05 the bus pulls up. YAY!!!! Don't get so excited - the bus driver tells me she's off and won't be going to the mall. She can drop me off near the freeway off ramp and all I'll have to do is walk over a busy road right where cars are zooming on and off the freeway and the mall is RIGHT THERE! Deep breath... in with the good air, out with the bad - Wuuuuuu saaahhhhhh. (you'll only get that last part if you've seen Rush Hour) "Ma'am", I ask the driver - "do you have any idea WHY the lady on the phone would tell me you'd be going to the mall if you weren't?!?!?" "Well she just assumed I would.. I should be off by now". She and I debated back and forth a bit - she was obviously in a fowl mood herself since she thought she should have been off by now and I was in more than a fowl mood b/c I'd just walked 3 flippin miles after missing my bus, then get on a bus that I was told would take me where I needed to go, ONLY to be told that I would have to walk some more, and over a busy on/off ramp overpass at that!! After me telling her more than a few times that I was indeed NOT being rude, I was just frustrated and confused as to 1. why my bus never came, 2. why the lady told me she'd take me to the mall if she wouldn't..(there are more reasons to my frustration of course, but those were the 2 that seemed most relevant to my conversation with her). She finally offered to drive me herself from the Wave station where they drop off the buses to the mall. It was probably less than a mile but I would have had to cross a major interstate to get there walking. I thanked her PROFUSELY! So I finally get to the mall around 7:30pm. The next bus I need doesn't come until.... are you ready?....

8:20pm. I got off work at 5PM. It's taken me 3 miles of walking and 2 1/2 hours to catch one bus, only to wait another 50 mins before the bus comes that will finally.. finally take me home. I hate shopping so wandering the mall just isn't even the slightest bit appealing to me, but I am hungry (I've kinda passed my normal dinner time by now) so I set the alarm on my phone and begin the search for a food court. I moved to Mobile in May of this year and have yet to actually step food inside the mall - I really really hate shopping. After turning a few corners and looking for one of those wall things that tells you where everything is - and not finding one - I stop a security guard and ask her where the food court is. She laughs at me - huh?! She says there isn't one - used to be but now there's only.. and she proceeds to name off 4 food places left in the mall. Only one of which I have any hope of finding anything without meat in it to eat. So I head to the Chinese place - there's a guy behind the counter yelling - yes yelling at the top of his lungs - BoBu Cheeka!! I didn't actually know he was saying bourbon chicken until I got up to the counter and saw the sign showing the special of the day - Seriously.

I had some fried rice - took my sweet time eating - and headed back outside to the bus station. I finally made it home at about 9pm. I was exhausted - cranky - sore - aggravated - irritated - any kind of peeved adjective you can think of - I was. I wanted nothing more than to kick off my shoes and fall directly into bed - clothes and all - I'd feed the cats in the morning. But nooo that would be entirely too easy lol - (see I'm able to have a sense of humor about this 3 days later. That's good right?) Why is that it's just impossible to lay down right after you get home - instead you have to have that time to "unwind". To just sit and do nothing. I know where I can do nothing.. in MY BED! Anyhoo I unwound and went to bed and slept like death till the next morning.

I told you this was going to ramble a bit... sorry

Saturday I realized I needed toilet paper, garbage bags and cat litter. There are 2 Rite-aids and a Walgreens all within .6 miles of my house. Walking distance.. easy walking distance even. If any of you have cats you know there is NOTHING easy about lugging a 15lb box, bag or tub of cat litter.. from the grocery cart to the trunk of the car much less over a half mile! I went to Walgreens because I had checked out both stores online and Walgreens had the cheaper cat litter. The walk there was nice and uneventful up until the last block - where an old white man slightly resembling Santa clause came walking out of a gas station parking lot trying to flag me down. "Hey.. Hey!.. wanna go do something?" Ya that would be negative. I just smiled, waved and kept on walking. The walk home - omg by the time I got to my apartment I'd transferred the jug of cat litter from my right to left hand a dozen times, switched from carrying it under one arm to the other, tried carrying it from the bottom resting against my chest.. you name a way to carry it other than on my head and I tried. My arms felt like they were literally going to fall off! I was reallllly wishing I had my car back. The whole riding the bus back and forth to work thing - with the exception of Friday's fiasco - isn't really that bad. It's the needing to just up and run to the store and not being able to that really sucks.

Sunday afternoon I got into a vicious fight with a friend of mine via text messaging. You may or may not remember a blog I posted a while back about trying to understand people who were just un-understandable. That's her. In that post I also asked if there every really came a time in a friendship where you finally had to say enough is enough and cut that person out of your life. I'm sad to say now is that time. I text her while I waiting on the bus Friday -"OMG I think I just walked 3 miles" - thinking like most people she'd say really why? or something similar. Nope the reply I got was - "You wanna cookie". I said "no thank you, but I'm sure you could use one - something to sweeten that sour disposition of yours!" Probably not the best response but I was tired, sore, cold.. and so NOT in the mood for smart ass comment made for no other reason than she could make them. But I let it slide - we texted a bit more and I thought nothing of it. Well Sunday I was doing laundry and while I was walking from my apartment to the laundry building in the back of my complex a guy stopped me - he said hi, introduced himself - said he lived in the building next door and noticed that I watched tv alone a lot. (I sit in front of the window and my blinds are always open so at first I didn't think anything of it) He said he'd just moved to Mobile a couple of months ago and would love company sometime - then he asked me to dinner. I've been single for 4 years. Other than my ex-fiance I haven't been on a date in almost 8 years. Suffice to say I was a little startled - I was in an over sized t-shirt, cotton jammy pants, had not a speck of makeup on and my hair was pulled back in a wadded up pony tail. I honestly was so flustered I stuttered uh uh I suppose uh sure ok. I gave him my number in a dumbfounded stupor and wandered off to the laundry room. After I got home, sat on the couch and started thinking I freaked out.

OMG I just gave some guy my number and said I'd go out with him! I'm sure most of you are thinking uhh ok so what, big deal. I don't WANT to go out with him. Not even the slightest tiniest bit interested in getting to know him, hanging out watching tv with him or struggling with small-talk over dinner with him. Some of you are probably asking why not - does he have 3 eyes, walk with a bad limp, some horrible disfiguration, a drool and a slurp that totally makes him unappealing to me? Ha, you laughed - my job is done! =). No he doesn't. By societies standards I suppose he's an average looking guy - probably late 30's, early 40's - slightly balding on top - average height and size. So what's the problem? Me... I did the love the person on the inside thing - I was with a person for almost 4 years whom I never thought was cute. And I realized that shallow as it may seem physical attraction is a MUST for me. As much as I loved my ex in the back of my mind I always wished I was more physically attracted to him. Don't get me wrong - he turned me on, we had fabulous sex - I know that's way more info that you wanted to know lol - but looking at him never made me go WOW. I got butterflies in my tummy from the way loving him made me feel but I never got them from just being so turned on by him. So I decided that I'd never waste someone else's or my time initiating a relationship if I wasn't attracted to them. I know I know - I hear you - if you really LOVEEEE the person that's all that matters - attraction will follow - looks aren't everything. Well guys and gals - I've been there and done that and it does matter.. at least to me. And I've realized that while it might not "sound" super nice and it might "seem" kind of shallow that it's really not. EVERYONE has something that attracts them to someone...some "thing" they look for in a potential special guy or gal friend. For me - initial attraction is a must.

This is where the big text fight with my friend comes in. I text her asking for advice - you might remember I mentioned before that she's gorgeous - men.. and women fall over themselves to talk to her. She's one of those naturally flirty people who just knows how to do the social thing. Ya me.. not so much. So she says well just have dinner anyway - maybe you can be friends. Which may or may not be true - but I know me well enough to know that I don't do small talk - I don't go out of my way to make new friends - either I have a connection with someone and we just naturally hit it off or I don't. This guy that asked me out -- no such connection. So it goes back to the wasting some one's time thing. There are certain kinds of people I meet that I can just chat with for hours about an endless number of topics and we never run out of interesting things to say. Those are the kinds of people I make friends with. I'll never not be polite or friendly to someone I meet in passing, but I'm just at the point in my life where making new friends isn't going to be something that takes effort. It's not worth it to me - I'm ok being solitary. I'm not anti-social as much as just not overly social. At parties in school - which I never went to - I would have been that chic who was friends with everyone at school - but stood by the wall watching everyone else have fun at the party. At the club I was the girl who had a blast completely sober dancing by myself and then drove all my drunk friends home. Everyone has different social habits - those are mine. So while I was trying to explain to her why I didn't want to waste this poor guys time, or lead him on thinking we might become fast friends or possibly more she got really condescending and judgemental.

More rambling - but I promise it will all come together in the end!

I'm currently reading this book called Home with God - in a Life That Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsh. He's the author of the Conversation with God - an Uncommon Dialogue books I've mentioned in I think one of my other blogs. If you've ever had a problem (something just doesn't "feel" right) with what your "religion" of choice has taught you then I highly recommend reading his books. Well weekend before last I posted a blog where I mentioned that I had a really really bad night the weekend after my accident. Where I just laid in bed weeping and begging God to "take me home". I didn't want to be here anymore, I was tired of the stress of living up to other people's ideas of who I should be and always falling short, tired of never feeling completely loved and accepted unconditionally for WHO I WAS, tired of a variety of other things I won't go into detail about. In that blog I also said the next morning when I woke up - it was a new day. I started reading the Home with God book then. It was just too coincidental that I'd begged and pleaded with God to bring me home then picked up a book called Home with God. I'd gone to the library about a month ago to check out the 3rd book in the CWG (Conversations with God) series and any other book I could find by the author. I didn't even remember what most of the titles were. The ones I hadn't read yet were sitting on the shelf in my living room next to the TV. Reading has for as long as I can remember been my method of escape - reading and movies. I can completely immerse myself and get lost in the characters lives. When life on earth isn't seeming too appealing I'd always and still do just grab a book and start reading - or head to the movie theater.

After this I'll post some excerpts from Home with God in another blog that really stand out to me. What it's basically about is showing how we can be "Home" with God here on earth. It talks about how life really never ends and how death as we know it doesn't really exist. We don't end or stop when we "die", rather it transitions into a different phase or form of life or energy. We live as spiritual and physical beings while on earth - attached to our body, and when we "die" we become fully spiritual beings without the hindrance of the physical body we were formerly attached to. Death is in fact a re-birth. It goes on to explain how we don't have to wait until we "die" to meet God. We can talk with Him, commune with Him, develop a friendship with Him right now.. and it explains some of how to do that as well. Another thing it says is that every thing that has ever happened or ever will happen, happens by our choice, perfectly in time and reason. And that it all happens to help us experience all we've come to earth to experience and guide us to learning who we really are. Some things happen consciously, some subconsiously, some superconsiously, but all happen because we choose them.

I have to tell you some of this stuff hit home so deep and so true I cried while reading - I was reading on the bus on the way home the other day and had to stop and close the book. Some of it however sounded like bologna. I mean I can guaran-damn-tee you that I didn't consiously, subconsciously or any other kind of consciously choose to get in a car accident on my way home from work on November 21st. I mean why on earth would I ever CHOOSE to crash my car, to get all bruised up, to experience the physical, mental and emotional pain that resulted from the accident. All of a sudden the events of the days since the accident began to filter through my mind. I saw myself looking up information on the public transit system - finding an alternate way to work. I saw myself walking to the store to get things I needed. I saw myself arguing with my family and feeling so hurt, but then realizing that I'd been alone for a very long time and I'd made it ok.. and I'd make it ok this time too. And I thought... maybe the accident did happen just the way it was suppose to, at the exact place, the exact time and in the exact way that was perfect to guide me to the realizations I needed to know at this time in my life.

I've realized that:

• I'm a lot stronger and more resourceful that I thought.
• As much as it hurts that I don't have a closer relationship with my family - the relationship I don't have has left me with an overabundance of love to give to the child I'll soon have.
• I'm not reliant on having a car to take care of myself and do the things I need to do - doing things might not be as convenient - but they can be done
• I really do have a passion for photography and seeing the beauty and simplistic complexities so visible in the world if you just LOOK.
• I am NOT a victim of circumstance. Even though things may not always happen the way I think I'd like them to - I can always choose to turn things around and to my benefit.
• I've been wanting for the longest time to get up earlier in the morning to start walking before work but have always been to tired - now I'm used to getting up 40 mins earlier to catch the bus - how coincidental is that.. lol
• The relationship with my friend who always seems to be so damn negative had a purpose - and now that I've realized it's purpose I can move on.
• That the past is truly the past and it's time I let it go. What was "meant to be" was evidentally only "meant to be" for the time it was and something new and better will come along once I wholly and completely LET GO of what I've been holding on to.
• It's ok for people you love to move on and be happy without you. You served a purpose in their life the same way they did in yours. They just realized your purpose sooner than you realized theirs.. it's ok to be happy it didn't work.
• It's ok to love MYSELF - and I shouldn't let what other people say or think effect me or hurt me the way I do. I know my heart - GOD knows my heart and we both know I'm ok just the way I am.
• I have a long history of behavior based on events that have happened to me in my past - and to change that I'm going to have to face those things head on, acknowledge they happened, admit they only have power to hurt me if I let them and MOVE ON to becoming the person I know that I am inside and choose to be.

Some of these things had absolutely nothing to do with my accident directly, yet all of them are realizations I've come to since and as a result of the changes in my life the accident caused. There are many more too, but I know this is already pretty long so I'm going to wrap it up soon..

Last night I went through my phone and deleted all of the numbers of people who had been a part of my life, but who I am no longer in regular contact with as well as people I am in regular contact with but no longer need to be. They all served a purpose and that purpose has been realized. I went on my computer and deleted old pictures I'd kept of my friend with the bad attitude and other friends - memories of the times we had together. Conversations that messenger had autologged - back when I used it.. The pictures - the laughs in the conversations - the love those friendships brought will always be safe in my memory and I no longer need to hold on to physical momentos of those times past.

I've started reading up on meditation and possitive self-affirmations. I taped to my bathroom mirror a piece of paper with the following statements:

I love you. I appreciate you.
I forgive you of any mistakes you have ever made. Today is a NEW day. The past is gone.
I choose to begin anew, better, wiser, kinder than before.
I choose the path of excellence bcause I am unlimited in how wonderful and productive and creative I can be.
I treat others as I want to be treated.
I respect the rights of others, and I choose to respect myself. I am grateful for my life, my health, and my intelligence

On my refrigerator:

Every day and in every way I am getting better and better; I am becoming more and more
I am peace. I am love. I am joy
Health and wealth are my birthright, success my tool, kindness my standard.
I am beautiful and loved RIGHT NOW, for I accept and express the goodness which resides within me.

Every morning when I get up - while I'm making my breakfast I read the ones on the fridge.. while I'm brushing my teeth I read the ones on the bathroom mirror.. and by doing so I'm making the conscious decision to alter my life to fit these statements. We all can be the person we feel we are inside. We all can make the decision right here, right now to STOP letting the past events of our lives - and the present ones effect the life we live, the way we act, the way we think of ourselves.. and the way we react to how others think about us. We can choose to be the very best us we can be. Imagine the greatest version of the grandest vision you can about the person you'd choose to be if you had a choice - THEN CHOOSE TO BE THAT PERSON.

Love and Blessings...

Mollie