Support & Appreciation

Look Who Stopped By

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Time after time...

Yesterday I logged on Facebook and did a haphazard scan of peoples updates and status changes - like usual, not really paying any particular attention - like usual.

Then my eye caught an update that stopped the air in my lungs mid-breath.

PT is in a relationship with a girl in Okinawa.

He's been in Japan for 7 weeks and he's already seeing someone.

I sat at my desk for a good 2 hours wiping away silent tears that just refused to stop falling. My boss would come by my office every so often and I'd pretend to look in my filing cabinet for something so he couldn't see my face.

The ache in my chest came as a surprise. I mean I knew I still cared about him, still wished things had turned out differently, and in some deep secret place, maybe hoped they still would - but I'd said goodbye, I'd started seeing someone new, I hadn't talked to PT in probably three weeks - so why did it still hurt so bad?

Because him being in a relationship with someone else meant- it wasn't a 'relationship' that he didn't want - it was me.

Up until the week he left he was still all "It's not you, I really like you, I'm just not ready for a relationship". He wanted to finish school first, he wanted to be in a steady job, he wanted to be able to 'take care of' someone he was in a relationship with and he wasn't ready or in a position to do that right now. Yet in less than 2 months he all of a sudden is?

He's only just started school this month, he's not working other than helping around at the church where his dad is a music minister and doing yard work for extra money, and since he's living at home now he's completely reliant on his parents - so if anything he's even further away from being 'ready' than he was when he lived here. But for some reason he can be in a relationship anyway?

I'd love to say that I'm happy for him, that I'm glad that he seems to be doing well, but right now - it would be a lie. Right now I'm angry - angry that he asked me out, angry that he was someone I could care about, angry that he drug me out of the safe cocoon of emptiness that I've been living in since my ex-fiance and I broke up 5 years ago, angry that he continued to pursue me even when he knew he didn't want me, and angry that he left while things were still so messed up.

I've no doubt that in time I will get to the point where I genuinely wish him well, where I can truly say I'm happy that he's happy - but that time is I fear a few more tears away.

Until then, I'll do my best to not stuff it down, to talk about it and as The Editor put it yesterday 'keep everything out in the open'. I'll do my best to be thankful for the great man I'm seeing that DOES want me and thinks I'm worth trying for and although I thought I'd already done so, I'll do my best to keep healing - because apparently this is one wound that's still capable of causing pain.

2 People who coughed on a furball:

Jane Wonder said...

angry that he drug me out of the safe cocoon of emptiness that I've been living in since my ex-fiance and I broke up 5 years ago

Don't be angry for this one. I get that it came at a cost, but you're living again. Really living. A "safe cocoon of emptiness" is no life at all. So even though it hurt, be grateful that you are at least living again.

Maybe that was all he was ever meant to do. But if it works, it isn't a waste.

Ella said...

the magic 8 ball says you're gonna be fine. it even said you should enjoy a pint of moose tracks and not to worry, that it's really fat free. no really, it is. magic 8 ball said it was.