This used to be me....
then I met The Editor.
A month ago today I blogged about taking a chance and seeing if my friendship with The Editor could possibly become something more. Today I can tell you that it could, it did, it has, and it was without a doubt the absolute best chance I've ever taken in my life.
I had my first case of puppy love in the 5th grade. His name was Michael Shea. I was madly in crush with him for our whole 5th grade year and when he moved away I was devastated. He'd been living with his grandparents while his parents got settled at the new location his dad had been stationed. My grandparents lived across the street and I remember sitting in the living room at my grandma's house the day he left listening to Bon Jovi's 'Never Say Goodbye' over and over on cassette tape, crying my little 10yr old heart out. I found Michael on Myspace last year. He's still cute as can be, and his new wife is pretty hot as well. Turns out he never knew I had a crush on him lol.
In junior high and high school I had a crush on a couple of different guys, but I was the quiet girl with good grades and I'd have died a thousand slow deaths before letting them know I liked them. The guy I had a thing for my 11th and 12th grade year had a brief cameo in one of my blogs a while back. Turns out he always thought I was cute and remembers checking out my boobs a lot (how nice), but was hung up on an on-again/off-again girlfriend and was never brave enough to ask me out. Or so he says..
Fast forward to February 1999. This is when I met the guy who would be my first. I was 23. Our 'relationship' was short lived, but we are still friends today and he calls me fairly often.
In April of the following year, I met Lazeras - the guy who would become my fiance - twice - and totally consume my life for the next 3 years. To understand some of how I got to be where I am now, you'd need to read the story of Lazeras - but to summarize so we can continue on here - he manipulated and abused me in basically every way possible; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. When I finally realized that I was a shell of the woman I used to be and ended things for good in April of 2003, the damage that had been done was extensive.
The next five years were basically a self imposed isolation from the world. No dating, no real friendships, minimal contact with family, co-workers and acquaintances - just work and sleep. I convinced myself that I was OK, I'd moved on, I'd healed and that the jagged bloody wounds he'd left on my heart and soul had long since scabbed up and were just faint scars of memory.
Zoom to September 2008.
PT was a guy I met online shortly after I finally decided to come out of hiding and see, for the first time in my life, what the dating game was all about. PT was everything I'd ever imagined finding in 'the perfect guy'. Only it turned out that those qualities, while real, were very thinly veiling a guy with issues nearly as deep as my own. PT showed me that I could feel again. He also showed me I was still very capable of being hurt.
The Editor -
I met The Editor around the same time I met PT, through the same dating site actually. The Editor was one of those guys who seemed really sweet and a potential friend, but just didn't 'make the cut' as someone I thought I'd be interested in 'dating'. Ok, Ok.. so I was wrong. It happens. Rarely, but it does happen.
The beginning of January saw me closing final doors with PT and wondering about doors that weren't yet open with The Editor. I was conflicted about this - I mean I wasn't attracted to him 'like that'. He was sweet and funny and we had a good time together the few times we'd hung out but I just didn't see him as someone who could be more. I couldn't seem to shake the feeling though that I might be missing something about him so one day I broached the subject about 'seeing' each other and we decided to give it a go.
The first time we hung back out after the conversation was sooo awkward. Here I was with this guy who I'd never seen as anything more than a friend and all of a sudden I'm noticing how nice his lips are, and what a cute butt he has and wondering if - ok, how much - I'd freak out if he tried to kiss me. We met at the mall during his dinner break from work and ate, then sat in the car for half an hour and just talked. The whole time I'm thinking - man he has nice lips - I wonder how they feel, and it turns out he was - well - having similar thoughts. :)
Since then we've gotten closer than I've ever been with another human being. Because we work opposite shifts we've had to come up with a schedule to see each other. We have a regular 'date night' on one of his regular evenings off - we chill at my apartment and have dinner, then cuddle on the couch and watch a movie or TV. He has regular 'sleep over' nights when he comes over after he gets off work and stays the night - and wrapped in each other's arms we do exactly that - sleep.
He... there is so much this man has done for me that I'm not even sure I have the words to explain it all. Because of him I'm learning who I really am, I'm gaining control over my emotions, my thoughts, my life, my SELF. I'm learning to work through my feelings instead of giving in to them. I'm learning to force positive thoughts instead of melting down at the slightest sign of things becoming unorganized in my life. I'm finding out for the first time in my life what it is to be really, truly, wholly, unconditionally LOVED. And it is phenomenal.
He gives me more than I've ever imagined possible but at the same time he knows when and how to stand firm with me. When I'm melting down and falling into a pit of despair and pity he refuses to, and I'm quoting him - 'coddle' me. He addresses the root of the issue, shows compassion and love for that, but when I decide it's not enough and I want to cry and scream and rage against the world he walks away and leaves me to deal with myself. He makes me face myself and DEAL with ME. And he does it in a way that leaves me feeling nothing but love from him. No judgment, no blame, no disdain, no pity. Just love - complete all-encompassing love. He understands my 'issues' from past experiences, but he doesn't allow me to use them as excuses anymore.
I've spent my entire life thinking I was broken, that there was just something wrong with me. I've battled depression for as long as I can remember, and honestly can't pin point a time in my life when I've been truly deeply happy and at peace. Sure there have been good moments here and there, but they've been shallow moments of joy - always covering a much deeper feeling of immense internal despair. I've tried and tried to force happiness in myself. I've tried to 'fake it until I make it' in seeing life with hope and positivity and to be totally honest the 'make it' part has never really 'made it'.
I can remember back as young as 3yrs of age feeling alone, unloved, different, set apart, not understood. I'd become resigned to the fact that I was just not like other people - that maybe I wasn't able to really be happy. I'd also gotten pretty good at faking it - at least I thought so.
But since taking the chance to let things become 'more than friends' with The Editor all of that has changed. I'm taking an active role in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my future. I have true hope that I can be in control of my feelings instead of a victim to them. I feel stronger, more confident, more motivated and eager to improve my life and myself as a person.
I'm not saying everything is all better, or that all of my problems and issues have suddenly gone away over night - not at all. There are still many many 'switches' I have to flip in the long hallway of things in my life that need addressing, but for the first time in - ever - I have the belief that things can change - that they can be better - that I can be better, and I owe that to him. And the most amazing thing is - these change aren't taking place because I want to be a better person for him - they're happening because I truly want to be a better person for ME.
You may not know it, but if you've been following my blog lately you've already met him in the post about my latest tattoo- but I think it's time for a formal introduction.
Ladies and gentleman I give you the first man in my life to ever really truly show me love and NOTHING BUT LOVE.
The Editor - heretofore known as...
and yea.... I <3>