Taking Time to Clear Your Mind

Finding "Me time" is something struggled with for many years and took almost as many years of practice to be able to do and over the last few years I have fallen out of the habit. Let me tell you.. I can most definitely notice the difference!

This year I really need to dig out the discipline and start setting aside quiet time for myself to just relax and regroup. Meditation is one of my ways of doing this... the other is just spending some quality quiet time with nature, which is in its own way, a form of meditation.

We have several ponds where we live and one of them has a nice grassy hill on one side of it that is perfect for sitting and taking in the splendor of creation. I love to bring a blanket (sitting on the grass can get itchy after a while), find a nice smooth section of ground and sit facing the sun. Sometimes this also means facing the water - which is extra nice - but even if I'm with my back to the water I can still hear the fountain and reap the soothing benefits of the sound.

 There is nothing quite like the warm feel of the sun on your face, the cool touch of a light breeze on your skin and the tranquil sound of water rippling to bring you back to center and balance.

 Below is a great article from My Daily Om that also talks about ways to - and why you should - clear your mind...

Allowing Spirit In
Clearing Your Mind
by Madisyn Taylor

The more we practice settling our minds, the easier it will become over time.

After a full day out in the world, stories, words, images, and songs from any number of sources continue to play in our heads hours after we encounter them. Even as we lie in bed, in the quiet dark, our minds continue noisily processing all the input from our day. This can leave us feeling unsettled and harassed. It also makes it difficult to take in any new information or inspiration. Like a cluttered house that needs to be cleared if it is to have room for movement and new life, our minds need clearing if they are to be open to new information, ideas, and inspiration.

Too often, the activities we choose to help us relax only add to the clutter. Watching television, seeing a movie, reading a book, or talking to a friend all involve taking in more information. In order to really clear our minds, we need a break from mental stimulation. Activities like yoga, dancing, or taking a long walk help to draw our attention to our bodies, slowing our mental activity enough that our minds begin to settle. Deep breathing is an even simpler way to draw attention away from our mental activities. Once we are mentally relaxed, we can begin the process of clearing our minds. Most of us instinctively know what allows our minds to relax and release any unnecessary clutter. It may be meditation or time spent staring at the stars. Whatever it is, these exercises feel like a cool, cleansing bath for the brain and leave our minds feeling clear and open.

Setting aside time to clear our minds once a day creates a ritual that becomes second nature over time. Our minds will begin to settle with less effort the more we practice. Ultimately, the practice of clearing our minds allows us to be increasingly more open so that we can perceive the world as the fresh offering it is, free of yesterday’s mental clutter.

More Guns are Not the Answer, More LOVE is...

More people owning guns isn't what we need to stop more shootings from happening.

More parents parenting is.
More friends looking out for each other is.
More people treating each other with dignity and respect is.

The majority of school/mall/movie theater shooters were disturbed young men who'd exhibited behavior and signs that were obvious to anyone who cared to take the time to notice them long before the embarked on their deadly rampage.

Had their parents been more active and involved in the kids lives, those signs would have been observed and help possibly obtained.
Had someone been a friend and offered an ear to listen, those disturbed young people might have begun to feel hope.
Had society placed more importance on treating each other with dignity and respect instead of being so self-absorbed and 'me me me', maybe those shooters would have felt like they mattered and never gotten to the point of thinking killing people was the only way their lives would ever mean anything.

Remove your kid from in front of the video game and be a parent.
Detach the cell phone from your kids ear and be a parent.
Ditch McDonald's for a sit down spaghetti dinner with your kid and be a parent.

Call someone you haven't talked to in a while and be a friend.
Invite an old pal over for dinner and be a friend.
Send someone a card just because you can and be a friend.

Smile at the next person you pass and show kindness.
Offer to get that item on the shelf that someone can't reach at the grocery store and express kindness.
Let someone who has fewer items in line check out before you and express kindness.

In 1997 - before stabbing his mom to death and walking into Pearl High School with a rifle Luke Woodham wrote this note...

I am not insane, I am angry. I killed because people like me are mistreated every day. I did this to show society, push us and we will push back. ... All throughout my life, I was ridiculed, always beaten, always hated. Can you, society, truly blame me for what I do? Yes, you will. ... It was not a cry for attention, it was not a cry for help. It was a scream in sheer agony saying that if you can't pry your eyes open, if I can't do it through pacifism, if I can't show you through the displaying of intelligence, then I will do it with a bullet. 

More people having guns would not have stopped Luke from being the object of bullying and abuse...
More people having guns would not have stopped James Holmes from suddenly dropping out of college and becoming isolated and unstable...
More people having guns would not have stopped Adam Lanza from staying holed up in his mother's basement playing terrorist style video games...

But more people taking an active and caring role in their lives may have....

Teach your children to respect themselves and others.
Teach them that they are WORTHY.
Teach them to combat fear and hate with LOVE....

 ....so that they never feel the isolation and loneliness that those children did
.....so that they know they are never alone no matter how bad things may seem
.....so that they respect and value themselves and their lives...

which will help them value and respect the lives of others.

Ghost (or God?) Radio

Sometimes the things we need to listen to are so we can share them for other people to hear...

While driving to work this morning something caught my vision in the corner of my eye - I looked down and my radio was adjusting the volume... by itself...

The radio had been on but the volume all the way down. After staring at the radio somewhat warily for a few seconds I hesitantly reached down and turned the knob to turn the volume up. My radio is almost always on either Power 88 or K-Love - both Christian radio stations

What I turned it up to was a caller on the air talking about how God had really pressed upon her heart recently to donate to the radio station... she didn't have the money.. things were really tight but she felt so led she went ahead and followed her heart and donated. 

After donating she cried and prayed - asking for a miracle. Money was really really tight for her family and even though it was a burden to give she knew she had to do it... 

Then on her way to work she got a call from a job she had interviewed a couple of months ago - offering her the position...... at 3 times the salary she was currently making.

Talking about your blessings returning back to you!

Tithing has always been very important to me and while there have been times money has been tight and I've slacked I'm blessed and thankful to say my faithfulness has always paid off and I'm now in a job where I can comfortably tithe. It is always a joy and a blessing to be able to give back to the places that bless me most.

While hearing her story was a blessing I had a feeling it wasn't really meant for me - so I'm sharing it with you. Hope it blesses you in the way you need it most. ^_^

Because Being Mad is Easier Than Being Hurt

I love getting DailyOm in my e-mail - it's always something that I can relate to, and today's post is no exception.

I spent the majority of my teen years very pissed off. I hated my parents, my life, the world in general. I had a lot of bad things happen to me as a kid and being mad about them seemed much easier than dealing with the hurt and confusion and letting them go. As long as I was mad I could blame someone for the things that I had been through and there seemed to be some sort of imaginary justice in that.

There is an illusion of power in anger. If we hold on to things, grudges against people then we 'control' our relationship with those people and things. We 'punish' them for hurting us until we feel that they've been punished enough and have grovelled sufficiently to be let back into our lives.

The truth is.. the only person you hurt by being angry is you. Anger leads to stress, it's bad for your physical health as well as your mental and emotional health. Not to mention the toll it takes on your spiritual health. You can't very well bask in the peace of God/Buddha/Mohamed etc if you're holding on to being angry at someone. Peace and anger simply cannot coexist.

Another truth is - most of the time we're angry because being mad is easier than being hurt. Being hurt sucks. Being hurt means someone let you down, or you were weak, or not good enough, or they didn't care enough. Being hurt means all sorts of imaginary slights we put on ourselves and others and that can be hard to accept - whereas being mad... being mad just means someone else f'd up and you're justifiably ticked about it. Being hurt gives someone power over you.. being mad gives you the power.

But either way that power is imaginary. It doesn't really exist.

A lot of people think forgiveness is for the person who 'wronged' you... but the truth is forgiveness is for YOU. When someone hurts you - forgiving them is your way of giving yourself permission to let go of that hurt and move on to healing. It is your way of letting go and getting past it.

It took me many years but I finally realized that there really wasn't any room in my life for anger. It served no purpose and benefited me in no way. Now that's not to say I've perfected not getting angry by any means - believe me - my husband is a master at pushing my buttons and flipping my pissed off switches. But I've found that if I just stop for a moment.. take a breath and ask myself - what am I really angry about?? I usually find that it's nothing - an imaginary slight I took upon myself by taking something personal instead of being objective. Now things that used to be quick triggers rarely bother me and when I do get bothered I'm over it in literally minutes instead of taking hours or days (sometimes weeks or years!) to let it go.

So there's my take on anger... now here's DailyOm's ^_^

October 5, 2012
Habitual Anger
Unblocking the Ally

by Madisyn Taylor

Anger can easily become our go-to emotion; to remedy, start noticing when and why you get angry.

Sometimes when we feel anger, it is coming from a deep place that demands acknowledgment and expression. At these times, it is important that we find healthy ways to honor our anger, remembering how dangerous it is to repress it. However, anger can also become a habit, our go-to emotion whenever things go wrong. Often this is because, for whatever reason, we feel more comfortable expressing anger than we do other emotions, like sadness. It can also be that getting angry gives us the impression that we’ve done something about our problem. In these cases, our habitual anger is inhibiting both our ability to express our other emotions and to take action in our lives.

If it’s true that anger is functioning this way in your life, the first thing you might want to try is to notice when you get angry. You might begin to see a pattern of some kind. For example, you could notice that it is always your first response or that it comes up a lot in one particular situation. If the pattern doesn’t become clear right away, you could try keeping a journal about when you get angry and see if you can find any underlying meaning. The good thing about keeping a journal is that you can explore your anger more deeply in it—from examining who in your family of origin expressed a lot of anger to how you feel when you encounter anger in others. This kind of awareness can be a formidable agent of transformation.

Anger can be a powerful ally, since it is filled with energy that we can harness and use to create change in the world. It is one of the most cathartic emotions, and it can also be a very effective cleanser of the emotional system. However, when it becomes a habit, it actually loses its power to transform and becomes an obstacle to growth. Identifying the role anger plays in your life and restoring it to its proper function can bring new energy and expansiveness to your emotional life.

Equally Yoked - or How My Buddhist Husband Brought Me Closer to God

I am a Christian. A grew up in church, saved and baptized when I was 13, born again at 25, filled with the Holy Spirit - evidence of tongues - Christian. My husband is Buddhist.

When my husband and I met he was studying Buddhism but had not fully immersed himself into the religion so it didn't bother me much. After all, we all get a little side tracked now and then, but he'd grown up Christian and we loved the same God.

But as our relationship progressed and he became more dedicated to the Buddhist path the dogma of my Christian upbringing and youth spent in church began to cause me a bit of uncertainty.

I was never one of those girls who grew up planning their wedding. I never imagined what my husband would look like, or what kind of flowers I'd have. I didn't spend hours picturing our first dance or how my hair would be styled. Those things just never really mattered to me. I did have one picture of a dress torn out of a magazine that I tucked away for that special day but that was the extent of my 'when I get married' fervor.

When it came to getting married, there was one thing though that did matter. One thing that I knew would be an all or nothing stipulation for my groom to be and that was that we would be 'equally yoked'.

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?" (2 Cor. 6:14, KJV).

My husband and I would both be Christians, go to church together, pray and read the Bible together and love the same God.

So as Matthew and I became more serious I started to worry about how 'unequally yoked' we appeared to be. I believed in Jesus... he followed Buddha. And that's where I got hung up. But our relationship progressed, we got engaged and as any 'good Christian' wife-to-be would do, I began praying for his conversion or 'return to God' in time for the wedding.

I've always had a slightly different view on God and the Bible than most Christians I know.. some things I'd been taught just didn't add up with the God I knew in my spirit but that yoking thing was apparently drilled in pretty deep because it really started to wear on me. But I had faith and was sure he'd 'come around' and everything would be fine. I mean he grew up in a Christian home.. his dad was a Southern Baptist minister for crying out loud.

No go back... you didn't say that right...drop your voice an octave......

slow down.....

and try again.. 

Suuuuthernnn Baptist. There you go. We're talking DEEP South Southern. 

To the point where if Matthew was caught trying to read a book about another religion his parents would take it and properly scold him about the dangers of letting in demons and the like by reading anything other than 'Godly' material. So I thought surely this Buddhist thing was just a fad.. a lingering rebellion and he'd snap out of it and go back to being a Jesus freak like me.

What I didn't know then.. and has taken me almost 3 years to realize is that He loved Jesus and God the same way I did all along. He worshiped the same God. We had the SAME beliefs. He just used a different method on his path to spiritual growth than I did.

I recently had an extended Facebook debate with a Christian friend who is the exact same as I was back before I decided to stop putting God in a box and let Him be GOD. She in short 'educated' me about how Buddhists worship Buddha as their God, and how they thought Jesus was 'below' Buddha and how she had no need or desire to read about any religion other than her own and from no other book than the Bible because that's what a Christian was supposed to do.

Needless to say I failed in my attempt to help her see how grossly incorrect she was in pretty much every statement she made because even though she'd never read one single thing about Buddhism she knew all she needed to know about it because she read the Bible.. and that gave her the right and authority to tell me (I'm paraphrasing here) that my husband - and I by proxy - was going to hell for worshipping false Gods and that she'd pray I found my way back to the 'real' God. Because apparently mine was fake.

It made me sad... for her.. and for myself - because I'd been just like her for so many years.

Blind in my 'faith' and unyielding in my views. Funny how easy it is for us to skip over or completely forget what the Bible actually says when it suits us... I mean I'm pretty sure Jesus said that we should Study and show ourselves approved.

"Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. "  (2 Tim. 2:15, KJV).

Our different faiths actually caused some problems the first year of our marriage.. I wanted a strong spiritual head of my home.. a husband that 'led me' in the right path who sat down and read the Bible and prayed with me and Matthew's Buddhist practice of meditation and mantras just wasn't giving me that. It wasn't that he didn't try... he did... it was that I wanted him to believe like I did and anything else just wasn't good enough.

Thank God (literally) that I've always been open to His voice and leading - even when I wasn't open to anyone else and I finally realized that I was being selfish. I wanted my husband to follow my faith my way yet I couldn't even be bothered to so much as read a webpage about his... his faith and spiritual practice that was just as important to him as mine was to me and here I was completely disregarding it because it didn't fit in the box I'd put God in.

It was hard but I finally opened my mind to learning something knew and in the process I found my heart opening more to God. The same God I grew up learning about and loving in small town Southern (did you say it right this time) Baptist church. Learning about Buddhism didn't make me a Buddhist, or less of a 'Christian'. It didn't take away from my faith and it wasn't going to condemn me to the fiery depths of hell.

What it did was open my eyes to how amazingly big and wonderful God truly is. God can't be put in a box.. and just because I call him 'God' and you call him 'Dios' doesn't mean we're not worshiping the same marvelous Creator.

This is a slight segway in this particular post so I'm only going to mention it briefly but I feel it warrants attention. You may have noticed that I spelled God in both English and Spanish as explanation that people may call God by a different name but He's still the same God....

Allah... is GOD in Arabic... it literally translates to 'the God'. Little mind blowing trivial for the Muslim haters out there. Same GOD.. different LANGUAGE.

Now back to Jesus...

By being open to actually educating myself about something I was unfamiliar with I learned that the core teachings of Buddha and Jesus are almost identical. In fact - Buddha taught those same core teachings a few hundred years before Jesus was ever born. If they'd lived in the same time I fully believe they would have been best of friends and brothers in their mission to bring the world to enlightenment through peace and love. 

Now I personally claim Christianity as my 'religion' because it was Jesus who led me to God.. it was through Jesus' story that I learned who God was and developed the amazing relationship that I have with my Creator today. For my husband.. it was Buddha's teachings that brought him to that place.

He doesn't worship a different God than I do... he doesn't discredit Jesus for what He did by dying on the cross. He's not anti-Christian or a lost sinner because he's Buddhist. His journey to God just took a different fork in the road than mine did.

.... The important thing to know here is that this forked road didn't take us on to separate paths... it brought us to the same one.

I now have a closer relationship with God than ever and my husband and I, both as individuals and as a couple, are growing leaps and bounds in our spiritual walk. A walk we're taking together.

You ARE Worthy...

This is something I've dealth with often through out my life - questioning my self worth.

Am I worthy of love? Worthy of success? Worthy of happiness?

Regardless of our current state of mind - the answer has always been and will always be a resounding YES.

We, well most of us anyway, are brought up being taught that we are children of God - created in His image and likeness and unworthy of His love - 'but' that He loved us so much anyway He sent His son to 'save' us.

Though I believed that lie most of my life I am thankful to have seen the light of God's truth and the truth of His love... We ARE worthy for no other reason than we are His.. we don't have to do anything to deserve love.. from God or anyone else and the only 'saving' we need is from the absense of His love and presense in our lives.

Jesus came to teach us that we could know God in an intimate and personal way... NOT to free us from a life of 'sin' but rather from a life of darkness..from an absense of the knowledge of God in our lives.

I am worthy...

YOU are worthy...

We ALL are worthy... just because


**An excert from DailyOm.com

August 10, 2012
Worthiness
Accepting Our Calling
by Madisyn Taylor

Our worth of being on the planet at this time cannot be judged as we are all worthy and essential to being here now. The issue of worthiness may come up in many areas of our lives, as we ask, often unconsciously, whether we are worthy of success, love, happiness, and countless other things, from supportive relationships to a beautiful home. In the end, though, it all comes down to one thing: our willingness to claim our space in this life as humans on this planet at this time. When we accept our divinity, we no longer question whether we are worthy, because we know that we are meant to be here to fulfill a particular purpose, a purpose that no one other than us can fulfill.

There are no replacements who can take over and live our lives for us, no other person who has had the experiences we have had, who has access to the same resources and relationships, who carries the same message to share with the world. Our purpose may be large or small, and in most cases it is multi-leveled, with important actions taking place on the interpersonal level, as well as in terms of the work we do in the world. Small acts of kindness share the stage with large acts of sacrifice, and only through accepting and honoring our divinity can we know what we are called to do and when.

Ultimately, we are all equally, exactly, completely worthy of being here in this life. Moreover, we are all essential to the unfolding plan of which we are each one small, but important, part. If we suffer from low self worth, it is because we have lost track of understanding this truth, and allowing it to guide our actions in the world. Seeing ourselves as part of something larger, as beings called to serve, is the ultimate cure for feelings of unworthiness. In the end, it’s not about evaluating ourselves as worthy or unworthy, so much as it’s about accepting that we have been called here to serve and taking the steps required to listen and respond to what our lives are asking us to do.

Ending the Cycle...

Ending the CycleStart Today
by Madisyn Taylor


Each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve to the universe that we are ready for change.

One of the hardest things in life is feeling stuck in a situation that we don’t like and want to change. We may have exhausted ourselves trying to figure out how to make change, and we may even have given up. However, each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve and to declare to the universe that we are ready for change. We may even say out loud that we have tried and struggled and have not found a way, but that we are open to help, and that we intend to keep working to create change for ourselves. Making this declaration to the universe, and to ourselves, may be just the remedy for the stagnation we are experiencing. And, it can be done today, right now.

It is difficult to understand, even with hindsight, how the choices we have made have added up to our current situation, but it is a good idea to examine the story we tell ourselves. If we tend to regard ourselves as having failed, this will block our ability to allow ourselves to succeed. We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices.

When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck. Now we can declare our intentions to the universe, knowing that we have done the inner work necessary to allow our lives to change. Allow today to be the day to end cycles and enter into a new way of being.

Let it Roll....

This is something it took me a long time and many hurt feelings to figure out, especially since I have a family that would rather judge me than accept me. And while I still on occasion take something to heart that I shouldn't I've definitely gotten better and am living a much more peaceful and content life as a result.

Words only have the power you give them.. and getting all riled up, hurt, angry or offended over something someone says is simply NOT worth the time and effort it takes.

Let It Roll off Our BackDodging and Deflecting
by Madisyn Taylor


When we are criticized or attacked it is important to not take it into our heart space.

One of the most difficult challenges in life is learning not to take things to heart and hold on to it. Especially when we’re younger, or if we’re very sensitive, we take so much of what comes our way to heart. This can be overwhelming and unproductive if it throws us off balance on a regular basis. When we are feeling criticized or attacked from all directions, it becomes very difficult for us to recover ourselves so that we can continue to speak and act our truth. This is when we would do well to remember the old saying about letting certain things roll off us, like water off a duck’s back.

Most of the time, the attacks and criticisms of others have much more to do with them and how they are feeling than with us. If we get caught up in trying to adjust ourselves to other people’s negative energy, we lose touch with our core. In fact, in a positive light, these slings and arrows offer us the opportunity to strengthen our core sense of self, and to learn to dodge and deflect other people’s misdirected negativity. The more we do this, the more we are able to discern what belongs to us and what belongs to other people. With practice, we become masters of our energetic integrity, refusing to serve as targets for the disowned anger and frustration of the people around us.

Eventually, we will be able to hear the feedback that others have to offer, taking in anything that might actually be constructive, and releasing that which has nothing to do with us. First, though, we tend ourselves compassionately by recognizing when we can’t take something in from the outside without hurting ourselves. This is when we make like a duck, shaking it off and letting it roll off our back as we continue our way in the world.

Saying Yes to the Universe....

Today's post by DailyOM


Saying Yes to the universe opens the gate to receiving what your soul really wants.

The hardest thing about saying yes to the universe is that it means accepting everything life puts in front of us. Most of us have a habit of going through our days saying no to the things we don’t like and yes to the things we do, and yet, everything we encounter is our life. We may be afraid that if we say yes to the things we don’t like, we will be stuck with them forever, but really, it is only through acknowledging the existence of what’s not working for us that we can begin the process of change. So saying yes doesn’t mean indiscriminately accepting things that don’t work for us. It means conversing with the universe, and starting the conversation with a very powerful word—yes.

When we say yes to the universe, we enter into a state of trust that whatever our situation is, we can work with it. We express confidence in ourselves, and the universe, and we also express a willingness to learn from whatever comes our way, rather than running and hiding when we don’t like what we see. The question we might ask ourselves is what it will take for us to get to the point of saying yes. For some of us, it takes coming up against something we can’t ignore, escape, or deny, and so we are left no choice but to say yes. For others, it just seems a natural progression of events that leads us to making the decision to say yes to life.

The first step to saying yes is realizing that in the end it is so much easier than the alternative. Once we understand this, we can begin examining the moments when we resist what is happening, and experiment with occasionally saying yes instead. It might be scary at first, and even painful at times, but if we continue to say yes to every moment through the process, we will discover the joy of being in a positive conversation with a force much bigger than ourselves.

Fairytale Love

When I was growing up my mom had a bookshelf full of Danielle Steele & Harlequin romance novels. Around the age of 15-16 I started reading them.

I read about star crossed love, all consuming passion, feeling like someone was the center of your universe.. I read about fighting and making up, I read about overcoming insurmountable obstacles for love. I read about hot sex.... - well they were romance novels.

But the thing that stuck with me most in all of the books was the idea of what 'true love' was. What it felt like, what it looked like, how it made someone treat you and how it make you treat the person you loved in return.

I read that true love was all encompassing, breath taking, joyful and heart breaking... I read that true love always won... that true love conquered all.. and since that's pretty much what I'd been taught in church and reading the Bible it didn't seem all that unreal or unreasonable to me - in spite of never really having experienced that kind of love first hand or having seen it between my parents or family members.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant (5) or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (6) it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (7) Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I believe to this day, with all my heart that I truly loved the person I was in a relationship before my husband. He ended up being abusive and it took me 3 years to finally walk away. I know you're thinking.. she probably said she stayed because she loveeeeed him and that is what most women in those types of situations do say. Well I did love him but I stayed because I was scared, and young and naive and didn't know any better. When I finally left it wasn't because I realized that I didn't love him.. I did.. it was because I realized that I loved myself more. Sometimes love means walking away - especially if it's one sided.

That relationship put a big dent in my view of love. I could say there were many other factors in there as well - my birth father was never a part of my life (abandonment issues).. I never felt like I belonged or fit in with my own family (never good enough).. or really that I was even liked, much less loved by most of them (unlovable)... I have always been different from everyone else I've ever known... I didn't have a relationship with my mother... the list goes on and on and while some, hell probably most of those things probably had and to some extent still have some effect on the way I love and allow myself to be loved they never broke the dream of what I, in the deepest part of my heart, believed love was supposed to be.

All the hurts and let downs I've had in my life never crushed me to the point where I gave up on or stopped believing in love.

After leaving my ex it took 5 years of being single before I even dared the idea of putting myself 'out there' again and even attempt dating much less opening myself up to loving someone or being loved in return, but I finally did and I met my husband.. whom I love dearly.. and who loves me dearly in return.

But even with that love being returned things aren't the way I dreamed they would be.

Lately I've been feeling lost in life...my joy seems to have gone missing and I'm having a hard time finding it. This funk, for lack of a better word, I've found myself in has resulted in me becoming much more 'needy' of my husband than I usually am and it's also made me much more aware and affected by things he does that I normally would be able to brush off. When I ask for your attention I want it NOW, not when you finish the level you're playing on your game, or when you finish reading a couple of e-mails or whatever it is that you're doing that doens't involve your very real human live wife! It's also brought me back to what my idea of love is...

My husband says that the kind of love I talk about only exists in movies or romance novels. He says that the husband I want him to be isn't reasonable, realistic or even possible. I say he's wrong.

This leaves me in a scary place... I believe with all of my heart and soul that the kind of love I believe in is real... and I believe that my husband and I are 100% capable of experiencing it and showing it to one another, but I wonder can two people who've never been shown or experienced that kind of true love find their way to it.

My husband's parents divorced when he was young - his mom and dad fought a lot and from what I understand didn't have the best relationship. His mom remarried as did his dad and while both are still married to their respective spouses neither of them have a kind of relationship I'd call normal or healthy. His mom & step-dad are pretty apathetic about life in general. I've never seen them be affectionate to one another or heard them tell each other I love you. His dad and step-mom are an uber Christian version of a Stepford house. His dad is the 'man' of the house and his step-mom does his every bidding and agrees with everything he says. Neither of those reflect the kind of marriage I want.

So neither of us grew up with great examples of healthy happy love... and where I'm apparently a romantic at heart, he's a very fact based, scientific reasoning driven realist. Which lately leaves us both in a not so happy place.

I believe that next to God your spouse comes first. I believe that a human living wife should take precedent over ANY electronic devise - well unless it's a defibrillator and someone is in cardiac arrest - and that it takes spending time together, communicating and cherishing each other to have a happy marriage.

I believe....I believe that I've come to a point where I'm stumbling over words and have no idea where I want or need to go with this anymore....

I guess that's the thing about using writing as a cathartic means... you just write until you get out what you need to get out and eventually - finished thought or not - you run out of steam.

Ladies and gents I seem to have reached that point... I'm spent. My heart is breaking, my soul is weary and I'm deep down to the bone tired.

I spent a lot of time crying today and calling out to God for some kind of peace... some kind of help to regain the joy I used to have in life, to regain the connection I used to feel with Him and a way to fill the emptiness that is currently devouring my soul... and while I didn't get an audible response I do think He answered.

We have rows and rows of books in our apartment and searching for something - anything - I came across "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I'm a big believer that God puts things in front of you when you need them most so I'm believing out of all the spiritual and religious books we have that this one stood out most for a reason.

"The Purpose Driven Life"  is 40-day spiritual journey that will transform your answer to life's most important question: "What on earth am I here for?"

And I think that's just what I need.

God is truly amazing in ways I can't even begin to put into words... as I'm typing this, crying, feeling lost I had a thought come through my mind... a quiet thought that.. in trying to be the best wife I can I've forgotten how to be the best ME I can.... In getting caught up in the role of spouse, I've lost who I am in the role of ME. In trying to once again take care of someone else in my life, I've stopped taking care of ME.

I expect I'll write a lot in the next 40 days... and Praise God I also expect I'll find my way back to who I really am in Him.. and I'll find my way to being the wife my husband needs and finding the man I need in my husband. Because in Him I KNOW the kind of love I dream about is real.

Responsible Parenting... or 'To be or not to be.. preggo'

Fist let me say that I absolutely despise the word 'preggo'. I think it's tasteless and low class, but for this post I think it fits.

When I was a kid I never wanted to be a doctor, or a astronaut or a famous actor or singer. I wanted to be a wife and a mom.

Ok there was that year I wanted to be a fighter pilot (thank you Tom Cruise) but that only lasted until I realized that A) women weren't allowed to fly (back then anyway) and B) I was horribly afraid of heights.. and flying meant high HIGH heights!

Considering the family dynamic I grew up in I find it a little odd that being a wife and mom was my deepest desire - my parents fought horribly on a fairly regular basis and my mother's 'mothering' was more in line with Mommy Dearest than Leave it to Beaver, but for as long as I can remember all I wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mom. I imagined by the time I was 25 I would be married with at least one child. I wanted the whole tire swing in the front yard & white picket fence dream. As you may have guessed that didn't happen.

When I was in my late twenties I found out I had a defunct uterus. I ovulate - sometimes - but I don't shed the lining (Aunt Rose rarely visits me) like I'm supposed to which makes my uterus an angry confused place - not conducive for baby making. I've been told with 'assistance' I can possibly become pregnant, but the who's and what's of that are complicated and to be honest a little scary, not to mention incredibly expensive.

My husband and I are 100% for adoption if that becomes the only option but we're also 100% in agreement that until we are in a relatively comfortable place financially it would be horribly irresponsible  and incredibly selfish to even consider having or bringing a child into our family. - Which brings me to the topic of this post.....

I've made the comment before to friends and family that my husband and I don't want to have children until we can afford them, and I've been told that "you'll never be able to afford children". Now you're either shaking your head in agreement with that statement or you're raising your eyebrow like I did.

What does it mean to be able to afford children? Does it mean you have one year's worth of back-up emergency money in the bank? Does it mean you're debt free and the expense of a new baby would barely dent your finances? Does it mean you're husband makes enough money that you can easily afford to have a baby & be a stay at home mom? I don't think it has to mean anything as dramatic as that but I DO think that if you're currently only able to put a few dollars in savings (and I do mean a few!) after paying your bills then you 100% most definitely can NOT afford a kid.

If you or your spouse haven't been able to keep a stable job for more than 6 months in the past 5 years, then you most definitely can NOT afford a child.

If you're borrowing money from your parents/grandparents/friends etc to make ends meet then you most definitely can NOT afford a child.

And if you've only been with your baby daddy a few months, are jobless, live with your momma, or his momma you sure as HELL can NOT afford to have a child.

There are a dozen other situations I could describe but I think you get the point of what I'm saying.

Yet these are the people who are dropping babies like it's the most responsible thing in the world to do and I just don't get it.

While my family, growing up, wasn't what you would call poor, we definitely didn't have any major cash reserve in the bank. I remember as a kid hearing my parents stress about money and fight because one wanted to do something & the other said we couldn't afford it.

I remember not going to homecoming, or prom, or getting a letter jacket (yes I could have lettered!), or a class ring, or any number of things that make a high school experience memorable because I was told we just didn't have the money. At 36yrs old I clearly remember the stress and tension money issues caused in our house and I would NEVER willingly put another child through that.

I've been married for just over a year,  and my husband and I both have good stable jobs; and I still to this day want more than anything in the world to be a mother and my baby clock is not far from its last tick, but we would not even THINK about trying to have or adopt a baby right now because it would just be too much of a strain on our finances.


There are more people in my family who have kids that can't afford them than I can shake a stick at. Hell there are more people in this country - psh the world that have kids they can't afford that I can't even imagine or possibly conceive the level of selfishness and irresponsibility it would take for me to bring a child into a financially strapped family situation no matter how much love my husband and I have to give.

Children going hungry, growing up in orphanages, growing up feeling unloved, neglected, a burden to their families, becoming introverted and sad from not knowing how to deal with or understand the stress you sense between your mom or dad... whether 'parents' realize it or not these are all possible outcomes of having a child when you truly can not afford it.

It's not like I'm talking about kids getting knocked up because they were stupid. I'm not even talking about ladies in their 20's or 30's who get caught in an 'accident' after a night on the town and too many drinks - although those women should be smacked in the head too - I'm talking about grown women who know good and damn well they have no business getting pregnant not being responsible enough to prevent it.

I'm going to piss some people off in my family with this post but they piss me off being so selfish and irresponsible so we'll be even.

Anyway - the more I write about this the more indignant I get so I'm going to turn it over to you.

What's your opinion on becoming parents? Is it 'OK' if a woman forgets to take her pill and gets knocked up? Is it responsible to actively try to get pregnant when you can't even pay your house note?

Or are you like me and my husband and think being a parent is the most amazing rewarding precious gift in the world and the act of becoming one should be treated with responsibility, selflessness and respect?

Does having ovaries and a womb give us the right to bring a child into this world whether we can afford it or not, or just because we 'want' to be a parent or because we were careless about getting busy?




***Disclosure - I do want to say that I am in no way, shape or form a supporter of abortion or ending an unplanned pregnancy. I am one bajillion percent pro-life.

That being said we live in a day and age with resources enough that there really is no excuse to not be actively preventing pregnancy if we know it's not in the best interest of anyone involved to get knocked up!

Hello Blog... it's Me Again

Tap, tap, tap... is this thing on? Is anyone out there?

I've gone and done it again... taken an unintentional haitus from blogging.

I've not quite figured out yet why I do that.. skip writing for long periods of time. It's not like I don't have computer access, or lack of things to write about. I think that maybe, even though I write to help me get through life when things start to seem 'too much', that occassionaly they get too 'too much' to even process in thought much less type.

I do notice though that I don't feel as centered or settled when I don't write so I'm making a promise to myself (and those of you who read me!) that I'll do my absolute best to stay more active in the blogosphere from now on.

My last entry was Dec 2011 so I'll do a quick recap of all that has gone on since then for this post then get back to my normal type entries from here on.

My job with the BP oil spill relief as a contractor for the USFWS ended Dec 23rd and I spent the next 4 months being unemployed and freaked out by the underwhelming job opportunities in Gulf Shores, AL. I've never in my life had trouble finding work, but when you live in a tourist city and the primary work force consists of retail, hotel or fast food options for a highly skilled Admin are few and far in between.

Praise be to sweet baby Jesus I finally found a job! On April 30, 2012 I started working as the Executive Admin for a Media Consultant. It's an entirely new field for me and in less than a month I've already learned a boat load of very interesting new stuff! If you're as well versed in this field as I am you may be asking - 'what exactly does a media consultant do?'. In this case we do radio. Well, other forms of media too but primarily radio.

My boss is somewhat of a big deal in the radio world and I'm finding it very cool and rewarding to work for someone who's experience and work is so well known and respected. I've worked for CEO's & company presidents before but other than within their own company they were relatively unknown. That cannot be said about my boss...when it comes to radio his name is very familiar & I'm finding that quite neat.

As for what a media consultant in radio does - the long and short of it is they consult radio stations. That includes anything from suggesting what kind of music to play, to creating the format and developing on-air talent for a morning show. We do studies and reports and panels to find out what people are listening to music-wise and what they want to hear conversation-wise on the radio. Suffice to say there's a LOT more to radio than what most people & I thought!

Other than the search for work life has been pretty normal.

Matthew is steadily working his way up in his job & is waiting approval for his 3rd raise & 2nd promotion in the last year and I am so incredibly proud of him.

My health has been... eh. Still having issues with the intestines and for the last almost 3 months I've been dealing with one infection or virus after another. If it's not sinus, it's stomach, or upper respiratory. So far 2012 has not been a fantastic year for good health for me. I'm fairly sure I've coughed up part of one of my lungs today, but without insurance going to the doctor just isn't in the cards. As long as I can breath & walk I'll work & when it gets to the point where I can't do one of those we'll figure out how to scrape pennies together & schedule an appointment. And since we'll be spending the next few months catching up our finances from me being on unemployment for 4 months I'm thinking it will be some time before we have spare pennies. So if you'd send healing prayers, thoughts, vibes or whatever it is you believe in my way I'd be incredibly appreciative!

I don't want this catch up post to end up being overly long so I'm going to wrap now, but I WILL be back soon to update and share with you all what exciting things have been and are going on in my life!

Thanks for reading & I hope you stick around :)

A Time for Reflection

As the year comes to a close it's that time again. Time to reflect on the last year and what it has meant. What we've learned, how we've grown - or not grown. Time to list all the things we'll do different next year and swear to stick to the changes we promise ourselves.


2011 has been an incredibly intense year for me. There have been many changes, losses, new adventures and lessons learned.


In February my mother passed away after a year long battle with small cell lung cancer. Her illness, or rather our different reactions to it, caused a huge rift between myself and my brother and sister that is still healing and mending itself.


Shortly after that my little brother's phychotic now ex-girlfriend ran him over with her car. Yes literally. She mowed him down then took his wallet and left him lying in the street. Thankfully someone witnessed the whole thing and called 911. Praise God he was ok other than some seriously nasty abrasions and a messed up shoulder. The worst damage is the kind that is not visible.. and takes the longest to heal. It turns out he was the second boyfriend she'd hit with her car and is awaiting trial.


We also moved into a new apartment, in a new city in February. My work on the BP oil spill response relocated to Gulf Shores and after staying in a hotel for 2 months and only visiting our apartment in Mobile one day a weekend we decided to just relocate. Matthew found a great job with a company he loves & I left working as a contractor for BP and began work - still on the spill - as a contractor for the USFWS.


In March my husband and I went on a 10 day belated honeymoon to Scotland, London & Paris. Our second time ever to travel out of the country and we had an AMAZING time. Even getting lost - literally - for 6 hours in the forests of the Scottish Midlands couldn't take away from the beauty of our trip.


I had a combined 8 months of health issues and illnesses which took an enormous toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. Being sick is hard.. being sick for over half of the year is brutal. As soon as my doctor would get one health issue fixed another would show up. 4 months of female reproductive malfunction, followed by 2 months of severe intestinal issues, followed by 2 months of bronchitis and upper respiratory gunk is enough to make a girl want to go mad. I'm still not 100% but I'm getting there.

Last month we attended a combined family reunion, Thanksgiving, my dad's 50th celebration and I was reminded once again how different I am from the rest of my family. It was a four day trip but after two we left to come home. An evening of witnessing underage drinking ruined it for me & I just didn't want to be there anymore. I often wonder how I ended up being the only person in my entire family who has such a strict moral code. Not to say my family doesn't have morals.. they're good people.. but they are much much more laid back about things than I am and it often causes conflict and tension. There are some things I will just never be willing to "relax" about.

On Friday Dec 23rd my work with the spill response will end and I will join the ranks of the unemployed, which in a good economy is scary enough... in a crappy one it's terrifying. We also live in a resort/vacation city and unless you have experience in hotels, restaurants or retail there is really not much work. I have 15yrs experience in a professional environment - it just doesn't happen to be any of those 3. Thankfully Matthew has the ability to transfer with his job so if worse comes to worse and I can't find work here we have the option to move to somewhere that has a more diverse job market.

And those are just the big things... this truly has been a beyond belief eventful year. There have been so many twists and turns, lessons and hardships that I'm honestly surprised I survived it.

I'd like to say I have this great hope for next year, that things will get better, and I'm sure after the holidays pass and things settle down I'll get to that place, but for now.. I'm just tired. I feel like I've been running a marathon for the past 350 days and I just can't ever catch up to the other runners. I feel bruised and battered and like I just need to crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for a year.

Doesn't paint a bright picture for a jolly Christmas, I know. *Shrugs*

Like all things.. this too shall pass. I just hope it passes quickly. I'm ready to stop feeling like I'm watching my life pass by and start feeling like I'm actually living it.

The Surrender Box

Or Letting go and Letting GOD.

Several years ago a church I attended had a visualization practice that went along with that Sunday's message which was about letting go of all the 'baggage' we carry around with us. The things we can't control, can't change and aren't helping ourselves our anyone else by holding on to.

Christians - heck people in general are famous for saying we've 'gotten over' past issues or let something go only to pick that thing back up and continue carrying it with us into our future. We'd rather hold on to hurt, anger, regret and punish ourselves with what could have, should have, would have been than accepting events in our lives for what they are and moving on to all the blessings we've yet to step in to.

The exercise we did that Sunday was a really neat way to help permanently let go some of those things we all hold on to.

Scattered over the steps at the alter were small red bricks and black sharpies. The pastor invited members of the congregation to come up, get a brick and a marker and write all the things in our lives we've wanted to give to God but for whatever reason just hadn't been able to let go of.

After covering your brick with those things you returned to the steps, knelt, prayed, and left your brick - and issues on the alter for God to take care of.

The action of physically leaving the brick there with all of your deepest secrets penned on it was symbolic of setting aside all those things you've been carrying for so long and leaving them behind, getting up fresh and renewed.

I can tell you there wasn't an unwritten space left on my brick and as I prayed over those hurts, angers, issues and the tears fell on the brick wetting the words I'd written I felt a weight lift from my shoulders that had been holding me down for a very long time.

I can't say that every past issue I had just magically stopped bothering me - I had way too much baggage for it to be that easy, but I can say that at least some of the scars healed and some of the anger faded.

Today's DailyOM is very similar to the exercise we did at church that day and a practice I think we may begin at home.

A Place for Worries and Fears

A surrender box is a tool to let go of our burdens so the universe can take care of them for us.

There are times when our minds become too full. Our to-do lists, worries, plans, and dreams may be so crowded together in our heads that we don’t have room to think. We may believe that we are somehow taking care of our desires and concerns by keeping them at the forefront of our minds. In maintaining our mental hold on every detail, however, we may actually delay the realization of our dreams and the resolution of our worries because we won’t let them go. At times such as these, we may want to use a surrender box.

A surrender box allows us to let go of our worries and desires so the universe can take care of them for us. We write down what we want or need to happen and then place the note into a box. By writing and placing our thoughts in the box, we are taking action and letting the universe know we need help and are willing to surrender our feelings. We give ourselves permission to not concern ourselves with that problem any longer and trust that the universe is taking care of it. You may even want to decorate your box and place it in a special place. Your surrender box is a sacred container for your worries. Not only do you free up space in your mind by letting go of our worries and desires and dropping them into your surrender box, but you are giving your burden over to a higher power. Once we drop our worries and desires into the surrender box, we free our minds so we can be fully present in each moment.

Surrendering our worries and concerns and placing them in the hands of the universe doesn’t mean that we’ve given up or have been defeated. Instead, we are releasing the realization of our desires and the resolution of our worries and no longer concerning ourselves with their outcomes. It’s always fun to go back and pull the slips of paper out of the box once your requests have been granted. And it’s amazing how quickly problems go away and dreams come true when we finally let go and allow a higher power to help us.

The Surrender Box is a great idea even if you're not a Christian. Most people believe that there is something out there. Some higher power that guides us all, so whether it's God, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, The Goddess or whom or what ever you believe in, the Surrender Box is something everyone can use.

Another great thing about this is it isn't just for adults. Kids today have so many stresses and worries that it's unhealthy. Not only do they worry about what is going on in school, with their friends, they pick up on what's going on at home too. Creating a family surrender box can be a great way to help them feel involved in what's bothering mom and dad and take an active part in helping with it.

Now I'm not saying you should burden your children with all of the stresses of being a parent, but if there are some small things - like wanting dad to get a raise, or issues with the car - little things that a kid can understand - talking to them about what's going on can not only help them understand the stresses or tensions they are most likely picking up on but help them feel more a part of what's going on in their lives and the family as a whole.

And including them in the creation of your family surrender box can be a fun family craft time!

So... what are you surrendering today?

Staying Grounded in Busy World

Life can get crazy busy and in the middle of our hustle and bustle we often lose track of the important things in life. we lose track of ourselves, sometimes we even lose track of the most important reason we're here and the most glorious gift of being alive and that is just to simply LIVE.

For a more grounded life, choose not to get caught up in the fast-paced world around you.

1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow down. You will discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive.

2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world.

3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place.

4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to.

5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you.

6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don’t have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members – loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship.

7. See the larger picture. Remember the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion.

8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull.

9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality.

10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy, and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often “on the go” and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself.

1-10 content from DailyOM

Getting my OM on

According to the Mandukya Upanishad, "Om, or Aum is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it".

It is a Hindu sacred sound that is considered the greatest of all mantras. The syllable Om is composed of the three sounds a-u-m (in Sanskrit, the vowels a and u combine to become o) and the symbol's threefold nature is central to its meaning. It represent several important triads:

•the three worlds - earth, atmosphere, and heaven
•the three major Hindu gods - Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva

•the three sacred Vedic scriptures - Rg, Yajur, and Sama

Thus Om mystically embodies the essence of the entire universe

When I lived in Michigan I started having bad issues with insomnia. I'd lay in bed and no matter how hard I tried I just could not turn my brain off. I'd read, count sheep, listen to soothing music, exercise - anything I could think of to calm my mind or wear me out enough so that once I got into bed I would actually sleep.

When none of those things worked I decided to give sleep aids a try. Lunesta, Ambian, Rozerem, Melatonin... none of it worked. Some in fact had the opposite effect and made me jittery and agitated all night.

After weeks of not being able to sleep fatigue started having adverse effects on my ability to function and I was at my wits end.

Having tried every thing medical and physical I could think of and having them all fail, I decided to take a different approach and looked into meditation. After all, meditation is supposed to calm or still the mind and it was my racing noggin that was keeping me up so I figured what the heck.

I did a lot of research and reading on types of meditations, mantras to say or think while you're meditating, posture and hand positions that achieved different results during meditation. You name it I looked it up. After finally settling on the simplest technique I could find I decided I was ready to give it a go.

I will be totally honest - at first it was HARD. Sitting thinking about nothing isn't as easy as it sounds. Even in the quietest room in the most comfortable position thoughts bombard your mind. Did I put gas in the car? What am I wearing to work tomorrow? How soon do I need to go grocery shopping? How annoying was that jerk who cut me off in traffic today! If anything trying to quiet my mind made it want to get that much louder.

But I persevered and after a while I got the hang of it. The key is - not to try and not have thoughts, but rather to let the thoughts flow freely without focusing on them. Instead of zoning in on a thought and pondering on it or trying to force it away - you just acknowledge that the thoughts are there and let them flow past. After a while the thoughts get less and less frantic and eventually you'll notice that they've completely gone and you are left with a glorious peaceful quiet.

Anxiety, stress, sadness, sleeplessness! Pretty much any thing in your life that is having an undesirable effect on your emotions or attitude can be resolved with meditation.

It also helped me feel closer to God and creation. There are amazing things to be found in the stillness of a quiet mind.

I'd love to say I stuck with it and have reached a place of ultimate zen but unfortunately life gets in the way and no matter how good our intentions the things that are best for us often fall by the wayside.

Thankfully my husband is very serious and disciplined in his meditations, mantras and spiritual practices, and seeing his dedication is helping to motivate me to get back in to the ways of all things peaceful and calm.

My DailyOM is one of the tools I'm using to help me get my zen on. I stumbled across it on Facebook and so far really like what I've read. I'm a big fan of affirmations and positive reinforcement and this site has both - as well as educational information, meditations, classes and more. I'll be posting stuff from their site from time to time and hope you get as much from it as I do.

I'll wrap this up with a funny memory involving meditation and my little brother.

He'd been having a really hard time and was partaking in some less than healthy substances to help him get through those times. During a phone conversation one night I suggested that he try meditation to try and help him feel more calm and peaceful. Either I didn't speak clearly or he wasn't hearing clearly but the reply I got back was "Mollie - I'm trying to get away from drugs - not take more!"

Obviously he thought I'd said mediCation instead of mediTation. It was a funny moment during some not so funny times.

See - even if you're not practicing meditation it can bring you laughter.

Namaste

Sixty-Seven Cents

When I was a kid I spent my summers baby sitting my little brother & sister and the kids of my mom & dad's best friends. Over the course of the summer I'd make around $300.

In 1990 my parents bought a 1972 Pontiac Ventura II from my great uncle for $500. It had 42,000 miles on it and ran like a dream.

That summer I forfeited my baby sitting earnings in exchange for that car. My first ride, and it was a TANK. The kids at school immediately dubbed it the 'G-Ride' and it ultimately won me the award for 'Best Car' in my Senior English class. Thank you Mrs. Blanchard.

I drove it to school and work and I could fill it up for... are you ready for this?...... $12.00.

I did some searches online for the average price of a gallon of gas in 1990 and came up with ranges from $1.00 to $1.25. Where I lived, in the small city of Pearl, MS, gas was around $0.67 a gallon.

I remember when prices went up to $0.72. I felt panic - OMG! How in the world will I be able to afford to fill up my car?!?

In 1990 you could fill up your car for less than $15 bucks and buy a movie ticket for $3.25.

Oh the good old days.

Then again, I was minimum wage was only $3.35 & working part time as a car-hop at Sonic wasn't exactly filling up my pockets.

Now, it costs an average of $50 to fill up my 2011 Jeep Compass and a movie ticket costs almost $10 bucks!

If you're wondering where this trip down cheap gas memory lane is coming from - thank Congress.

I normally try to stay away from reading about politics and the crap our government tries to pull because - for one it's just depressing, and two - well it's just depressing.

But lately you'd have had to literally live in a cave under some rocks to get away from the news that we as a country are BROKE. I don't mean brok'en', although we're well on our way there as well, I mean broke as in We Gots No Dollas.

Out of all the shifty stuff going on in our country that rubs me the wrong way, the economy is an issue that definitely pushes my hot button. And not in a good way.

According to Obama, if congress doesn't pull their heads out of their asses and come to some kind of compromise he cannot guarantee that medicare checks will go out. Social Security benefits may not get paid and soldiers may end up risking their lives for literally nothing.

Meanwhile movie stars are living it up in mansions.. some more than one.. and in multiple countries. Pro athletes are raking in millions for playing one form of ball or another and the people who run this country are happily cashing their fat checks while trying to figure out how to screw the rest of us out of our truly hard earned money.

I understand running the country is an important job - but I find it more than ironic that the people who are supposed to be making sure our government is truly 'For the People' can spend weeks in a room arguing over who to screw but not once mention 'oh HEY! We make a boat load of money - how about we take pay cuts and dump some of our over inflated pay checks back into this country we're running into the ground'.

In 1990 a US Senator made $98,400. In 2011 they make $174,000.

That is a $75,000 raise over the course of 20 years. SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!.

This is from http://www.house.gov/daily/salaries.htm. If there is a newer listing I wasn't able to find it.

Salaries Legislative, Executive, Judicial
*as of January 2009

President .........................................................$400,000

Vice President .................................................$227,300

Speaker of the House ......................................$223,500

House Majority & Minority Leaders ...............$193,400

House / Senate Members & Delegates ............$174,000

Chief Justice, Supreme Court ...........................$217,400
Associate Justices, Supreme Court ...................$208,100

So let's do a little math. If there were only 1 person in each of these positions that's $1,244,100. 1.2 MILLION dollars a year in salary.

Let's go back to 1990 for a minute.

The Average National Debt in 1990 was $3,364,820,000,000.
The Average National Debt today - 14,293,315,...,... well hell, it's changing too fast to be able to keep up - see for yourself here.

According to Whitehouse.gov the national debt has increased $12.7 Trillion in the last ten years. And according to Skymachines.com the debt has in fact done nothing BUT increase since President Ford's term in 1976 - and it was $653.5 million then.

Needless to say in the last 34 years our country has done nothing but sink deeper and deeper into the red, yet political figures have steadily been getting raises, bonuses, cushy health plans and the like.

~~taking a second to breath myself into a calmer state.

Ok - I'm settled down now - well enough to continue any way.

I LOVE and am incredibly grateful for the freedoms and liberties afforded to me by living in the US - but as a whole - we are a lazy, whiny, greedy, gluttonous country that has NO IDEA how cushy we have it.

In El Salvador some families live on as little as $30 a month. A MONTH!

In many African villages children are lucky if they eat, and can't even imagine what it would be like to drink clean water.

In America - we pay celebrities ONE FREAKING MILLION DOLLARS to film ONE episode of a popular sitcom - which only takes about a week.

In America we pay a basketball player THIRTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS to bounce a ball for 4 years.

If you took a half of the salary of all top politicians, actors, celebrealitiesci and pro athletes in the US for 5 years and dumped it into a bank I'm fairly sure we'd cut a sizable chunk out of the nation's debt and I'm even more sure those people could still comfortably drive their Porsches and live in their mansions without feeling the hit.

GRR - I'm worked up again and have probably rambled from my original line of thought but the bottom line is - we HAVE all the money we need to get completely out of debt sitting right here in our own back yard.

I just hope us bottom feeders don't starve or end up homeless before the rich realize that the incline in their bank accounts and the decline of our economy are in direct correlation with one another.

I Get it From My Momma

There were a lot of things about my mother that I didn't like.

She walked around the house naked when I was a kid. Totally traumatized me. Seriously.

She spent more time watching Falcon Crest, Dynasty and Dallas than being a mom.. to me at least.. by the time my siblings were born those shows had faded out so they got a little more parental interaction than I did.

She smoked. I hated that she smoked. I hated that we never had money for anything I wanted to do, but she always had money for cartons of cigarettes.

She was abusive - mentally, emotionally, physically. I can't tell you how damaging it is to a child to grow up feeling unloved by your mother. If I didn't answer the way she wanted, or questioned something she said she would just go crazy swinging her arms slapping me in the head. She busted my lip once. Pulled out some of my hair another time.

She was a mother, but she wasn't a 'mom'. Not until the last couple of years anyway.

There are a dozen or more things I could say but those were the main things that stand out.

Those.. and many many other events and memories of an unhappy childhood I have carried with me the majority of my life.

Some I'd let go, some I thought I'd let go but realized after she passed they were still very much a part of who I was and how I saw the world. Some we'd begun to work on sorting through and overcoming in the last few years.

Those have been the hardest to come to terms with since she died. The ones that we'd begun the process of working on, the wounds we were healing and the gaps we'd begun bridging.

I was for the first time in my life.. in my 30's.. starting to feel like I had a MOM.

And then she died.

The Kübler-Ross model says there are five stages of grief.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.

I think I skipped the first and third stages.

I've known my mom was dying since she was diagnosed with emphysema over 12yrs ago. Her doctor told her then she had to stop smoking. She didn't. So I've never been in denial that her lifestyle and choices would end in death. We all die - she just knowledgeably chose to hasten her end by continued bad choices.

Having never had a true 'mother-daughter' type of relationship most have left me with little to bargain for. It's not like I was losing something I ever had. I was never a mama's girl. We didn't do things together, share secrets, confide in each other. We never had a relationship. At least not one I was going to miss.

Anger hit me hard. And in many ways.

I was mad at her for choosing smoking over her family. Mad at her for never being the mother I needed. Mad at her for all the bad choices she made in her younger years that had such a profound effect on me as a child. Mad at her for robbing me of the type of mom I could curl up on the couch with and tell about my day. The type of mom I saw my friends have... a mom that made them feel loved, and accepted.. a mom that let them know they were good enough.

I was mad at her for all the things she put my brother and sister through when they were kids. Mad at her for flipping out and acting crazy when her and my dad got divorced. Mad at her for making me take sides in the custody hearings. Mad at her for just not being able to get her shit together and be a mother. Mad at her for not standing up for me and knowingly allow me to live my entire life as the 'step-kid' to my dad and his family. Hell even to my own brother and sister. My step-dad married my mom when I was 4, but he never knew who I was.. he only knew who my mom made me out to be.

My brother and sister had a vastly different life than I did and I spent the majority of my life resenting my mother for that because she was the only one who could have done anything about it and she didn't.

I was sexually molested when I was 3 by a babysitter. I was angry at her for that. Your mother is supposed to be your protector. She didn't protect me.

I was mad at her for sleeping around when she was a teenager and getting pregnant from a guy who didn't want kids. My brother and sister got to have their dad... I didn't.

I was mad at her for playing the victim to my brother and sister and pitting them against me when all of her guilt finally starting hitting her.

The last year of her life my family pretty much turned against me. They couldn't understand why I wasn't all lovey gooey over mom. "She's dying & you're a heartless bitch!" I got that from more than one sibling on more than one occasion.

She wanted everything to all of a sudden be OK because she was sick, but I just couldn't snap my fingers and pretend we had the happy mother-daughter relationship she all of a sudden regretted never having with me. And because my brother & sister had a completely different relationship with her and were too young to ever see how things really were between my mom and I they didn't understand. They didn't get it. So in the face of their grief they turned on me and she did nothing to change it or tell them the truth of how things were.


Most of all I was mad at her for waiting until I was in my 30's to finally try and be a real mom to me then die when we were just starting to make headway. I was angry she wouldn't see the first home I made with my husband. Angry she'd never come visit us, or see how well we were doing. Angry I couldn't call her and let her know about my new job, or my latest accomplishment. Angry that for something as stupid as a cigarette she took so much from me. Angry that she took so much from herself.

Whew - that's a lot of anger.

Thankfully depression had a much smaller and short lived place in my grieving process. I'm not sure I would have survived the combination of a full depression on top of all of that anger.

It did hit me though. For a couple of months almost every little thing made me cry. It felt like a huge hole had been torn from my chest - and it was even worse because it was the hole of always missing having a 'mom' combined with the hole of losing a 'mother'.

Matthew & I started fighting - because instead of grieving I took all that I was feeling and channeled it into other places. Being annoyed at him forgetting to do something I asked became a 4 day nagging fest.

Being bothered by him leaving his pants on the floor turned into a full blown rage fest and tirade about how much of a slob he was.

Needless to say, the months since my mother's passing have proven that I still had a LOT of repressed anger and that my husband is a saint.

If you've ever lost someone, heck if you've ever just been going through something you know that it doesn't matter what someone tells you, or how many different ways they say it - until you are ready to deal with what is going on and process through it - nothing helps. And no one, not even you know when that moment will arrive, or what will trigger it. You just know that you do the best you can to hold on until it comes.

During the last couple of weeks I've watched several movies that had to do with the death of a loved one. Then Sunday I watched a movie called 'Life as a House' with Kevin Kline & Hayden Christiansen. Kevin Kline was a dad who was dying of cancer, and Hayden was a very very angry kid who had pretty much no relationship with his dad at all. The movie was beautiful and I HIGHLY recommend it.

I don't know if it was seeing so much of my life in the movie and being able to grieve and then heal with Hayden's character or what but something happened, my moment came.

And Monday I woke up Happy. Totally, completely, truly from the inside out HAPPY. Happy with my life, happy with my home, happy with my job, my husband... most amazingly.. happy with myself.

And instead of focus on all the things I never got from my mother, I started thinking about the things I did - hence the title of this post.

First of all I got fabulously gorgeous hair from her. No really - we have great hair.

I got strong healthy nails.

I got fantastic Indian cheekbones.

I got a brother and sister - that while they can be total asshats, I love more than life.

But more than physical superficial things..

I got my spirit.. my strength... my determination... my stubbornness....my heart.


Some of my family may disagree on that last one, but ya know what - for the first time in my life I am completely OK with that. It's fine - they don't understand me...   to be honest they barely even know  me...

What matters is that I KNOW that I am an amazing woman who has an incredible future ahead of her.

And I know that for reasons good or bad, I owe a very large part of that to my mother.

Thank you momma... I love you.

Diane Beatrice Spiers Abshire

December 26, 1957 - February 5, 2011