Take two aspirin and meet me in the bedroom

Today we're going to talk about sex.

My favorite part of being in a relationship.

Ok, my most favorite part is spending time with my wonderful boyfriend, but sex is a very close second. I love you honey! ^_^

I whined in my last post that Jillian Michaels is kicking my ass doing her 30 Day Shred workout. That woman is a machine when it comes to working out. The girl is unstoppable.

Well I'm kind of like that when it comes to sex.

I love sex.

A LOT.

I've come to realize that maybe my sex drive is a bit above average for a woman. Hell it's probably above average for a man. My sex drive would in fact probably put the energizer bunny to shame. I would be perfectly happy to have sex every single day. Morning sex, afternoon sex, before bed sex. Heck even brunch and before dinner sex.

When my ex-fiance and I first got together it was like having a newborn. We had sex like every 2 hours, every night. If we went to bed at say 10pm, we'd have sex before going to sleep, then wake up at midnight and have sex again, then around 2am, 4am, and then again when woke up to begin getting ready for work.

This lasted for a good six months until the lack of sleep started catching up with me and sheer exhaustion demanded more than 3-5 hours of sleep each night. After that we toned it down a bit but still had sex every night, usually once in the middle of the night and when we woke up. On the weekends it wasn't uncommon to be watching TV and just go at it in the middle of the day. We pretty much had sex at least once a day every single day for the entirety of our relationship. We were together for three years.

Now Matthew isn't quite the horny little bunny that I am and we also work opposite schedules so it's often hard to find time to fit in as much lovin' as I'd like. I work 8am-5pm, he works 1am-9am so when I'm home he's at work and vice verse. When I get home from work he's normally only been asleep for a few hours. I wake him up around 8pm so we can have dinner together and just spend that time enjoying each other's company. Then I go to bed at 10pm and he lays down with me to get a couple more hours sleep before work.

We are both off on the weekend so I've pretty much issued a mandate that lovin' will be had on those days. And he's more than happy to oblige. And he obliges well, if you know what I mean- wink.

There has been the rare occasion in the middle of the week where I'll come home from work and attempt to wake him up for a little lovin'. Some times I get what I want, some times I get "but honey I'm tireddddd". Which brings me to today's topic.

A few weeks ago my boss was being more grumpy than usual and one of the guys in the office and I were chatting about it, wondering what had brought on the increased sourness in his mood. I made the joke that maybe he wasn't getting any at home.

My co-worker replied that it was more likely the opposite and his wife giving him hell about it was probably what was responsible. He went on to inform me that the media had it all wrong. Movies and TV shows portrayed men always wanting to get it on, and women always having headaches, but in reality men just didn't really need it that much and it was women who were the sex fiends.

I think it's important to note that my co-worker is a healthy viable 25yr old male. He and his girlfriend live together. He's fit and handsome, she's gorgeous with a great body. He said that more often than not he tries to beat his girlfriend to bed so he can pretend to be asleep when she comes in, because if he's awake when she gets in bed he's almost certainly going to have to 'put out'.

You know how Scooby Doo tilts his head to the side when he's confused? That was me right about this point in the conversation. The rest of it went something like this.

I asked him,

"Do you just not like sex?".

"No, I love sex. I enjoy it."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Guys just don't need it that much. We'd rather be sleeping"

Do huh?

When did this role reversal happen? When did the universe flip upside down and women take on the role of sexual aggressors and men fill the 'honey I'm too tired' roles?

Have movies, magazines and TV always had it wrong? Is there some master conspiracy to make women think that men are just horn dogs when they could really care less if they get any or not? Or to make men think women are more often than not going to 'have a headache', so they may as well resign themselves to alone time in the bathroom with a good 'article' from Penthouse?

Or do I just live in some randomly freakish rip in the solar system where my boyfriend and the men I work with wish their women didn't think of them as sex machines? Matthew has actually said those very words to me when I asked him if I could 'get some loving'. "Gosh honey, I'm not a sex machine". He says he can 'love on me' without always having to 'sex me up'.

And he's right. Spending time cuddled on the couch wrapped in each others arms is in its own way just as satisfying as some really great sex. Sometimes even more so.

But that doesn't mean I wouldn't still like to be getting 'sexed up'. ;-)

Anyway, what's your take on this? Men, women... I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Fellas:

Are you really OK with just getting it every once in a while or do you wish your chic would buy stock in Tylenol and get over the 'headache'?

Ladies:

How often would you like your man to 'sex you up'? Once a day? Once a week? A couple of times a month?

I know I can't be the only closet nymph out there.

Can I?

*crickets chirping*

And she said...

Yesterday I posted about how the new neighbors who recently moved into the apartment above mine are keeping me up with acrobatic sex at all hours of the night. So I wrote them a nice note and taped it to their door last night when I got home.

See the note here.

This morning as I was walking out the door to work I noticed something in my mailbox.
I live in an apartment and our mailboxes look something similar to this.



Busted locks and all. There is a thin slot in the box that you can look through & usually tell if you have mail. Thinking the mail man ran very very late last night or very very early this morning I opened my box to find a note.

On the outside of the note I had written to my neighbor I wrote "Welcome to the Building!"

On the outside of the note my neighbor left me it says "And what a building it is!"

Here is what the note said:

Dear Sleep Deprived,

First and foremost I would like to thank you for the smile you put on my face after the miserable and stressful day I've had. Your ability to bring humor to such a humiliating situation must be commended. I know if I had to listen to myself have sex every night I would have kicked down my door long ago.

Secondly, I would like to offer my sincerest of apologies. I pride myself on being a polite and considerate person and I'm mortified that I've disturbed you so. You see, we've only recently gotten cable and we're not very creative people. Besides, we're still in the honeymoon stage of our relationship and before long he'll be farting in bed and I'll stop shaving my legs. We're only trying to take advantage of the fact that we still find each other attractive.

That being said, thanks for the sex tips! My boyfriend will truly enjoy the games you've inspired me to invent. Perhaps from now on we'll fantasize that we're having sex in a library, or maybe we'll play deaf mute girl and her sign language tutor. Possibly we'll try (my favorite by the way) Nun and Monk who have taken a vow of silence.

Now that you mention it, your suggested bed time isn't a bad idea. I've been quite sleep deprived myself lately and think giving the old bed springs a rest every once in a while couldn't hurt.

All joking aside though, I'm truly sorry. I'm glad you have the nerve to assert yourself and complain. I would much rather avoid you in shame then remain blissfully ignorant.

Thanks for the laugh. I'm framing your letter and hanging it above my bed.

I appreciate your patience, wit and tact.

-Understanding and cooperative (albeit horny) neighbor.



I'm going to write her back I think. Of course showing my appreciation for her thanks. It's always a good thing to bring laughter to someone! =) Then I think I may suggest a riotous game of charades! After they've had a week or two to practice of course.

They huffed and puffed...

And kept me up way past my bedtime!! AGAIN!!!


They being the new neighbors who moved into the upstairs apartment directly above mine a few weeks ago.

I live in an old apartment complex and I don't know if it's because it's old or because it has all hard wood floors and no carpet to muffle the sound between the floor of the upstairs apartment and my ceiling, but I can hear every. single. sound. that is made in the apartment above mine.

If it's a single decibel above a loud I can hear it. I can sit in my living room and audibly trace the steps of the couple upstairs by listening to them Clop and Stomp like woolly mammoths across the floor.

There he goes... to the bathroom.. ok onto the kitchen now... oh they're watching Idol.. nope Seinfeld... to the bedroom... oh back to the bathroom now.

You get the idea.

The girl seems to be pretty light on her feet. I don't hear her often. (Ok I don't hear her walking often, I'll elaborate on what I do hear in a moment) The boyfriend, however, has a VERY heavy step. I seriously lie in bed at night and watch the ceiling, waiting for the cracks to appear and plaster start to fall. It sounds like he's going to stomp right through the floor.




I'm a very very light sleeper. I also suffer from insomnia. So the 2-4 precious hours of sleep I do manage to occasionally get each night are right up there on the importance scale of say AIR.. oh and dark chocolate. My adventures with sleep aids have run the gamut from Ambian, Lunesta, Rozerum, Tylenol PM, and just about every other over the counter sleep aid out there. You might say I have a problem sleeping.

Occasionally when the exhaustion and delirium of sleep deprivation get to the point where I have trouble functioning I'll take some of the wonderful stuff my Dr gave me for the pinched nerve in my back. Read: GOOD sh*t - may cause drooling & incoherent mumbling. It guarantees me about 3-5 hours of nothing short of a freight train falling on my head will wake me up sleep. I truly don't like taking medication of any kind so I do this sparingly and only when I know that I simply cannot go another day without allowing my body to rest.



Back to the energizer bunnies upstairs. I'm all for having a good, healthy, active sex life. I mean it may have been back during the Reagan administration but even I had one once upon a time. Ok it wasn't that long ago.. when he was president I was like 8, but you get the idea.

But there is such a thing as common respect for your neighbors. I mean for the love of Rosie O'Donnell in Exit to Eden come on!



During the week I go to bed anywhere from 8pm to 10pm, but I'm almost always in bed by 10pm. I get up at 6am and while if you do the math, yes I am aware that allows for 8-10 hours of sleep, remember I'm an insomniac. Going to bed at 10pm means I lay in bed, mind racing until at least 12 or 1am. Then I wake up around 2am or 3am, then again around 4:30am then again when my alarm finally goes off at 6am. So if I'm lucky that rounds out to maybe 1 1/2 or 2 hours of solid uninterrupted sleep a night, then a few more interrupted hours.

The first weekend they moved in was horrible. Friday night, moving furniture and midget bowling at 2am. Those are the only two things I can think of that could possibly account for the ungodly amount of racket going on upstairs. Saturday night, more furniture rearranging, Sumo wrestling in the living room and a reenactment of the shoot-out at the OK Corral. Now I knew they were just getting moved in and getting things settled so I decided to be a nice understanding neighbor and let it go.




So on this has continued for the past 3 weeks, several nights a week.... and very early on Saturday mornings with the humping, and moaning, and bed scraping against the floor and banging against the wall.

My new roommate is moving in this Sunday so this past weekend I did some spring cleaning, swept, mopped, scrubbed the toilet you know.. fun stuff in preparation and decided well hell while I'm cleaning I may as well rearrange my room. I thought maybe.. if I move my bed against a different wall on the other side of the room the sound wouldn't be as bad. Their bed is positioned directly above where my bed was and I had the joy of hearing every little slide and scrape of the bed on the hardwood floors in their apartment.

**side note - bless her heart. her b/f has to be the most not rhythm having white boy on the planet. I mean seriously.. he'll get going (I can tell by the scraping of the bed on the floor and the banging on the wall) at a good speed and she'll get to well.. making noise and it's like all of a sudden he has completely used up the 3 minutes of concentration he has allotted for acting like he knows what he's doing and the scrapes will go all wonky like the ball in that old fashioned arcade game brick break when you get through the top layer of bricks and the ball just bounces around crazy trying to get back out.



***note to guys - if she starts getting louder and faster in her moaning, panting, whatever kind of noise she makes - she's almost there.. Don't Freaking Stop ya dimwitted schmuck! That is not the time to try out some new move you think you learned watching Debbie Does Dallas on VHS.

So I moved my bed, thinking I've if not solved the problem then at least lessened the volume of unwanted stuff I'll hear when I'm TRYING TO SLEEP! But no.. noo. noooooo. Apparently last night they decided to freakin christen the dresser or whatever else piece of furniture is Right Above Where I JUST MOVED MY BED!!!

So today when I get home from work I'm going to leave them a note on the door. I've not written it yet, but the following is a rough draft of what I've come up with so far. (Of course I'm going to leave a note.. geez you don't think I'm going to knock on the door and ask her face to face to moan a little more quietly so I can sleep do you?!? Gah!)



Dear new neighbor:

I don't know if you've noticed, and I'm not sure if it's the lack of carpeting or the age of the building but sounds carry very very well through these apartments. I've tried to be understanding, what with you just having moved in and all, but sheer exhaustion has forced me to address this issue. I'm leaving a note rather than speaking with your personally to save either of us any embarrassment . But could you possibly throw a rug under the bed in your room? Or a towel, or sheet or well anything that will muffle the sound of the scraping across the floor. And not just the bed, but anything else you and your boyfriend might decide to hump on. Oh and maybe think about investing in a ball gag? Or a sock, or pillow or heck the underwear he just pulled off will do I'm sure! You tend to get a bit uhhh loud.

I suffer from insomnia and am a very very light sleeper, so I value the few hours of sleep I do manage to get and tend to become a very unpleasant person when those precious hours of rest are disturbed. As they have been most every night since you've moved in. It's not personal, I'm happy you have an active sex life. Yay You! But the guy who lived upstairs before you was quiet. I like quiet.

Although we don't really talk to each other much in this building we do try to respect each other and keep things quiet in the evenings during the week. So if you must thrust.. please try to do so before 10pm Sun thru Thursday nights. Or maybe use the other bedroom, or the couch, or the kitchen counter once in a while. Spice things up. I know you have two beds. I watched your guy friend carry the mattresses up the stairs.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!!



Your sleep deprived neighbor =)