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Friday, November 16, 2007

Trying to understand people who just seem - un-understandable

Have you ever met someone who for the longest time seemed like they were one kind of person... then after time went by they morphed into some contrived alien creature from planet "If it's not about me it's not worth being positive about"?

I know someone like that and while I normally have little trouble just letting things go, trying to "figure her out" or understand her has become to me something akin to what I imagine the Rubik's Cube was to 6yr old math savants across the globe. You KNOW you know how to fix the puzzle.. you're not entirely sure how just yet but you know you can't stop until you get it.

Let me tell you, for someone who thrives on peace and harmony in her life.. it's really unpleasant. Yet for the life of me I can't figure out why I can't just acknowledge that she's apparently NOT the person I thought she was, or even the person she'd originally portrayed herself to be and simply remove her presence from my life.

Here's an example of the "if it's not something I thought of first or something to glorify ME then I just have to be a b*tch about it" attitude I'm talking about....I sent her a text this morning that said "Happy Friday!". I woke up in a great mood, the drive to work was filled with the glorious majesty of fall colors, leaves scattered on the sidewalks, tree limbs dancing in the breeze.. just one of those mornings where the beauty of life and being alive filled every cell of your being. So I thought I'd share some happy with a friend. I'd smile if I got a "Happy Day" message.. wouldn't you?

This is the response: "Who says happy Friday?". Not thanks.. not you too.. not anything even remotely positive. In response I said with a smiley face and a lol to make sure it was clear I was smiling, laughing and being jovial.. "I do =) gotta prob with that? lol". To which I get this - ":S" If you're familiar with smiley emoticons in instant messengers, this one is the equivalent to the face you'd probably give someone if I dunno they just told you their dog accidentally had diarrhea in your favorite pair of $80 black heels, but not to worry they were SURE the smell would come out! You'd look at them, not only like they were stupid, but I'm sure with more than a small amount of disgust and disdain.

Now maybe you think, oh I'm sure you're just over-reacting.. maybe she's just having a bad day and it was a rare occurrence. If only that were the case, but no. This is a regular every day kind of thing. I asked her.. are you unhappy? Do you feel that being ugly or only slightly less than positive helps you deal with whatever you've got going on? To these questions she always, most emphatically and in a wee bit of a condescending tone that she is extremely happy. She has a great life, great kids, a great gf.. things couldn't be better!!

So I wonder... are some people just unable to be happy or positive about things that don't serve the express purpose of glorifying themselves? Is something as simple as wishing they have a happy day so banal and insignificant they find themselves simply unable to exert the monumental effort a positive response must surely take?

This is the point where I imagine you must be saying, "Well she sounds like a total self-absorbed tool, why don't you just stop talking to her?"

And that my friends is the million dollar question...I try to recall the past 4 years of friendship we've shared, dredging my memory to see if this type of behaviour was always there and I somehow managed to be completely oblivious to it for so long. If that were the case then why now, all of a sudden, did I notice every little negative, snide comment. I've shared in other blogs that I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have decided to embark upon the journey of discovering and creating the greatest version of the grandest vision I've ever had about Who I Truly Am and Who I Choose To Be... so I thought, hmm, maybe it's because I've decided to eliminate all negativity from the way I see and react to things that her obvious lack of positivity has just become more apparent to me. Then I thought further back, and looked a little deeper.. and I think I may have come upon an alternate more likely explanation...

When I first met my friend, I had recently broken up for the final time with my fiance. I was in a very delicate state and was I think desperately searching for something or someone to replace him in my life. Not replace him as my fiance, or lover, but as my best friend, for he had been my very best friend, the person I turned to for everything, shared my deepest fears and hopes with, the person I looked to for validation and encouragement. She was beautiful, outgoing, funny, flirtatious, exotic and so very very sure of herself. I was instantly drawn to that I think. Something strong and what appeared to me at the time positive. Well, what I've come to realize in my reminiscence of our years of friendship was that at the beginning of our budding friendship I was so eager, so desperate for someone to fill the void breaking up with my ex fiance had left that I tended to well... one way of putting it may be... worship her. I know that's an awful word to use and not what I mean in it's most known and purest definition, but it's the closest thing I can think of the describe how I treated her.

I've always been a pretty positive person, sometimes overly realistic, but I've always tried to see the best in people and to lift that up. To let people know they were special. Well... I think I may not have been the only person in her life doing that kind of "lifting". I've begun to think she imagined herself (even if subconsciously) to be sitting up on a pretty damn high pedestal. She's gorgeous. Guys fall over themselves to talk to her. Her family and from what I've seen the majority of her friends are all what could be called "the beautiful people". The kind of people who because of the way they look and the vibe of confidence and self-worth they exude never really have to work for much of anything. Now don't get me wrong, she's been through some horribly tragic events in her life.. and life hasn't always handed her roses, but I imagine so much adulation couldn't help but eventually seep into the deep crevices of your sub and self-conscious and become well.. an expected way of life.

So.. when I decided to embark on this journey of self discovery, I think the way I treated her began to resemble less of what she was used to and more of the way you treat well.. anybody, any person, friend, even someone you care a great deal about. NORMAL. This of course could have absolutely nothing to do with her attitude. I could be way off base, and I think maybe, because she did and still does mean so much to me that it's the hope that she's really not this self absorbed, shallow, person she's presenting herself to be now that's keeping me from just moving on.

You always want to think the very best of those you love; friends, family, spouses, children. And even though true love sees through the unpleasant facets of the personalities of your loved ones and loves them anyway, it doesn't mean you WANT to see traits in them that are less than appealing. You never want to think someone YOU love could be "That kind of person". So it is a result of that "always believing the best" part of my own character makeup that I find myself in this quandary. I'm one of those people who unless you've done something absolutely deplorable never walks away from a friendship. I still consider people I haven't seen in years friends. I may never cross their mind again, but in my heart if they ever need a friend.. I'm still there. A lot of people don't understand how I can still be nice and caring to people who have hurt me so much. I can only say it's a gift from God that I just love in a way that I suppose, sadly, not many people love. I love fully and truly. To me, when you love someone, no matter what kind of love it is; romantic, familial or friendly, is it eternal. Love never dies. So when I love someone, I love them forever. It's that kind of love that makes it easy for me to forgive and usually even forget hurt and harm brought on me by others. I guess you could say I "Let go and Let God" lol =). I know it's a bit cliche'ish, but it's true.

So I continue to act in love toward my friend, always extending positivity and well wishes, however seldom I receive them in return. Is enough ever enough? Do you ever reach a point where you're only hindering a person by showing them love? Or is there a point where to best help that person see the path they've taken and the effect their actions have on others, that you indeed must simply walk away?

I dunno... I only pray.. believing that every thing happens for a reason, and every person who touches your life does so for a distinct purpose... and believing, always believing that there is good.. true, deep, beautiful good in every one.

1 People who coughed on a furball:

Anonymous said...

Maybe instead of telling her how wonderful you're world is, you can say, "Hi _____, I just wanted to say that I hope you have a good day today." If she's not having a good day, then just simply say that you are sorry she's having a bad day and ask if there is anything you can do to make her day better.

If you're miserable in your own life, you want someone to listen to you and be understanding. You don't necesarily want to just hear about how wonderful someone else's life is when yours, whether in reality or not, seems so bleek.

It's all a matter of learning to adjust to other personality types. HOWEVER, if she's a condescending bitch to you then you don't need her in your life.