Tuesday, July 05, 2011

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

So, I've not blogged much in the last year, even less so since my mom passed away in February and I'm beginning to see that falling away from this particular outlet may not have been the best thing for my mental and emotional stability.

Blogging is cathartic for me. It's the way I 'get out' all the stuff I'm holding in and trying - but usually failing - to deal with. And the past year has been slam packed FULL of things that require dealing.

When Matthew and I became engaged last July we talked about how long of an engagement we wanted and both decided that about a year was right for us. We officially became a couple May 22nd so we were going to have that be our wedding date as well, which would have given us ten more months to live together, learn each other, grow as a couple and make 100% sure we were ready to spend the rest of our lives together.

Then my mom's cancer got worse and we - I - felt like we had to push things up to make sure my mom would be able to attend the wedding - which she did - and in spite of a ton of drama and stress from my family the wedding ended up being beautiful.

Let me start by saying I do not for one second regret getting married. I love Matthew with all my heart and have no doubts that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

That being said - we were married in October then my mom passed in February and the stress of dealing with being a newly married couple, compounded with dealing with the loss of a parent has added an entirely new level of stress to our relationship, that to be honest, we haven't been dealing with terribly well.

Which brings me back to blogging. The only other relationship I've ever been in was with a guy who - in spite of his at times REALLY bad side - was my best friend. He knew what I was thinking without being told. He knew how I felt without me having to talk about it. He finished my sentences. Even if the issues in our relationship were 'about' him, I could talk to him without him taking it personal and getting defensive or angry. He could sit and listen to what I had to say and see it from my point of view.

Matthew, for all of his other many many wonderful traits does not share the same gift of intuitiveness that the only other love in my life did. And to be perfectly honest I'm having a hard time figuring my way around the difference.

One of the things that most attracted me to Matthew was his brain. He is fairly brilliant and has a knowledge base that just blows my mind at times. His thirst for knowledge surpasses mine and as I'm the type who wants to know everything about everything that's saying something. But with that brilliance comes a sort of detachment from the emotional. Don't get me wrong, he's not cold by any means. He is a very kind, funny, loving man - he just doesn't have that 'get me' thing that I thought every husband should have.

Maybe I've read too many romance novels, or maybe the one relationship I did have before set me up to expect things that were not the 'norm' in any potential future relationship to come. I just know that before we got married Matthew was my best friend.. and now... now he's my husband. And I love my husband dearly, but I miss my best friend.


It's funny how the process of emotional purging works. When I titled this post 'The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow' I had an entirely different subject in mind to write about, but something totally different came through my fingers.

I'd planned to write about my relationship, or lack thereof, with my parents as a child - and all of the grand realizations I'm coming to about life, and myself since my mother's passing.

Maybe next time....

1 People who coughed on a furball:

Christine Staley said...

H2.0 had similar issues in dealing with the death of my dad. It is hard to have so many changes happen in your life at once.

Hang in there, I know I am!