As 2006 comes to an end and the New Year begins, I find myself looking forward with uncertainty, apprehension and a seemingly insurmountable number of questions. At the same time I find myself feeling excitement, anticipation and confidence about what the future holds, although I have absolutely no idea what that may be. Seems I'm kind of at odds with myself huh.
In one moment I've never been more sure of what I want in life, what my dreams are, what my passion is, and in the next I am floundering, clueless about where to go and how to get there. I had dinner with a good friend tonight and we chatted about life, about dreams, goals, and the people who have them and what it takes to accomplish them. We also talked about people who are perfectly content to live life day to day, never thinking beyond that very moment or dreaming of anything bigger. People who are fine just working a job, living their lives day by day, and we both came to the conclusion that neither of us are the latter type of person. Here is where the conundrum lies.
I once believed God had a specific plan for my life that included a specific person. A person I loved more than I thought humanly possible. I had no idea what that plan was, or what I needed to do to accomplish it, just that he was a part of it. Maybe I should reword that belief. I believed that He had a plan for his life and I was a part of it. "His", being the (prophesied) love of my life, God's chosen one for me. I never really believed in prophecy before, didn't even know it existed other than in stories in the Old Testament. But a new adventure into a new way of believing seemed to make things so much clearer. Or did it?
Let me expound a little. I met this guy.. online of all places. Not my type at all, I didn't think he was even a little bit cute. Here's where the "it really only matters what is on the inside" saying comes in. Love is blind? Absolutely. Positively. Unequivocally. So anyway, I fell for him. Never did think he was cute by the way. Again I say. Love is blind. So a very short courtship and 3 ½ years later the fairy tale ended. But during the story some very profound things happened. I learned that I could lose all respect for myself in the name of "love".
I learned that people have the ability to "read" other people and abuse them for their own benefit, and I learned I think most importantly that when someone is so terrified of failure they refuse to try, then they are doomed to fail. And most sadly that in the midst of their failure they will pull those most dear to them down with them. That became the point where I had to separate myself. As deep and true as my love was, it would never be enough to overcome his fear. He had to learn to love himself first, before he could every truly learn to love anyone else. I hope one day he succeeds.
Anyway, back to God and His plan for my life. God, being God and unable to lie, can only speak what is and will be. Right? Before I go any further let me clarify that I have a deep unshakeable belief and faith in the Lord and my Savior, Jesus Christ. However there are still so many things that I still and may never understand about how and why He does some of the things He does. So if God speaks a Word into your life, then it's Word. True, solid and unshakeable. After all He said, "Let there be light", and there was. So if He says it then it is that it is that it is. Right?
Now say the Word God speaks concerns someone else, and that someone else decides that it's too hard to live the life he was called to live and takes an alternate path. One that has less risk of failure, or so he thinks, after all the failure to try something is failure in itself. So, the other half of your Word is out of the Word. Where does that leave you? Or should I say me? We are talking about me after all. (Stories just sound so much better about someone else) Does that mean God's word fell void? According to the Bible that's not possible. So, again, where does that leave me? Does God have an alternate Word for me?
I mean just in case the other party involved decided not to play along. If so that would mean the original Word wasn't going to work. Again, mistakes not possible from God. Right? So what do you do… look for a new dream, a new path, a new… what? I wish I knew. That's one part of my confusion. Probably a main part, but there are so many other levels and layers to it.
My dream, my ambition, my goal in life is to work with an organization like the UNHCR. Working in Africa, Asia or Southern America helping people and children. Educating people on basic healthcare, sanitation, farming, sharing God's love with people who have no hope beyond the next minute. I see myself in a small village, playing with the native children, helping a family build a safe home, building a school or medical center for a village.
I'd love to teach people how to use what they have available to live healthy, happy, successful lives; their way. Not ours. Seems like a pretty big dream. It seems like such a small thing to me, to use the gifts, skills and education God has blessed me with to help others. I don't have the right not to. My life has been so incredibly blessed. How could I not share that with people who have so little? Yet it seems an insurmountable goal.
What do I do to get where I want to be? How do I make the right connections to end up doing what I dream of doing? What if I get there and just can't handle it? What if I never get there at all? What if I spend the rest of my life alone, wondering how on earth to accomplish my dreams instead of getting out there and doing something, anything to bring me closer to them?
In addition to those dreams are the dreams of having a family. Being married to the man of my dreams, the man God chose for me, and having a beautiful child who holds my heart and soul in his or her tiny hand. Or maybe one day adopting a foreign child who would otherwise never have the kind of life available here, a child whom without me would end up dying as an infant from disease or starvation. With adoption, what if I never find that one perfect soul mate, could I do it on my own?
Do I sacrifice my dream of a probable low income but richly fulfilling life as a servant to others and work a day to day job that affords the income necessary to adopt or even support a natural born child of my own? Or do I forfeit my dreams of finding love and being a parent to devote myself to a life of service? Can I have both? Can I have either?
What if I'm too scared to try, what if I try and I fail? What if I try and succeed? What if? There's a song by DC Talk called "What if I Stumble" ..
The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."
Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord?
Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?
You can jumble them together, my conflict still remains
Holiness is calling, in the midst of courting fame
Cause I see the trust in their eyes
Though the sky is falling
They need Your love in their lives
Compromise is calling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I'm feeling
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble?
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
You're up against a wall, it's about to fall
Everyone's got to crawl when you know that
I hear You whispering my name [You say]
"My love for You will never change" [never change]
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl?
What if I stumble, and what if I fall?
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You never turn in the heat of it all
What if I stumble, what if I fall?
You are my comfort, and my God
Is this one for the people, is this one for the Lord?
Are my dreams mine?……… or His?
