So my sister says...

"If I have another baby are you going to love and spoil that one as much as you do Marley"?

This is a pic of me and my niece Marley from a few weeks ago. I moved across the country to be closer to her. She is my heart.

My sister has taught her to say "Cheese" when she's having her picture taken. The point of the whole say cheese thing is because your mouth forms somewhat of a smile saying the eeeese part. This works great if you're old enough to understand why you're saying it. Marley, only being 2yrs old, holds out the eeeeese part and you get pictures like the one above. Not that she isn't still cute as pie, but after about 3 seconds she just stands there looking really bored and then you miss getting pictures like these...

Who knew spaghetti could be so fun?

Her question got me thinking. If you're new to my blog then I'll recap some stuff I've shared previously, if you're not new sorry for the re-run I promise to make it short.

Last year I decided to get proactive in the direction my life was taking and created a 2yr plan for myself. One of the main line items on that plan was becoming a mother, either by natural birth or adoption. Natural birth requires well... a guy, or at least the use of a guy for an indeterminate length of time (until procreation is accomplished). There are no guys in my life. At least not any I'm confident enough in to be the sperm donor for a future child of mine.

Ideally I'd like to fall in love, get married and impregnated by the end of 2009. Ahhh the dreams of the delusional. But, barring a miracle on the off chance that doesn't happen, I've decided to try and adopt. Which brings me to the "got me thinking" I mentioned above.

I'd like to have a boy. I've always been more of a tomboy than a sissy girly girl. OK I've never even come sort of close to being a girly girl. I played sports the majority of my childhood and teenage years and was more interested in playing with bugs and climbing trees as a kid than dolls or dress up. I did have a Barbie head once, you know the kind that are just shoulders and a head. I loved cutting and styling hair. Which doesn't in any way make me a girly girl, some of the best hair stylists in the country are fe men ine. Yes I know it's spelled wrong. It was intentional.

I'd feel more comfortable and adequate teaching a boy about sports and cars and things little boys like than I would playing dolls and princess. Yes I know girls can like sports and cars too, but knowing my luck I'd end up having a girl who was only interested in wearing pink dresses and ... well I don't even know what else girly girls like. I don't even own a dress.

This may sound like an odd thing to consider as a preference for the gender of your child, but something else I don't want to do is have a girl and cause Marley to feel threatened or less important in my life. Granted my child will obviously be my first love and most important, but Marley will always be my heart and I'd rather just not give her or my child any cause to feel in competition with each other for my love and attention.

Maybe it's because I'm approaching middle age 32 and my sister was the better daughter once again had a baby before me that I've given all the love I've held inside for my own child for so long to Marley. Or maybe she's just one of the most beautiful, intelligent, lovable children I've ever had the joy and honor of knowing. Either way I couldn't love her more if she were my own child. I'm sure once I have my own I'll experience an entirely different deeper kind of love for him/her, but until then, Marley is the baby that gets it.

I had a point at the beginning of this, but I've gotten so sidetracked looking back at pictures of Marley over her short 2 years and marveling at how much she's grown that I'm a bit stumped as to where I was going with it. I think the main thing I was writing about is my questions and feelings about hopefully becoming a mother in the next year or two and my sister's question about a future 2nd child of her own.

I'll fully admit to spoiling Marley unmercifully. I don't mean that in a I let her get away with murder and act like a heathen kind of way. I mean that I use every chance and resource I have to enhance her life and further her knowledge in the things she's interested in. For example, she loves books. I buy her a book almost every time I go to the store. She's smart as can be and has an insatiable desire to know stuff. She's always asking,"What is that?". I buy her educational toys on a fairly regular basis. She grows like a weed, so if I see a cute little outfit and have the extra money, I get it.

So when or if my sister does have another child, will I have the time, energy and available emotion to love that niece or nephew as much as I love Marley? When I have my own child will the love and attention I give to her dim or lessen as I change my life to devote myself being a new mom? I hope not. I hope when these babies make their entrance, that God shows me the way to find some wellspring of love I never knew I had and that it will be more than enough for all the children in my life.

I hope they all feel equally love and important. I know how it is remember how it was to feel less lovable than someone else in a family.. and I hope to never ever be the cause of that feeling to a child in my life.