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Monday, August 18, 2008

To Bi or Not to Bi

The wonders of online dating continue!

For the first time in my life I find myself wishing I'd been more into dating when I was younger, because then I might have a clue as to how all this works.

Being 32 and having absolutely no idea what the dos and donts, the ins and outs, the ok topics and not ok topics of dating are really sucks.

Thankfully I have some really terrific pals who have been more than willing to offer their advise and encouragement when I stumble. And at the rate I'm going I'll be covered in bruises before the year is out!

My gal and One Date Wonder extraordinaire Jane previously mentioned a dating site or two that she'd had success on and suggested I sign up. One of those was So far the sites I've signed up (and left) are, eHarmony, and Yahoo Personals.

eHarmony was running this special where they "allowed" you to see your matches for Free. Well isn't that awfully generous of them. You can see who they match you up with but it does absolutely no good because you still have to pay (out the wahoo!) to respond or message any of them. The lovely "Christian" folk over at eHarmony very charitably ask you to fork over $59.95 for one month of their service. You can save a few bucks if you upgrade to a 3 month subscription - that's only $39.95 a month, all 3 months billed up front. I don't know about you but that's way hella more money than I care to shell out to possibly find a date. - I think their fee is $29.95 a month. Yahoo Personals is $24.99. When I first decided to get proactive about dating I did subscribe to one month on Yahoo. I didn't think the matches I made, or the kind fellas who contacted me were really what I was looking for so I cancelled after the one month. If a guy contacts me now I'm just hoping he's smart enough to figure out how to slip in his e-mail or yahoo messenger ID so I can respond.

Plenty of Fish, however is free, as is OKCupid. Now when I say free, I mean FREE. Not free to send a wink, or a nudge or a woo. Totally, completely free to message, email, "hit up" any guy or gal who strikes your fancy.

So I created a profile on OKCupid and text a guy friend of mine for his objective male opinion. You may remember him from a blog I posted a while back
"Watch the Braces". A few hours later I get this text back "Your profile - Out of Control!"

Ummm huh?

I called him up and asked him what he meant exactly by "out of control". Turns out it wasn't as bad as I thought but the main problem he saw is the one I want to address today.

On my profile I listed myself as bisexual. I'm really not big on labels and I hate that society feels the need for them, but I'm attracted to both men and women so technically that makes me bi.

A few years ago I would have said that had I met the right woman, had a mutual attraction, chemistry etc, I would have no objection to being in a relationship with a female. That, however is not where I am right now. I'm 32, I want to find love, get married and have children. It's not that I don't think you can have those things in a same sex relationship, it's just that long term, it's not what I want. But, with that being said I still am and always will be attracted to women.

I may not be looking for a girlfriend, but I didn't want to misrepresent myself and deny, or lie that I'm attracted to women as well as men, so when it came to the part where it asked for sexual orientation I chose Bi.

Apparently this is a big no-no. According to Squeakers the only guys who will be OK with dating "bi" women are guys who are looking for someone to hook up with rather than have a relationship with. I have to say that surprised me a bit.

I may not have a lot of girl/guy experience when it comes to dating and relationships but I've always had a lot of guy friends and other than my ex-fiance I can't think of one who would have had a problem with a girl being bi.

So I decided to get a 2nd opinion. Turns out I didn't have to look far.

A few days ago I got a message from a guy on Yahoo Personals. He was smart enough to slip in his messenger ID. =) For anonymity sake, we'll call him Eugene. Eugene and I have been chatting up a storm via text and messenger the last few days. He gives great conversation. He's kinda cute too. =) Anyway, during one of our chats, Eugene mentioned that the whole "bi thing" made him nervous. That statement, coming right on top of what my friend Squeakers said gave me pause.

I told Eugene what my friend had said - about the only guys wanting to "date" bi girls weren't really looking to date at all. Eugene whole heartily agreed. Curious about this I asked why.

Here is my interpretation of what I was told. Most guys don't mind the whole idea of "girl on girl" action. What they do mind is unfair competition. I think the general idea is that guys fear that a women, being one herself, would better know how to please another woman. Having been intimate with both. I can assure you, that is not always the case.

Moving on.

Then there is the whole fear of infidelity issue. It seems that the definition of cheating is a bit blurred when it comes to the issue of bisexuality. A woman who is in a relationship with a man, would be considered cheating were she to hook up with another man. However, and I'm only guessing here, that might not be the case in the woman's mind were she to hook up with another woman.

For me, cheating is cheating. If you are in a relationship with another person, male or female, same sex or opposite, then any "extracurricular" activity with any person other than your significant other is cheating. If you're a girl dating a guy and you kiss another guy or girl. Cheating. If you're a girl dating a girl and you kiss another guy or girl. Cheating. Same goes for the guys.

In a time where it's sadly common to see young women in a club all over each other, straight women at that, in an attempt to "turn on" a guy, it seems that the values, once a standard part of a relationship, are in a rapid decline.

After thinking about it I changed my sexuality from bi to straight. I guess in a way it's kind of true. Yes I am attracted to women, that will never change, but I just don't see myself in a relationship with one at this point in my life.

I once had a very intense emotional connection with a woman, and I thought myself possibly in love with her. When things ended it hurt almost as badly as breaking up with my ex-fiance had. So I've seen both sides of the relationship coin so to speak, and while I'll always be appreciative of a beautiful woman, what I want is a man. A boyfriend that will hopefully one day become a husband and father.

I am, however still curious about the whole dynamic of this subject so guys.. and gals, I'd like your opinions. What do you think?

If you're a guy - would you date a bi-woman? Why or why not?

If you're a bi-girl. Does making out with the opposite sex of the person you're in a relationship constitute cheating to you? Why or why not?

Click the little comment box at the end of this post and tell me your views

2 People who coughed on a furball:

Matt said...

I totally agree...

cheating is cheating, either way!

Mike said...

As long as you're going to be monogamous I don't care if your bi or not. I dated a bi once and it was funny to hear what she thought of other women.