Lights, Camera, Action!

Yes I know it's a song by Mr. Cheeks - a really hot one too, but that's not what I'm talking about.

The Editor and I started talking close to the same time I started talking to PT, maybe a week or two after. The Editor is - well exactly that lol - he edits the clips you see on the news for a local station here in Mobile.

When we first started chatting online he was sweet, somewhat reserved and always proper. He never made any untoward suggestions or crude comments about my looks, my boobs or sex like most of the other yahoos who message me do.

He, in fact, was so decorous that I began to wonder why he'd messaged me at all. He never gave any hint that he was 'interested' in going out with me. We talked for a good month before we got around to exchanging phone numbers and still no hint of anything other than a friendship.

A about a month ago - I was whining to The Editor about PT and mentioned that his dad had been a pastor at a church here before moving to Japan. Well after doing some connect the coincidences we realized that The Editor knows PT, PT's family and the little group of PT's friends that go to my church. They'd all gone to church together a few years back.

To say it felt a bit weird to find out that The Editor actually knew this guy I'd been talking about would be putting it mildly, but he took the new info in stride just as he'd done everything else we'd chatted about.

One afternoon he invited me to his work to give me a tour of the news studio -which by the way was really freaking cool - and the online friendship became real. We've gone to the movies a couple of times together and text and/or IM on a fairly regular basis. I visited his church one Sunday morning and a few Sunday mornings later he visited mine. I felt like myself around him and it was a good feeling. I've not had any really good guy friends since I met my ex-fiance 8yrs ago and was forced strongly encouraged to let the male friendships I had at the time go.

So when I found myself wondering 'hmm what would it be like to date' The Editor I felt conflicted. He wasn't my type, he's not at all unattractive but I didn't find myself physically attracted to him in the least. This conflict has warred on in my mind for the past couple of weeks and for the most part the "I don't 'like' him like that" argument won.

Then I sent the 'I would like to be friends, but if it doesn't work out I understand and will always be thankful I met you' email to PT. I finally came to a place where I knew that no matter how hard it would be or how much it would hurt I had to let whatever had and/or would happen between PT and I go. I had to say goodbye.

And once that happen the battle shifted. I found myself more and more wondering why I was wondering about The Editor in a more than friendly way, when I just knew that I wasn't 'into' him in that way.


Wednesday night - New Years Eve - I went to the movies to see Yes Man! with Jim Carey. If you've not seen this movie I highly highly HIGHLY recommend it.

The premise of the movie is about a guy who always says no. He'd been married and his wife left him and instead of processing the pain, dealing with it, letting it go and moving on, he wrapped it around himself and used it as a cocoon. When friends asked him out he'd say no, when co workers invited him to get togethers he'd say no, when anyone asked/invited/suggested that he do/go/see anything or anyone he'd say NO.

In the first fifteen minutes of the movie I realized I was watching my life unfold on the screen - and it was pathetic. It was sad, it was lonely, it was just plain miserable.

The thoughts the movie left me with combined with a conversation I had with a friend a couple of days later caused me to really question my thinking of late. This statement in particular really hit home.

Could it be that you've talked yourself into not being attracted to him because you're looking for the chemistry? and maybe if you were to relax a bit and just let whatever happen...maybe you'd end up finding yourself attracted him for other reasons than physical?

Well Friday night the battle in my head came to a crux and I had a revelation.

By holding on to my feelings for PT - even though I knew that they'd go no where - and by holding on to the hurt I felt from the way things had turned out between us I'd effectively wrapped myself in a blanket of protection. Protection from being available to pursue anything with another guy, protection from being able to be pursued by someone new, protection from being hurt again.

But what I realized this weekend is that protection was also acting as a barrier. A barrier from being wanted, from being cared for, from being loved.

So I messaged The Editor and said I wanted to talk to him about something. I told him how I'd been feeling, and that I was conflicted and I told him over and over again that I didn't 'like him' like that, but that for some reason I couldn't stop wondering what if. Like always he listened and when I was done he admitted that he'd had a feeling this conversation would be happening soon and that if I was willing to step outside of my comfort zone and let go of all of the preconceived notions I'd set up about what my 'type' was and how things were 'supposed' to be that he would like us to give seeing each other a try.

Of course self preservation (or flight mode) kicked in and I proceeded to come up with every excuse in the book why he shouldn't, wouldn't want to date me. I'm neurotic, I have self-esteem issues, I get clingy, I need constant reassurance and approval, I can be controlling, I'm this, I'm that, I'm.. you get the idea. For about ten minutes he let me rant and when I finally ran out of steam I admitted defeat.

"You're not going to let me do this are you?"
"You mean give me a bunch of excuses to change my mind about giving this a shot? No. No I'm not. I think you're worth it and I want to try"

He could have said he thought I hung the moon and it wouldn't have had the impact the 5 simple words he did say had.

"I think you're worth it"

It's had to believe someone else can see worth in you when you don't see it in yourself, but it's much harder to deny the fact that they do when it's so clearly spoken.

So yesterday we met for dinner during his 'lunch break' from work, and last night we talked on the phone until 3am this morning. Thursday he is picking up some Chinese and coming over and we're going to watch a movie. And we're going to give dating a try. We already have the foundation of a friendship, so there's not the dance of trying to get to know someone and impress them at the same time that you normally would deal with when dating someone. He knows I'm a basket case - and he's ok with it.

Will he stay ok with it? I can't say. But for the first time in my life I think it might be ok if he's not - because for first time in my life - I think I may be ready -and able- to climb out of the basket a little.

So here's to New Life Resolutions, here's to stepping out of the comfort zone, here's to taking a chance on letting someone take a chance on me, here's to saying YES - to life, to love, to ME.