I like to start my day with....

A little phone sex.

Not really, that's just how this morning happened to start off.

It's 6:10am and my cell phone rings. I put it on my desk, which is across the room from my bed, at night to charge. So I'd just hit the snooze button on my alarm and was right on the cusp of that deep, restorative sleep that you can only get in a 7 minute snooze and am jarred awake by Nocturnal, some kind of boogie ring tone on my phone.

I crawl out of bed, rubbing my eyes, and shuffle over to the desk, unplug it from the charger, flip it open, push a button and say

Hello?

Silence..

Hello??

Girls voice in the background: Oh, Oh, OH yea!

Umm Hello?

Like that oh baby, uh huh, mmm

HELLOOO!?!

Oh ahh yes, yes, yeasss

I hang up.

I'm trudging my way back to bed when it rings again.

Hello!

Guys redneck hillbilly draw: Uh Why'dja hang up for?

Who is this?

No reply

I'm more than a little peeved now. I was really really looking forward to 14 more minutes of snoozing.

Um hello, who is this?

I...I uhh I didn't call the wrong number did I?

Well I suppose that depends on who you were trying to call now doesn't it?

Nothing

Sooo.. who is this and who were you trying to call?

I guess if yore asking who I am then I probably got the wrong number... You didn't happen to uhh hear umm anythang.... didja?

You mean that BAD imitation of sex going on in the background? No I didn't hear that.

Aww man.. I'm so embarrassed.

Yea well it's 6 freaking am. Go be embarrassed with someone else.

Click.

Supporting your Presidential Candidate.. the delinquent way!

I don't usually write about political issues. I'm not a very politically minded person. I'll admit that I haven't really been following the presidential race.

Now before you go saying how unpatriotic I am, and how it's people like me who don't vote that allow the country to go to heck in a hand basket let me assure you, I DO vote.

I just wait until the final candidates have been selected then using the internet and other news sources, research their platforms and histories, and select a candidate based on who most closely fits my own personal views and whom I think is best suited to do the job.

If you're wondering why I've decided to write about politics now, keep reading.

A few weeks ago I was on my way to work and I saw this...

Someone had spray painted Obama's face on a utility box. Ok they painted a bunch of Obama faces on it. I'm not sure I can even begin to imagine where in the world you would get a stencil of a presidential candidates face. Any ideas?


Well a few weeks later, again as I'm on my way to work I see this...

Apparently the touch up artist is a McCain fan.

At first I thought it was a bit amusing. Haha funny, someone painted Obama's face on a utility box.

I only laughed for a minute. Then I go a bit angry, a bit concerned and a bit disgusted.

I'm all for showing your support. I'm all for expressing your opinions and letting the world know which candidate you feel is the right man for the job. But what kind of delinquent defaces city property to do so?

I mean it's one thing to stick a sign in some one's yard, or hang a banner or hell even kill a tree by putting a bajillion flyers on people's windshields in the Wal-mart parking lot. Ok I'm not cool with killing trees for the sake of passing out a piece of paper that will only go in the trash, but surely you can see where I'm going with this.

I mean are the imbeciles who thought it was OK to spray paint a city utility box the kind of people you want voting for President? Is someone with that kind of genius marketing ploy someone you trust to select the next leader of your country? My answer is not just no but hell no. This country is screwed up enough as it is without a bunch of derelicts picking it's next leader.

Now I know some of you will get testy with me for saying that, but it's true. If you look at how far we've NOT come in areas that we should be successful in then you can't help but admit I'm right. At least to some extent.

You can't look around at all of the people who are homeless, starving, without work, medical care, etc and not feel that in some way this country has failed them. You may say, well homeless people are homeless because they're lazy, or there are people on welfare with 8 kids and a Lincoln Navigator but I can barely get by with my 1 child and 1986 Buick. To that I would say you are absolutely completely without a doubt only Half right.

Yes there are many many people who abuse the system, just as there are many people who just don't want to work and better themselves, but I know personally from first hand experience that there are just as many who due to circumstances beyond their control simply find themselves in a bad situation. I also know that those very same people use the system for what it was originally intended, a hand UP, not a hand OUT. They use the help they can get until they get back on their feet, then go back to making their own way.

I know I've veered a bit off subject here, going from defacing city property to "show support" for the presidential candidate of your choice to my not so high personal opinion of how our country is run, but in a way I suppose they are related. It's the way the government has allowed or rather restricted positive growth in this nation that allows yahoos to think it's OK to spray paint Obama's face on a utility box.

I'm getting a bit riled thinking about this and I could go on and on and ON about my views on crooked politics, greedy corporations and gluttonous America but I'm pretty sure most of you would go find something more interesting to read. As the election date gets closer and I delve into my research to find which candidate I think is best I may post more about it, but until then. I just hope those idiots aren't registered to vote!

License to Dream a Little Dream about some Lost Boys

Unless you spent the latter part of the 80's in a box, under a rock, in Kazakhstan, you may pick up that the title of this post is a throw back to three very popular movies. Movies which starred two actors who were, during that time dreamily known to every girl between the age of 8 and 18 as "The Coreys".

The movies were License to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, and The Lost Boys.

The actors were Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.

Every girl had a favorite. I was madly in crush with Corey Haim.


Fast forward about 10 years, a few run-ins with the law, some pretty bad drug habits, significant weight gain/loss, a wedding on a surreality show and you land in 2008, where apparently the world finds itself incomplete without a regularly available dose of The Coreys. So in an effort to rectify our need, the producers of total and complete garbage Breaking Bonaduce, called up the boys, offered them jobs pitched them an unbelievably fantastic idea and viola! we find ourselves blessed with The Two Coreys.

If you've yet to be fortunate enough to hear about this marvel of cinematic genius, it airs on A&E, Sunday nights 10/9c.

As much as I should be embarrassed that I watch this, I'm not. I was a huge fan of all movies featuring The Coreys, Dream a Little Dream and The Lost Boys being my favorite. Although that may have more to do with thinking the chic, Meredith Salenger in Dream a Little Dream and Jason Patrick from The Lost Boys were both very very hot.

Anyway, we were talking about Haim and Feldman so let's get back to them shall we.

Both of the boys have had a rough time with childhood stardom. Corey Feldman, however, seems to have been able to shake off the bad habits a bit more successfully than his partner in movie mahem Corey Haim. He also has without out a doubt aged better. Which makes me a little bummed, because Haim was most definitely the cuter of the two.

Some comparisons...

Let's start with Feldman.

Then... and now...

Ok now let's see some Haim progression

Then... and now..








And together now, side by side!

I mean he's not completely unattractive.. I guess, but a hard life has not done him any favors in the looks department.

And if the "reality" of The Two Coreys is to be believed, it's done its fair share of damage in just about every other area of his life as well.

I was watching one of the new episodes weekend before last. It was Valentine's on the show (it seems I'm a bit behind) and Haim was having a hard time with being single on the holiday of love.

He's been seeing a therapist on the show and she tells him that he's self-sabotaging, only going out with gals who he knows will either let him down, or are only interested in him because he is used to be famous. She says he does this so he doesn't have to "show up" and "step into the fullness of who he can be". If it didn't sound like an exact diagnosis of why my own social life is in the crapper I'd say rubbish.

Anyway, while he's sitting there listening to this therapist tell him why he's basically a loser, he just looks so lost and forlorn that I find myself saying, to the TV, "I'll go out with you Corey!" " I'll give you a big hug and tell you that you're still worth something!"

Of course this is only a product of the wonder of "reality" TV drawing me in. In every episode I've seen, he's shown himself to be an irresponsible, crude, asshat who drinks excessively, suffers from projectile word vomit at the most innapropriate times and smokes like a chimney. In "real life" I wouldn't go out with him either. But I still feel for the super cute kid he once was.

Damn childhood stardom!

I like 'em PERKY!

No, I’m not talking about my boobs. There’s been nothing perky about them since I was about twelve.

I’m talking about company perks. You know little extras that businesses bestow upon their employees as a show of appreciation for a job well done. Or bribery, so you don’t quit.

I’ll start out by saying I have a pretty intense dislike for working in an office, more specifically, sitting behind a desk for eight hours a day five days a week. My very first “real” job after high school was as a patient registration clerk in the emergency room of a hospital. It was sort of an office environment but the constant inflowing of blood and guts kept things interesting. The ever present runny noses and projectile vomiting by people couldn’t ever seem to make it to the bathroom on time, I could have done without.

Anyway, back to perks. When I moved from Michigan back to the south I was working with an AmeriCorps program in MS. I was the administrative coordinator for a Katrina Rebuilding program. I worked in an office, but I wore Capri pants and flip flops to work and often got to go out to the work sites to deliver lunches to the crews or just see how progress was moving along. After that ended, it was a short term program, I moved to Mobile and signed up with another AmeriCorps program as an Emergency Responder. Unfortunately a pinched nerve in my back cut that short.

So after a year and a half of mostly casual outdoor jobs, it wasn’t with a great deal of enthusiasm that I accepted the position of Administrative assistant at the job where I currently work. I’ve been here since September of 2007 and unless Publishers Clearing House knocks on my door with a big fat check, I’ll probably be here for many years to come.

This is where we get to the perks. The company I work for is an Autodesk reseller. For those of you who have no idea who Autodesk is, (I didn't) they sell engineering software; programs that engineers, drafters and surveying companies use. It’s really expensive software. Apparently the profit the company I work for makes from selling this software enables them to offer their employees some pretty freaking fantastic perks.

I posted several months ago about the company Christmas trip to New Orleans. We stayed at the Harrah’s Hotel & Casino. The company paid for everything. If you lived close enough to drive they reimbursed your mileage. If you weren’t close enough they flew you there and back. They paid for the hotel and all our meals. The only thing you needed money for was if you went shopping or wanted to sight-see.

While the Christmas parties are a nice treat, the real perk is the company vacation they have every year. In 2006 they sent the entire company, every employee plus a guest to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. This is the hotel they stayed in.

We’re talking all expense paid vacation in a luxury resort. If it’s something you can do in the hotel it’s paid for. This year they went to Cancun. Here are some pictures from that trip.

You have to have been with the company for a year in order to go on the vacations. I'd only been here for about 6 months when they went this year so I couldn't go, but next year I'm all over it!

So what do you think? Would an all expense paid tropical vacation EVERY YEAR be enough for you to stick around at a job you weren't overly crazy about? Don't get me wrong now, it's not a bad job. I make decent money, have a very laid back boss and they're pretty flexible about needing time off for doctor's appointments or whatever. You get a pretty fat Christmas bonus too.

Oh, and did I mention that on your 3rd year anniversary they give you a Rolex?

Changes are a-comin'

A few things.

1. I've been a totally sucky blogger lately. I apologize. Pre-inputting the Mind Ripper story and being able to schedule the chapters to post has made me lazy. I was able to copy and paste 2 full weeks worth of blog posts in one day and sit back and let blogger take care of posting them for me each day.


2. I've been giving serious thought to giving away my remaining cat. I gave his brother away a few months ago because I really didn't have time to give 2 cats the attention they needed. I know most cats just sit on the back of the couch and stare at you, but the two I adopted almost 4 years ago are the most neediest, attention wanting cats I've ever come across in my life.

The one I kept is much more needy than his brother and I just felt guilty, like I was having to basically ignore one cat because the other needed so much attention, so I gave him away. The young lady I gave him too loved him on sight and he seemed to like her as well so I felt confident that he'd get all the love and attention he deserved.

So now I have one cat, and I don't know if it's just changes in my life, a mood malfunction or what, but I just really don't seem to have the time or energy to mess with him anymore. He's really the sweetest most loving cat I've ever seen but all I can feel is annoyed by his presence. He wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn EVERY single morning, sitting in my face meowing for his treat.

I made the mistake of getting them both on a routine when they were kittens and now I'm suffering for it. If I'm not up and moving by 6am he makes damn sure I'm aware of his dissatisfaction with the fact that I'm still in bed and he hasn't had his piece of cheese yet. I don't even pee first when I get up in the morning. I wake up, crawl out of bed and go straight to the kitchen to give him a piece of cheese. THEN I can take care of stuff I need to do.

I find myself being more angry at having a cat lately than peaceful. I've read that people who have cats tend to be more at peace and relaxed. That may have been the case once upon a time, but no longer, and it's not fair to the kitty. He's doing nothing different now than he has for the past 3 and a half years. He's a bit more vocal now that his brother is gone, but that's really the only thing that's changed. He's really low maintenance, other than the constant yelling meowing at me to pet him, pick him up, feed him, pay attention to him.


3. So if I do end up re-homing him then I'll no longer be the "Crazy Cat Lady". I may still be a little crazy, and unfortunately still a lady, but there will be no Cat in the equation. So.. I'll have to come up with a new blog name and theme. Right now I'm thinking..."F Dating, Guys are Pieces of Sh*t - My Journey to Becoming a Full Blown Lesbian!". If you're wondering where the hostility is coming from... continue reading.

4. Ok I know I said a few things, and technically a few is 3, but there's not really a word for 4 that works in the same context. I'm going to the store to pick up a quad things. Ya.. doesn't really work.

Anyway.. so I've mentioned a few times before that I've finally decided to step outside the isolation box I've been living in for the past four years, take a deep breath, hold my nose and jump off the deep end of sanity of single life into the pool of dating. I signed up on Yahoo Personals. I paid for a one month subscription so I could actually message people back who'd messaged me and after the lack of appealing responses cancelled before the 2nd months payment was due.

It's not that I didn't get responses, I did. I just didn't get any from anyone who fit any kind of idea I had about someone I'd be interested in going out with. The majority of guys who messaged me were ridiculously slightly older than the age range I'd specified. I'm 32, so I listed 27-37 as my preferences. I know that's only a 5 years span on either side, but I have very young parents. My mom just turned 50 and my dad is 46. Before you do the math and freak out he's my step-dad. He adopted me when I was 5, so for all intents and purposes he's my dad.

So the idea of dating someone who may have more in common with my parents than I do is just not an idea I'm gung-ho about, yet I can safely say that about 75% of the guys who messaged me were 42 or older. Much older. And the other guys who messaged me were either guys who smoked, drank or just really didn't appeal to me on a physical level. Think ZERO physical attraction.

I did end up chatting back and forth with 3 different guys for a bit.

One of them expressed in his profile that he's extremely shy and as a result has a hard time meeting people. Boy was he not kidding. I'm not adverse to being the facilitator in communication but when having a conversation becomes as fun and easy as pulling teeth, with pliers, and no anesthetic then I'm sorry but it just stops working for me. Conversation should be able to flow at least some what easily. Sure getting it started can take some work but it shouldn't be difficult to keep it going if there are mutual interests. So that kind of fizzled.

The 2nd guy seemed cool, not someone I'd really be interested in dating, but as I said I've been living in a self induced social coma for several years, so I thought if nothing else then he'd be a new friend and someone fun to hang out with. We text back and forth a few times a week and planned to meet one weekend when I was in town. He lived in MS, I live in AL, but to go MS a few times a month to visit family and he is planning to move to Mobile soon. Well something came up and I wasn't able to get out of town that weekend. We kept texting and finally weekend before last ended up meeting.

It was my sister's birthday and a bunch of family & friends and I were out clubbing it up. We'd gone to one bar, where a friend of my sister's from school was having a party. It was her birthday too. Then we went to the Hard Rock Casino and met my cousin, who's birthday was 2 days prior, at some bar/club called the Road House Live. There was a live cover band. Playing country music. It was torture. We'd toughed it out there for about an hour and had just decided we'd had enough and were trying to decide where to go next. Right about that time guy #2 calls and says he's at the same bar that we'd been to earlier. So we decide to go back there to finish off the night. He and his friend were leaving when we got there, the music was techno/rave, really LOUD techno/rave and they weren't big fans, but we got to meet and chat for a few before they headed out.

This past week I text him and asked what he was doing on Saturday. I wanted to go to Dauhpin Island and spend the day at the beach and wanted company. He has two little boys, ages 3 and 4 and I told him to bring them along and we'd make a day of it. He said cool, we set up the time and that was that.

Friday morning I get this text - "I got a f'ing DUI last night!" Keep in mind, I said this wasn't someone I was interested in dating, just being friends with. He smokes and drinks. Both are things that just aren't acceptable in a guy I'll be with. Occasional social drinking sure. A beer or two on the weekend I have no problem with. This guy gets trashed midweek. I won't date anyone who drinks to get drunk. I don't drink, have never been drunk and just really don't see the point in it. In my personal opinion it's stupid. A waste of money, a killer on your body and an embarrassment to you the next morning and any one who had the misfortune to be around you the night before. Now take how much I'm against drinking to get drunk and multiply it times 34230809 and you'll come close to how I feel about people who Drink and DRIVE.

If you want to put your own life at risk knock yourself out. But when you get behind the wheel of a car and are intoxicated. You're risking the life of everyone else who is on the road. Not cool, Not OK, NOT Acceptable. I didn't give him a hard time about the DUI, but I wasn't sympathetic either. Needless to say he didn't make it to the beach with me and we haven't text each other since.

The 3rd guy was older than the range I was looking for, 42, but seemed like a really nice guy and looked young. He also resembled my ex-fiance which I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about. We talked back in forth in e-mail for a bit, then moved on to messenger and I finally agreed to meet him for lunch. Today. I talked to him yesterday morning briefly and everything was on schedule. I was meeting him at Red Lobster at noon.

I fully expected him to sign on messenger this morning, to say hey, make sure plans were still a-go. He didn't. So I called him at 11am to make sure we were still on. He didn't answer. Now I've been known to over analyze things before. My brain is set up permanent over-drive and it takes nothing at all to send it into a frenzy concocting the worst possible scenarios for any and everything. While I'm sitting at work, watching the clock I begin to assume the worst. He didn't sign on, he didn't answer his phone, that bastard is going to stand me up.

Now this was to have been the first date I'd been on in almost 9 years. I've only been on a total of I think 3 dates in my entire life. As I said before, my ex-fiance and I didn't date. We talked online, met one weekend and moved in together the next. We were together for 3 years, there was no dating.

So I decide that before I drive to the restaurant, sit there and look like an idiot when no one shows up, I'll call to see if he's there. I'd already called his cell earlier and got no answer and I'm only about a 7-10 minute drive from where we were meeting so even if I didn't leave until 11:55, I'd only be a few minutes late. I call and ask if they're really busy. I'm told no, there are only a few people in the restaurant, so I give the bar tender the guy's description and ask if he sees anyone who looks like him there. No ma'am.

That was at 11:45.

I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's still early, maybe he's not there yet. So I call back at 12:10, talk to a different person, give them the description, ask them to see if anyone matches. No ma'am, there's no one here that looks like that. Look, it's not like the guy would blend in in a crowd. He's 6'1, 250lbs, bald head with a goatee. He definitely would be easy to spot in a mostly empty restaurant. I've been stood up.

Well I guess I can't technically say I was stood up since I didn't go either but you know what I mean.

Well 1:15pm rolls around and mister no-show signs on messenger. "I called your phone earlier. You didn't answer". "Are you sure you dialed right?", he says, "I don't have any missed calls". I give him the number, knowing I didn't miss dial and he confirms. "Hmm" he says, "I think I'm going to change carriers."

WTF EVER

I tell him I called the restaurant twice to see if he was there. They had 3 different people look and no one saw anyone that matched his description. He says he was there, even goes so far as to say he thinks he'll have to call the restaurant and complain. I told him to go ahead and knock himself out, but not to do it on my account.

If there wasn't already his age and his resemblance to my ex that were making me iffy about going out with him then this would have been enough to clue me in it wasn't in the cards. I told him that I thought he seemed like a nice guy, and that I wish him the best but that I wouldn't be calling again. He said he understood, but just wanted me to know that he did show up.

Maybe he did, maybe he didn't, only God knows now for sure. But the whole thing just rubbed me wrong. I finally get to the point where I'm brave enough to step outside of the damage my previous relationship left to try and meet someone and I get nada.

Maybe I'm giving up too soon, maybe I never really even started trying, who knows. I mean it's not like I've literally lived in a box for the past 4 years. Sure I didn't go out much in a social aspect, but I still got out and about in places where I'm seen. Do guys not pick chics up at the grocery store, or the gym anymore?

Why can't I meet a nice guy at the library? I tell you, that would have to be my dream way to meet a guy. I'm browsing the supernatural romance section for the latest Laurel K Hamilton novel and look over and there is this super hot guy in sci-fi checking me out.

"You like fantasy?" he asks.

I smile and reply, "I have a thing for sex and vampires".

He comes over, grabs me around the waist, nibbles my neck and we live happily every after.

A girl can dream... can't she?

See there was the bear, who had a beer and got a burr

Yesteray I was catching up on some blogs I stalk read and came across something so funny it was all I could do not to pee my pants laughing. While I managed not to wet myself I did unfortunately spit water all over my desk and everything on it!

So take that as a warning - no eating or drinking before you read what's to come.

Oh! and go potty first!



Anyway, Crystal over at Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper was having a contest. She found this news clip and the contest was to see who could best translate what someone being interviewed was saying.

Sounds easy enough right?

As you'll see in a minute, the clip was pretty funny. Sad, because of the incident that happened, but you'd have to be dead not to find some humor in interview portion of the clip.

However, it wasn't the clip that had me hosing down my computer screen with water. It was the translations in the comments section.

So watch the clip. Wait for the 2nd person being interviewed. The first person is a pastor, the 2nd is a lady. Do your best to translate. Then read some of the comments. I've posted some of the funniest ones, but you can go here to read them all.

The Video

Here are some of the translations.

Anonymous said...
Wow. Let me see. I think Hot Rod was killed, according to Witness #2 because he wanted a beer, they didn't have a beer but they wanted a beer so they were waiting around for a beer. Maybe they took his beer then shot him (which was too much for Witness #2 to "ber" and she started crying). Of course, it could all have something to do with a grizzly or those sticky things off the bushes.

Also possibly in there - "the mailman gave him a dollar."? Do mail carriers deliver beer in Memphis? No wonder Elvis liked it there so much.

Better luck to others. I don't think I speak south.

~Em



Middle-Aged-woman said...
Translation:

The first gentleman may or may not have had an aperitif. The second gentleman requested that the first gentleman share said quaffable, but the first gentleman denied existence of any frosty beverages. Whereupon, gentleman number two pulled out his mighty weapon ('Scuse me while I whip this out...) and shot the selfish bastard.

I have never heard the word 'beer' pronounced in quite that way before. Makes me want to visit Memphis.


Anonymous said...
dead guy had a burr and other dude wanted it...

maybe a burro?

is that street for a burrito?


Hottdog said...
BEER
she wanted a BEER
she drank a BEER
then he drank a BEER
then the kids drank a BEER
then they took a bath in the BEER
then they went to church and thanked God for all the BEER.
the end
oh and then there was a shooting over the BEER


warcrygirl said...
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You took my ber, prepare to die."

Sorry, I was too busy looking at her bad wig and wondering if she remembered where she left her teeth.



Nina said...
I think a bear killed him.



Wifey said...
It was all over a burr.

Do they HAVE to find the one person that makes the entire state look like they married their brother?



Justin said...
She said," I wish that alcohol didn't incite violence in people. It would be a better world if we could all just get along. It breaks my heart to see two gentlemen quarrel over a beverage."



SoMo said...
Man, those Memphis streets are rough. At least down here in New Orleans we don't shoot over a ber, because we have fountains of it everywhere. If you are going to get shot in New Orleans, it is going to be because you didn't share none of yer burl crawfish or crack. It depends on the neighborhood.


Anonymous said...
You see what had happened was there was these two mens ova anden they was arguin bout tha berra but you see berra is code for crack so then (witness # 2's) pimp came ova and gave a dolla for the berra (crack)and then the fight broke out and someone done died.


Hottdog said...
She reminded me of that scene in Finding Nemo when they were in the EAC about to take their exit to Sydney.
"It's like he's trying to speak to me-I just know it. You know you're very cute, but can you say the first thing again?"
And I'm sure we all agree, the lady with the berr was very cute.
lol

(p.s. this is my second comment *wink* I couldn't help it!)



Lilacspecs said...
Ahem....here is the actual transcription (I'm a yankke, bear with me)
Dey was aruin oer a bur. Dey was up air han a bur en ay din ha no bur. En ay wan a bur were han rahne get a bur. De mayman came up en I done ey were aruin oer a bur. They prah took his bur n then shot him.

And my translation (I'm learning Dutch people, this was child's play)

They were arguing over a beer. They were over there and they wanted a beer but didn't have a beer. And they wanted a a beer and were hanging around to get a beer. The mailman came up and I said they were arguing over a beer. then they probably took his beer and shot him.

Anyway, the poor lady was obviously upset and I hope she's okay. But damn, there was NO ONE else around to interview?? What about the mailman for frig's sake!



Michelle Smiles said...
I agree she was pointing out the argument over them wanting beer and not having beer...but I think she then went on to discuss the sad state of dental care in Memphis.



Mom O'Teens said...
I think...

...the bear went over the mountain. You know, to see what he could see. But then, some drunk foo' shot him.

After the mailman paid him to do it.


Angie said...
99 bottles of bur on the wall...


Anonymous said...
Is she cold? She keeps saying Burr!!


Matthew & Amelie said...
Here's what went down (in English):

Assailant: I see you have a beer. I'd like to have a beer.

Victim: You're mistaken, I have no beer.

Assailant: But, I just saw it.

Crazy woman: Sir, that is my beer, delivered to me by the US Postal service. You cannot have that beer. Excuse me, I have an errand to run.

Victim: See, this isn't my beer, so I cannot share it.

Assailant: Bitch, give me that beer. *BANG* Thank you, this is cold and delicious.

Crazy woman: This is all very sad. That was my beer... And the mail doesn't come again until tomorrow. Alas!


Anonymous said...
I belive that she said, "If I had more teeth, I could clearly enunciate to you exactly what happened here today. Since I do not, I will babble nonsense words at your for a while so that you will put me on TV and people who DO have teeth can laugh."



Brina said...
Ohmigawd, I am coming to Nashville at the end of the month. Is THIS what I have to look forward to?!?

Funny thing is I understood her. But that's because I lived in San Francisco for 4 years near the Tenderloin District, making me fluent in crack-ho. Clearly, he dun got killt cuz a da burr. It's a shame. Many people meet their demise behind a bad burr deal.


Edie said...
I believe this murder was committed over a burro, AKA -- a donkey. These two men were hanging around waiting for a burro to show up you see, and finally one did. It was only a matter of time. The first man was like, "That's my burro!" and the second man was like, "HELLS NO! That's MY burro!" and then the first man shot the second man and took off with the burro.

Um. Class, can we say: CRACK HO?!?



Ang said...
~wiping eyes so I can see what the flip I'm typing~

LMFAO! I lost my gum across the desk at the Princess Bride "...prepare to die" comment. Good thing because I'd have surely choked on it with all the snorts and spurts following. oh man!

Just for the heck of it:
Witness #2
Susan Toothless Jones
"Dey's agu'in ova b'er.
Dey's up deyr had a b'er, but dey di ha no b'er
...oh...(reporter kicking her own ass for finding this gem to interview)
n dey..n dey wan'd a b'er
n dey wer hangin' around to get a beer cos-
da mailman gave em a dolla, I's just gonna-
dey-
agu'n ove b'er
dey prob took 'is b'er n dey jus shot 'im"

Sorry Hot Rod's wife and family...said he was a nice guy.

Pastor says the area is in decline...
You fuckin' think??!?



Anonymous said...
I think it was about a bear. A cute, little, brown stuffed bear. One guy had it, the other guys wanted it. The mailman felt bad and gave one of the guys a dolly (I picture a freckle faced, curly hair dolly that giggles) and that was not good enough so he shot the man to take his (teddy) bear. Could you keep me posted if the bear turns up? Seems like it, and the dolly, could use a good home.
Kels


Mathair Mayi said...
The whole sorted mess was over a bureau.

I'm uncertain if it was a Davenport antique or tobacco and firearms. Could be Labor & Industry or census.

Definately a bureau though.

Personally I think the only one worth shooting over is a Chippendale.

**shrug**



George said...
Citizens, you are all wrong. It is a "bear" which is in question. Clearly the circus was in town. The bear was driving an Electra 225 past the scene when libations were requested. It went downhill from there.


Mike D. said...
If you slow it down and play it backwards, here is what she is saying (in a British accent): There were 2 blokes up in the alley way see? Anyways the one fella says to the other, hey old chap, I see you have some Olde English, my I haven't tasted a drop since I left the old island years ago, mind if I have a sniffer? The other bloke says no, I worked hard all day to buy this fine malt beverage and I deserve the fruit of me spoils. The next thing you know the first bloke challenges the second bloke to a duel, only the second bloke doesn't have a revolver and it ends incredulously as the first bloke did not observe the Duke of Canterbury rules of dueling. In the meantime our fine postal carrier presented me with an Elvis Presley stamp, which I believe, is now worth a dollar. Sorry to ramble on so, and where are my manners. Would you fancy a cup o' tea?!?!


Dedicated_Dad said...
Forsooth, it would appear that these gentlemen engaged in a disagreement over the ownership of a malt beverage.

At first, they were getting along swimmingly, as there was plenty of said beverage to go around.

Alas, the demand exceeded the supply and these gentlemen were eventually rendered beverage-less.

They then, after due consideration, decided to undertake a pilgrimage, for the purpose of obtaining a fresh supply, however they were at first unable to do so.

After a suitable period of loitering, it would appear that the Postman was kind enough to furnish the gentlemen with funds sufficient to obtain a portion of said golden nectar. This was when things took a tragic turn.

For alas, the second gentleman, him wishing to slake his prodigious thirst, conspired to seize the elixir for his own, to which the first bloke objected.

Eventually, as is so often the case, violence ensued, as the gentleman fired his arquebus at the brigand in order to dissuade him from continuing his attempts to obtain said frosty beverage.

It is of course also possible that the evil knave first robbed the gentleman of his delicious brew, and after obtaining that which he sought, still proceeded to fire his arquebus and felled the poor gentleman unnecessarily. One cannot be sure.

It is certain however that I cannot cope with the sadness, as it's giving me the vapors.

There are so many more HILARIOUS translations but I'll be here for days if I try to post them all. You can go here to read more!

And now for... The Rest of the Story

Yesterday's post was the last of the Mind Ripper Story. At least the last of what I'd written about. I wrote that last part in June of 2001.

In July of 2001 I moved back to Michigan. Prior to breaking up we had agreed that he'd go back to Michigan, find a job, get a place and I'd follow him once my lease was up in the apartment where I was living. I'd already given notice at my job and turned in notice to the apartment that I was moving before he met someone and decided he didn't love me anymore.

Not one to let a silly thing like a new girlfriend stand in the way of what I believed was fate, I moved anyway.

We did end up back together. He asked me to marry him again and I didn't say yes so much as I just didn't say no. I remember when he took me back to his mom's to tell her he'd proposed (again) that I had this feeling like, am I really doing this? She smiled and said all the appropriate comments. "You must really love her son, you keep going back to her". Psh

He moved in with me. And that was the beginning of the end. The real end.

One night in April 2003 my phone rang. It was about 1:30 in the morning. I'm in bed sleeping, he's in the computer room online - chatting. I go in and ask him who the hell is calling my house at 2am and he says "It's this girl, I gave her your number".

I'm sorry.. you what?

He explained that he had told her to call and had invited her to come hang out. At my house.

Again.. I'm sorry.. you WHAT?!?

He tried to play it off like, "what? We can't have new friends? She's just coming over to hang out with us".

Us huh? I'd been asleep when the phone rang and was pretty damn sure I wasn't interested in "hanging out" with anyone at that particular hour, much less some Internet chic.

I turned around, walked to my room, pulled all of his clothes out of the closet, walked back down the hallway and dumped them on the floor in front of the computer room door.

I said, "Take your sh*t and get the F&#K out of my house. I'm DONE!"

If I hadn't been so pissed at him giving some chic off the Internet MY number and having her call MY house at 2 in the morning I would have been amused at how he tried to back pedal his way out of what he'd done.

There had been so many times we'd broken up that I'd taken him back. So many times he'd lied, cheated, and abused me that I forgave him. For some reason that night was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I was done.

Done giving everything I had to someone who didn't appreciate it. Done loving him so much it hurt. Done letting him belittle me and abuse me into losing every bit of self esteem I'd once had. Done hoping beyond all hope that "one day he'll change" and things will work out.

It was like something clicked in my head and I'd finally had enough. He called several times in the following months. Saying how sorry he was, how he loved and missed me, how he realized what a good thing we had, etc and so on. I'd always taken him back before so I don't think he really thought I was serious this time.

He was wrong.

And once he saw that I wasn't backing down the calls became more frantic. I told him I was happy to be his friend, we could hang out and still do stuff together but as far as being with him in a relationship.. it wasn't going to happen. Ever again.

He got mad, saying he didn't want to just be my friend, that if he couldn't have me the way he wanted he wasn't able to talk to me at all. It was just too hard. And even though this tiny tiny part of my heart wished with every thing I had that he meant it I knew in my head that he was full of it. He'd had 3 years of someone bending over backward for him, going out of their way to do everything they could to make him happy and his life easy and now that was gone.

Every so often he'd call to ask me to come hang out. Sometimes I would. We'd rent movies and lay in bed watching them, and for a few hours I felt whole again. I let my wishful thinking get the best of me once and in September of 2003 we slept together. It was then that I realized he was right. We wouldn't ever be able to be "just friends".

Last I heard he married a 19yr old girl he'd been dating off and on for about 3 years and they moved to Kentucky to live with his parents. They recently had a baby. Although I hear through the grape vine it's not his. He's still the same kid in a man's body he's always been. Not working, no apparent concept of what responsibility, love and relationships really mean.

I feel sorry for the girl. She's so young and fell for his lines just like all the others. But it's not my problem anymore.

Posting this story has been somewhat cathartic for me. Reading back over the past 8 years of my life, seeing where I've been, what I've been through and how far I've come leaves me with mixed emotions.

I'm sad, for the love lost, angry for the things I allowed myself to go through, thankful for the lessons I've learned and will therefore hopefully never repeat, and nervous, anxious and apprehensive of what's to come.

One of the bloggers I follow One Date Wonder is also on Twitter and she twitted this the other day "At what point does a girl just pack it in and admit there really isn't anyone out there for her? Happiness is an impossible goal"

I replied "Hopefully never! Or else I may as well give up now."

She answered back "Don't you ever think it might be easier just to give up? Hope just hurts."

All the time girlfriend... all the time.

I Want (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

Roses are red, violets are blue, life is a joke but what can you do.
Give your love, you think it’s returned, open your heart only to get burned.
Center your world around that “special” one
In the blink of an eye they’re out having fun…

With someone else.

You’re left with nothing, no reason to live.
You gave them your soul and what did they give?
13 months of undying love and complete devotion,
Then he tramples your heart leaving you void of emotion.

Life sucks and so do you. I’m sick of feeling so blue.
Where is God’s mercy and why can’t He see,
That without you, there is only half of me.
I want my baby boy back in my arms.
I want him holding me safe from all harm.

I want that special name he called only me.
I was his Brutiful baby girl you see.
I want to sit on the beach with my love
and watch fireworks in the sky above.

Just like we did the year before.
I want his love now more than ever before.
But no he’s got this other chic now,
I hope she’s an ugly stupid cow.

I hope she breaks his heart into millions of tiny shards,
And scatters them over hundreds of yards.
So he knows how I feel broken and torn,
unable to feel love, only scorn.

I want him back and I want him back NOW!
Live without him? I just don’t know how.
I don’t want to learn to be on my own.
I don’t want to hear his voice on the phone.

I want him with me where he belongs.
I want to dance to our favorite songs.
I want him to love me like he did before,
before I let him walk out of the door.

I want him to know I’m so very sorry.
I never meant to cause him to hurt or to worry.
I promise if he would just give me a chance,
I’d do everything to bring back our romance.

Even with the Spirit and the love of the Lord,
I’d still give anything to hear those three words.
From my love, my life, my soul and my heart,
I’m begging you please give us a new start.

No problems, only solutions was what he always said.
Such belief in his love he put in my head.
Once he told me after a fight,
no matter what’s wrong, he can make it right.

We’ll just keep on beginning again,
to us there will never be an end.
But he lied and he went away and now I am left,
never in my life have I felt so bereft.

Please give me another try, Please tell me it wasn’t a lie….
When you said you loved me

Written 6/26/2001

The Spirit - an epilogue to the Mind Ripper Story

Sitting in the pew listening to the talk
Trying hard to find the nerve to get up and take that walk
If you want to go, I'll walk with you says my friend to me
Such a short walk, but seems so long it's worth it to be free

The first step is the hardest they get easier as I go
Just a few more steps to take to find relief I know
What's wrong dear child the pastor says as he takes my hand
I'm tired and sad and oh so weary I seek the promise land

What is your name he asks Mollie, I reply
Everyone pray for Mollie he says May the Lord give her wings with which to fly
A crowd gathers round me and many hands are laid
Free her from life's prison Lord so many people prayed

The tingles started in my fingers and went down to my toes
Then came the healing of the Lord like I'd seen on the TV shows
Jolts of electricity surging through my being
If I weren’t experiencing it myself I wouldn't believe what I was seeing

Shock after shock washed over me heat surged through my earthly shell
The Lord was working on my soul oh yes He was working well!
Unable to stand or even speak they guided me to the floor
And all the pain and weariness I'd felt just burst out my hearts closed door

Trembling lips muttering words I did not know
A perfect prayer to The Holy Ghost as pure as freshly fallen snow
How long I lay there I do not know I tried to rise time and time again
But the Lord was not yet done with me just lie still said my friend

When the Spirit was finally done cleansing my heart and soul
For the first time in a long time I felt complete and whole
When I thought I couldn't go on and would die from a broken heart
Was when the Lord stepped in and took over and gave me a new start.

To God be the Glory for He is truly divine
And in your darkest hour He's your best friend and mine.
Each Day is a Gift from God. That's why they call it "The Present"

Reminders of You (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

Showered , dressed and out the door to start another day,
Determined not to admit things have changed in any way
It’s been almost two hours since I forced myself out of bed.
I can do this, I tell myself, keeping thoughts of you from my head.

So far so good, I’m driving down the road,
Then our song comes on the radio and the memories explode.
Amazed is the song the radio plays, we used to sing it to each other.
Held tightly in your arms dancing. You swore you’d never love another.

Little things here and there, things we did together,
Taking in an evening movie in the rainy weather.
Every song the radio plays seems to be about you players,
haters and heartache creators.

It’s all I can do just to remember to breath
The road before me blurs as the tears begin to fall,
How could you do this to me, did you ever love me at all?

Everywhere I turn I see constant reminders.
I just can’t believe that all this time I’ve been wearing blinders.
You cried one night when we made love, you asked me to be your wife
We’ve had so many wonderful times, overcome so much turmoil and strife.
…………………………………………………………………………………………

You know what, I’m just way to pissed and irritated right now to finish this poem. Maybe it’s better to feel anger than hurt, but the hurt always comes back stronger and more painful than before. Every where I look something reminds me of him, of us, of our love and our life together. He called me his Brutiful Baby Girl, his Brat, his best friend. He was my Beautimus baby boy, my sunshine and my angel. I prayed for God to send me love and now it’s being taken away. Is it because he (my love) is trying to make his own path? Is he straying away from the one God has for us? How can someone be in love with someone one day then not want to be with them the next? Does anyone have any idea how much this pisses me off?? I want to scream and shout and cry and rage out against the pain he’s causing me, while he’s going along with his life like nothing is wrong.

It's going to be one of those days...

The internet was out in my office when I came in this morning...

I was posting a survey on MySpace with a question that asked what was I currently listening to.

I answered...

My nails typing on the keys. Our internet is down so I can't listen to music online.


I was ON THE INTERNET when I was doing the survey...





Sheesh it's going to be a longgggggg day!

Go Joe!

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Denial (a part of the Mind Ripper Story)

I woke up this morning disoriented, confused and out of sorts.
Something wasn’t as it should be, the puzzle was missing some parts.
Dazed and sleepy eyed, I struggled to awake.
Trapped in slumber by a bad dream I couldn’t seem to shake.

As I wiped the sleep from my eyes the truth came flooding in.
On my bedside table sat your picture, God I love that sexy grin.
Memories came crashing back of the events of yesterday.
I didn’t dream it after all, you had taken your love away.

We’d had fights before and said things we didn’t mean.
He doesn’t really mean it, inside my head I screamed.
Like all the other broken fences, surely this one will mend.
I can make it through this day. Before we break we bend.

With this thought in my head and hope clutched in my heart.
I sat up, go out of bed and willed the day to start.

Mind Ripper - Chapter 13 The End

Mind Ripper has been an adventure that I hope you all have enjoyed reading.
I am unbelievably sad to say that as of yesterday, the story has come to an end.


He met this lady, less than a week ago; he says he likes her a lot
The love he felt for me all this time, he says now he does not
I still love you he says, but no longer in love am I
I'm bored with all this he says; I want to give something new a try

He's 21; she's 29 nearly a decade older than he
What in the world could she possibly have for him to choose her over me?
13 months of trials and triumphs and just last week I love you's were exchanged
How could his feeling for me in less than a week have changed?

He was my sunshine my angel sent from God above
I prayed and prayed for the right one, the one meant for my love
Could God be so cruel so cold and vicious
To answer my prayers then take away my wishes

I prayed for our love, and was given a peace of heart, of soul and of mind
This peace was given to me by my Lord have I really been so blind?
I just can't imagine a God so mean to give me a peace about our relationship
And then to take it away and leave my heart shredded in strips

So I ask all of you for your prayers that our love be mended once again
For there is power in prayer and I truly believe we are meant to be
Together, forever
Amen

Mind Ripper - Chapter 12

Once again we packed up our things and started out anew
With no plan that we could see or idea what we would do
Back to the Mississippi we went, back to where I called home
Hoping that after this journey, we no more would roam

In less than one year’s time we had lived in 4 different places
Different homes, different jobs, different friends and faces
His parents had a little apartment that no one was living in
So we decided that this was where we would once again begin

A former chicken coup turned into housing was what we arrived at
Crawling with bugs and spiders, who me, live in that?
My father lived not far, a 45-minute drive away
While I was more than welcome, my love could not stay

So we parted ways for the first time since the day we met
With plans for weekends together, surely no reason to fret
Our plans didn't work out as hoped and visits became sparse
What had once been a dream come true was quickly becoming a farce

A phone call here, a visit there and many tears in between
This turn in our relationship could not have been foreseen
In an effort to establish a concrete base I got an apartment with my sister
The reaction I got from my love for this, was more ravaging a twister

He felt like I was moving on and leaving him behind
Did he not know my love for him, how could he be so blind
I was trying to make a home for us, a place to call our own
However this was not to be, for my sister was casting stones

As families are want to do when a loved one is thought to be in danger
My sister had taken a dislike to my love, and toward him felt great anger
With great aplomb and ado she made her claim cloud and clear
"This is my apartment too and he is not staying here!"

Faster and bigger they came at us, one roadblock after another
Had the stars lied, been mistaken, were we not meant to be with each other?
We’d been together eight months, seen more trials than most in as many years
We’d laughed and loved, we'd hated and screamed and shed oh so many tears

What was to become of us, of my love, and me, were we to prove everyone right?
Could I possibly imagine my life alone, without him holding me through out the night?

I could not

Giving "Aunt Flo" a whole new kind of specialness...

Unless you've been living in a cave or under a rock you've heard about stem cell research. You may not know much about it, what it's for, what it does, etc., but you've heard the phrase.

Here is a bit of basic information about stem cells:

*Stem cells have the remarkable potential to develop into many different cell types in the body. Serving as a sort of repair system for the body, they can theoretically divide without limit to replenish other cells as long as the person or animal is still alive. When a stem cell divides, each new cell has the potential to either remain a stem cell or become another type of cell with a more specialized function, such as a muscle cell, a red blood cell, or a brain cell.

You may also wonder - Why is stem cell research so important?

*Stem cells have potential in many different areas of health and medical research. To start with, studying stem cells will help us to understand how they transform into the dazzling array of specialized cells that make us what we are. Some of the most serious medical conditions, such as cancer and birth defects, are due to problems that occur somewhere in this process. A better understanding of normal cell development will allow us to understand and perhaps correct the errors that cause these medical conditions.

*Another potential application of stem cells is making cells and tissues for medical therapies. Today, donated organs and tissues are often used to replace those that are diseased or destroyed. Unfortunately, the number of people needing a transplant far exceeds the number of organs available for transplantation. Pluripotent stem cells offer the possibility of a renewable source of replacement cells and tissues to treat a myriad of diseases, conditions, and disabilities including Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, spinal cord injury, stroke, burns, heart disease, diabetes, osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.

*Information provided by The National Institutes for Health resource for stem cell research

There have been numerous news stories about the moral controversy concerning embryonic stem cell research. Catholic Bishops are condemning it, the late Christopher and Dana Reeve's foundation endorses and promotes it. Is it good, is it bad, more harm than help etc and so on.

Well C'elle may have come up with an alternative that, and while isn't uh exactly neat, it may be a way for women at least to have more control over their lives and the future of their health. Imagine that monthly visit from Aunt Rose finally being good for something other than bloating, fatigue and back aches!

Below is press release from PRNewswire.

Taking Control: Future Therapies for a Host of Serious Diseases May Be Found in Women's Menstrual Blood

July 07, 2008: 01:28 PM EST


OLDSMAR, Fla., July 7 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- With today’s hectic lifestyle, where most women are juggling careers, family, relationships, and a host of activities, the idea of possibly facing a serious illness in the future is not something that readily comes to mind -- especially when a woman is in the prime of her life. But what most women don’t know, is that the key to treating a number of possibly life-threatening diseases that she, a parent, a sibling or even her children may face in later years, such as osteoporosis, heart disease, stroke, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s disease, may be found within her own body -- in vital stem cells, which can now be harvested from her own menstrual blood.

Now, thanks to the revolutionary research and technology of C’elle, a service dedicated to providing women with a safe and easy method of collecting and preserving stem cells found in her menstrual fluid each month, even the busiest woman can take control of her future, right in the privacy of her own home. With C’elle’s non-invasive collection process, menstrual cells are processed and cryo-preserved (stored at a very low temperature) for potential cellular therapies that may be used in the future. These self-renewing cells one day may even be used for sports medicine or cosmeceutical treatments, such as anti-aging therapies.

"C’elle enables and empowers a woman to take control of her future health, and possibly of those genetically closest to her, in a fast, painless and stress free way," said Michelle Kay, Marketing and Sales Manager for C’elle. "We live in exciting times, as science and technology are discovering how extremely valuable menstrual blood stem cells really are, and the enormous treatment potential they represent for future therapies. C’elle’s ongoing research is supporting these promising findings."

For more information about this process and to read Celle Client Testimonial visit their website at http://www.celle.com/ or call 1-877-892-3553.

I'm a blog thief - yes I know it

I was catching up on some blog reading today - I've been slacking something terrible. Anyhoo I came across this post from Mindy Does Minneapolis that had me falling out of my chair at work laughing. So I thought I'd share =)



I may have mentioned that I've gotten into doing hot yoga. Well, somehow I roped Paco into doing it with me. Hot yoga, I mean (get your minds out of the gutter). He wrote a guest post about it. Check it out:
-----------------------

2:30 pm – I receive a message from Mindy: “Any interest in some hot yoga tonight?”

2:32 pm – I Google “hot yoga” and browse through the search results. I conclude that Mindy is either (a) inviting me to a Bikram yoga class where the room is heated to 105 degrees with 40% humidity or (b) really kinky.

2:33 pm – I reply back – “sure, sounds relaxing” – without really knowing what I’m agreeing to. By noting that I associate “yoga” with “relaxation,” I hope to come across as an Alpha Male who thinks that anything other that bench-pressing slabs of cement is a relaxation session, as opposed to a work out.


2:34 pm – Regret sets in.


6:14 pm – I show up at the studio and am greeted by a friendly receptionist. Actually, I’m greeted by a receptionist who looks friendly. While entering my registration information, any perceived friendliness melts away. The following dialogue takes place:


Receptionist: What level are you: beginner, intermediate, or advanced?
Me: Is there a category below beginner?
Receptionist: Do you at least know how to downward dog?
Me: I’m sorry, what’d you call me?
6:18 pm – Mindy and I find a “premium” space on the floor to lay our mats down: second row from the front, dead center. Mindy justifies the “premium” adjective by telling me, “Now you’ll be able to look around the class and easily observe what you’re supposed to be doing.”

6:20 pm – I begin to sweat. Profusely. Further regret sets in.

6:22 pm – Our instructor enters the studio and says the following: “Tonight’s class is going to be full, so we need everyone to move their mats up and in. There only needs to be three inches between you and your neighbor.”

6:24 pm – I glance around the room and size up my competition. There’s about a four-to-one girl to guy ratio. I can do this, I think to myself, I am a MAN. I then notice the girl directly in front of me bend at the waist and rest her head on the back of her knees. Umm…all right, then. It’s settled. I’m officially about to get worked.

6:26 pm – My claustrophobic tendencies activate. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that when I lay down there will be eight people within a half-a-foot of me.

6:28 pm – I massage the back of my neck and am aware that it’s already covered with a sheen of sweat. I’m also aware that class hasn’t started yet.

6:30 pm – Our instructor re-enters the room and introduces herself as “Kitty.” Naturally I wonder if she’s also a stripper.

6:31 pm – Kitty informs us that our goal for today’s class is “to move oxygenated blood to every part of our body.” Internally I commit to a more modest goal: survival.

6:34 pm – I finish off my bottle of Ice Mountain water. I had hoped that my water supply would last me an hour. Turns out I came up short by fifty-six minutes. Oops.

6:35 pm – I’m pleasantly surprised by my ability to keep up with all of the intricate stretches and poses.

6:36 pm – Kitty – aka Queen Dream Crusher – slaps me back into reality. “Now that we’re loosened up, let’s begin class.”

6:38 pm – While performing my first downward dog, I glance up and notice that the girl in front of me’s badonkadonk is approximately eight inches from my face. Given the fact that I haven’t yet even offered to buy her a drink, this seems like a serious breach of her privacy. I quickly close my eyes.

6:39 pm – As soon as I open my eyes back up, I’m blinded by the salty sweat that had trickled down my eyelids while I was trying to be respectful. I vow not to close my eyes again – even if it means feeling like a Peeping Tom.

6:42 pm – I squint at myself in the mirror and notice that my cotton light-gray tank top has turned the color of wet charcoal. Upon further inspection, I also notice that my tank top has somehow also turned into a youth size medium sports bra.


6:46 pm – Kitty directs us into a pose that requires you to balance on your right foot while simultaneously extending your left foot towards the ceiling. I’m about halfway through the move when my right foot slips on the standing pool of sweat that has formed on my mat and sends me stumbling toward Ms. Badonkadonk’s crotch, which now looks like an open scissors standing on one of its blades. By the grace of Bikram Choudhury himself, I somehow manage to regain my balance before initiating a “reverse baby delivery.”

6:51 pm – I’m cognizant of the fact that I’m sweating more than I’ve ever sweat in my entire life. Imagine sitting in a sauna wearing thermal socks, snowpants, and a North Face parka. Under a spotlight. With a blow dryer in your face. Now times that by infinity.

6:59 pm – As we near the halfway point, Kitty blesses us with this pearl: “Relax your knees; let them drop through the floor.” It takes all of my willpower not to mutter back: “Hey Kit Kat, what should we do if we CAN’T FEEL OUR F’ING LEGS?”

7:02 pm – We’re in the middle of about eight consecutive “rotations” that all end in a downward dog, so every thirty seconds or so I find myself in a close enough proximity to compare notes with Ms. Badonkadonk’s gynecologist. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing what appears to be the lower half of a wet suit. At one point I think I actually catch a glimpse of one of her ovaries. Hmmm…is this why Mindy described this as a “premium” spot?

7:04 pm – Kitty is relentless. She next instructs us to: “Place your palms and forearms flat on the mat, bend your elbows, and lift your torso and legs up into the air into a tripod position.” Why stop there? Why not also direct us to do a handstand using only our left pinky?

7:08 pm – If only I had enough energy left to speak, I would be able to offer the guy directly behind me $20 for the rest of his bottle of Evian.

7:11 pm – “All right, class, now it’s time for some ab work. Let’s begin with our extended bicycle kicks.” Trust me, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang, that if I could extend and kick anything right now, it’d be you.

7:13 pm – Lying on my back, I’ve just been encouraged to put my hands under my hips and extend my feet into the air. Miraculously, my body responds and my legs shoot up like a stalk of bamboo. My initial joy lasts for three or four seconds, which is when the sweat starts pouring down from my kneecaps and landing on my face. It takes me a while to decide if being showered by my own patella sweat is gross or refreshing. I ultimately settle on gross.

7:18 pm – In the history of poor casting decisions, the decision to name our instructor “Kitty” has to go down as the greatest misnomer of all time. Kitty!?!?! No, I don’t think so. Try Wolverine. Or Saddam.

7:25 pm – Oh, to have the strength to speak! I could then proclaim my willingness to give one of my neighbors $50 for a sip of water. For a bottle of Gatorade, you could take your pick of my internal organs.

7:26 pm – Darkness. Literally and figuratively. Kitty lowers the lights to “help with the unwinding process” and I pass out to help with my dehydration.

7:31 pm – I awake to the voice of Mindy asking me what I thought of hot yoga. “Not bad,” I lie. “Not much of a work out, but it’s always good to get in some light stretching.”

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Mind Ripper - Chapter 11

With my heart in shreds and a bruise on my cheek
I tried to make it through out the week
We didn’t talk, we didn’t touch
We didn’t laugh, we didn’t love

This lasted for what seemed like forever
I just knew we’d always be together
First he lost his job, and then I lost mine
Yet on the outside everything looked just fine

While I was dying a slow agonizing death in my heart
He was wishing for another new start
When I didn’t think I could take anymore
He came knocking on my hearts door

He said he loved me and he was sorry
He didn’t mean to hurt me or make me worry
He wished he could take it all away, the hate and hurtful things
And especially the slap, I still could feel its sting

I love him more than my life, but how could I be sure
That this event would not repeat itself, that his love for me was pure
So much hurt, so many questions could I forgive and forget
We’d caused each other so much pain, there was that and yet

When I looked in my heart, I saw the truth, and what was meant to be
I was the one meant for him, and he was meant for me
So once again we mended our love so many times torn and broken
We would move on and try again, it was so, our hearts had spoken

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Mind Ripper - Chapter 10

Now would be the time for the happy ending
The happy ever after we should be spending
But believe it or not after all we’d been through
The tragedies to come were something completely new

In a four-bedroom house we lived with a family of four
His sister, her three children but wait there is more
To add to that was a live in brother
I soon found out was worse than my mother

To put seven people in one house
Was like before a cat dangling a mouse
Trouble was sure to make itself known
The face of uncontrollable rage, I’d soon be shown

To have been reared in the south was to be taught manners and respect
These were things people in the north simply didn’t get
Children ages 10 through 14 smoking and cussing
With no regard to their mother’s fussing

To put a southern girl in this environment
Was like putting an egg in a square hole, it simply didn’t fit.
Strain and feeling out of place quickly took its toll
The tattle tale, "bitcher", I was given this role

And to escape his family’s wrath,
Constant absence became my love’s path
Out all night every night, hanging with his boys
Leaving me dangling like some old broken toys

In a vicious pattern we became engaged
And more and more were we both enraged
Me mad at him for leaving me alone,
Him mad at hearing my bitches and moans

The word hate was thrown around
The love we once had was no where to be found
It finally came to a horrible halt,
with each saying it was the others fault

We got in a fight, once and again,
and then he did it, he raised his hand
And hit me hard across my face,
my brain zoned into outer space

As blood trickled from my ear,
down my cheek ran a tear
For I knew that this was the end,
I could never feel the same again

I now feared that which once I loved more than my own life
No longer would come the day that I would be called wife
I screamed my hate and anger and disbelief
No words could fully describe my grief

It’s over he yelled, I’m done with you
Drop dead I screamed, it’s over we’re through
And I closed my eyes and then cried
Feeling inside like I had just died.

Mind Ripper - Chapter 9

With the weight of loss on my heart and his absence on my mind
The happiness I once had felt was now hard to find
Into a deep depression I soon quickly fell
Life without my love was simply living hell

The days they went by in a haze
My heart had become numb and dazed
Each night I’d wait for his call to come
And each night I’d wish that he was home

How much more of his absence could I take
Before my will to live did break
For he had become my reason for life
My cure for daily sorrows and strife

And now when I needed him most of all
I could only have him in a phone call
Finally the day came for my love to return to me
His beautiful face I could not wait to see

They sent him home on a greyhound bus,
Is it just me or do bus stations seem the life of us
I sat awaiting his arrival
His return was necessary for my survival

To try and explain the unadulterated joy when his face I saw at last
To know that all the pain I faced alone would now come to pass
With tears in our eyes we walked toward each other
Knowing we would never feel this love for another

In his arms he wrapped me, safe and warm
All was right my love had come home