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Look Who Stopped By

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Genetically speaking..

She shares the blood of a woman she's been around her entire life, and the blood of a man she's seen maybe 5 times. Yet it's his blood that seems to be a stronger influence in who she was as a child, who she is and who she's becoming.

The woman started out as a strong confident individual, then fell victim to circumstance. Divorce, drugs, abuse.. they weakened her and she no longer feels that she's worthy.. of love, of life, of success. She's what most call middle age now and her children are doing better than she is. Dead end job in a bar filled with smoke that's killing her. Losing her inner confidence left her prey to the lure of drugs that are not so slowly ruining her life. Hanging on to men who treat her like nothing, and running off those that would truly care. She'd do anything for anyone if she could, and sometimes does.. even when she can't. In her own strange way, family means everything to her.

The man started out as.. well I don't know him, but from what I've heard a strong, confident, cocky young man. Determined to make something of himself and any cost. In the 70's he lived the lavish life. Typical club scene, free flowing with drugs, booze and women. Only he was the club owner, and he was the one pushing the drugs, booze and women.. all for the almighty dollar. He later married and had a new family.. that didn't last either, the marriage anyway, but he's still in those children's lives. At least until they see him for the twisted liar he still is, then who knows. His parents have passed and what family he has doesn't care much for him. What belongings of his parents he didn't sell off to the highest bidder, he's left for ruin. He couldn't even be bothered to tell their oldest grandchild that they'd died. She made it to her grandma's funeral though.. an aunt read about the funeral in the paper.. two hours before it started.

Where the woman was capable of empathy and truly interested in the lives of those closest to her, the man seemed only interested in those who could bring him gain. The man is the type to meet, assess and discard someone all with equal and swift efficiency if it wouldn't benefit him to know them. The woman is the type who truly seems to be grateful for those who help her, returns the favor when she can and welcomes the opportunity to meet a new friend.

The story varies depending on who tells it and it's a he said she said thing. He says he wanted his little girl, and tried to be a part of her life. She says he didn't care and probably had several other seeds floating around. They both agree they were only "f" buddies at the time. Isn't that how every child hopes to find out they were conceived. Later the little girl would find out that the woman had kept in contact with the man all through her childhood, but never told her. She would have liked to have known that.

The little girl... well she's a woman now. At least on the outside. She often wonders if there was a mix up at the hospital and she's really someone else's child. If it weren't for the fact that she looks so much like both of them she'd be sure of it. She's so much like neither of them, and so much like both of them that she sometimes has trouble figuring out who she is at all. She loves with an intensity that borders on obsession, yet she feels disinterest with just as much intensity. For her it's all or nothing, for everything. Right, or wrong, black or white, yes or no. She knows no grey area, is in fact quite possibly unable to see in shades of grey.

She's been often described as unyielding, determined, opinionated, selfish and cold, yet there are others who would say she's loving, compassionate, outgoing, giving and an inspiration and joy to know. She's all of those things, and none of them, all at the same time. But how.

She can she love someone she's never met, a child in a far away place. She hurts for their need, cries in her soul at their neglect. Yet she feels a complete detachment from those closest to her, close at least by blood. She tries to love them, but lack of respect for their way of life make it difficult. She knows she should think of them first, should care for their needs more, should... so many things that she just doesn't feel. It's not that she doesn't want to, it's just not there. How hard it is that she was raised to be honest and would rather just accept the truth for what it is than live a lie with false emotion.. but the truth of this matter is not quite well received and those around her would rather be lied to.

She often dreams of a different life, where she was more like those who should be closest to her... or that maybe they were more like her. Sometimes she pretends that she's accepted the cards that life has dealt her.. and that she's OK with feeling different and alone. Sometimes she even believes it...

Sometimes...







1 People who coughed on a furball:

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I love you.

And you're going to be such a great mom someday because of the things you've gone through.