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Friday, May 16, 2008

Rain rain go away...

Come again... like next week or something.

Today is kind of a blah day. Not for any particular reason other than the weather outside is horrid. Bleak gray skies, cold damp air and rain, lots and lots of rain. So just blah.

Yesterday was a big day for me. I posted a blog that was shorter than hmm 15 paragraphs lol. What can I say I have a thing for words. I can't guarantee you'll be so lucky today.

So.. This past Saturday night I watched PS I Love You then spent all day Sunday in a funk. Wednesday night my cousin and I watched Juno and the funk returned. I don't know what it is about single chics and sappy movies but I'm over it.

I know the movie is about high school kids, but at the end.. they looked so in love I was all but biting a hole in my cheek to keep the tears in. My cousin (who shall from here on out be referred to as K) wasn't so lucky. I look over and she's got tears streaming down her cheeks, sucking up snot like a busted Kirby. Hot huh?

After the movie we get to talking about dating and I mentioned how much I hated being single. It's been 4 years since I've been in a relationship. Granted it's mostly my own fault, what can I say I'm antisocial, but that doesn't make being lonely suck any less.

So K says to me, "Well I asked you to go to the bar with me a couple of weeks ago and you didn't want to, you can't say you're tired of being single if you don't try to meet people."

Ok one, it was on a week night and I get up at 6am. I try to be in bed by 10pm at the latest. That doesn't always happen but I try. Going out during the week after I've been at work all day and am tired and just want to relax will pretty much guarantee I'm not in the most sociable mood possible. Two, I don't drink or smoke - both of which are abundant in a bar. I'd rather not date someone who drank regularly and will not date someone who smokes at all. That kind of rules out about oh I don't know probably 95% of the guys I'd meet in a bar atmosphere so what's the point.

However, I will concede that she has a point. I have basically secluded myself since separating from my ex-fiance in 2004. My 3yr relationship with him was the first (and thanks to previously mentioned seclusion only) relationship I've ever had. There was a lot of physical, mental and emotional damage done during those 3 years and to be honest it's only recently that I've begun to feel that I've recovered enough to even think about opening myself up to some one again.

"What about online dating sites?" she asks. It wasn't on a dating site, but I did meet my ex-fiance online... (I'm some what embarrassed to say) in a chat room. The thing with online dating sites is you have to pay to use them. The idea of paying to find a date just sounds horribly desperate to me. I may be lonely, but desperate I'm not. When I first became single a lady I worked with in Michigan paid for a 3 month stint on eHarmony for me as a birthday present. Yes it was a slightly expensive present, but she was a really sweet woman and it was her idea. She said "Pick the site and I'll pay for it". So I did.

I'm a Christian and consider myself a bit of an old fashioned gal when it comes to morals, no kissing on the first date for me, and thought eHarmony might present the best options. Psh and double Psh. I'm not naive or vain. I know I'm a big girl and I know the way things work. Most good looking fit guys like good looking fit girls. I do OK on the good looking part I suppose but as for fit.. well I'm healthy in more ways than one.

Look, I'm going to be really blunt and honest here. Physical attraction is important to me. If I don't look at a guy or girl and think, dang they're hot, or handsome or sexy or something then I'm not going to waste my time or theirs. I was in love with someone for 3 years that I wasn't physically attracted to and every time I looked at him I wished I was. It taught me that as much as I'd like to believe it was - "who they are inside" isn't really all that matters.

The thing about eHarmony is that they match you up based on a personality profile they determine by having you answer 23423 questions about yourself. I didn't find one single person they matched me with attractive. A guy friend of mine told me once "Mollie, you have to go out with people you're not attracted to so you can meet their friends and their friends friends, and maybe one of them will be someone you like. That's how the whole dating thing works". Well that may be how the whole "dating thing" works, but it's not how I work. To me, that's using someone, going out with them with an ulterior motive. They're into you and want to get to know you and you're hoping they have a hot friend. Not cool.

But Mollie, you say.. who says you have to be "into" them, maybe you'll just end up being really good friends. This is going to sound pretty cold, but I don't need or really want new friends enough to go out on a bunch of bogus dates just to fine one. Plus you have the whole stigma of he liked me but I didn't like him awkwardness to deal with. It's just not worth it.

So after 3 months and no prospects in sight I sort of said screw it.
A few months ago I got back in touch with an old guy friend I hadn't talked to since 2000. This seems to be my year for catching up with old friends. Anyway he was my uhh first and we've gotten pretty close again and talk on the phone often. Laughing and flirting with him reminded me how much fun it is to feel attractive, to feel like someone is interested in you. Why don't I go out with him you ask? Well that's a long complicated story that I'd really rather not share. The point is I think I'm ready to get out there. Where ever the heck "out there" is.

So I did it, I sucked it up (my pride) and posted a profile on yahoo personals.. and I paid for one month. I know I said paying to find a date sounded desperate to me but I've decided to revamp my perspective. I prefer to think of it as an alternate way for less than socially efficient people to meet other not so socially adept people. I don't do the in person small talk thing well, but I can type up a storm. You wouldn't have imagined you say? I know. I'm just full of surprises.

I've been a paying member for a whole day now and the last I checked 20 guys had viewed my profile. 20 guys who are so far either not attractive (to me at least) or old enough to have went to school with my parents.

Another big problem I have with online dating (or dating in general) is age, or rather the age of guys who seem to be interested in me. I'm 32, my dad is 46, my mom is 50. Yes you did the math right, he's my step-dad, but he's been my dad since I was 4. If you could have possibly been in high school at the same time as either of my parents that completely rules you out. I don't care who you are or what you say, age is NOT just a number. I'd sooner convert to Catholicism and join a convent than date a guy who has more things in common with my dad than with me. I don't know what the deal is but I always attract older guys. I may be a bit on the anal-retentive side but I'm young at heart. I am. Really. I mean it. You can stop laughing now. Thanks.

Maybe I'm too picky (comments from the peanut gallery not needed). Maybe I'm too mean (you can comment on that one, I know I can be a bish). Maybe I had my one chance at true love with my ex-fiance and passed it up. Maybe I should have stuck around a little longer and eventually he'd have figured out how to be faithful and not abusive. Who knows.

So I've taken a step, I've gotten proactive, I've, omg I've joined an online dating site am I Crazy?!? Probably, but what the hell you only live once right? And it's only for a month. I've already set up a reminder in my phone calendar to beep at me in time to cancel before the next payment goes through. I'd rather use the money to treat myself to dinner and a movie than pay more than one month to try and find a date. Although... as I was typing that this little voice in my head says.."Mollie.. there is no price too high for true love".

Excuse me while I go silence that voice. You may want to turn your head, it could get messy.

0 People who coughed on a furball: