Support & Appreciation

Previous Musings

Look Who Stopped By

Thursday, May 22, 2008

On a serious note..

I was sitting at my desk this morning wondering what I would write about today. I've been a bit under the weather the last few days and my muse seems to be on vacation.

As I'm half heartedly paying attention to my work, wishing I were home in my comfy bed with the covers pulled over my head my sister texts me and the words she sent make me ashamed that I feel that I have any reason to be anything other than happy and thankful I woke up with breath in my body this morning.

I debated writing about this and almost decided not to out of respect for the privacy of the family but I decided that it's something that needs to be talked about.

Before I begin I'd like to ask you to keep those mentioned below in your prayers. There will be no names written, but God knows who they are so if you would please, just ask Him to be with them and allow them to feel He is by their side.

One of my cousins was found this morning by the cleaning crew in a hotel. She had tried to commit suicide by slitting her throat. Praise God she is alive and in stable condition. She is the mother of 4 little boys and has been suffering from postpartum depression apparently since the birth of her youngest. She was on her 3rd anti-depressant and had yet to find one that helped her.

As long as I can remember she has always been a very serious but happy person. As a young child (I believe she's now in her late 20's) she was very smart and conscientious of others, always kind and thoughtful. Never in a million years someone you would imagine trying to take their own life.

I can only imagine the pain and confusion her husband, parents, siblings and other close family must be going through trying to wonder how she got to such a dark place. I'm not sure how old her children are. I know two were at school and the two youngest she'd dropped off with a neighbor, but if any of them are old enough to understand and be told what happened how must they feel? How can they wrap their tiny innocent minds around the idea that their mommy wanted to leave them. Will they ever be able to know that it was not something they did nor was it because they were unloved.

Brooke Shields wrote a book after suffering severe postpartum depression called
Down Came the Rain. She talks about how she had moments driving down the street with her child in the back and just wanted to drive her car straight into a brick wall, knowing that it would kill both her and her child.

It makes me wonder. Did my cousin think of hurting her children and have enough control to remove herself from them? Did she think that maybe they'd just be better off without her? Did she feel that there was really no help for her and the only option she had was to leave this world and everyone she loved behind?

As someone who's contemplated and survived more than one failed suicide attempt I can relate to some of those feelings. I know how it is to feel that everything in your life is beyond your control. I know how it is to feel that no one would miss you if you were gone and I know how deep that hurt is. What I can't imagine is feeling those things so badly that leaving my children behind is not just an option but the only option. I would give anything to be able to be a mother for just a moment so I can't imagine anything being so overwhelming that I'd even think about giving that gift up.

The fact that she was on her 3rd anti-depressant and had obviously found no help makes me angry. It makes me angry that her physicians either didn't know enough or care enough to make sure something worked to help her. It also makes me wonder if there is really enough information available about this disease, if there has been enough research done, enough attention brought to the subject, enough support being raised so that finding out exactly what causes it and finding a better way not only to treat, but prevent it is in the foreseeable future.

I mean you know something needs to be done with commercials for depression medication state that the drug may cause thoughts of suicide. Because being depressed alone isn't enough. No we need to take something that may make it worse. WTF.

I apologize if I seem to be making light of this. I assure you I'm not. I know sarcasm is not appropriate but sometimes it seems to be the only way to mentally process things that just seem incomprehensible. I'm not very close to my cousin and haven't seen her in several years, but I guess it just hits home a bit harder when it's someone you know and as becoming a mother is something that I am very hopeful is in my near future it's just damn scary.

I ask again that you please keep my cousin and her family in your prayers. God doesn't need to hear their names, He knows who they are.

Thank you.

0 People who coughed on a furball: