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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Roommates and boiling bunnies

If you've ever seen fatal attraction then you get the boiling bunnies reference. I'm about to talk about a crazy woman.

Only this is not a sad story of a love affair gone wrong. There is absolutely no love lost (or ever had) in this story.

A couple of months ago I wrote about getting a
new roommate. She seemed pretty cool at first. A little hyper but nothing overly strange. I didn't even worry much about the fact that she was supposedly engaged to a guy she hadn't seen in 3 years (had gotten engaged via a phone conversation somewhere during the 3yr time span) and for some reason neglected to tell her parents about it. Hey relationships can be tricky, who am I to judge, so I just thought hmm strange but ok.

That lasted all of about 3 weeks. Or until her truck was finally shipped from Portland, OR and she wasn't depending on me for a ride to and from work anymore. In hindsight I should have let her crazy ass take the bus.

She turned out to be a total slob and a nut job. I'm a neat freak. You can come in my house on any given day at any time of day and it will look the same. Everything neat and orderly and in it's proper place. The only difference you may notice is the amount of cat hair on everything. I sweep 2-3 times a week and dust just as often but short of shaving the cat bald there's only so much I can do.

I've never in my life met an adult who simply did not know how to properly wash dishes. Now I'm not being picky when I say that. I'm not talking about a certain technique, or dish liquid to use. I'm talking about Getting Them Clean. I have a dishwasher but I don't use it. I really don't see the point in wasting water and electricity to wash a bowl and a spoon.

I'm one person, I only use one dish at a time and I wash it as soon as I'm done. Even with two people it would take a week to use up enough dishes to fill a dishwasher enough to warrant running it. I don't even have that many dishes. So after a few times of asking her nicely to please wash my dishes by hand if she uses them, I don't have that many and I'd end up with nothing to eat on or with if I threw everything in the dishwasher every time I used it, she started washing mine by hand and putting her one plate and one piece of silverware in the dishwasher.

I ended up re-washing every single thing she used. There was not one single time that I'd come behind her and pull a plate, or bowl or cup out of the dish drainer and not find food still on it. Obvious food, not like a little speck on the rim or something. It was like she just rinsed them off and that was that.

The funny thing is in her response to the ad for a roommate I placed on Craigslist she said.. "my only pet peeve is that I can't stand dirty dishes left in the sink!". Well I guess if you throw them in the dishwasher because you don't know how to freaking wash them you don't have that problem!

It wasn't just the dishes either. This chic BLEW UP my toilet.. and didn't clean it. There is a toilet brush in a handy little decorative stand behind the toilet, but she apparently wasn't able to manage cleaning up after that mess she left either. If there is one thing that grosses me out it's a nasty toilet. We're talking explosive projectile butt vomit all the way up to the rim. AND SHE LEFT IT LIKE THAT!!

I held out for a whole 3 days hoping beyond all hope that she'd clean up after herself but nope, didn't happen. So I finally donned a mask and armed with bleach and a brush brought my potty back to shiny clean whiteness.

I wish I could say her room was ever any better but no. We got in a huge fight a few weeks before she moved out because I found out that she'd been leaving her bedroom windows all the way open. All day and All night. With the air running, with no one home. My cousin and I were sitting in the living room one evening and Renee wasn't home and we kept seeing bugs flying around everywhere.

Now if it's a nice day out I'll crack the windows until early evening then when the inside light starts drawing in flying creatures I shut them. Well I'd shut the windows several hours earlier yet the bugs still buzzed around and we couldn't figure out where the heck they were coming from so I finally peeked in her room to see and sure enough, bugs flying everywhere, windows wide open. I don't exactly live in the ghetto but just a block up isn't exactly the nicest area and there is always a lot of foot traffic on my street. She may as well have put a big welcome in sign out by the road with an arrow pointing to the big air conditioner units that were directly under her windows. "Here step on up, what's mine and hers is yours, help yourself!"

Well I went in to close the windows and stepped over.. hell I don't even know what all I stepped over. I was afraid to pay too close attention. There were half empty and empty pop bottles on the floor, in the closet, food and snack bags and wrappers strewn everywhere, it was disgusting. Mixed in all of that half eaten food were Tupperware containers (of mine!) with leftovers and silverware just laying on clothes, the floor, any empty and not so empty space there was.

Anyway, so we get in a screaming match over that. She refused to close the windows (it was 80 degrees inside!) and said I could just turn the air off. Psh.. Picture me snapping and rolling my neck. Ya it was like that.

So the nut job finally moves out and refuses to return the key to my apartment. She also takes of all things.. my hangers and my one and only steak knife. I have ONE knife, that's it and the hooch takes it. What kind of freak takes someones silverware.

So I call her like 5 times, leaving voice mails because she won't answer and I text her. No reply, no key, no return of my belongings so I go to her office. She works in marketing at the University of Southern Alabama calling alumni to try and get them to buy season passes to the ballgames. She's a glorified ticket agent. I find her office, there is no one there so I leave a note on her desk. I touch nothing but a pen, the notepad is already sitting right on top of her desk. It says simply: "You need to return my key now".

This was last week. She called me a few days later saying she threw away my key, which I completely do NOT believe since I've come home from work on at least 3 occasions since she moved out to find my front door unlocked, bolt and doorknob. She left it unlocked the day she moved out too. Again with the welcome come steal stuff that isn't mine sign. She calls me, spews out I don't have your key or stuff leave me alone like some auctioneer on speed and hangs up on me. I call her back and leave one last voicemail. Renee, you have my stuff, you need to return it or I'm taking you to court.

So Friday at work these two guys come in my office in uniform. I'm like hmm ok maybe they are lost. There are several businesses in the building I work in. Turns out they are campus security and she's filed a complaint saying I'm harassing her and went through her desk. This psycho takes MY key to MY apartment, takes MY stuff, leaves MY door open so anyone can come in and has the nerve to say I'm harassing her?!?!?

The campus cops were really nice, apologized for having to bother me, they thought it was bogus but she complained so they had to follow procedure. The advised me to change the locks on my apartment then sue her crazy ass. They made sure to suggest that I include the cost of changing the locks in with my suit.

Oh and get this.. this is the best part. When she moved in she didn't start her job until in the middle of the week. She was short on money from having to ship her stuff to Alabama from Oregon and airfare. I'm really a nice person so I told her I'd give her until her first check to pay the deposit on the room. She lived with me two months. I never got one penny of that deposit and she left the room trashed. Dirt and food and just nasty everywhere. My cousin, who moved into the room spent a good hour scrubbing the walls, doors (there was pop or something spilled all down the door)and the floors. She had to scrub down the window seals and we swept and mopped twice. The room just stunk.

So I'm going to have my first experience with civil court. I'm not a sue happy kind of person. I'm much more likely to say oh well, cut my losses and move on, but this chic rubbed me the wrong way. Not only is she a nut, took my stuff, still has access to my apartment and stiffed me on money, but she tried to make herself look the victim in all of it. So wish me luck. I'll keep you updated on the progress and if you know any tips on dealing with a crazy ex-roommate let me know!!

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