Dear blessed miracle...

I thought of you yesterday.. as I do every day.

I wondered who you were, what you looked like, where you would come from, when would we get to meet. If we would get to meet.

I wondered if you'll be close to your cousin Marley, if she'll love you and smile when she sees you. I know you'll love her.. she's an incredible little girl.

Your grandma suffered from diarrhea of the mouth on Sunday. She made, what she thought was a funny comment using the words "f'in Mexican" about a friend of your Aunt T's. I wondered if she and others in my family would ever learn, or if they would be just as callous and distasteful when you were around. I wonder if they've given serious thought, or any thought at all to the fact that you may very well be Latin, or African, or Asian and that comments like that are simply not acceptable.

I wonder if they will welcome and love you as much as Marley, their white other grandchild/niece/cousin or if they will keep you at at distance because you're different. I hope beyond all hope if I'm not afforded the blessing of giving birth to you myself, that when I go to Africa, or Vietnam, or Honduras or where ever it is I bring you home from that they will look at you and see what I see. My beautiful blessed child, love of my life, miracle of all miracles.

I heard a song on the radio the other day about a dad who danced with his daughter on different momentous occasions in her life. It says "I danced with Cinderella, while she was here in my arms". It made me think of my sister and how much of a daddy's girl she was, and still is. It made me sad, because I never had that kind of relationship with my dad, or my father. Then I cried because I realized that if I adopt you as a single mother, you might never have that either.

I wondered if I'd be enough. I wondered if I should just give up the idea of being a mom, if it was fair to bring you into a home without a dad. Then I thought about you, without any parent at all and I knew that I could and would love you enough for 2 parents, enough for 3 or 4 even.

I thought about how much this mother's day is going to hurt without you. I long for you more with every day. I so thought you'd be in my life by now.. years ago in fact. I try so hard to hang on to the belief that God knows what He's doing, and that everything happens in it's proper time. So until then my blessed miracle, I will strive with everything in my being to hold on to hope and faith and belief that when it's time we will be together.

Until then...